Regretting Past Mistakes
She has way too many bad decisions under her belt. Far too many to count. Faith knows that if she spent the time focusing on the bad decisions in her past, she'd never get anything done in the present. She's not like Angel, she can't brood on the past. It's done and over with. it's time to turn over the page and try to live for a future that she knows she doesn't deserve.
But if you asked her and if she was honest, there's a few decisions that Faith really regrets. Decisions that leave her lying awake at night, staring up at the grey ceiling, wondering how she managed to fuck things up so spectacularly.
Let's be honest though, what are the chances of someone coming up to Faith and asking her: Hey Faith what was your worse mistake? What were the handful of mistakes that you regret the most? Faith's pretty certain that anyone who knows her, wouldn't dare to ask her shit like that. Probably because they're afraid that they'd get punched or kick or something worse. Doesn't matter that Faith's on the rocky road of redemption, her bad reputation follows her no matter what she does.
* * *
The biggest and the worse thing she ever decided to do was throwing her lot in with the Mayor. It's the one decision that haunts her the most. To this day, she's conflicted about the Mayor. She's not sure if the way he treated her was real or if it was all an act to keep her on his side. Not that it helped him in the end since she ended up failing him.
Although there's a part of her that's grateful for the fact that she failed him in the end. She can't imagine what things would be like now if she hadn't failed. If he had won, if Buffy and her friends hadn't managed to save the day.
It might be horribly selfish but the thing she regrets most about the decision, is not the people that she hurt, the people that she killed. No she's still worthless when it comes down to it. She regrets the fact that she doesn't know if he actually cared for her or not. That she allowed herself to believe in him even when she was certain that someone like him couldn't care about someone like her. The fact that she still secretly hopes that his actions were true despite everything makes her sick when she focuses on it.
Deep down inside, she wishes that she hadn't thrown her lot in with him. Then she wouldn't be plagued by so many doubts.
* * *
Going to Sunnydale is one of the top worse decisions she's ever made.
Sure she was lost and alone and terrified but deciding to go to Sunnydale was just the start of the downward spiral. If not for Sunnydale, Faith wouldn't be who she is today. But she thinks that if she had stayed in Boston, maybe just maybe she would have become someone different. It's hard to know what would have happened. If she had stayed in Boston, she might have ended up dead or worse.
Still deciding on going to Sunnydale when she was so messed up wasn't the best decision she ever made.
* * *
Not going to Los Angeles when Angel needed her. Well to be honest, Angel needed Buffy but Faith thinks that he could have used any Slayer by his side. Faith's fairly certain that Wes would still have wound up dead. But she thinks that if she had gone to LA when Angel had begged for help instead of staying in Cleveland like a good little Slayer, things might have turned out a lot different.
* * *
Robin.
She had thought that Robin was different. That he was special. That what they had was something special.
Turns out that what they had was just a case of an apocalypse and the threat of their impending deaths.
After Sunnydale, things became awkward. Even living on another Hellmouth, with the threat of apocalypses and their deaths. Maybe it was the fact that he was suddenly thrust into the role of a Watcher and all that. But in the end, what he felt about her wasn't enough. Her heart got torn into so many tiny pieces that Faith sometimes wonder how she manages to trust anyone. And not just romantically.
* * *
Somehow over the years, her relationship with Buffy has developed into something. Faith's not quite sure what it is. But time and distance has mellowed them out. They'll never ever quite be friends but they're not enemies anymore.
Still not taking the chance, not kissing her when they were in the Bronze or on patrol, a dozen or more little decisions to not act all plague her. How might have things been different if she hadn't been such a coward? If she had just inched forward and claimed the blonde's lips with her own? She'll never know because it'll never be the same again.
And in the end, when it comes down to it, Faith kinda of likes the relationship that they have now. There's a lot less jealousy and hatred between them. But she does miss the sexual tension, the sense of urgency and she can't help but wonder what might have happened if she had just decided to zig instead of zagging back when she had had the chance.
* * *
Staying in Cleveland has turned out to be a pretty bad decision. One that bothers her when she's trying to sleep in the early dawn hours, with her body aching from bruises, cuts and a variety of other aches and pains. She rather resents the fact that she's only used as damage control by Robin. He keeps her away from his precious little Slayers as if she's contaminated, as if she's nothing but filth who'll taint their pure little hearts.
And perhaps that's what bothers her the most. He doesn't trust her to work side by side with any of her Slayers. Long after Buffy has decided that Faith deserves a second chance, Robin has decided that she's not worth of on. And Faith's pretty certain that his reluctance to have her work side by side with his Slayers has nothing to do with the awkwardness between them because they had had sex a few times. (Well more than a few times but it's not as if Faith was counting or anything.)
When it comes down to it, Faith will be the first person to admit that she wants nothing to do with the junior Slayer brigade. They're a little too sugary sweet for her likes and they have some serious issues handling a lot of the common shit that a Slayer needs to handle. Not that Faith doesn't ever break down some nights, just like she suspects Buffy does too. It's all part and parcel of being a Slayer. But the girls that Robin has, they're all raw, inexperienced and Faith just can't deal with it.
