Jul 06, 2007 00:32
Yesterday I was a bit stupid, whilst taking my medication, I put it in a small glass, accidently filled it up with warm water and it dissolved in front of my eyes. It's the first time I've come into contact with the powdery substance, and the strange thing is, this is my forth month on medication. So I've pretty much now spent the majority of this year on meds. I didn't drink what I had poured, chucked it away and did it properly.
I was thinking how in all this time now, it's strange to compare it with before, I rarely drink alcohol anymore which helps, I remain more calm and my thoughts are not as rushed. The last time I was at uni, drunk, I was fixated by an idea for 15 minutes, thinking it over and over again. So like I finding like drinking alcohol only occasionally allows me to go out and have better times. It's strange because a year ago, I first started fighting it with going to therapy, but it would seem that sort of caused more problems than solved. I guess I could be grateful and say it did a few things, but like obviously over the past year, my anxiety and depression has never been at such a high and consistant level. To be having panic attacks for 2 and half years and for them to suddenly stop is a bit strange, and it's also strange to lose the voice of self loathing - not strange, just nice.
I find it annoying how a lot of things that made me anxious for a long time, have semi been resolved. I guess having never had my heart or head in the right place, I was always going to mess things up in the love department lol. Turns out the girl I kissed goodbye, who I thought I'd never see again, is coming back. Ha. She's in a relationship which is ok because to be honest, I wasn't really in the right place back then, and I'd rather just be good friends. So it's slightly annoying that I felt like shit for ages after that but time does move on, and it heals, which is nice. Also I managed to get something out of Louise which I had sort of suspected; she has had anxiety issues, and she had trouble with her housemates and fell out with them, had to move, close to exams and stuff and it made her pretty ill. I could sort of tell, well her facebook statuses were pretty suggestable - what did her boyfriend do? probably nothing. I've always known he's a complete plank. But yeah, as I told her about my problems, I thought it would be the nice thing to do and talk to her on msn a bit, seemingly she's fallen out with her boyfriend, and I said I'm sure it would be ok. I'm just to nice sometimes - lol, it will be the end of me. It's hard to ignore, she avoided me a lot or didn't really acknowledge my existance for along time - which hurt, because I had done nothing wrong, I'd never said anything to upset her ever. Yet I guess I did respond in a childish way at first, I was jealous, but then it was like I was so wound up with these problems it made things 10x worse, it was a serious "Ohhhh Shit!" moment. I'd like to think I've learnt from the experience though; if you like someone, tell them.
Other than that, been plonking around on keyboards and strumming guitar, should have stuff done by the end of the month. Going into Oxfam later to offer my services.