A Link To The Past: The Ultimate Guide to Women, Dating, and Love
When people speak of the greatest gaming franchises ever made, the conversation is guaranteed to turn toward The Legend of Zelda and that usually happens sooner instead of later. And why shouldn't it? The Zelda franchise is nothing short of spectacular, each individual game being an epic in its own right. But when gamers are asked to pick which Zelda game is their favorite, A Link To The Past almost always wins out. The SNES classic is a flawless classic, a game so spectacular that only one game from the 16-bit era comes close to rivaling its sheer awesomeness: Final Fantasy VI. What most people don't realize is A Link To The Past isn't JUST a video game; it's also one of the greatest dating guides ever written. Many of the lessons learned in the Super Nintendo masterpiece can also be applied externally and used to conquer women and win their unrequited love. The number of similarities between girls and A Link To The Past are so striking that they can't be mere coincidence... Shigeru Miyamoto intentionally embedded these lessons in his game. It is my belief that Miyamoto felt so guilty about creating a generation of antisocial video game nerds that he hid subliminal messages in Zelda to help his loyal fans score some pussy, thus ensuring the eventual creation of a new generation of antisocial game nerds, a generation who would be taught to treat his games with the same reverence that some people bestow upon the Bible. I have found fifteen important lessons within the game, lessons which every guy should commit to memory. So if you're looking to get yourself some quality cooch, I suggest you read on. Let's begin...
1. Any Girl Is Fair Game
There is an old saying that dictates that we can't choose who we fall in love with. Personally, I believe that to be the case and as such, I believe you should never settle for a consolation prize. You only live once, so go after the girl you want, even if she's not readily available. Just as Agahnim violates the sacred boundaries of the sanctuary to abduct Zelda, you must be equally ruthless in your quest for courtship. So just because a girl is "married" or "comatose" or "dating your best friend", that's no reason you shouldn't pursue her. You only live once, and nothing is as expensive as regret. Not even that bomb you need to blow open the pyramid in the Dark World.
2. Learn To Play An Instrument
This one is so obvious that it probably shouldn't even be on here. Girls love musicians, pure and simple. Hell, it doesn't even matter what instrument you play; the drum makes 'em cum, but even the clarinet gets 'em wet. The necessity of learning to play an instrument is further reinforced by The Legend of Zelda series, as virtually every Zelda game has included a musical device. In Link To The Past, that instrument is a flute so magical that it looks like a mistranslated ocarina. This magical flute allows Link to summon a magical duck to magically transport him around the Light World. That's a lot of fucking magic. However, it's still not as magical as getting a full body massage from a girl just because you can play a little bit of "6th Avenue Heartache" on the guitar.
3. Always Carry A Mirror
Above everything else, girls tend to be vain and superficial. The only thing that concerns them more than their own appearance is the appearance of potential courters. You could be the world's biggest asshole, but as long as you have frosted hair and a snazzy Abercrombie & Fitch shirt, there are hundreds of girls out there who put up with all sorts of douchebaggery from you, up to and including repeated infidelity. And so, to win a girl's heart, you will need to care as much about your appearance as she does. If even a single hair is out of place, it could jeopardize the entire mission. To be safe, always carry a mirror with you and always be sure to check it at least once every 15 minutes. This will let girls know that if they want a piece of your affection, they're going to have to compete against your ego to get it. Girls love that sort of challenge, it's like a special testosterone-free version of Sudoku. The mirror is equally important in Zelda. Not only does it let you to escape from the Dark World, it also allows you to get to areas of the Light World that were previously unreachable.
4. Seriously Ill Relatives: Bad For Them, Sweet For You
When a beloved relative falls ill, it's usually kinda sad. It's usually not THAT sad though, as it can be used to your advantage. Having a sick or critically injured relative makes you a sympathetic character and girls love that shit. "Your aunt's in the hospital? Omigod, that's soooo sad." And the worse off your relative is, the easier it will be to find comfort in the arms (or bed) of a compassionate female. Dying family members are a bonus in Zelda as well. When your fatass uncle is beaten within an inch of his life by the easiest fucking enemies in the game, he bestows both his sword and his quest upon you. It's kind of sad that Link's uncle is so goddam worthless, but it makes the game a lot more fun; if he could actually fight, the game would be comprised of 10+ hours of Link lying in bed.
5. Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart Now, Baby
Love is a tricky thing. Sometimes when you like a girl, she doesn't like you back... at least not right away. When that happens, you have two options. Option #1 is that you give up. And if you're a total pussy, the type who gives up easily and doesn't like a challenge, then take the first option. But if you're a real man, the type that doesn't think things through and bets his friends that he can transform a girl of their choosing into the next homecoming queen, then you'll want to hear the other option. Option #2 is that you win her over little by little. You must collect pieces of her heart, just as Link collects pieces of Heart to complete Heart Containers. Strangely enough, you collect both in the exact same ways: by winning annoying carnival games and probing hidden areas. The only difference is that a girl's heart has significantly more than four pieces.
6. The Occasional Expensive Purchase Goes A Long Way
If you're with a girl for a long enough period of time, she's going to expect you to buy her stuff. Sure, buying her dinner will work for awhile, but sooner or later awhile she's going to want something that she can show off to her friends. This usually becomes an issue when the girl realizes you've been together for almost a year. When this happens, you're gonna have to buy her some jewelry or something, and it's probably going to cost you like $150. If you're wondering why the hell any guy would actually do that, I'll let you in on a little secret: this is a quid pro quo situation. If you get your girl some stupid shiny necklace, you get a free pass in the bedroom that night. Hell, you could stick it in her ear if you wanted to. In Zelda too, expensive purchases are sometimes necessary. Particularly, you will probably want to buy Zora's Flippers. They may cost 500 Rupees, but they allow Link to swim as well as use the whirlpools of the Zora to warp around. Sadly, it doesn't stop Zoras from attacking you.
NOTE: Aural sex is not fun for either party and it can cause serious damage to ears and penises alike.
7. Befriending A Giant Faerie Is Usually A Good Idea
These days, homophobia is becoming less and less acceptable. It's still safe to hate on the gays in frat houses and whiskey bars, but an increasing number of people are disgusted by that sort of ignorance and intolerance and many of them are girls. So while it's still cool to tell your wingman that playing DDR will turn him queer, you should always be ready to prove that you don't hate polesmokers in case some super hot, super sensitive chick gets all up in your business about it. And what's the best way to show a girl you're not a homophobe? Easy: hang out with one guy who's gay. Like, really REALLY gay. If you're friends with a giant fairy, no girl can ever accuse you of being a hater. In fact, she'll probably be so impressed when she finds out you have a gay friend that she'll blow you right there. In Zelda, consorting with giant faeries is even more beneficial. Some of them will restore your health, some of them will upgrade your items, but the coolest faerie of all will give you the ability to carry more bombs and arrows. That's right, getting the ability to carry more bombs is better than getting head. You know why? Because if you're carrying enough bombs, you can pretty much get all the head you want anyway.
8. It's Better With The Lights On
Having sex is a lot like exploring a Hyrule dungeon, it's a hell of a lot better when you can see what you're doing. First off, it makes things easier to find your way to the correct passageways. Secondly, if you don't want to see what you're doing, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. RUN AWAY! So whether your light source runs on incandescents, fluroescents, or MP, turn it the fuck on before you do something you regret.
9. Size Matters
The world is filled with holes and these holes need to be filled; that's the good news. The bad news is that some holes are more demanding than others. Some holes will only open up for a large tool. Worse yet, these holes tend to be the most desirable as they lead to special treasures. So if you don't have a Big Key, prepare for a lot of disappointment in your life. Don't fret though... there are some holes that prefer smaller keys.
