yesterday

[faithlessness]

I was worried about how i was going to finish my son's Halloween costume. How I was going to get through pain and do things i was obligated to do. This was all before I got the text message this morning that told me that a person I cared for more deeply then i knew passed away. It's weird. You live your whole life with a person who has shaped it in some form or fashion as to become a permanent fixture in your choices that's so ingrained that no matter what you do that person is immortalized in your heart and therefore immortalized period. You think they can't ever leave you or this plane of existence not because that's realistic but because that's how powerfully they affected your life. Then you wake up one morning to realize that person doesn't breath the same air you do anymore. All that love and emotion they had for you and you had for them is gone. Morphed. Changed. Into something that's not earthly anymore. I didn't even realize John was my hero until i got that message today because he was just such a part of my life. He was my Godfather. My father's mentor and the only really real Grandfather I ever had. The other ones were just name only for the most part. John married my parents. He taught me about loving people so much it hurts not to. He sure did love us crazy Hume kids more then we probably know. He taught me that i was worthy of having dreams and happiness when my life was falling apart around the seams. And now... he's gone. My son will never know how cool he was. My husband will never know how powerful and wonderful he was. I will never really get to know him as an adult. I have never cried like this when someone close to me has died. Not even miscarriages. I didn't think it would hit me this hard when dad told me he was sick. It seemed unreal. It's worse then anything I have ever known emotion wise and I really am dealing with it which is why i am posting this. I feel like I can't breath. Or i am breathing really slowly and it's not enough air. I want to hug someone but at the same time want to just be alone and I can't decide which is better. I will really miss you John. Always
Thanks for listening guys
CJMH