Slayerville: Dead People
Am I the only one around here that thinks it's a little weird that nobody seems to stay dead anymore?
I mean, it's cool that these folks are gettin' second chances, I know all about that gig, but come on now! Something's not right here. People don't just come back from the dead, not unless something big's about to go down. I don't know what's up, but I got a feeling that whatever it is? Can't be good. I don't know about you guys, but I'm just itching for an apocalypse to come our way. Been a while since I got my slay on. Sure, I come across the occasional vamp, but the vamps out here are seriously lacking on the tough. These guys are dust in like, two seconds. I need something more, you know? Something that actually makes me work up a sweat. That's what being a slayer's all about, right? Taking down the big bads, saving the world, and risking our lives in the process. It's been way too easy lately. Give me a fucking challenge already! Come on, big bads! Show me what you got! I'm up all night and I could use a good rumble.
Anyway, I hear Spike never really went off to the great beyond after all. Ended up coming back to fight the good fight in LA. Man, I wonder how B's coping with that. Girl was wicked depressed back in Rome, always pouting about her brand new undead boytoy being nothing but dust in the Sunnydale crater. Guess the Billy Idol wannabe and pipsqueak were tight too, 'cause the kid was crying right alongside Buffy. Being around those two was a total downer for a while there, but then one day they bucked up, saw the Italian boys, and tossed all thoughts of Spike aside.
Thing that gets me, though, is why didn't he just pick up a phone, call up the buff, and fill her on on the whole resurrection sitch? I mean, you'd think that with a big love like that, Buffy would be the *first* person on his list of folks to hit up. Instead? He stuck it out with Angel and his gang. Kind of makes me wonder if something was going on between those two... Angel always could dress. And the hair gel? Way too overdone for him to be completely straight. Spike ain't much better. Boy might be all about the punk rock, but he still works that whole pretty boy thing more often than not. Guy's got the nail polish and everything. I wouldn't put it past those two to be gettin' down with the kinky vampire loving.
Speaking of the big guy, I hear he's back too. When I find him? You can bet we're having words. Does being the big time corporate dude suddenly mean he can't write? I know I sent him a postcard or two, just to check in and let him know I was doing alright. Boy's supposed to be my buddy, you know? So what's with the sudden too good to talk to me anymore thing? I get that heading off an evil law firm's a full time job, but damn. I was better off in the slam. At least then I could count on a visit every now and then. Guess you gotta be behind bars for the big guy to find the time to drop a girl a line. Or maybe vampires are just too stupid to use a phone. Seems to be the theme around here for those lacking a pulse. Gotta get hip to the times, boys. We're not living in the 18th century anymore. There's a whole wide world of cool gadgets out there. I mean, even I splurged on one of those picture phone things. Man, that thing is the kick! I get all sorts of good snaps with that baby. Like B drooling in her sleep on the flight over. Don't even try to deny it either, girlfriend. I got the picture proof right here.
And now I hear Spike's sporting a brand new pulse? Damn. Bet Soul Boy's really throwing a fit over that one. Poor guy. All this time, he thought that prophecy was for him, and now it goes to his grandkid instead. Tough break, man. Must really put a damper on wanting to stay on the straight and narrow when you find out it's all bogus because the other vampire with a soul got the big snazzy prize instead. What a bummer. Man, if I were Angel, I'd be kicking Spike's ass right about now. I mean, the guy spends the last fifty or so years of his life tryin' to be good, reining in those neck biting tendencies and gorging himself on rats instead, and what happens? The boy totally loses out to a dude that got a soul just to please a girl. What kind of shit is that? Seriously! Don't get me wrong, I dig Spike as much as the next chick, but when it comes down to who's deserving and who isn't, it's kind of a no brainer. Soul Boy should've got it.
Then we got the blonde chick that Red used to run with back in the day showing up again. Ended up walking in on the two of them the other day, right when they were about to get bouncy. You should've seen the look on their faces when I came busting in there looking for B! Classic. Totally fuckin' classic. I was all over watching them go at it, but they were big on the shy, so all I got out of it were blushes and stutters. Damn. I could've used a good show too.
Cor's back too from what B talks. Last time I saw her, she was looking *real* big and shacking up with Angel's boy. Prom Queen got all uppity with me just 'cause Connor had a little crush on me. Does anybody else find the whole Cordy and Connor thing creepy? I mean, the chick changed his diapers! Wes told me all about that on the car ride over. Heard Fang wasn't exactly crazy about their freaky union either. Man, what I wouldn't give to see his face when he found out. I just don't get how she can go from wiping his ass one day to groping it the next. I might not be the most discriminating chick on the block, but even I got some standards. That's just low, man. Real low. Fuck the son 'cause the father can't get any. No wonder Angel went a little crazy in the end there. A guy can only take so much before he loses it, you know? You got my sympathy, Soul Boy.
