(no subject)
My eyes sting from crying. My head is pounding, and my heart aches harder than it ever has before. But I can't feel it. I can't feel anything right now, except for this sick numbness. I feel ill, but it feels good in a horrible sort of way. In a way that's not mine to feel good about.
I take what I said in my last post back. Don't bother calling. I made you a promise that I intended to keep, and I kept it as long as I could. I told you my phone would stay on as long as I still felt like I could make it. And that's exactly what I did. I guess I just thought I'd be able to make it a little longer. But in about two or three hours my sister managed to get the whole goddamn world to turn against me, and now I'm not much into the idea of being alive. My mind hurts. I feel dazed. I just want to disappear and I've never meant that more in my life. I'm sick of mom thinking I hate her. I don't. I never have. I hate my dad and I hate my sister, but I don't hate her. I really don't. I just wish she would believe me. I wish I could make someone understand. This isn't how I am, I swear. They think I'm a horrible person but they don't understand. They don't remember. If they remembered maybe they'd know that I'm not really this horrible. I'm trying to be better. I don't like being this way, but I don't know how to make it stop. You know what she said before she left? That she wasn't sure she should leave me alone... She doesn't want me to do anything to myself... If only she fucking knew how much I've already done. And not just physically. Emotionally, too. If she knew how much damage I've caused myself just by not being able to let go of anything. They don't see that though. They'll never know how long I've been trying to make myself better. To fix everything. They don't see that because all they can see is how terrible I am. And they don't understand why. They don't understand how I got to be so angry all the time, and they don't understand why I never smile. And they understand how come I cry so much. Or why I can never see the good in anything. Nobody understands it.
I just never thought I'd give up this easy. That's all.
I take what I said in my last post back. Don't bother calling. I made you a promise that I intended to keep, and I kept it as long as I could. I told you my phone would stay on as long as I still felt like I could make it. And that's exactly what I did. I guess I just thought I'd be able to make it a little longer. But in about two or three hours my sister managed to get the whole goddamn world to turn against me, and now I'm not much into the idea of being alive. My mind hurts. I feel dazed. I just want to disappear and I've never meant that more in my life. I'm sick of mom thinking I hate her. I don't. I never have. I hate my dad and I hate my sister, but I don't hate her. I really don't. I just wish she would believe me. I wish I could make someone understand. This isn't how I am, I swear. They think I'm a horrible person but they don't understand. They don't remember. If they remembered maybe they'd know that I'm not really this horrible. I'm trying to be better. I don't like being this way, but I don't know how to make it stop. You know what she said before she left? That she wasn't sure she should leave me alone... She doesn't want me to do anything to myself... If only she fucking knew how much I've already done. And not just physically. Emotionally, too. If she knew how much damage I've caused myself just by not being able to let go of anything. They don't see that though. They'll never know how long I've been trying to make myself better. To fix everything. They don't see that because all they can see is how terrible I am. And they don't understand why. They don't understand how I got to be so angry all the time, and they don't understand why I never smile. And they understand how come I cry so much. Or why I can never see the good in anything. Nobody understands it.
I just never thought I'd give up this easy. That's all.