ahhhhhhh I don't fucking know!
ughhh fuck you!
I don't know what I want anymore...
my head is all twisted and mixed up, I don't know what to fucking do! I don't know who I am! why does this have to be so hard? I mean really, this is fucking ridiculous... I cant decide! I want to be different but at the same time I want to be the same. I was at farmers market the other day and brennon was there and he said his friends asked if I was an ugly girl or a guy and he said a guy but that's not what bothered me. It's the fact that they thought I was an ugly girl... I didn't realize that until a few hours ago and... I think that heather wants me to wear dresses so that she can draw attention to herself by hanging out with me. On the other hand I just want to have fun. I don't want to get beat up and I don't want to fight with everyone. its not that I care what they think but I'm so tired of fighting. heather doesn't understand and wont EVER understand that I am not as strong as her and I cant just run around screaming and bothering people. What if someone we were bothering were to find out that I wasn't actually a girl but a guy and they decided it would be fun to beat my ass, I mean really who would protect me? heather? haha! it's not that I wouldn't mind being beat up for my cause but I don't think I could handle it emotionally... my parents also against me dressing that way would not give me support and heather just isn't enough sometimes... she thinks I'm making things up or being dramatic or being "emo". I don't know what to fucking do! Then we have this "Band" that we are starting and its going no where fast and I'm not sure if I want to spend 300$ of birthday money on a bass and amp ill never play! I don't even know if I'll like playing the bass! I'm fucking sorry but 300$ dollars is a lot to me, I only get that kind of money once a year and that's on my birthday and I don't know if I want to spend it on heathers half baked plan of "becoming a rock star". But I really do want to be in the band! ughhhhh! see what I mean? I based all of my plan for the future on being in this band and I just want to be certain it's going to happen! I cant waist time on something we are going to drag out for a few years in a few local shows and then just break up because its not working. I just don't think I have enough power and kick in me to satisfy heather! ughhh I don't fucking know. I am just SO tired and worn out, I don't think I can go on living her fast pace lifestyle without having a nervous breakdown... ANYWAYS! I have to go
I HAVE A HEADACHE!
I don't know what I want anymore...
my head is all twisted and mixed up, I don't know what to fucking do! I don't know who I am! why does this have to be so hard? I mean really, this is fucking ridiculous... I cant decide! I want to be different but at the same time I want to be the same. I was at farmers market the other day and brennon was there and he said his friends asked if I was an ugly girl or a guy and he said a guy but that's not what bothered me. It's the fact that they thought I was an ugly girl... I didn't realize that until a few hours ago and... I think that heather wants me to wear dresses so that she can draw attention to herself by hanging out with me. On the other hand I just want to have fun. I don't want to get beat up and I don't want to fight with everyone. its not that I care what they think but I'm so tired of fighting. heather doesn't understand and wont EVER understand that I am not as strong as her and I cant just run around screaming and bothering people. What if someone we were bothering were to find out that I wasn't actually a girl but a guy and they decided it would be fun to beat my ass, I mean really who would protect me? heather? haha! it's not that I wouldn't mind being beat up for my cause but I don't think I could handle it emotionally... my parents also against me dressing that way would not give me support and heather just isn't enough sometimes... she thinks I'm making things up or being dramatic or being "emo". I don't know what to fucking do! Then we have this "Band" that we are starting and its going no where fast and I'm not sure if I want to spend 300$ of birthday money on a bass and amp ill never play! I don't even know if I'll like playing the bass! I'm fucking sorry but 300$ dollars is a lot to me, I only get that kind of money once a year and that's on my birthday and I don't know if I want to spend it on heathers half baked plan of "becoming a rock star". But I really do want to be in the band! ughhhhh! see what I mean? I based all of my plan for the future on being in this band and I just want to be certain it's going to happen! I cant waist time on something we are going to drag out for a few years in a few local shows and then just break up because its not working. I just don't think I have enough power and kick in me to satisfy heather! ughhh I don't fucking know. I am just SO tired and worn out, I don't think I can go on living her fast pace lifestyle without having a nervous breakdown... ANYWAYS! I have to go
I HAVE A HEADACHE!