God's an asshole
So, ages and ages ago, Kate and rhaella had a wicked awesome convo about the nature and relationship between Eru Ilúvatar, Manwë Súlimo, and Melkor the Morgoth. I know jackshit about this convo, on account of rhaella's Gaia journal now being set to private.Pity, pity. I CAN say, however, that at some point I followed the conversation to its logical conclusion, and from said conclusion arose the following "ficlets."
ERU: There was Eru, the One, who in Arda was called Ilúvatar, and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought; and they were with him before ought else was made.
AINUR: Hi!
ERU: Great. Now sing!
AINUR: *does so*
ERU: Kay. Manwë, you're leader.
OTHERS: But he's dumb!
MANWË: Duurrrr....
ERU: I know. Now get down there and govern that which you have created.
VALAR: *does so*
ERU-MELKOR: I am driving you from Middle-earth! Everyone in the bus!
ULMO: Can I take my car?
ERU-MELKOR: Sure.
NÁMO: Wait a sec. I don't remember anyone named Melkor taking part in the Music.
ERU-MELKOR: I was there. Yep. In the back... waaay in the back...
MANWË: Duurrrrr...
- And thus the Valar were driven from Middle-earth -
~*~
MAEDRON: Morgoth is far too evil. Brothers, I propose a great Union to oppose Him!
FINGON: A good idea.
GLORFIRITH: Can I come?
MABLUNG: Sure.
ORODRETH: Ungrateful granddaughters running away from my perfectly protected fortress.
CURUFIN: That you have no control over...
ORODRETH: Silence!
TURGON: I am here!
ELDAR: Yay.
GLORFINDEL: Hi I'm Glorfindel.
GLORFIRITH: Hi I'm Glorfirith!
GLORFINDEL: Nice to meet you.
GLORFIRITH: Same.
GLORFINDEL: . . .
GLORFINDEL: . . .
GLORFIRIRITH: Wanna have sex?
GLORFINDEL: In the middle of a battle?
GLORFIRITH: Don't see why not.
GLORFINDEL: Kay.
NIRNAETH: *wages whilst Glort and Glory run off to a conveniently nearby closet*
ERU-MORGOTH: Hey, hey guys! Hey guys, guess what!
MAEDRON: What, Morgoth?
ERU-MORGOTH: I'm laughing!
FINGON: ...your point?
ERU-MORGOTH: Well, you can't spell slaughter without laughter!
DRAGONS, BALROGS, ORKS, EASTERLINGS: *slaughters*
FINGON: *is slain*
NOLDOR: *is slain*
EDAIN: *is slain*
ERU-MORGOTH: MWEHEHEHEHEH!
ULMO: Hey, fellow Valar? Maybe we should do something about the slaughter.
MANWË: Father said not to.
NÁMO: ...everyone is dying.
MANWË: Father said not to.
VARDA: Honey, I'm beginning to have doubts that Father is as omnibenevolent as everyone supposes.
MANWË: Father said not to.
YAVANNA: Is anything we're saying getting through to this guy?
MANWË: Father said not to!
IRMO: Yo, Manwe, what's two plus two?
MANWË: Durrrrrr...
MAEDRON, TURGON: Oh carp run away!
MABLUNG: Eru help us!
ERU-MORGOTH: Heh...
ÑOLDOR: *hastefully rush past closet*
TURGON: *knocks frantically on the closet's two doors*
GLORFINDEL: Oh Eru, yes!
TURGON: Glorfindel, stop being a promiscuous little bastard and run away!
GLORFINDEL: Just a moment!
TURGON: We don't have all day...
GLORFIRITH: Oh, Glorfindel, I love you!
TURGON: Ugh...
GLORFIRITH and GLORFINDEL: Oh yes!
TURGON: Note to self - slice ears off upon returning home.
GLORFIRITH and GLORFINDEL: *emerge from closet half-naked*
TURGON: Can we go now?
