Welcome to the summer of depravity
This is me being fucked up. In part because I'm not being FUCKED. ;) And yes, all the nice words for that act go out the window after countless numbers of beers, a tiny bit of hard liquour, and "The Day After Tomorrow."
Took Lisa to the airport yesterday at the asscrack of dawn. She's in New Mexico now. I'm here. Alone. Last time this shit happened, I had the Greenmen... and I still messed up bad time. Now I'm starting to realize that I simply haven't put enough firepower into my friendship building skillz to have friends here who I can turn to and say, "I'm coming over. Now."
I miss that. And I miss HER. And "sometimes misery has a strange allure." It even rhymes, biatches. ;)
Thing about it is, I don't WANT to be dependent and all that shit. Loving her gives me strength, when she's here. But when she's not... it's like it turns on me. Makes me weak. And all I can think to do is tire myself out (read: bike ride AND 2 hours of garden work today) and drink (read: lots and lots of beer). But I'm still awake, still thinking. Gotta try harder.
Not that these days have been bad. Farmers' market yesterday, and going to the garden a lot, and reading for fun (a quite enjoyable, SEXY fantasy novel called "The Compass Rose"), and chilling with the cats and watching movies... none of this is bad. The drinking too much isn't so red hot, but whatever. Point is, this weekend hasn't been "bad" in its content. It's just this feeling. That something is wrong. It's the feeling that makes me want to stay up all night listening to "Teotihuacan" on repeat, drinking and staring out of my black windows. It's the feeling that makes me want to go OUT, only I've never been good at going out on my own and making anything of a night like that.
I think I'm just badass enough to understand that I'm not badass at all.
Anyway. "The Day After Tomorrow" wasn't nearly as bad as I was led to believe. That's something. And speaking of films... the Narnia trailer, which ran before SW III on Wednesday night, made me hyperventilate and CRY. I'm not kidding. It's fucking epic. Go check it out.
Took Lisa to the airport yesterday at the asscrack of dawn. She's in New Mexico now. I'm here. Alone. Last time this shit happened, I had the Greenmen... and I still messed up bad time. Now I'm starting to realize that I simply haven't put enough firepower into my friendship building skillz to have friends here who I can turn to and say, "I'm coming over. Now."
I miss that. And I miss HER. And "sometimes misery has a strange allure." It even rhymes, biatches. ;)
Thing about it is, I don't WANT to be dependent and all that shit. Loving her gives me strength, when she's here. But when she's not... it's like it turns on me. Makes me weak. And all I can think to do is tire myself out (read: bike ride AND 2 hours of garden work today) and drink (read: lots and lots of beer). But I'm still awake, still thinking. Gotta try harder.
Not that these days have been bad. Farmers' market yesterday, and going to the garden a lot, and reading for fun (a quite enjoyable, SEXY fantasy novel called "The Compass Rose"), and chilling with the cats and watching movies... none of this is bad. The drinking too much isn't so red hot, but whatever. Point is, this weekend hasn't been "bad" in its content. It's just this feeling. That something is wrong. It's the feeling that makes me want to stay up all night listening to "Teotihuacan" on repeat, drinking and staring out of my black windows. It's the feeling that makes me want to go OUT, only I've never been good at going out on my own and making anything of a night like that.
I think I'm just badass enough to understand that I'm not badass at all.
Anyway. "The Day After Tomorrow" wasn't nearly as bad as I was led to believe. That's something. And speaking of films... the Narnia trailer, which ran before SW III on Wednesday night, made me hyperventilate and CRY. I'm not kidding. It's fucking epic. Go check it out.