Finally 21.
Happy Birthday to me.
Okay, the last few days have been way more than hectic. I don't even know where to start, but I suppose my birthday would be a good place. One of the more positive things that have happened.
( My birthday )
Okay, the last few days have been way more than hectic. I don't even know where to start, but I suppose my birthday would be a good place. One of the more positive things that have happened.
( My birthday )
And he probably knows that...but at least right now? Not feeling so completely powerless. And I'm sure feeling powerless is not a concept Xander really wants more experience with.
Not entirely true...'cause technically, if we aren't in control of our feelings, who is? He loves you, Faith. Stop, and deal with that for just a second. He could have chosen to stay with Anya, stop seeing you, and act like nothing had ever happen between you two. Instead? Completely agonizes over what to do, because he doesn't want to hurt you anymore than he does her...fights with Willow constantly, hits Mike when he wants Xander to be honest with her, and when all is said and done, he chose you, Noah, and your perfect little suburban house over his marriage with Anya. If that doesn't say absolute love and devotion, I really don't know what does.
I get that, okay? I do. And sure, it would sting, a lot. It always does every time I convince myself he's comparing us...but I was friends with Cassie too. Eventually calm down, take a look at my life, and realise Mike completely adores me. Stupid comments made without thinking happen inevidably. I guess it's all in how we deal with them.
True...but continuing to fight about them when you're both so upset you can't think, not going to help either. Xander may actually surprise you. Maybe he just wanted time to destress for a day or so *shrugs*
I didn't want to upset you, Faith...but we kinda always tell each other exactly what the situation is. Especially when one of us is too clouded by something to really see.
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I get that. I completely get powerless. I get that Xander doesn't want to feel that and neither do I... and neither does anyone else that I know. Sometimes, we just can't help that.
I've never doubted that Xander loves me. I mean, maybe at first when things were way different than what they are now, but I haven't. I mean... I can feel it. And sometimes... I think that scares me. It's so much easier to have people completely not be in love with you and care for you - because even a possibility of you loving them back? Terrifying. It means you can hurt them. It means that they can hurt you. Love is a responsibility. You hold out your heart to the other person and pray that they don't smash it. Dawn, you're asking me to deal with these feelings when they're so much more out of control and so hard to grasp. I mean, if Xander really had the choice... really, would he have fallen for me? Would he not be with Anya right now. I've never asked him to stop loving her... I know that's impossible. But, I know that his love for her has changed. You say that we control our emotions. Would Connor be head over heels for you? Would Buffy and Angel still be in love and able to hurt each other? - If we controlled these feelings I could've made it so... I don't know. Xander could be happy with his wife. She made him happy... Sometimes I wonder what would happen had I not said anything.
Things? They're... I can't have promises that I'm never going to be hurt. In fact, I know that someday I will. I know that I have been in the past, and more than anything I can't stand that feeling. My mother - through everything... no matter what she did to me. If she hit me or told me that I was going to end stupid or dead... or something. I still loved her. I couldn't ever change that. - And I wanted so much to hate her for doing what she did. She told me that I'd end up alone, because she did in the end. She ended up so alone that she killed herself, because anything was better than that.
My watcher. My first one I mean... I didn't trust her at first. I mean. Why bother trusting and falling and adoring anyone if they're just going to leave you? And you know what? I did anyway. I don't think that I could have helped it at all.
When I came to Sunny D. The first time, I started making friends. I saw your sister and she was surrounded and so - warm... And she wasn't alone and she cared and she could make things work. She could love and move past the hurt. God, I wanted to be so much like her. I wanted so badly to have the house and the friends and the mom and the watcher. I wanted you as my kid sister.
Things really... They don't turn out the way we hope. I don't understand how to change what I feel... how to go on... because, what I feel now? I've never been so scared in my life. I have these things. I have the best best friend that I could ever ask for... I have a sister. I mean, maybe I don't have a watcher, but I don't need one now. I have this house... that's mine. I have the guy, who I couldn't possibly feel more for because I think my heart's gonna burst out of my chest. I have this family. - that he wants, that I want. I even have a puppy which is pure icing on the cake. Throughout all of this? There's a part of me that wonders when it's going to end. I don't want this to ever end.
You think we rule emotions? Emotions rule us.
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Difference is? Everyone here...has some sort of extra ability in one way or another that they have. Slayers, Vampires, Witches, a Seer, a Mystical Glowy Key thing...then there's Xander. Even Mike had powers, and Charlie does...you don't think that's already making him feel a little on the side of powerless? He just wants to have a place in his other son's life...but he knows that with the way things are with Anya, the odds of that are extremely low...so he's probably feeling like everything's out of his hands even more than usual. I can't see that being a good feeling.
