some thoughts lately
Been thinkin’ about family a lot lately. The family that I’ve got now, the family I wish I could forget, and the family I wanted.
Gotta say that the family I wanted is kinda different from what I’ve got. For a while I didn’t want family. I mean, mine was pretty much either dead or MIA. Past tense. I thought family was pretty much there to thoroughly damage you in some way.
I’ve been thinking about my mom. I think it’s because I’m going to be one, you know. It’s not bringing up the coziest of memories. I try to think of some good memory of me with my mom and the only one I can remember clearly is somethin’ when I was like 10. It was kinda one of those moments I’d… gotten trouble in school. Probably some dumb thing like setting a frog on the teacher’s seat or something (which I did do one). So, anyway, I get one of those detention slips that they make your parents sign, and my mom has seen about a million of them. I hand this yellow slip to her, the ugly color of a number two pencil, and she stares at it. After a moment she starts laughing and she ruffles my hair. She calls me a firecracker. I don’t know why… but she didn’t get angry with me or anything, and I felt good. Things felt normal and not all broken. For the most part things weren’t like that - I don’t know… it was just nice.
I keep hopin’ that Noah is gonna adore me, just like I do for him. I hope he knows his whole life that I love him. I hope I can be a good mom for him. I hope he never once thinks that he's a mistake, because he's not. He's one of the best things that have ever happened to me.
This is all pretty weird and new, you know? I never thought I’d have anyone. I never really thought that being in love and all that corny stuff was worth it. I always assumed that when you fall in love you just got hurt. You opened yourself up and let that person inside and they left you in a mess. I always saw my mom going through that. She used to tell me that I’d be the same; to use and lose before they had the chance to. But I’m not like she said I’d be. I’m really not. I’ve done things in my life that I’m not proud of, which might be a bit understated, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be happy. I get that now.
And I am, really really happy. I’m with someone who loves me - who I can love back. And we have this house and a kid on the way. I have a sister and a best friend. I’ve never felt this way before. If this is what love has to offer then I accept.
name = Faith
age = 21
piercings = My ears.
tattoos = One on my left arm, another on my ankle.
height = 5'5"
shoe size = 7 1/2 - 8 (depending on the kind of shoe I’m wearing)
hair color = Dark Brown
siblings = Technically? Tara, Donny. (Never met him though. Think I’d be just fine with having Tara.)
LAST
movie you rented = Uh… I’m really not sure actually.
movie you bought = See above?
song you listened to = Change (In The House Of Flies) - Deftones
song that was stuck in your head = Junkie - Poe
CD you bought = I don’t think I’ve bought one… I’ve had some given to me though.
CD you listened to = The ones Willow gave me for my birthday.
person you've called = I usually just see them if I want to talk to them.
person that's called you = Um, doctor about next medical check up for Me and Noah.
TV show you've watched = Friends.
person you were thinking of = Fred, actually. Wondering how she’s doing.
DO
you have a crush on someone = Yeah… I don’t think it’s actually qualified as a crush anymore though, but you know… butterflies in stomach still happen… all that romantic stuff.
you wish you could live somewhere else = Sometimes.
you think about suicide = Haven’t in a long while.
you believe in online dating = It kinda creeps me out. ‘Cause you never really can tell if the person is bein’ truthful or not. And you always hear about those things going wrong.
others find you attractive = I’m pretty sure that they do.
you want more piercings = If the mood strikes.
you drink = Nope. Never have, don’t plan on doing so.
you do drugs = Nope.
you smoke = Used to. Not anymore.
you like cleaning = Does anyone really like cleaning?
you like roller coasters = Never been on one.
you write in cursive or print = Kinda a mix of the two.
you carry a donor card = No, but it might be an idea to.
FOR OR AGAINST...
long distance relationships = To each their own. It would probably be hard though.
using someone = Against.
suicide = Against. I’ve had people around me do that. including my mom Doesn’t help a damn thing.
killing people = Against. Not going to even put reasoning here.
teenage smoking = Against. I did smoke in later teens. (Mostly because in the big house cigarettes can be traded for anything.) It’s not healthy… And I wouldn’t wanna see Noah grow up and smoke.
driving drunk = Against. You can’t see the numbers on the phone to dial a cab, you shouldn’t be drivin’
gay/lesbian relationships = For. People should be happy and it doesn’t matter if people are as long as they’re in love with each other.
soap operas = *smirks* For.
