Finally 21.
Happy Birthday to me.
Okay, the last few days have been way more than hectic. I don't even know where to start, but I suppose my birthday would be a good place. One of the more positive things that have happened.
Words cannot express how that was like the best birthday ever. The morning started out with smiles. It was one of those days where you just woke up happy, you know? I attempted to convince Xander to stay home but didn't suceed. After he went to work I went to the Summers' house and hung out with Angel until the evening.
This somehow led me to getting a new tattoo. Found a picture of it here ---> http://www.tattoofashion.com/acatalog/14a-chinese-symbol-love.gif
Everyone was pretty much waiting for us when we did get to B's house. Including Xander who apparently was starting to wear a hole in the floor.
It was really weird seeing this huge pile of gifts on the table (and them being for me.) I mean, Wes and Fred even got gifts. I don't even know them Fred all that well. Wes and I have our respectable history. Watcher and Slayer failing team and all. Fred's becoming a great friend though, and I think Wes and Xander are hanging out a lot too.
Gifts went this way:
Buffy decided to go Anne Rice happy and gave me both the book and the movie, "Interview with the Vampire." I personally find it amusing.
Dawn had already gone clothing shopping with me, but she promised another outfit and gave me this pretty framed picture of the two of us. *smiles*
Mike, the kid with groovy style, gave me a wicked cool Lava Lamp.
Fred and Wesley obviously went shopping together and single-handedly stocked our kitchen with plates, glasses, silverwear and a fresh copy of William Shakespeare's Complete Works.
Willow, probably tired of my search through her Mp3's, made a two disk set of music. One CD mellow and the other less mellow. It included songs like, "Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot and "Chinese Burn" by Curve.
Tara bought me this beautiful necklace; a white quartz cross pendant with two smaller rose quartz stones. It's to promote energy and calmness. Two things that I obviously lack.
Spike gave me my own bottle of black nail polish and a really awesome crossbow. Goodbye, Stakes. Hello, Flying Fatality.
Last, but really really not least... Xander's gift... Way more directed towards Noah, but still. He made Noah a baby crib. It's... beyond beautiful. I have no words.
Food at the birthday party was really yummy. Got my pizza with anchovies! And chocolate cake with chocolate frosting on it. Gotta say that I really enjoyed that frosting....
Dawn somehow didn't look to pleased with her's. *smirk*
I'd say how the night ended, but I'm sure everyone knows. ;)
The next day however I would completely wipe out of existance if I could. Can't say that I woke up happy at all. Neither did Xand. (Considering this whole feeling each other's emotions thing is rather perminant... I'm seeing the down sides of it. I love to be around him, I really do, but with the connection... Sometimes it's overwhelming. I'm near him always.) We pretty much fought all morning - Oh, yeah... that continued well into the evening too.
I went to see Fred for a while and we talked. I don't know... It wasn't as if she wasn't being truthful or anything, just that day was like all bad things coming up and I don't think anything could have helped. I've been wondering too if the spell barely did anything. Xand and I... we've been fighting before this. I guess it just magnified our fears... like it was supposed to. What does that mean? I mean... It didn't help us. Didn't make us stonger. Just incredibly paranoid.
I also talked to Dawn and Mike who both said the same thing... that we're pretty much spending too much time together. That we need air to breathe. I got more suggestions about going back to school. Don't know yet, maybe I will... maybe I won't. The idea at that point was Tai Chi. Anyway, I end up telling Xand, and it's like... complete lack of reaction. So, I start joking around with him... Maybe I'll take up photography, or... be an actress, or a clown. Oh, how about porn star. I'm kidding, right. Finally a reaction. And it's like - He believes me. I want to flash people on screen, Yeah right!
He says something about sharing me.
I think it's my fault because I commented back about not wanting to share him. And then he's completely oblivious as to who he's sharing me with. And it hurts, because... that's all he's ever been doing. Sharing. I think he's still holding onto her. No, no signing of the divorce papers. Too afraid that he's going to lose his son. I heard that Anya is having a boy. And all of this completely stings. I don't know why, but I've never felt so bad in my life next to some other rather life changing events. We have some of the suckiest track records of all time. Sometimes I think that he might find someone better than me. Or decide suddenly that he wants to try to make it work with Anya. I'm pretty positive that she'd take him back in a second. They're obviously still in love with each other.
Next thing I know I'm telling him something along the lines of, "People screw you over. It's just who does it first."
And he give this... laugh and mutters that there are just some moments that Anya and I are so alike that it's scary.
