When I'm at war with myself I ride
Airing out dirty laundry makes it stink less right?
So I think it's appropriate that I'm writing this entry from the subway because this seems like the only place I've really wrestled with my feelings about how I ended my engagement to Jamison before I left Las Vegas.
It had been 4 years, which is pretty substantial in a young gay relationship. And in the beginning we certainly grew together as a couple by leaps and bounds. We taught each other valuable lessons based on our personal past experiences and I think we both tried to better ourselves (looking back, maybe he tried a little harder). But we came to a very even plateau that lasted for probably the second half of our relationship. Pretty much from our engagement on.
I was complacent and very comfortable. I deluded myself to think that this stability and predictability was enough to make me happy. We would drink, gamble, get stoned, party, our sex life was decent but not great, we travelled a little, we had an amazing apartment. Sometimes it felt like we had what everyone wanted.
But I realized that I was bored, and that we were never getting married. It just wasn't a priority. So I asked Chelsey if I broke it off could I stay with her for a little while. She was more than happy to oblige, but with restrictions. Only 4 weeks, since we also worked in a small studio together. And no boys over, which she said was for my own good because I needed to focus on myself, and I appreciated that.
So I did it. After he moved out for a few days to give us some space to think he came home and I asked if he was happy. His answer was pretty much what I expected.
"No but I think we can be again."
I didn't agree. But I didn't claim my moving out would be permanent. It was my turn to think and decide for myself. But I knew in the back of my head I was done and ready for a new adventure.
In a week or so I broke the official news to him and he was devastated. What still haunts me is that I hate the memories of how hurt he was. Though I've come to find out some scandalous information about his actions while we were very much together that makes me feel better about it.
Slowly we separated our lives, but shared Gavin (worst decision ever). I got my own apartment and, for the first time in my life, felt truly grown up and so proud of myself for being so responsible.
Of course he continued to bother me and be incredibly awkward when we would see each other out. However, the most vindicating moment in all of this was when I ran into one of his coworkers boyfriends downtown at Commonwealth one night and asked how Jamison was doing, to which he replied:
"Well, everytime I see him he's wasted. So basically you win."
Love you til then,
+Hayden