GLORFINDEL: Can my wife come with?
GLORFIRITH: Wife?
GLORFINDEL: Well, we did do the dirty...
TURGON: For a week straight!
GLORFIRITH: Fine! But no kids. Ever.
GLORFINDEL: Fine with me. I hate the bastards.
TURGON: Dammit guys, we need to run away!
GLORFINDEL: Oh, right.
TURGON: ...and how do you expect to never have kids if you're constantly fucking?
GLORFIRITH: Meh, we'll worry about that later.
NOLDOR: *comes to Gondolin*
GONDOLOTHRIM: Ah. Now to enjoy our peaceful lives, ignoring everything that just happened.
GLORFIRITH: I can deal with this.
HUOR: Hey, dudes, I died getting you to Gondolin.
HÚRIN: And I doomed my cute adorable children to real fucked up lives getting you to Gondolin.
GONDOLOTHRIM: Meh, shut up, we're enjoying ourselves.
ERU-MORGOTH: Thousands of years have been building up to this moment; the year in which I destroy everything I created. I couldn't be more delighted!
SAURON: Father, you are so completely fucked up in the head.
ERU-MORGOTH: Hey, I made them, it's my right to destroy them. Call it adding something interesting to something that would otherwise be so completely dull.
SAURON: ...I am so glad I'm on your side.
~*~*~
CARCHAROTH: Raaaaar!
LÚTHIEN: O woe-begotten spirit, fall now into dark oblivion, and forget for a while the dreadful doom of life.
CARCHAROTH: I am felled!
LÚTHIEN: Let us go, my love!
BEREN: I wish I were useful.
LÚTHIEN: You are.
BEREN: I am?
LÚTHIEN: Yeah, you're great in bed. Why do you think I'm going through all this trouble?
BEREN: Uhhh... love?
LÚTHIEN HA!
ERU-MORGOTH: I see you!
LÚTHIEN: Yeah?
ERU-MORGOTH: Wow. You're beautiful. I think you'd be a suitable Arien-replacement.
LÚTHIEN: I am sure I would. But... before we do that... may I perform for you?
ERU-MORGOTH: Don't see how it could hurt...
LÚTHIEN: Kay. Beren, get over here, I need your help.
NARRATOR: And lo! on that day did Lúthien contrive a political skit regarding monarchies so amazing, that not even the words of Pengoloð, nor the hymns of Maglor could rival it. Know thee that through these long ages of Elves and Men, many a lore-master have attempted to transcribe that miracle that Lúthien contrived, yet none yet have succeeded.
LÚTHIEN: And that, as they say, is that.
ERU-MORGOTH: Oh. Oh, wow...
LÚTHIEN: Hmmm?
ERU-MORGOTH: Lúthien, you've convinced me to completely rethink my opinions of monarchies! Not many can do that. Wow...
LÚTHIEN: I am honored, my liege.
ERU-MORGOTH: As you should be.
LÚTHIEN: Why thank you, my liege.
ERU-MORGOTH: You know what? Here. Takes this silmaril. You've deserved it.
LÚTHIEN: A most blessed gift, my liege!
BEREN: The script says my knife is supposed to break and graze your cheek... as well as a lot more that seems to have not happened.
ERU-MORGOTH: Why go through all the trouble?
LÚTHIEN: You have a better plan, my liege?
ERU-MORGOTH: But of course.
LÚTHIEN: You are without peer, my liege!
ERU-MORGOTH: *grabs knife and tears a huge chunk of his cheek apart*
BEREN: I am so fucking lost.
LUTHIEN: If you don't mind, my liege, we absolutely must be going.
ERU-MORGOTH: The pain is unbearable, but I grant you leave, fair one!
LUTHIEN: Farewell, mi'lord!
BEREN: What just happened?
LÚTHIEN: Flattery will get you anywhere. Ah, the exit. Let us go, Beren.
BEREN: ...yeah.