I slapped him.
I'm sorry, I really dislike being compared to exes. I have no one to compare him to. I'm my own person, you know? It burned, badly. There's really not a strong enough word for what I was feeling. I really have nothing against the chick, but he left her. It was like all that we were doing and had been doing was for nothing because in the end I was just going to end up screwed and alone.
I hit him. That part feeling massive guilt about. I mean... I like to think that I wouldn't hit my friends or boyfriend for that matter on a regular basis. Last person I hit was Angel, but he was Angelus at the time. So, thinking that doesn't count too much. Right now, Xander is completely ignoring the fact that I even did that. I kinda wonder if he's bothered and not saying anything. We sort of have a thing called history.
After hitting him - I don't really remember what happened. I passed out I'm sure, 'cause the next thing I know Dawnie's lingering over me doing the energy thing... askin' me what happened. And everything pretty much became too overwhelming to handle and I wanted to get away from it all as fast as I could. So the two of us snapped at each other and I left.
When Xand came home we talked avoidingly. I couldn't say all the things I wanted to say to him - 'bout how much what he said hurt. I tried to explain my actions but he wanted to forget everything about it. I'm trying to let it go, but I don't think I can. I think something bad might happen. I think that - there's something we're missing. I can't quite pinpoint it.
Today, also eventful.
Though not without its inevitable angst.
Karma had its way and - Oh, got in a fight with Anya and got slapped. Man, she has nails. Ow.
Making today's long story short, but way sweeter than it's been. Found out that Tara is my half sister. Which, figuring who my blood family is, makes things better somehow. I don't know why I feel so relieved. It's just nice, having someone out there, related to you and - Don't know. But it's important that she is.
Gotta say that it was kinda weird talking to Tara about our family. She doesn't seem like she wants to and I don't really blame her. Family can screw you over for your whole life and no one seems to notice because it's not supposed to be that way.
I want to know more, but I'm not going to push it. Family is just a sensitive issue in general. Lately, I don't know, I've been missin' my mom - a lot. Haven't told anyone, but I have been. And there are time that I feel kinda guilty for how we ended up. Sometimes I think I could have changed that.
Anyway, I'm glad I have Tara. I'm glad that I'm getting this family. I think I really need them.
Okay, the last few days have been way more than hectic. I don't even know where to start, but I suppose my birthday would be a good place. One of the more positive things that have happened.
Words cannot express how that was like the best birthday ever. The morning started out with smiles. It was one of those days where you just woke up happy, you know? I attempted to convince Xander to stay home but didn't suceed. After he went to work I went to the Summers' house and hung out with Angel until the evening.
This somehow led me to getting a new tattoo. Found a picture of it here ---> http://www.tattoofashion.com/acatalog/14a-chinese-symbol-love.gif
Everyone was pretty much waiting for us when we did get to B's house. Including Xander who apparently was starting to wear a hole in the floor.
It was really weird seeing this huge pile of gifts on the table (and them being for me.) I mean, Wes and Fred even got gifts. I don't even know them Fred all that well. Wes and I have our respectable history. Watcher and Slayer failing team and all. Fred's becoming a great friend though, and I think Wes and Xander are hanging out a lot too.
Gifts went this way:
Buffy decided to go Anne Rice happy and gave me both the book and the movie, "Interview with the Vampire." I personally find it amusing.
Dawn had already gone clothing shopping with me, but she promised another outfit and gave me this pretty framed picture of the two of us. *smiles*
Mike, the kid with groovy style, gave me a wicked cool Lava Lamp.
Fred and Wesley obviously went shopping together and single-handedly stocked our kitchen with plates, glasses, silverwear and a fresh copy of William Shakespeare's Complete Works.
Willow, probably tired of my search through her Mp3's, made a two disk set of music. One CD mellow and the other less mellow. It included songs like, "Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot and "Chinese Burn" by Curve.
Tara bought me this beautiful necklace; a white quartz cross pendant with two smaller rose quartz stones. It's to promote energy and calmness. Two things that I obviously lack.
Spike gave me my own bottle of black nail polish and a really awesome crossbow. Goodbye, Stakes. Hello, Flying Fatality.
Last, but really really not least... Xander's gift... Way more directed towards Noah, but still. He made Noah a baby crib. It's... beyond beautiful. I have no words.
Food at the birthday party was really yummy. Got my pizza with anchovies! And chocolate cake with chocolate frosting on it. Gotta say that I really enjoyed that frosting....