Knowing how miserable and unhappy I was before Mike, I think personally, I'd rather have someone around that I know loves me that completely. It doesn't really scare me. Just the oppisite, actually. I feel safe. The ability to hurt each other is always there...in any relationship. The thing that makes that fear shut up a little? Trust. You have to be able to trust the people you care about, or yeah, I could definitely see how there'd be nothing scarier in the whole world than caring about or loving someone.
Did you consider for a second maybe he fell in love with you in the first place before he and Anya got together, and maybe he was moving on because you weren't here and there was no chance? It's a slim possibility.
I said we control our emotions, meaning ours. Just our personal ones...not the ones that belong to other people in our lives. I can't control anything about Connor. Nobody can. He knows were I stand...the rest...how he deals with it...that's up to him. Just like how Anya decides to deal with things is entirely up to her. Buffy and Angel...they had this huge Romeo and Juliet thing going on that tore them up inside even when they were together. Aside from that, first loves tend to have a lasting impact on our lives. At least they've gotten to the point that they can be around each other again, and be okay with not being together. They couldn't have claimed that even 3 years ago.
As far as Anya making Xander happy...what does that have to do with anything at this point, he's happy with you, isn't he? He chose exactly what he wanted. Life's pretty much all about choices. Tara forgiving Willow for everything that happened when she lost control, Buffy making things work with Spike, me forgiving Mike for getting scared and taking off. All about choices.
You sound like you're just sitting here waiting for Xander to do something to hurt you...which is pretty much what he's afraid of doing anyway, isn't it? What would it hurt to just trust that things were going to work out? That you've got that happy ending everyone dreams of?
You aren't your mom, Faith...the situations are are totally different. You're not alone. You have a family. You have friends. A man who loves you more than anything, a baby on the way...a sister, a baby neice. You're not alone. And I would never believe for a single little second that you would ever kill yourself. Especially after how you reacted when I was talking like that.
Faith...look at your life for a second...you've pretty much got it all. Minus the mom...but we're pretty much all lacking that at this point. 'Cept for Liberty and Charlie. Believe it or not...you got what you wanted.
Can I just ask...what is sitting there, expecting impending doom doing? Other than completely stressing you out. Planning and worrying about the future is one thing...but if there's anything I've learned from the past few years...from Mom, Buffy, and Tara...is that it's a lot better to live for now. Be happy now...because you never really know how much time we have to just...waste it.
Only if we let them, Faith. I'm not saying we can control them completely...but they only take over our lives if we let them. Just like everything else.
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Yeah, I get that. I really do. Seriously… Power isn’t something that - he can’t control what Anya is going to choose, in fact, I’m sure he knows, along with everyone else, that Anya isn’t going to let him anywhere near his son. He has the power to change that, but it’s not through opportunities that he wants to take. I get that. I get that the feeling sucks because I can feel what he does. I don’t know what’s better anymore, having power or lacking it. I’ve been on both sides and neither is good. Don’t get how your sister manages to find a balance.
I trust him, with a lot of things. I don’t know Saturday scared me so much. There aren’t so many other times in my life that I can compare that weren’t so frightening to me. As much as I don’t like it, people do screw each other over. Intentionally and not intentionally.
We were teens, Dawn! Seriously. We slept together once and… I pretty much kicked him out in his boxers. And yeah, It meant something. And then when things went really wrong he came and tried to help, and he said things like he completely knew me. I was scared because there was this guy who didn’t just think of me as sex on legs… and he could say things and make me completely powerless - I can’t love the girl that I was. How can anyone else?
I’m talking about the emotions we can’t control. Reactive ones. There are certain ways that people react to things. The instant feelings. I mean, taking what you’re saying - us controlling our emotions. You can’t control anything about Connor, but he effects you. Do you want him to effect you? Anya cared about Xander and now she’s rightfully hurt. I mean, she wouldn’t choose to be hurt if she had the choice. Buffy and Angel have mostly moved past theirs, but that’s not new.
I don’t know if I make him happier in the long run - that’s what I meant. I get that he chose me, and I love him… god, so much… I don’t know what I offer sometimes. A blazing fire that heats and makes ashes until it burns out or a candle that steadily burns and keep light. He chose the fire.
What happens when you trust that things are going to work out and then they don’t. All they give you is broken dreams.
I get that I’m not my mom. Thankful for that actually. It’s almost funny how much more cynical and bitter she was compared to me, if you can imagine that. I’ve wanted to die, in the past… but that was different, things were different. It’s what I thought I deserved. But I wouldn’t do it, I couldn’t. Alone doesn’t have to be literal. You can be alone even when people love you.
It’s not like I’m not thankful for what I have, really. I get that there’s always impending doom. - I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I’m doing things that I think are worth my time but I worry about others. Sometimes it’s easier in the end not to hurt.
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