Tolkien never really wrote the Tale of Eärendil, so I did it for him
VOYAGE OF EÄRENDIL in a nutshell.
*the Exiles of Gondolin and Doriath come to the Havens*
EÄRENDIL: You're cute.
ELWING: So are you. Even if we're both still kids and shouldn't be starting romances yet.
EÄRENDIL: This is a nutshell. Michael is condensing things.
ELWING: Ah, I see.
*Eärendil and Elwing are wed*
TUOR AND IDRIL: We are so ditching you two.
EÄRENDIL: I miss my daddy.
ELWING: Boo hoo.
EÄRENDIL: I'm going to ditch you and our kids now, because I wanna find my daddy.
ELROND AND ELROS: Wait, grandpa ditches you, and so you in return ditch us? Unfair.
ELWING: At least I have my shiny.
*Maedron and Maglor and Amros kill things*
ELROND AND ELROS: We were so kidnapped.
MAGLOR: Yeah, well at least my people didn't ditch you like Maedron's people ditched those other twins.
ELROND AND ELROS: True.
MAGLOR: Wait a sec, aren't you like ten years old? You shouldn't be so smart sounding.
ELROND AND ELROS: Nutshell!
MAGLOR: Ah, right.
*Elwing has jumped into the Sea*
ULMO: Sweet merciful Eru you are a dumbass. The Shiny is needed!
ELWING: It is? Opps. My bad.
ULMO: No shit.
*Ulmo turns Elwing into a seagull*
EÄRENDIL: Hi Elwing! How are the kids doing?
ELWING: Kidnapped.
EÄRENDIL: Well, damn. Wanna give up on them and go to Aman?
ELWING: Sure, don't see why not.
*Eärendil and Elwing and those other three people sail to Aman*
GIL-GALAD: I am here to save the day!
FEW LONE SURVIVORS: Too late, dumbass.
GIL-GALAD: Oh...
FEW LONE SURVIVORS: This place sucks. Take us with you.
GIL-GALAD: You mean I get to lord over you? This is the happiest day of my life!
*Manwë looks at the Sea*
MANWË: Ooh... Shiny...
VARDA: Indeed.
MANWË: Shut up, bitch.
VARDA: On one hand, that was mean. On the other hand, it was true.
MANWE: Let Eärendil into Aman!
*Eärendil cries because everything is empty*
EONWË: Behold Eärendil, brightest of stars!
EÄRENDIL: OMG YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME!
EONWË: I laugh.
*Eärendil is guided to the Circle of Doom*
EÄRENDIL: *says stuff in Quenya*
EÄRENDIL: *says stuff in Sindarin*
EÄRENDIL: *says stuff in Hadorian*
EÄRENDIL: *says stuff in Bëorian*
MANWË: Wow. You are one hell of a linguist.
ULMO: It is Fate that brought him here.
MANWË: No, it was the Shiny. I accept your bribe. Muster the Host of the Valar! And in Host of the Valar, I mean Host of the Everyone of Aman but the Valar!
ULMO: Ugh...
NÁMO: You realize that, because he is part Ñoldorin, I need to kill him?
EÄRENDIL: Ass.
*Elwing decides she wants the life of the Eldar*
EÄRENDIL: Damn.
*The Host of the Everyone of Aman but the Valar march to war*
EÄRENDIL AND/OR TÚRIN: *slays Ancalagon*
MANWË: YAY! We win! And in we, I mean they, but I'm gonna take all the credit!
ULMO: For the love of...
NÁMO: *executes Morgoth*
MANWË: Eärendil, as reward for your services, I give you this reward!
EÄRENDIL: OMG I love rewards!
MANWË: You get to sail around in the Void, making sure Melkor doesn't return to Aman! Isn't that amazing!
EÄRENDIL: . . .
MANWË: ???
EÄRENDIL: ...so, I get to sail around in nothing, all alone, guarding the Black Foe of the World?
MANWË: Yep.
EÄRENDIL: God I hate you.
ELWING: ...and I get to stay here. Dammit, Manwë, we chose to both be Elves so we could be together.
MANWË: Well, he's allowed to return to you sometimes...
ELWING: Ass.
*Eärendil guides the Edain to Númenórë, then leaves the world*
EÄRENDIL: So dark out here...
