i wont be anyones excuse to cry...
so...this is so wierd....im sitting in kerrys room on her computer..and i dont really know what to feel...im excited..sad..hapy...depressed..everything..all at the same time...its wierd to think that this year...which seemed to have gone by so quickly..yet seemed to last a life time...is over now...no more eating half a pizza with kerry at three in the morning after a party...no more seeing jamals smiling face everywhere i go...no more walking up to stuart...no more squeals from nancy carol...no more outrageous stories from katie..no more making ali uncomfortable...no more waiting until three in the morning to write a paper due at nine...no more doing laundry at four in the morning...no more walking in to find molly sleeping...no more of life as i have known it for the past year...
gosh..its so wierd...i need to go pack..but everytime i go into my room..i sit at my desk and stare into space..recollecting on the past year...its just odd thinking how i was so eager to go home and see all of my friends..and now..i dont want to leave...not that i dont want to see my friends back home..but this..is a new chapter..and i dont want it to end quite yet..i just feel theres so much more that i want/need to do/get done...it doesnt feel like the end..like when you watch a movie...you can tell when the ending is coming up..and aside from the fact that we had finals...there is no hint to this closure...at least going to college...i knew it was time to leave home..to start this new stage..but this time..things have been unfulfilled...or so i feel...its just like...there is no where to call home...i go home..but its not home anymore..i dont really live there anymore...i cant call school home...because each year ill be somewhere new..with new people..everythings just so temporary...i will not live in one place longer than nine months until ive graduated..in which i am out on my own..which is scary..not that ill be independent..but that ill wake up one day and my life will have passed me by...
and..as wierd as this sounds...going back home..its harder for me to say goodbye to my friends here than it was at home..saying goodbye to my friends at home..to go off to college..its just like..not that i dont not like my friends at home..but just..like..i know everything about them..and i know who they are..and they are very important to me..dont get me wrong..but theres just so many interesting people out there..and i just want to get to know them all...like i really want to get to know the people ive met here a lot more...i dont know..im just so perplexed right now...
things change too...like im not the same person i was when i began school...and im talking to a friend right now..and shes so excited to go home..and im not..not that i dont want to see anyone..again..its just...im content where i am right now..i dont know....things like this are not fun to experience over and over..and i will experience that for the next four years...actually..three years...leaving school...leaving home..repeatedly...theres no place to call home..theres always somewhere you have to live..and put your stuff...and return to...but theres not one place that i can call "home" and know thats where i totally completely one hundred percent belong...