FAVORITE
food = Pizza, with Anchovies. Pickles and popsicles.
song = Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot
thing to do = Hang out with my friends and my boyfriend.
thing to talk about = Right now? Noah.
sports = Yoga. That’s a sport right? I mean… not really competitive, but it works you into a sweat.
drinks = Mochas. Which I can’t have. So, settling for Chocolate Milkshakes.
clothes = My jeans and my leather pants… both of which I can no longer wear.
movies = Apocalypse Now, Breakfast Club, Meet The Parents, Loser. Like Dawnie said, this list could go on for a while.
band/singer = Switchfoot, Deftones, Poe, Plumb, Joydrop, Righteous Brothers Goes on.
holiday = Christmas, usually. Haven’t really had the best holidays.
cars = 57’ Chevy Bel Air.
HAVE YOU
ever cried over a girl = Unfortunately.
ever cried over a boy = Unfortunately.
ever lied to someone = Yeah, nothing I’m proud about.
ever been in a fist fight = Far too many times to count.
ever been arrested = More than once.
WHAT
shampoo do you use = Herbal Essence.
shoes do you wear = Usually sneakers or something like Doc Martins.
are you scared of = Loosing people I love. Death. Those are the biggies.
NUMBER
of times I have been in love? = Once.
of times I have had my heart broken? = Depends on romance… or platonic relationships.
of hearts I have broken? = Hopefully none.
of girls I have kissed? = Again asking whether it’s romance or platonic. ‘Cause I’ve kissed all my female friends at some point or another.
of boys I have kissed? = In Sunnydale, Two.
of girls I've slept with? = None.
of boys I've slept with? = One.
of drugs taken illegally? = Once. Tried something. I don’t suggest doing it.
of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = Six. Including family.
of people I consider my enemies? = Mostly just those still on the Watcher’s council.
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = Too many times.
of scars on my body? = Major scar on my stomach. Other random scars on my body from fights.
of things in my past that I regret? = A couple.
FAVORITE
guy name = Talking about kids names? Noah.
girl name = Not sure.
eye color = Brown.
flower = Lilies.
actor = Eliah Wood, Michael J. Fox.
actress = Angelina Jolie, Winona Rider.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
pretty? = Sometimes.
funny? = Not really.
hot? = At times.
friendly? = I think I’m more antisocial.
lovable? = To some people.
caring? = More than I used to be.
dorky? = Yeah… I do.
Gotta say that the family I wanted is kinda different from what I’ve got. For a while I didn’t want family. I mean, mine was pretty much either dead or MIA. Past tense. I thought family was pretty much there to thoroughly damage you in some way.
I’ve been thinking about my mom. I think it’s because I’m going to be one, you know. It’s not bringing up the coziest of memories. I try to think of some good memory of me with my mom and the only one I can remember clearly is somethin’ when I was like 10. It was kinda one of those moments I’d… gotten trouble in school. Probably some dumb thing like setting a frog on the teacher’s seat or something (which I did do one). So, anyway, I get one of those detention slips that they make your parents sign, and my mom has seen about a million of them. I hand this yellow slip to her, the ugly color of a number two pencil, and she stares at it. After a moment she starts laughing and she ruffles my hair. She calls me a firecracker. I don’t know why… but she didn’t get angry with me or anything, and I felt good. Things felt normal and not all broken. For the most part things weren’t like that - I don’t know… it was just nice.
I keep hopin’ that Noah is gonna adore me, just like I do for him. I hope he knows his whole life that I love him. I hope I can be a good mom for him. I hope he never once thinks that he's a mistake, because he's not. He's one of the best things that have ever happened to me.
This is all pretty weird and new, you know? I never thought I’d have anyone. I never really thought that being in love and all that corny stuff was worth it. I always assumed that when you fall in love you just got hurt. You opened yourself up and let that person inside and they left you in a mess. I always saw my mom going through that. She used to tell me that I’d be the same; to use and lose before they had the chance to. But I’m not like she said I’d be. I’m really not. I’ve done things in my life that I’m not proud of, which might be a bit understated, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to be happy. I get that now.
And I am, really really happy. I’m with someone who loves me - who I can love back. And we have this house and a kid on the way. I have a sister and a best friend. I’ve never felt this way before. If this is what love has to offer then I accept.
name = Faith
age = 21
piercings = My ears.
tattoos = One on my left arm, another on my ankle.
height = 5'5"
shoe size = 7 1/2 - 8 (depending on the kind of shoe I’m wearing)
hair color = Dark Brown
siblings = Technically? Tara, Donny. (Never met him though. Think I’d be just fine with having Tara.)
