(no subject)
As you might well know for the past few months I've sort of been trying to figure out what has been going on with me generally. Something has sort of changed my opinion about things recently. I've basically decided it time to find out and I'm going to go to the Doctor again and say that, I can't really try and get through something when I don't even know what it is. It is ridiculous and I have realised recently that those sessions with a therapist didn't really scratch the surface, that's what you get for free services from the NHS! I know it's rather stupid to make your own assumptions about like, putting things together, and diagnosing yourself but it is like, I will go through periods where I think that nothing is wrong, yet other times when clearly something is. I think basically it is impossible for a person to do with out expert advice and I guess one of the positives I've been trying to draw out of how much time it is taking, is that maybe it just takes time to actually figure it out. I think I'm just happy that I've done a lot of it on my own so nothing will particularly suprise me.
I think in a sense I became so tied up with anxiety I started to ingore the sides of depression. The fact is I'm not often depressed but sometimes I am. I watched 'A Secret Life of a Manic Depressive' and Stephen Fry basically talked about his bi-polar disorder and unfortunately everything he said I related to. I have thought about it in the past, and it would make a lot of sense. I mean to be entirely honest I haven't felt suicidal for almost 2 years now, but I did self harm myself 2 or 3 weeks ago (forced a nose bleed - I was drunk) but that situation has only occured once in the past anyway. I don't know recently I've sort of like been stressed out with uni work and I haven't particularly wanted to be around friends, but unfortunately all I do is write on my laptop and I know it's like, what I'm writing is stuff like this, I don't know something happened earlier in the week with Louise that has put fuel back in the fire again. I've always been particularly observant aswell and that's another thing, for some reason I started writing about Arcade Fire's new album and how important it is, it is sort of like, during summer aswell I just became obsessed with creating music and spent a lot of time recording random sounds.
I went to jack's seminar because I didn't want to get up for my 10 am one, fully aware that Louise was going to be there and I was anxious about this because I basically told her in January that I have feelings for her. The way I went about that, sort of just tells me that I was sort of in a state I don't think I've been before, it was like I thought I was being rational but perhaps what I actually said was irrational. I just worry about these things a lot. I think to a certain extent she understood ok, she said she understood my feelings and that it didn't have to be a problem. However on Tuesday she did smile at me and I smiled back, but then she kept looking at me and I noticed out of the corner of my eye, it was like during the group discussion, as always a lot of funny comments were made and it was like she was laughing and looking at me and I got pretty confused, she was going out of her way to get my attention and I was unsure whether I should take the risk to like show I really like her.
Again I might be jumping the gun but sometimes, I don't think necessarily with situations, but trying to understand emotions sort of bugs me. Especially over technology it is quite a problem sort of, well not all the time, but it is like, when I wanted to talk to Louise I actually wanted to be vocal about it because it generally benefits things for me, I mean I still don't really have a doubt in my mind that there is something going on between us that doesn't make much sense.
It's pretty difficult because I feel quite comfortable & excited when I talk to her, it's a totally polar opposite feeling to like anything else I've ever experienced, and I think in the past my anxieties got in the way, and it is like, there have only been periods where I seriously blamed myself for it, whereas other times I felt 'well that's life'. Yet as a friend thing it is just difficult to like establish whether she wants to be friends or not, and I know it has been 6 months but I think it is more of a case that I will have to tell her about this one day, obviously as a friend thing.
Actually, there was a period during last year, towards the end, when I was working through self help and starting to realise that maybe there was a certain instablity about my moods, rather than actually working myself into a happy mood, it seemed to have a path of it's own.
Well that was great - someone from my course just came up and said hello and probably just saw what I was writing. Yipes. Hmm. Doesn't matter. I don't know but I guess a lot of my attention is to telling my friends about a few things, but only when I know, I think I'm that adamant that something is there that - well like whatever. Need to know! If I haven't been to the Doctors by the next time I update please slap me in the face.
I think in a sense I became so tied up with anxiety I started to ingore the sides of depression. The fact is I'm not often depressed but sometimes I am. I watched 'A Secret Life of a Manic Depressive' and Stephen Fry basically talked about his bi-polar disorder and unfortunately everything he said I related to. I have thought about it in the past, and it would make a lot of sense. I mean to be entirely honest I haven't felt suicidal for almost 2 years now, but I did self harm myself 2 or 3 weeks ago (forced a nose bleed - I was drunk) but that situation has only occured once in the past anyway. I don't know recently I've sort of like been stressed out with uni work and I haven't particularly wanted to be around friends, but unfortunately all I do is write on my laptop and I know it's like, what I'm writing is stuff like this, I don't know something happened earlier in the week with Louise that has put fuel back in the fire again. I've always been particularly observant aswell and that's another thing, for some reason I started writing about Arcade Fire's new album and how important it is, it is sort of like, during summer aswell I just became obsessed with creating music and spent a lot of time recording random sounds.
I went to jack's seminar because I didn't want to get up for my 10 am one, fully aware that Louise was going to be there and I was anxious about this because I basically told her in January that I have feelings for her. The way I went about that, sort of just tells me that I was sort of in a state I don't think I've been before, it was like I thought I was being rational but perhaps what I actually said was irrational. I just worry about these things a lot. I think to a certain extent she understood ok, she said she understood my feelings and that it didn't have to be a problem. However on Tuesday she did smile at me and I smiled back, but then she kept looking at me and I noticed out of the corner of my eye, it was like during the group discussion, as always a lot of funny comments were made and it was like she was laughing and looking at me and I got pretty confused, she was going out of her way to get my attention and I was unsure whether I should take the risk to like show I really like her.
Again I might be jumping the gun but sometimes, I don't think necessarily with situations, but trying to understand emotions sort of bugs me. Especially over technology it is quite a problem sort of, well not all the time, but it is like, when I wanted to talk to Louise I actually wanted to be vocal about it because it generally benefits things for me, I mean I still don't really have a doubt in my mind that there is something going on between us that doesn't make much sense.
It's pretty difficult because I feel quite comfortable & excited when I talk to her, it's a totally polar opposite feeling to like anything else I've ever experienced, and I think in the past my anxieties got in the way, and it is like, there have only been periods where I seriously blamed myself for it, whereas other times I felt 'well that's life'. Yet as a friend thing it is just difficult to like establish whether she wants to be friends or not, and I know it has been 6 months but I think it is more of a case that I will have to tell her about this one day, obviously as a friend thing.
Actually, there was a period during last year, towards the end, when I was working through self help and starting to realise that maybe there was a certain instablity about my moods, rather than actually working myself into a happy mood, it seemed to have a path of it's own.
Well that was great - someone from my course just came up and said hello and probably just saw what I was writing. Yipes. Hmm. Doesn't matter. I don't know but I guess a lot of my attention is to telling my friends about a few things, but only when I know, I think I'm that adamant that something is there that - well like whatever. Need to know! If I haven't been to the Doctors by the next time I update please slap me in the face.