* * *
Never looking back when Diana came into her life. Her first Watcher saved her. Faith doesn't doubt that. But when Diana had given her a chance to leave her shitty life behind, Faith had taken it. And she had never once looked back. She thought that she was worthy of a destiny, that this was all due her.
She had abandoned her mother and left her behind without a second glance.
Maybe her mother was a bad mother and all but in the end, her mother was her mother and Faith just left her behind. She never even cried when Diana had told her mother was dead.
* * *
Xander.
Faith thinks that Xander probably got over the way she treated him a lot sooner than she ever did. Not that she ever did.
Strangely enough, it was Xander that had haunted her the most when she was in prison. She's not sure why. But Xander made her think about who she was, how she used her sexuality as a weapon and how she had probably hurt him.
There's no way that she's going to go to him and tell him that she's sorry. Because she doesn't do shit like that. And she doubts that Xander would appreciate the sentiment now. But still, there are times when she has to interact with him and she can't help but wonder what he's thinking about. If he thinks back to that moment where she thought that she could use him for sex and then discard him because how many guys like him have used girls like her all of the time? Or probably to be more accurate, how many guys did she let use her on the road from Boston to Sunnydale?
It's not really a pleasant topic to think about.
* * *
If Xander was a bad decision then the body swap was probably even worse.
Especially considering what she did with that body. But it gave her a chance.
A chance to see what it was like on the other side of the grass. And yeah that grass was fucking emerald green no matter what that cliché means.
* * *
The decision to beat up a girl when she woke up from her coma so that she could get some clothes and leave the hospital. For some reason that decision haunts her.
Faith's not sure why. It might be because she has no idea if that girl lived or died. Faith entered her life with the force and ferocity of a hurricane and she left it as quickly. It was a sign of how savage she was, how feral she was, how far from grace she had fallen.
It wasn't even a decision to be honest. Faith doesn't even have the excuse of survival. She probably could have taken what she wanted with a lot less force.
Out of all her victims, out of all her decisions, that girl hurts the most. When she woke up from the coma, she probably could have gone to Buffy and Giles. Appealed to their better nature, told them that she was a changed Slayer. She could have found a way to LA, beseeched Angel to give her that second chance. But she didn't do any of that. She beat up some random girl for her clothes and a few pathetic crumpled up dollar bills so that she could seek her revenge on little Miss Perfect Buffy.
* * *
Faith's got a life that's not one she's overly proud of. She's made more than her fair share of mistakes. There are times when she's pretty certain that she's never going to find redemption and that she doesn't deserve it. But for the most part, she doesn't let her regrets overwhelm her. Instead there are just a select few that cause her stomach to turn while they lead to long restless nights.
Inspired by justprompts - ten bad decisions, word count: 1840
But if you asked her and if she was honest, there's a few decisions that Faith really regrets. Decisions that leave her lying awake at night, staring up at the grey ceiling, wondering how she managed to fuck things up so spectacularly.
Let's be honest though, what are the chances of someone coming up to Faith and asking her: Hey Faith what was your worse mistake? What were the handful of mistakes that you regret the most? Faith's pretty certain that anyone who knows her, wouldn't dare to ask her shit like that. Probably because they're afraid that they'd get punched or kick or something worse. Doesn't matter that Faith's on the rocky road of redemption, her bad reputation follows her no matter what she does.
* * *
The biggest and the worse thing she ever decided to do was throwing her lot in with the Mayor. It's the one decision that haunts her the most. To this day, she's conflicted about the Mayor. She's not sure if the way he treated her was real or if it was all an act to keep her on his side. Not that it helped him in the end since she ended up failing him.
Although there's a part of her that's grateful for the fact that she failed him in the end. She can't imagine what things would be like now if she hadn't failed. If he had won, if Buffy and her friends hadn't managed to save the day.
It might be horribly selfish but the thing she regrets most about the decision, is not the people that she hurt, the people that she killed. No she's still worthless when it comes down to it. She regrets the fact that she doesn't know if he actually cared for her or not. That she allowed herself to believe in him even when she was certain that someone like him couldn't care about someone like her. The fact that she still secretly hopes that his actions were true despite everything makes her sick when she focuses on it.
Deep down inside, she wishes that she hadn't thrown her lot in with him. Then she wouldn't be plagued by so many doubts.
* * *
Going to Sunnydale is one of the top worse decisions she's ever made.
Sure she was lost and alone and terrified but deciding to go to Sunnydale was just the start of the downward spiral. If not for Sunnydale, Faith wouldn't be who she is today. But she thinks that if she had stayed in Boston, maybe just maybe she would have become someone different. It's hard to know what would have happened. If she had stayed in Boston, she might have ended up dead or worse.
Still deciding on going to Sunnydale when she was so messed up wasn't the best decision she ever made.
* * *
Not going to Los Angeles when Angel needed her. Well to be honest, Angel needed Buffy but Faith thinks that he could have used any Slayer by his side. Faith's fairly certain that Wes would still have wound up dead. But she thinks that if she had gone to LA when Angel had begged for help instead of staying in Cleveland like a good little Slayer, things might have turned out a lot different.