10. Dark Depths
To successfully complete A Link To The Past, you must explore every inch of Hyrule's dank dungeons. Alternatively, to have a successful relationship with a member of the fairer sex, you must be willing to explore every inch of her dank dungeon... if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? I bet you do.
(I was talking about the vagina.)
11. If You're Retarded, Get A Map
In this life, there are certain things that normal people have no problem accomplishing. These things generally tend to be pretty basic stuff, stuff like successfully navigating your way through the dungeons in A Link To The Past without looking at the map. The dungeons in Legend of Zelda games are rarely so complex that you should ever need a map to complete them and there are certainly none in the Super Nintendo masterpiece that require it. Simply put, if you use the map in A Link To The Past, you are lazy, stupid, or both. And if you have trouble working through 16-bit mazes, you probably don't have much luck finding your way around a vagina either. If you're so goddam pathetic that you can't find the clitoris, don't worry; there's a map for that too.
12. The Tip Should Shoot Stuff
Although Zelda appeals to gamers of both genders, it is primarily intended for men. If you examine the game mechanics, you can clearly see that Link was designed so that men could easily relate to him. Think about it. Like most men, Link's main concern is to brandish his Master Sword. Like most men, he'll stick it in just about anything. And like most men, Link knows that keeping his health up will enhance the performance of his Master Sword. When a man is in perfect health, he should be able to make stuff shoot out of his Master Sword without much effort. If he can't, something is seriously wrong. If you should ever find yourself in a position where your Master Sword won't shoot stuff when you want it to, do what Link does: consult a doctor. Or your spam folder. Or some weirdo in a robe.
13. Dense Foliage Can Conceal Useful Holes
In your travels through life and Zelda, you will sometimes encounter a bush where you wouldn't normally expect to find one. When this happens, your first instinct might be to ignore it, vomit, or run away; these are urges that you must learn to overcome. While such overgrowth is increasingly uncommon in today's society and considered to be shameful by the Japanese, it is still worth exploring. A bush can obscure the entrance to a secret cave that contains Rupees, faeries, or even a piece of Heart. Also, there could be a vagina under there.
14. Always Check For Crabs
Sometimes, you're exploring an interesting place and then something unexpected happens: you find crabs. In Zelda, crabs hide under rocks and bushes. When their cover is blown, they will give you free Rupees for no apparent reason. In the real world, crabs hide in pubic hair and dirty sheets, and they will make you itch way worse than you could ever fucking imagine. Remembering which crabs are good and which ones are bad can be pretty tricky, so here's a mnemonic device to help you remember:
Crabs under rocks, it's that cool Zelda game. Crabs on your cock, that's a real fucking shame.
That's easy enough, right? If push comes to shove and you can't remember the rhyme, don't panic. The truly important thing is that you check for crabs. When in doubt, always scream and run away; it's much better to accidentally miss out on a handful of Rupees than to accidentally end up with an itchy crotch.
15. Pearls Are A Man's Best Friend.
There's an ancient Chinese proverb that goes something like this: "First you give her pearls, then you give her the pearl necklace." OK, so that's not an ancient Chinese proverb; I probably heard it in a porno. But regardless of whether it was Confucius who said it or Peter North, it's still a valuable teaching. Now granted, there are plenty of chicks out there who will do whatever you want if you buy them a $30 dinner. But if you're looking for a guaranteed way to convince a girl to let you give her a fresh coat of white paint, pearls close the deal every damn time. Pearls are important in Zelda too, as the Moon Pearl will protect Link from the changing effects of the Golden Power. Now if only there was an item that would protect him from the Golden Shower.
Well, that's pretty much it. Guys, if you follow these simple guidelines, you are sure to find your luck with the opposite sex greatly increased. It's worked for Hal Sparks, it's worked for me, and it can work for you to. I'd like to leave you with one very important caveat: the similarities between A Link To The Past and women are not absolute. So remember, you can beat The Legend of Zelda, but you can't beat your girlfriend. Well, unless you met her on a fetish forum.