Dawn somehow didn't look to pleased with her's. *smirk*
I'd say how the night ended, but I'm sure everyone knows. ;)
The next day however I would completely wipe out of existance if I could. Can't say that I woke up happy at all. Neither did Xand. (Considering this whole feeling each other's emotions thing is rather perminant... I'm seeing the down sides of it. I love to be around him, I really do, but with the connection... Sometimes it's overwhelming. I'm near him always.) We pretty much fought all morning - Oh, yeah... that continued well into the evening too.
I went to see Fred for a while and we talked. I don't know... It wasn't as if she wasn't being truthful or anything, just that day was like all bad things coming up and I don't think anything could have helped. I've been wondering too if the spell barely did anything. Xand and I... we've been fighting before this. I guess it just magnified our fears... like it was supposed to. What does that mean? I mean... It didn't help us. Didn't make us stonger. Just incredibly paranoid.
I also talked to Dawn and Mike who both said the same thing... that we're pretty much spending too much time together. That we need air to breathe. I got more suggestions about going back to school. Don't know yet, maybe I will... maybe I won't. The idea at that point was Tai Chi. Anyway, I end up telling Xand, and it's like... complete lack of reaction. So, I start joking around with him... Maybe I'll take up photography, or... be an actress, or a clown. Oh, how about porn star. I'm kidding, right. Finally a reaction. And it's like - He believes me. I want to flash people on screen, Yeah right!
He says something about sharing me.
I think it's my fault because I commented back about not wanting to share him. And then he's completely oblivious as to who he's sharing me with. And it hurts, because... that's all he's ever been doing. Sharing. I think he's still holding onto her. No, no signing of the divorce papers. Too afraid that he's going to lose his son. I heard that Anya is having a boy. And all of this completely stings. I don't know why, but I've never felt so bad in my life next to some other rather life changing events. We have some of the suckiest track records of all time. Sometimes I think that he might find someone better than me. Or decide suddenly that he wants to try to make it work with Anya. I'm pretty positive that she'd take him back in a second. They're obviously still in love with each other.
Next thing I know I'm telling him something along the lines of, "People screw you over. It's just who does it first."
And he give this... laugh and mutters that there are just some moments that Anya and I are so alike that it's scary.
I slapped him.
I'm sorry, I really dislike being compared to exes. I have no one to compare him to. I'm my own person, you know? It burned, badly. There's really not a strong enough word for what I was feeling. I really have nothing against the chick, but he left her. It was like all that we were doing and had been doing was for nothing because in the end I was just going to end up screwed and alone.
I hit him. That part feeling massive guilt about. I mean... I like to think that I wouldn't hit my friends or boyfriend for that matter on a regular basis. Last person I hit was Angel, but he was Angelus at the time. So, thinking that doesn't count too much. Right now, Xander is completely ignoring the fact that I even did that. I kinda wonder if he's bothered and not saying anything. We sort of have a thing called history.
After hitting him - I don't really remember what happened. I passed out I'm sure, 'cause the next thing I know Dawnie's lingering over me doing the energy thing... askin' me what happened. And everything pretty much became too overwhelming to handle and I wanted to get away from it all as fast as I could. So the two of us snapped at each other and I left.
When Xand came home we talked avoidingly. I couldn't say all the things I wanted to say to him - 'bout how much what he said hurt. I tried to explain my actions but he wanted to forget everything about it. I'm trying to let it go, but I don't think I can. I think something bad might happen. I think that - there's something we're missing. I can't quite pinpoint it.
Today, also eventful.
Though not without its inevitable angst.
Karma had its way and - Oh, got in a fight with Anya and got slapped. Man, she has nails. Ow.
Making today's long story short, but way sweeter than it's been. Found out that Tara is my half sister. Which, figuring who my blood family is, makes things better somehow. I don't know why I feel so relieved. It's just nice, having someone out there, related to you and - Don't know. But it's important that she is.
Gotta say that it was kinda weird talking to Tara about our family. She doesn't seem like she wants to and I don't really blame her. Family can screw you over for your whole life and no one seems to notice because it's not supposed to be that way.
I want to know more, but I'm not going to push it. Family is just a sensitive issue in general. Lately, I don't know, I've been missin' my mom - a lot. Haven't told anyone, but I have been. And there are time that I feel kinda guilty for how we ended up. Sometimes I think I could have changed that.
Anyway, I'm glad I have Tara. I'm glad that I'm getting this family. I think I really need them.