Practical Lesson #2
Many thanks to pir8fancier and madam_minnie for providing us with their porn scenes.
Slasher’s Guide to Gay Sex:
practical lesson #2
WARNING: NC-17
Please note, that both of the authors volunteered for this project.
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In green -- stuff that, in my most humble opinion, could be considered ‘all right.’
In red -- stuff that, in my most humble opinion, needs some editing or cutting.
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Porn scene from Snape: The Home Fries Nazi by pir8fancier
pir8fancier: I have a fairly thick hide, so don't candy coat your criticisms
No sooner did Harry plonk down the grocery bags on the counter than Snape was on him. Two hands wrenched his tee shirt out of his jeans and shoved up under his loosen shirt to pinch his nipples, while a mouth and teeth nibbled him through his jeans. Harry braced himself against the kitchen counter, trying to push into those fingers, that mouth, and found he couldn't do both. He whimpered in frustration and then the hands pulled down on his jeans and shorts in one sharp tug. Snape's mouth was everywhere. The inside of this thigh, around his balls, licking, sucking. Harry knew he was making the most obscene grunts and moans but he couldn't help it. He wanted to spread his legs, offer himself, but his legs were hampered in his jeans and he began mewling, "Off, off," hoping Snape would understand.
Harry may have hated Snape, but he had never questioned his intelligence. Snape pulled and tugged at a pant leg to free one leg, and Harry spread himself as wide as he could-oh fuck yeah-so Snape could eat him whole. One hand fondled his balls and while the other anchored his hip, and his mouth, his wonderful mouth, worked Harry's dick in a torturous back and forth, laving the head and then deep throating him. Snape snuck a finger in the crook of his mouth to wet it and then began circling and teasing around his pucker. Harry couldn't even speak, couldn't even beg because it was so effing wonderful and horrible and if he didn't come within the next ten seconds...a finger slipped in and he was done for. The firm grip on his hip stopped him from completely choking Snape as he jerked forward in release, over and over.
And it wasn't enough. That finger. That finger had teased him, had promised him. He wanted it so badly, even though he was still tingling from his orgasm. Even though his bones felt like they'd melted into goo pooling in his feet. It wasn't enough. He grabbed a grocery bag and emptied the contents on the counter. Not there. Grabbed the other and upended it. Groceries tumbled onto the floor as Harry rummaged through the cucumbers and lettuce to find the lube. He slapped the tube into Snape's hand.
"Now, now," he begged and fell on his knees, his arse in the air in invitation.
Harry would swear later that he heard Snape utter a "fuck" under his breath. When asked later, Snape denied it. But he said it, and he said it again when he slipped a slick finger into Harry's arse, and yet again when Harry demanded another. By three fingers, Harry was moaning so loud that he couldn't possibly hear anything over his own voice. Snape sucked and bit his neck and shoulders as he pushed in slowly, and Harry focused on the sharp edge of Snape's teeth and not the burn in his arse. The angling of his hips as he eased his dick into Harry was so effing good, all of it so careful and precise and perfect, dear Merlin, so Snape-like. So fucking sure of himself. Harry had been scraping his nails futilely against the tile for some sort of purchase, something to anchor him, but fuck that now. He brought his hand to his dick with a sob of relief. Because although he'd come three times in the last twenty-four hours, nothing, nothing is like a fuck and he hadn't had anyone in him in such a long time and if he didn't come off with Snape in him he was going to implode. Snape pulled his hand away. "Not yet, Mr. Potter," and Harry obeyed. He obeyed as Snape pushed open his knees just a little more with one of his own; he obeyed as Snape did some circle and dip thing with his hips that swiped every inch of his prostate and had him shuddering and sweating with want; he obeyed, even as he cried, "Uh, uh, uh," in rhythm with Snape's measured and thorough fuck of his arse, the best fuck he'd ever had in his life and who would have thought that Snape would know how to fuck and dear fucking hell now, now, now, nownownownownow.
Overall, the scene is quite decent.
‘and shoved up under his loosen shirt to pinch his nipples’ -- let’s say that pinching nipples isn’t the priority when people are in a hurry, and I take it, the characters are in a hurry. (loosen is a verb, by the way)
‘trying to push into those fingers, that mouth, and found he couldn't do both’ -- situation is a bit ridiculous.
‘Snape's mouth was everywhere. The inside of this thigh, around his balls, licking, sucking’ -- I see Snape’s mouth is really big and multifunctional.
‘He wanted to spread his legs, offer himself, but his legs were hampered in his jeans and he began mewling, "Off, off," hoping Snape would understand’ -- again, the situation is a bit ridiculous. And, by the way, a reader has no need to know those details, because they aren’t very arousing.
‘eat him whole’ -- very strange phrase.