LAST
movie you rented = Uh… I’m really not sure actually.
movie you bought = See above?
song you listened to = Change (In The House Of Flies) - Deftones
song that was stuck in your head = Junkie - Poe
CD you bought = I don’t think I’ve bought one… I’ve had some given to me though.
CD you listened to = The ones Willow gave me for my birthday.
person you've called = I usually just see them if I want to talk to them.
person that's called you = Um, doctor about next medical check up for Me and Noah.
TV show you've watched = Friends.
person you were thinking of = Fred, actually. Wondering how she’s doing.
DO
you have a crush on someone = Yeah… I don’t think it’s actually qualified as a crush anymore though, but you know… butterflies in stomach still happen… all that romantic stuff.
you wish you could live somewhere else = Sometimes.
you think about suicide = Haven’t in a long while.
you believe in online dating = It kinda creeps me out. ‘Cause you never really can tell if the person is bein’ truthful or not. And you always hear about those things going wrong.
others find you attractive = I’m pretty sure that they do.
you want more piercings = If the mood strikes.
you drink = Nope. Never have, don’t plan on doing so.
you do drugs = Nope.
you smoke = Used to. Not anymore.
you like cleaning = Does anyone really like cleaning?
you like roller coasters = Never been on one.
you write in cursive or print = Kinda a mix of the two.
you carry a donor card = No, but it might be an idea to.
FOR OR AGAINST...
long distance relationships = To each their own. It would probably be hard though.
using someone = Against.
suicide = Against. I’ve had people around me do that. including my mom Doesn’t help a damn thing.
killing people = Against. Not going to even put reasoning here.
teenage smoking = Against. I did smoke in later teens. (Mostly because in the big house cigarettes can be traded for anything.) It’s not healthy… And I wouldn’t wanna see Noah grow up and smoke.
driving drunk = Against. You can’t see the numbers on the phone to dial a cab, you shouldn’t be drivin’
gay/lesbian relationships = For. People should be happy and it doesn’t matter if people are as long as they’re in love with each other.
soap operas = *smirks* For.
FAVORITE
food = Pizza, with Anchovies. Pickles and popsicles.
song = Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot
thing to do = Hang out with my friends and my boyfriend.
thing to talk about = Right now? Noah.
sports = Yoga. That’s a sport right? I mean… not really competitive, but it works you into a sweat.
drinks = Mochas. Which I can’t have. So, settling for Chocolate Milkshakes.
clothes = My jeans and my leather pants… both of which I can no longer wear.
movies = Apocalypse Now, Breakfast Club, Meet The Parents, Loser. Like Dawnie said, this list could go on for a while.
band/singer = Switchfoot, Deftones, Poe, Plumb, Joydrop, Righteous Brothers Goes on.
holiday = Christmas, usually. Haven’t really had the best holidays.
cars = 57’ Chevy Bel Air.
HAVE YOU
ever cried over a girl = Unfortunately.
ever cried over a boy = Unfortunately.
ever lied to someone = Yeah, nothing I’m proud about.
ever been in a fist fight = Far too many times to count.
ever been arrested = More than once.
WHAT
shampoo do you use = Herbal Essence.
shoes do you wear = Usually sneakers or something like Doc Martins.
are you scared of = Loosing people I love. Death. Those are the biggies.
NUMBER
of times I have been in love? = Once.
of times I have had my heart broken? = Depends on romance… or platonic relationships.
of hearts I have broken? = Hopefully none.
of girls I have kissed? = Again asking whether it’s romance or platonic. ‘Cause I’ve kissed all my female friends at some point or another.
of boys I have kissed? = In Sunnydale, Two.
of girls I've slept with? = None.
of boys I've slept with? = One.
of drugs taken illegally? = Once. Tried something. I don’t suggest doing it.
of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = Six. Including family.
of people I consider my enemies? = Mostly just those still on the Watcher’s council.
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = Too many times.
of scars on my body? = Major scar on my stomach. Other random scars on my body from fights.
of things in my past that I regret? = A couple.
FAVORITE
guy name = Talking about kids names? Noah.
girl name = Not sure.
eye color = Brown.
flower = Lilies.
actor = Eliah Wood, Michael J. Fox.
actress = Angelina Jolie, Winona Rider.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
pretty? = Sometimes.
funny? = Not really.
hot? = At times.
friendly? = I think I’m more antisocial.
lovable? = To some people.
caring? = More than I used to be.
dorky? = Yeah… I do.