* * *
Robin.
She had thought that Robin was different. That he was special. That what they had was something special.
Turns out that what they had was just a case of an apocalypse and the threat of their impending deaths.
After Sunnydale, things became awkward. Even living on another Hellmouth, with the threat of apocalypses and their deaths. Maybe it was the fact that he was suddenly thrust into the role of a Watcher and all that. But in the end, what he felt about her wasn't enough. Her heart got torn into so many tiny pieces that Faith sometimes wonder how she manages to trust anyone. And not just romantically.
* * *
Somehow over the years, her relationship with Buffy has developed into something. Faith's not quite sure what it is. But time and distance has mellowed them out. They'll never ever quite be friends but they're not enemies anymore.
Still not taking the chance, not kissing her when they were in the Bronze or on patrol, a dozen or more little decisions to not act all plague her. How might have things been different if she hadn't been such a coward? If she had just inched forward and claimed the blonde's lips with her own? She'll never know because it'll never be the same again.
And in the end, when it comes down to it, Faith kinda of likes the relationship that they have now. There's a lot less jealousy and hatred between them. But she does miss the sexual tension, the sense of urgency and she can't help but wonder what might have happened if she had just decided to zig instead of zagging back when she had had the chance.
* * *
Staying in Cleveland has turned out to be a pretty bad decision. One that bothers her when she's trying to sleep in the early dawn hours, with her body aching from bruises, cuts and a variety of other aches and pains. She rather resents the fact that she's only used as damage control by Robin. He keeps her away from his precious little Slayers as if she's contaminated, as if she's nothing but filth who'll taint their pure little hearts.
And perhaps that's what bothers her the most. He doesn't trust her to work side by side with any of her Slayers. Long after Buffy has decided that Faith deserves a second chance, Robin has decided that she's not worth of on. And Faith's pretty certain that his reluctance to have her work side by side with his Slayers has nothing to do with the awkwardness between them because they had had sex a few times. (Well more than a few times but it's not as if Faith was counting or anything.)
When it comes down to it, Faith will be the first person to admit that she wants nothing to do with the junior Slayer brigade. They're a little too sugary sweet for her likes and they have some serious issues handling a lot of the common shit that a Slayer needs to handle. Not that Faith doesn't ever break down some nights, just like she suspects Buffy does too. It's all part and parcel of being a Slayer. But the girls that Robin has, they're all raw, inexperienced and Faith just can't deal with it.
* * *
Never looking back when Diana came into her life. Her first Watcher saved her. Faith doesn't doubt that. But when Diana had given her a chance to leave her shitty life behind, Faith had taken it. And she had never once looked back. She thought that she was worthy of a destiny, that this was all due her.
She had abandoned her mother and left her behind without a second glance.
Maybe her mother was a bad mother and all but in the end, her mother was her mother and Faith just left her behind. She never even cried when Diana had told her mother was dead.
* * *
Xander.
Faith thinks that Xander probably got over the way she treated him a lot sooner than she ever did. Not that she ever did.
Strangely enough, it was Xander that had haunted her the most when she was in prison. She's not sure why. But Xander made her think about who she was, how she used her sexuality as a weapon and how she had probably hurt him.
There's no way that she's going to go to him and tell him that she's sorry. Because she doesn't do shit like that. And she doubts that Xander would appreciate the sentiment now. But still, there are times when she has to interact with him and she can't help but wonder what he's thinking about. If he thinks back to that moment where she thought that she could use him for sex and then discard him because how many guys like him have used girls like her all of the time? Or probably to be more accurate, how many guys did she let use her on the road from Boston to Sunnydale?
It's not really a pleasant topic to think about.
* * *
If Xander was a bad decision then the body swap was probably even worse.
Especially considering what she did with that body. But it gave her a chance.
A chance to see what it was like on the other side of the grass. And yeah that grass was fucking emerald green no matter what that cliché means.
* * *
The decision to beat up a girl when she woke up from her coma so that she could get some clothes and leave the hospital. For some reason that decision haunts her.
Faith's not sure why. It might be because she has no idea if that girl lived or died. Faith entered her life with the force and ferocity of a hurricane and she left it as quickly. It was a sign of how savage she was, how feral she was, how far from grace she had fallen.
It wasn't even a decision to be honest. Faith doesn't even have the excuse of survival. She probably could have taken what she wanted with a lot less force.
Out of all her victims, out of all her decisions, that girl hurts the most. When she woke up from the coma, she probably could have gone to Buffy and Giles. Appealed to their better nature, told them that she was a changed Slayer. She could have found a way to LA, beseeched Angel to give her that second chance. But she didn't do any of that. She beat up some random girl for her clothes and a few pathetic crumpled up dollar bills so that she could seek her revenge on little Miss Perfect Buffy.
* * *
Faith's got a life that's not one she's overly proud of. She's made more than her fair share of mistakes. There are times when she's pretty certain that she's never going to find redemption and that she doesn't deserve it. But for the most part, she doesn't let her regrets overwhelm her. Instead there are just a select few that cause her stomach to turn while they lead to long restless nights.
Inspired by justprompts - ten bad decisions, word count: 1840