‘One hand fondled his balls and while the other anchored his hip, and his mouth, his wonderful mouth, worked Harry's dick in a torturous back and forth, laving the head and then deep throating him’ -- now, something is terribly wrong with English here. It’s unclear, who is the owner of which body parts. (‘and’ isn’t needed here)
‘and if he didn't come within the next ten seconds...a finger slipped in and he was done for’ -- very strange phrase. He was done for sounds peculiar in this context. It’s better to say that finger was his undoing.
‘he jerked forward in release, over and over’ -- without over and over. The moment of release isn’t that long to jerk forward in it, over and over again for an hour.
‘had promised him’ -- had promised him what?
‘He wanted it so badly’ -- what?
‘He grabbed a grocery bag and emptied the contents on the counter. Not there. Grabbed the other and upended it. Groceries tumbled onto the floor as Harry rummaged through the cucumbers and lettuce to find the lube. He slapped the tube into Snape's hand’ -- not terribly turning on. I knew they were in a hurry and there is no need to repeat it.
‘Now, now,’ he begged and fell on his knees, his arse in the air in invitation’ -- don’t like the phrase at all.
‘when Harry demanded another. By three fingers, Harry was moaning so loud that he couldn't possibly hear anything over his own voice’ -- why would someone demand another finger in their ass? Fingering is a good thing for a slow lovemaking, but nothing could possibly replace a thick, long, juicy cock. Mmm. Nothing at all.
‘and Harry focused on the sharp edge of Snape's teeth and not the burn in his arse. The angling of his hips as he eased his dick into Harry was so effing good, all of it so careful and precise and perfect, dear Merlin, so Snape-like. So fucking sure of himself. Harry had been scraping his nails futilely against the tile for some sort of purchase, something to anchor him, but fuck that now’ -- the first sentence states that Harry feels burning in his ass; in the next one, it is effing good. Dear reader, choose whatever you like most.
‘he was going to implode’ -- maybe explode?
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Porn scene from Strategic Planning by madam_minnie
"What exactly did you want the DA to… what are you doing?" Harry asked, his eyes widening when Ron started to pull his jumper over his head as he toed off his trainers.
"Taking a bath. That carriage ride always lifts all the dust into my face and I feel gritty. Keep talking, I'm listening." Ron was now undoing his zipper one-handed while turning the taps with the other. "Which do you like better, Strawberry or Raspberry bubbles?"
"What… what are you talking about Ron? I don't have time for a bath, I have to go!" And he made to walk to the door of the bathroom, his face red and his hands suddenly feeling sweaty.
He'd gaped! How many times had they changed in the Quidditch Changing Rooms and now he gapes? Ron was standing there completely naked, his trousers long kicked aside as he bent to turn the taps and Harry had been staring at his body. He didn't need this complication and he didn't need it now. But as his thoughts continued to stray toward this dilemma, he suddenly felt himself being pulled back against his will toward the bubble-laden bath housing his best friend. A very naked and very wet best friend.
"What are you doing?" Harry asked. Ron pushed himself up on the edge of the swimming pool-sized tub and tugged Harry into the strawberry scented water, his arms enveloping Harry's chest. He was soaked from head to toe, his robes clinging to his body much like his hair was to the top of his head.
"Showing you what the DA needs," Ron whispered, his eyes hot and glinting in the faerie light around them.
"A bath? The DA needs a bath?"
"Well, what one of the DA members needs," and advancing on his best friend, Ron Weasley pinned Harry to the side of the pool, his hands on the other man's shoulders, their noses almost touching.
"Ron? What are you…" but just as he was to ask the repetitive question, Ron crashed their lips together. The kiss was unexpected and Harry couldn't think, couldn't process anything other than his best friend was kissing him. Ron Weasley was currently snogging the life out of Harry and it felt… right. His kisses were fierce, their teeth clashed and when Harry cupped Ron's face and met the ginger-haired man's tongue with his own, the sounds of their moans mingled in the strawberry-scented air.
Harry's head swam with thoughts of 'they shouldn't be doing this' mingled with those of 'to hell with everything I never want to leave his mouth ever again!' His reverie was jarred however by the feel of a very large, very masculine and very strong hand stroking him through his trousers. Their kisses grew hungrier, more needy as Ron's palm was now stroking Harry's growing erection with such ferocity Harry's hips bucked against it. He suddenly felt too clothed.
His clothes were sensitizing his skin, the sounds of the water sloshing around him was driving him mad and Ron's lips against his Adam's apple, sucking and nibbling along his neck was spiking his lust to a level he never thought possible. His cock was now painfully jutting against his trousers and Ron did not seem to care that he was still dressed.