CARCHAROTH: I don't like being felled!
BEREN: AAAAIIEEEEE!
CARCHAROTH: *mauls Beren*
BEREN: *is mauled*
LÚTHIEN: Well, fuck. And things were going so well...
ERU: There was Eru, the One, who in Arda was called Ilúvatar, and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought; and they were with him before ought else was made.
AINUR: Hi!
ERU: Great. Now sing!
AINUR: *does so*
ERU: Kay. Manwë, you're leader.
OTHERS: But he's dumb!
MANWË: Duurrrr....
ERU: I know. Now get down there and govern that which you have created.
VALAR: *does so*
ERU-MELKOR: I am driving you from Middle-earth! Everyone in the bus!
ULMO: Can I take my car?
ERU-MELKOR: Sure.
NÁMO: Wait a sec. I don't remember anyone named Melkor taking part in the Music.
ERU-MELKOR: I was there. Yep. In the back... waaay in the back...
MANWË: Duurrrrr...
- And thus the Valar were driven from Middle-earth -
~*~
MAEDRON: Morgoth is far too evil. Brothers, I propose a great Union to oppose Him!
FINGON: A good idea.
GLORFIRITH: Can I come?
MABLUNG: Sure.
ORODRETH: Ungrateful granddaughters running away from my perfectly protected fortress.
CURUFIN: That you have no control over...
ORODRETH: Silence!
TURGON: I am here!
ELDAR: Yay.
GLORFINDEL: Hi I'm Glorfindel.
GLORFIRITH: Hi I'm Glorfirith!
GLORFINDEL: Nice to meet you.
GLORFIRITH: Same.
GLORFINDEL: . . .
GLORFINDEL: . . .
GLORFIRIRITH: Wanna have sex?
GLORFINDEL: In the middle of a battle?
GLORFIRITH: Don't see why not.
GLORFINDEL: Kay.
NIRNAETH: *wages whilst Glort and Glory run off to a conveniently nearby closet*
ERU-MORGOTH: Hey, hey guys! Hey guys, guess what!
MAEDRON: What, Morgoth?
ERU-MORGOTH: I'm laughing!
FINGON: ...your point?
ERU-MORGOTH: Well, you can't spell slaughter without laughter!
DRAGONS, BALROGS, ORKS, EASTERLINGS: *slaughters*
FINGON: *is slain*
NOLDOR: *is slain*
EDAIN: *is slain*
ERU-MORGOTH: MWEHEHEHEHEH!
ULMO: Hey, fellow Valar? Maybe we should do something about the slaughter.
MANWË: Father said not to.
NÁMO: ...everyone is dying.
MANWË: Father said not to.
VARDA: Honey, I'm beginning to have doubts that Father is as omnibenevolent as everyone supposes.
MANWË: Father said not to.
YAVANNA: Is anything we're saying getting through to this guy?
MANWË: Father said not to!
IRMO: Yo, Manwe, what's two plus two?
MANWË: Durrrrrr...
MAEDRON, TURGON: Oh carp run away!
MABLUNG: Eru help us!
ERU-MORGOTH: Heh...
ÑOLDOR: *hastefully rush past closet*
TURGON: *knocks frantically on the closet's two doors*
GLORFINDEL: Oh Eru, yes!
TURGON: Glorfindel, stop being a promiscuous little bastard and run away!
GLORFINDEL: Just a moment!
TURGON: We don't have all day...
GLORFIRITH: Oh, Glorfindel, I love you!
TURGON: Ugh...
GLORFIRITH and GLORFINDEL: Oh yes!
TURGON: Note to self - slice ears off upon returning home.
GLORFIRITH and GLORFINDEL: *emerge from closet half-naked*
TURGON: Can we go now?
GLORFINDEL: Can my wife come with?
GLORFIRITH: Wife?
GLORFINDEL: Well, we did do the dirty...
TURGON: For a week straight!
GLORFIRITH: Fine! But no kids. Ever.