EÄRENDIL: This story sucks.
EÄRENDIL: I hate nutshells.
*the Exiles of Gondolin and Doriath come to the Havens*
EÄRENDIL: You're cute.
ELWING: So are you. Even if we're both still kids and shouldn't be starting romances yet.
EÄRENDIL: This is a nutshell. Michael is condensing things.
ELWING: Ah, I see.
*Eärendil and Elwing are wed*
TUOR AND IDRIL: We are so ditching you two.
EÄRENDIL: I miss my daddy.
ELWING: Boo hoo.
EÄRENDIL: I'm going to ditch you and our kids now, because I wanna find my daddy.
ELROND AND ELROS: Wait, grandpa ditches you, and so you in return ditch us? Unfair.
ELWING: At least I have my shiny.
*Maedron and Maglor and Amros kill things*
ELROND AND ELROS: We were so kidnapped.
MAGLOR: Yeah, well at least my people didn't ditch you like Maedron's people ditched those other twins.
ELROND AND ELROS: True.
MAGLOR: Wait a sec, aren't you like ten years old? You shouldn't be so smart sounding.
ELROND AND ELROS: Nutshell!
MAGLOR: Ah, right.
*Elwing has jumped into the Sea*
ULMO: Sweet merciful Eru you are a dumbass. The Shiny is needed!
ELWING: It is? Opps. My bad.
ULMO: No shit.
*Ulmo turns Elwing into a seagull*
EÄRENDIL: Hi Elwing! How are the kids doing?
ELWING: Kidnapped.
EÄRENDIL: Well, damn. Wanna give up on them and go to Aman?
ELWING: Sure, don't see why not.
*Eärendil and Elwing and those other three people sail to Aman*
GIL-GALAD: I am here to save the day!
FEW LONE SURVIVORS: Too late, dumbass.
GIL-GALAD: Oh...
FEW LONE SURVIVORS: This place sucks. Take us with you.
GIL-GALAD: You mean I get to lord over you? This is the happiest day of my life!
*Manwë looks at the Sea*
MANWË: Ooh... Shiny...
VARDA: Indeed.
MANWË: Shut up, bitch.
VARDA: On one hand, that was mean. On the other hand, it was true.
MANWE: Let Eärendil into Aman!
*Eärendil cries because everything is empty*
EONWË: Behold Eärendil, brightest of stars!
EÄRENDIL: OMG YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME!
EONWË: I laugh.
*Eärendil is guided to the Circle of Doom*
EÄRENDIL: *says stuff in Quenya*
EÄRENDIL: *says stuff in Sindarin*
EÄRENDIL: *says stuff in Hadorian*
EÄRENDIL: *says stuff in Bëorian*
MANWË: Wow. You are one hell of a linguist.
ULMO: It is Fate that brought him here.
MANWË: No, it was the Shiny. I accept your bribe. Muster the Host of the Valar! And in Host of the Valar, I mean Host of the Everyone of Aman but the Valar!
ULMO: Ugh...
NÁMO: You realize that, because he is part Ñoldorin, I need to kill him?
EÄRENDIL: Ass.
*Elwing decides she wants the life of the Eldar*
EÄRENDIL: Damn.
*The Host of the Everyone of Aman but the Valar march to war*
EÄRENDIL AND/OR TÚRIN: *slays Ancalagon*
MANWË: YAY! We win! And in we, I mean they, but I'm gonna take all the credit!
ULMO: For the love of...
NÁMO: *executes Morgoth*
MANWË: Eärendil, as reward for your services, I give you this reward!
EÄRENDIL: OMG I love rewards!
MANWË: You get to sail around in the Void, making sure Melkor doesn't return to Aman! Isn't that amazing!
EÄRENDIL: . . .
MANWË: ???
EÄRENDIL: ...so, I get to sail around in nothing, all alone, guarding the Black Foe of the World?
MANWË: Yep.
EÄRENDIL: God I hate you.
ELWING: ...and I get to stay here. Dammit, Manwë, we chose to both be Elves so we could be together.
MANWË: Well, he's allowed to return to you sometimes...
ELWING: Ass.
*Eärendil guides the Edain to Númenórë, then leaves the world*
EÄRENDIL: So dark out here...
EÄRENDIL: This story sucks.
EÄRENDIL: I hate nutshells.