(no subject)
Well, technically it's Sunday but it still feels like Saturdy night. It's been a somewhat long day. Long week would be more like it... I'm pretty tired right now and I feel like I have a lot to talk about but noooo idea as far as where to begin really. I'll never be able to touch up on everything so I guess I'll just type until I don't feel like typing anymore.
Last night was the first time I cried in a long time. I got home from work somewhat late.. tried to fix my computer that crashed on me and lost all of my programs.. got in bed and pretty much broke down right there. I've been keeping a lot inside these last few months and I'll tell you right now it aint good for ya. I never met Nikki's grandmother before but she recently passed away and I kinda felt bad that I couldn't be as sympathetic as I could have been had I known her, all it made me do was remember losing my mom even more. And that's what really put me on a spiral towards me caving in the other night. Yeah, guys pretend to be tough and all but shoot, we're just as soft as the next person. I really wish I could talk to my mom right now. There's so much I'd like to get her input on. I feel kinda lost without her especially right now. And I don't really want to get into all the crappy stuff right now.
Speaking of having someont to talk to. I's been thinkin' about relationships a little bit more lately too. Bah, I always get really shitty ones it totally sucks. Makes me wonder if somethings wrong with me but no, everyone will tell you that it's something wrong with the other person. Right. Whatever. I miss having someone I could personally confide things in and have it y'know be like a mutual back and forth kinda thing. It's hard to explain! I mean, I been talking to people and stuff and even going out places a few times but it aint the same. I hate to say it cause it sounds greedy but I want more. I want what I think I deserve. ...What I know I deserve. Why dun it ever happen? You girls are stupid lol (the non-taken ones haha). Always wantin' a nice guy, someone who's different but for some reason poor lil Cisco gets over looked or even worse, taken for granted and passed up.
It must be cause I come off as a crazy guy. lol geez. Every single time I plan to shoot a new goofy video for someone to watch or come up with an idea I know that I've got to be lowering myself in all the women's eyes that I know. I become someone to laugh at rather than relate to. It's kinda a double-edged sword - my hobby - I have a blast doing it and would never give it up for the WORLD, but at the same token (lol nikki) it makes me look immature, childish, silly and soooo non-datable. Damn it! Take the video blog I did Sept 1st for example. That wasn't me!!!! Well, technically it was me, but I was sooooo out of character and immitating another famous video blogger. I was "acting." Horribly. Excruciatingly horribly.
I used to think girls liked guys who had goals and dreams. Knew what they were doing with their lives. Wassup with that?
I think it's funny how all the other little things that are bothering me all cumulates into me complaining about the ladies. That's funny lol.
Last night was the first time I cried in a long time. I got home from work somewhat late.. tried to fix my computer that crashed on me and lost all of my programs.. got in bed and pretty much broke down right there. I've been keeping a lot inside these last few months and I'll tell you right now it aint good for ya. I never met Nikki's grandmother before but she recently passed away and I kinda felt bad that I couldn't be as sympathetic as I could have been had I known her, all it made me do was remember losing my mom even more. And that's what really put me on a spiral towards me caving in the other night. Yeah, guys pretend to be tough and all but shoot, we're just as soft as the next person. I really wish I could talk to my mom right now. There's so much I'd like to get her input on. I feel kinda lost without her especially right now. And I don't really want to get into all the crappy stuff right now.
Speaking of having someont to talk to. I's been thinkin' about relationships a little bit more lately too. Bah, I always get really shitty ones it totally sucks. Makes me wonder if somethings wrong with me but no, everyone will tell you that it's something wrong with the other person. Right. Whatever. I miss having someone I could personally confide things in and have it y'know be like a mutual back and forth kinda thing. It's hard to explain! I mean, I been talking to people and stuff and even going out places a few times but it aint the same. I hate to say it cause it sounds greedy but I want more. I want what I think I deserve. ...What I know I deserve. Why dun it ever happen? You girls are stupid lol (the non-taken ones haha). Always wantin' a nice guy, someone who's different but for some reason poor lil Cisco gets over looked or even worse, taken for granted and passed up.
It must be cause I come off as a crazy guy. lol geez. Every single time I plan to shoot a new goofy video for someone to watch or come up with an idea I know that I've got to be lowering myself in all the women's eyes that I know. I become someone to laugh at rather than relate to. It's kinda a double-edged sword - my hobby - I have a blast doing it and would never give it up for the WORLD, but at the same token (lol nikki) it makes me look immature, childish, silly and soooo non-datable. Damn it! Take the video blog I did Sept 1st for example. That wasn't me!!!! Well, technically it was me, but I was sooooo out of character and immitating another famous video blogger. I was "acting." Horribly. Excruciatingly horribly.
I used to think girls liked guys who had goals and dreams. Knew what they were doing with their lives. Wassup with that?
I think it's funny how all the other little things that are bothering me all cumulates into me complaining about the ladies. That's funny lol.