GLORFINDEL: Fine with me. I hate the bastards.
TURGON: Dammit guys, we need to run away!
GLORFINDEL: Oh, right.
TURGON: ...and how do you expect to never have kids if you're constantly fucking?
GLORFIRITH: Meh, we'll worry about that later.
NOLDOR: *comes to Gondolin*
GONDOLOTHRIM: Ah. Now to enjoy our peaceful lives, ignoring everything that just happened.
GLORFIRITH: I can deal with this.
HUOR: Hey, dudes, I died getting you to Gondolin.
HÚRIN: And I doomed my cute adorable children to real fucked up lives getting you to Gondolin.
GONDOLOTHRIM: Meh, shut up, we're enjoying ourselves.
ERU-MORGOTH: Thousands of years have been building up to this moment; the year in which I destroy everything I created. I couldn't be more delighted!
SAURON: Father, you are so completely fucked up in the head.
ERU-MORGOTH: Hey, I made them, it's my right to destroy them. Call it adding something interesting to something that would otherwise be so completely dull.
SAURON: ...I am so glad I'm on your side.
~*~*~
CARCHAROTH: Raaaaar!
LÚTHIEN: O woe-begotten spirit, fall now into dark oblivion, and forget for a while the dreadful doom of life.
CARCHAROTH: I am felled!
LÚTHIEN: Let us go, my love!
BEREN: I wish I were useful.
LÚTHIEN: You are.
BEREN: I am?
LÚTHIEN: Yeah, you're great in bed. Why do you think I'm going through all this trouble?
BEREN: Uhhh... love?
LÚTHIEN HA!
ERU-MORGOTH: I see you!
LÚTHIEN: Yeah?
ERU-MORGOTH: Wow. You're beautiful. I think you'd be a suitable Arien-replacement.
LÚTHIEN: I am sure I would. But... before we do that... may I perform for you?
ERU-MORGOTH: Don't see how it could hurt...
LÚTHIEN: Kay. Beren, get over here, I need your help.
NARRATOR: And lo! on that day did Lúthien contrive a political skit regarding monarchies so amazing, that not even the words of Pengoloð, nor the hymns of Maglor could rival it. Know thee that through these long ages of Elves and Men, many a lore-master have attempted to transcribe that miracle that Lúthien contrived, yet none yet have succeeded.
LÚTHIEN: And that, as they say, is that.
ERU-MORGOTH: Oh. Oh, wow...
LÚTHIEN: Hmmm?
ERU-MORGOTH: Lúthien, you've convinced me to completely rethink my opinions of monarchies! Not many can do that. Wow...
LÚTHIEN: I am honored, my liege.
ERU-MORGOTH: As you should be.
LÚTHIEN: Why thank you, my liege.
ERU-MORGOTH: You know what? Here. Takes this silmaril. You've deserved it.
LÚTHIEN: A most blessed gift, my liege!
BEREN: The script says my knife is supposed to break and graze your cheek... as well as a lot more that seems to have not happened.
ERU-MORGOTH: Why go through all the trouble?
LÚTHIEN: You have a better plan, my liege?
ERU-MORGOTH: But of course.
LÚTHIEN: You are without peer, my liege!
ERU-MORGOTH: *grabs knife and tears a huge chunk of his cheek apart*
BEREN: I am so fucking lost.
LUTHIEN: If you don't mind, my liege, we absolutely must be going.
ERU-MORGOTH: The pain is unbearable, but I grant you leave, fair one!
LUTHIEN: Farewell, mi'lord!
BEREN: What just happened?
LÚTHIEN: Flattery will get you anywhere. Ah, the exit. Let us go, Beren.
BEREN: ...yeah.
CARCHAROTH: I don't like being felled!
BEREN: AAAAIIEEEEE!
CARCHAROTH: *mauls Beren*
BEREN: *is mauled*
LÚTHIEN: Well, fuck. And things were going so well...