Fanfiction #05 - I Have Sinned
Title: I Have Sinned
Rating/warnings: PG, implied drug use, coarse language
Genre: angst
Characters: Charlie, Claire, Aaron, Sayid
Spoilers: set immediately post-Exodus
Summary: What if Charlie succumbed to the temptation of Mary?
Original Post Date: 19/08/2005
fanfiction.net Post: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2917610/1/
Disclaimer: Again - none of this belongs to me.
Author's Note: recntly used to fill the prompt of "fixation" on 50_darkfics
~*~
As the night had faded, Claire had become slowly more and more restless. After the miraculous return of Aaron she hadn’t put him down but after several hours she had begun to pace backwards and forwards anxiously.
Charlie watched her silently as she became increasingly agitated, his hands twitched with nervous energy and his mind fell on the statue in his bag. He knew it wouldn’t take much more of this before he made a lunge for the bag, desperate for a fix to calm his frazzled nerves.
His eyes strayed immediately towards his bag and he stared at it hungrily. He’d always been good at it when he set his mind to it - staring. But he hadn’t ever stared quite this much before. Mary stared back cynically.
Claire continued to pace, unnecessarily shushing her son. Charlie personally thought this was more for her benefit than Aaron’s but didn’t say so out loud. His head was pounding behind the gash on his forehead and his hand was twitching worse than ever now and Claire was beginning to sing nursery rhymes now, in a soft, frantic voice…
‘Would you calm down?’ Charlie burst out, suddenly angry.
Claire looked up, startled, and her voice stumbled to a halt.
Charlie scowled heavily but stopped when he saw the expression on her face. ‘Sorry,’ he amended. ‘I’m just really wound up still is all - not that that’s an excuse because you’re probably more tense than I am - but anyway, I’m sorry.’ There was a long pause as Claire shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot before coming to sit stiffly beside him.
Charlie reached a hand out to touch her awkwardly on the shoulder but she flinched at his touch and he withdrew before she could see it trembling.
They sat together for a tense moment before Claire gave a small cough.
‘Um, would you like some tea?’
‘Sorry?’ Charlie asked, wondering if he’d misheard her.
‘I asked if you’d like some tea,’ Claire repeated patiently. ‘Do you or not?’
‘I’d…well I’d love some,’ Charlie began. ‘But…’
‘I’ll see what I can do,’ Claire stood and walked away without a word.
Charlie sighed and looked down at his hands for a moment. The left one seemed fine but the right one was shaking and twitching like it was having an epileptic fit. His attention turned back to his bag, within arms reach.
Just reach out Charlie, just reach out and pick it up and…
‘Oh sod it,’ he said angrily and knocked his bag to the side. The gash on his forehead still burned and he put tentative fingertips against it to survey the damage. He winced heavily as his fingertips brushed the tender skin and tried to find something else to distract himself with.
And his eyes fell on his bag.
Again.
He looked down suddenly; horrified at his right hand, which had been surreptitiously snaking its way towards the bag without his knowing, trembling worse than ever.
He snatched it to himself, holding it desperately in his other hand, trying to stop it from shaking.
Why the stuffing hell did I even take it in the first place?
He knew exactly what Locke would say if he was here. ‘The island is testing your strength Charlie. It’s testing you.’
Seemed to Charlie more like it was busily being bloody ironic.
Virgin Mary statuettes filled with heroin practically being thrown at a religious, ex drug addict’s feet?
Take me! Take me!
Ha bloody ha Charlie thought sourly as he tried to get his hand under control.
‘Charlie?’
Shit fantastic wonderful bollocks.
Charlie tried for a smile, ending up instead with a sort of lopsided grimace, which faded when Sayid sat down opposite him. I didn’t invite you to sit down mate…
‘How is your head?’ Sayid scrutinised him, reaching out to carefully examine the damage. Charlie recoiled at his touch and felt his lip curl into a snarl.
‘It’s fine Sayid.’
‘Do you have a headache at all?’
‘I got smacked in the head with a bunch of rocks,’ Charlie said peevishly. ‘What do you think?’
A thin smile curved across Sayid’s lips and Charlie half hoped he would say something like ‘well that’s what happens when you run into obvious traps’ so he could start an argument with him. ‘Would you like some aspirin?’ Sayid asked instead, his voice mild.
‘Will you leave me alone if I take some?’ was Charlie’s irritable answer.
Sayid’s face split into an impish grin as he held out his hand. Sitting on his palm were two friendly little aspirin tablets. Charlie reached out the hand that wasn’t shaking, took them, and downed them.
‘Cheers,’ he said grimly.
‘If you run into any trouble with that,’ Sayid motioned at his forehead as he pushed himself to his feet. ‘I’ll be nearby.’
‘Thanks,’ Charlie tried not to sound too grateful.
Sayid peered at him. ‘Are you certain you’re alright?’ Charlie nodded silently, and waited for Sayid to leave. ‘Oh. Because your hand is shaking.’ Charlie went very still and Sayid continued delicately. ‘Rather badly I might add.’
Charlie’s voice quickly took over from his brain. ‘Nervous tic.’ he said smoothly. ‘I’m still pretty wound up. I think I might have a rest.’
That being your cue to leave…
Sayid paused a moment too long. ‘Good idea.’
He was gone in an instant, almost invisible in the growing darkness of the caves.
Thank fuck.
Charlie watched interestedly as his hand, trembling with a life of its own, reached over to his bag and rummaged through the shards of ceramic until it found one of the small bags of heroin. His eyes automatically scanned his surroundings. Seeing nobody, his hands continued to act of their own accord, opening the packet and then doling out the precious powder on his palm.
One fix wouldn’t hurt he reasoned. Just to calm him down and then he’d never have any ever again. Tomorrow he would take all the heroin he’d filched from the plane and dispose of it.
He leant his face over his palm, his whole body tensing with anticipation…
He didn’t even notice Claire appear, Aaron still held tightly in her arms.
‘Charlie?’
But it was too late now. She was too late.
He’d made his choice.
‘Bless me,’ Charlie whispered. ‘For I have sinned.’
He inhaled sharply…