"Ron," he moaned as Ron's hands found their way around his hips and were stroking his backside. "Have to get out… too much… need to…"
Ron pulled back, his eyes pain-filled. "Oh shit, I fucked up, didn't I?" He ran a hand through is wet ginger hair and Harry stood in the tub panting, wide-eyed, his lips still burning from the searing kisses Ron had left.
When his head cleared slightly Harry realized what Ron was thinking. What he had deduced from his words and thinking the spell clearly in his mind, his wand clutched firmly in his right hand, he banished his own clothing then advanced on the other man.
"No, but I wouldn't mind you fucking something else," his lips claimed Ron's and running his hands down Ron's massive chest, his fingers curled around the root of a large and thick cock he'd just recently been admiring. "Namely, me."
‘I don't have time for a bath’ -- apparently, Ron was going to take a bath, not Harry, so there was no need for Harry to say that. Author could have put an emphasis here, in which case it would be understood like Freudian slip.
‘He'd gaped!’ -- do avoid short sentences with ambiguous meaning.
‘his arms enveloping Harry's chest. He was soaked from head to toe, his robes clinging to his body much like his hair was to the top of his head’ -- whose???
‘but just as he was to ask’ -- as he was about to ask.
‘and it felt… right […] Harry's head swam with thoughts of 'they shouldn't be doing this' mingled with those of 'to hell with everything I never want to leave his mouth ever again!’ -- so, it felt right or Harry was unsure?
‘the sounds of the water sloshing around him was driving him mad’ -- I think I should go and slosh some water around to drive myself mad.
‘When his head cleared slightly Harry realized what Ron was thinking. What he had deduced from his words’ -- I hate stupid characters that get their knickers in a painful twist because they misunderstood something. I hate stupidity! Please, don’t write about stupid people.
‘No, but I wouldn't mind you fucking something else’ -- sounds good, but Harry experiences major changes in a matter of a few paragraphs -- from being really unsure to being… well, ready to get fucked.
Ron's resolve was lost in that moment and as they battled for dominance in the water, their bodies rubbing and colliding against each other, Harry wrapped his legs around Ron's waist and ground his hips against Ron's belly. The light trail of hair there provided the perfect friction and when Ron's middle finger breached his entrance, his groan was swallowed in Ron's kiss.
The suds from the strawberry bubbles proved to be the perfect lubricant, it seems as Ron's fingers continued to widen him and prepare him for what Harry knew was going to be the moment their lives changed forever. Where they moved from friends to lovers and with their foreheads touching, their chests heaving from their panting, Ron begged.
"Please Harry… can I?"
"Yes! Please you're driving me mad!"
Removing his fingers and turning them around so that Harry's back was against the tub wall, Ron lifted Harry out of the water and gripping his erection at the base, he asked once more.
Harry locked his ankles around Ron's waist and eased himself over that thick cock, his eyes rolling back in his head as he winced.
"Do it… god move, you're killing me!"
Ron didn't need to be told twice. With his hands on Harry's waist he brought the raven-haired man down forcibly on his throbbing cock and their groans bounced against the tiled walls for what seemed like an eternity.
Their bodies slapped together, the water lapping against them as Harry propped himself up on his elbows and met Ron's thrusts, his cock bobbing out of the water with each forcible thrust. It didn't take long for their climax and neither could remember today who came first but as they groaned each other's names, their seed spilt in the bathwater and their bodies remained joined through their post-coital bliss, their hearts bound together in a way that not even an Unbreakable Vow could compare.
Overall, the scene was hot. There were lots of mistakes, but it was still HOT.
‘The light trail of hair there provided the perfect friction’ -- I seriously doubt that. Should I fuck my very furry bedspread?
‘it seems’ -- it seemed.
‘the moment their lives changed forever’ -- you know, forever is a very long while. There is nothing that could happen in a short porn fic that would change something forever.
‘they moved from friends to lovers’ -- why would they do that? Why didn’t they move from friends to fuck buddies? Everything must be proved.
‘Removing his fingers and turning them around so that Harry's back was against the tub wall’ -- Ron turned his fingers, which resulted in Harry’s back being against the tub wall??? Fantastic!
‘his eyes rolling back in his head as he winced’ -- when someone winces, their eyes usually do not roll back.
‘the raven-haired man’ -- it’s a moot point whether to use such things or not, but I suggest you don’t. I’d like to hear what you think about it.
‘groans bounced against the tiled walls for what seemed like an eternity’ -- I actually laughed. It’s hilarious!
‘and neither could remember today who came first but as they groaned each other's names’ -- it’s also hilarious! ‘I came first!’ ‘No, I came first!’ ‘You are lying!’ ‘No, you are lying!’ *fistfight*
‘their hearts bound together in a way that not even an Unbreakable Vow could compare’ -- ahem, good for them, I guess. And all it took was just a fuck in a bathtub!