Where did this feeling come from?
Today my grandparents talked about my mother. I said more than I should have, I think. Since my dad died, I've become more aware of my mom and what she does, and it's not pretty, let's say. I've been very bad about keeping up with her. And the more we talked about it, the more I realized how much I've been very bad about keeping in touch with her.
My life and general attitude have become more cold, more serious, more introverted. I think I say callous things sometimes, or at least I mean to more often than I do.
"Why do you do that, stop wasting your life!"
"I hate that, I don't have time for that!"
"You're an idiot, I hate it when you do that!"
"What are you, a dumbass?? No one thinks that way, and you're stupid for assuming!"
I guess I spare my friends the brunt of my attitudes, or my general inner monologue skills have improved.
Can one be homesick for a country you're only visited three times? I wish I was back in Peru. Rather, I wish I could take my American education with me back to Peru with my family. I hate being here. You can't really go out and not a lot of people I know like just going to the Boston Gardens. They want to walk into stores, go to the movies, eat, have something to do. I suppose it's something that you do by yourself.
I don't know. It might be a stretch to say this, but I get depressed internalizing all the pain and suffering of my family's problems and that's why I get melancholy. Especially my cousin and her daughter. She's my age, my cousin, but no one in the family likes her. I think it's because she's very brusque and somewhat selfish, but it's also her gang affiliation and the fact that she didn't take after me. You know, quiet, mellow, geeky. No one in the family likes her, and beyond buying her food I'm not at liberty to help her. I'd let her stay at my house but I don't pay bills and my brother would probably throw her out. Then I'd hear some kind of bitching from my sister on how I shouldn't let her irresponsibility creep into my life. I really love her daughter, though, but I have no idea how to help her without helping her mom. They are going to Peru on the 22nd, and I can only hope they make it that long. She's staying at her sister's house, but her sister is six kinds worth of fucked up so it's a little nerve wracking for her at the moment. I really love my cousin, too. She was my first friend. This fierce loyalty to that makes me want to protect her, but instead I only get choked up thinking I can't do anything.
I just suck at becoming a better person. There's no way to improve or at least no way I can see right now. I just want to be left alone in my selfishness.
My life and general attitude have become more cold, more serious, more introverted. I think I say callous things sometimes, or at least I mean to more often than I do.
"Why do you do that, stop wasting your life!"
"I hate that, I don't have time for that!"
"You're an idiot, I hate it when you do that!"
"What are you, a dumbass?? No one thinks that way, and you're stupid for assuming!"
I guess I spare my friends the brunt of my attitudes, or my general inner monologue skills have improved.
Can one be homesick for a country you're only visited three times? I wish I was back in Peru. Rather, I wish I could take my American education with me back to Peru with my family. I hate being here. You can't really go out and not a lot of people I know like just going to the Boston Gardens. They want to walk into stores, go to the movies, eat, have something to do. I suppose it's something that you do by yourself.
I don't know. It might be a stretch to say this, but I get depressed internalizing all the pain and suffering of my family's problems and that's why I get melancholy. Especially my cousin and her daughter. She's my age, my cousin, but no one in the family likes her. I think it's because she's very brusque and somewhat selfish, but it's also her gang affiliation and the fact that she didn't take after me. You know, quiet, mellow, geeky. No one in the family likes her, and beyond buying her food I'm not at liberty to help her. I'd let her stay at my house but I don't pay bills and my brother would probably throw her out. Then I'd hear some kind of bitching from my sister on how I shouldn't let her irresponsibility creep into my life. I really love her daughter, though, but I have no idea how to help her without helping her mom. They are going to Peru on the 22nd, and I can only hope they make it that long. She's staying at her sister's house, but her sister is six kinds worth of fucked up so it's a little nerve wracking for her at the moment. I really love my cousin, too. She was my first friend. This fierce loyalty to that makes me want to protect her, but instead I only get choked up thinking I can't do anything.
I just suck at becoming a better person. There's no way to improve or at least no way I can see right now. I just want to be left alone in my selfishness.