Anyway, I gotta bounce. Got girls to train and vamps to slay. If a certain vampire with a soul wants to find me, he knows where I'm at.
I mean, it's cool that these folks are gettin' second chances, I know all about that gig, but come on now! Something's not right here. People don't just come back from the dead, not unless something big's about to go down. I don't know what's up, but I got a feeling that whatever it is? Can't be good. I don't know about you guys, but I'm just itching for an apocalypse to come our way. Been a while since I got my slay on. Sure, I come across the occasional vamp, but the vamps out here are seriously lacking on the tough. These guys are dust in like, two seconds. I need something more, you know? Something that actually makes me work up a sweat. That's what being a slayer's all about, right? Taking down the big bads, saving the world, and risking our lives in the process. It's been way too easy lately. Give me a fucking challenge already! Come on, big bads! Show me what you got! I'm up all night and I could use a good rumble.
Anyway, I hear Spike never really went off to the great beyond after all. Ended up coming back to fight the good fight in LA. Man, I wonder how B's coping with that. Girl was wicked depressed back in Rome, always pouting about her brand new undead boytoy being nothing but dust in the Sunnydale crater. Guess the Billy Idol wannabe and pipsqueak were tight too, 'cause the kid was crying right alongside Buffy. Being around those two was a total downer for a while there, but then one day they bucked up, saw the Italian boys, and tossed all thoughts of Spike aside.
Thing that gets me, though, is why didn't he just pick up a phone, call up the buff, and fill her on on the whole resurrection sitch? I mean, you'd think that with a big love like that, Buffy would be the *first* person on his list of folks to hit up. Instead? He stuck it out with Angel and his gang. Kind of makes me wonder if something was going on between those two... Angel always could dress. And the hair gel? Way too overdone for him to be completely straight. Spike ain't much better. Boy might be all about the punk rock, but he still works that whole pretty boy thing more often than not. Guy's got the nail polish and everything. I wouldn't put it past those two to be gettin' down with the kinky vampire loving.
Speaking of the big guy, I hear he's back too. When I find him? You can bet we're having words. Does being the big time corporate dude suddenly mean he can't write? I know I sent him a postcard or two, just to check in and let him know I was doing alright. Boy's supposed to be my buddy, you know? So what's with the sudden too good to talk to me anymore thing? I get that heading off an evil law firm's a full time job, but damn. I was better off in the slam. At least then I could count on a visit every now and then. Guess you gotta be behind bars for the big guy to find the time to drop a girl a line. Or maybe vampires are just too stupid to use a phone. Seems to be the theme around here for those lacking a pulse. Gotta get hip to the times, boys. We're not living in the 18th century anymore. There's a whole wide world of cool gadgets out there. I mean, even I splurged on one of those picture phone things. Man, that thing is the kick! I get all sorts of good snaps with that baby. Like B drooling in her sleep on the flight over. Don't even try to deny it either, girlfriend. I got the picture proof right here.
And now I hear Spike's sporting a brand new pulse? Damn. Bet Soul Boy's really throwing a fit over that one. Poor guy. All this time, he thought that prophecy was for him, and now it goes to his grandkid instead. Tough break, man. Must really put a damper on wanting to stay on the straight and narrow when you find out it's all bogus because the other vampire with a soul got the big snazzy prize instead. What a bummer. Man, if I were Angel, I'd be kicking Spike's ass right about now. I mean, the guy spends the last fifty or so years of his life tryin' to be good, reining in those neck biting tendencies and gorging himself on rats instead, and what happens? The boy totally loses out to a dude that got a soul just to please a girl. What kind of shit is that? Seriously! Don't get me wrong, I dig Spike as much as the next chick, but when it comes down to who's deserving and who isn't, it's kind of a no brainer. Soul Boy should've got it.
Then we got the blonde chick that Red used to run with back in the day showing up again. Ended up walking in on the two of them the other day, right when they were about to get bouncy. You should've seen the look on their faces when I came busting in there looking for B! Classic. Totally fuckin' classic. I was all over watching them go at it, but they were big on the shy, so all I got out of it were blushes and stutters. Damn. I could've used a good show too.
Cor's back too from what B talks. Last time I saw her, she was looking *real* big and shacking up with Angel's boy. Prom Queen got all uppity with me just 'cause Connor had a little crush on me. Does anybody else find the whole Cordy and Connor thing creepy? I mean, the chick changed his diapers! Wes told me all about that on the car ride over. Heard Fang wasn't exactly crazy about their freaky union either. Man, what I wouldn't give to see his face when he found out. I just don't get how she can go from wiping his ass one day to groping it the next. I might not be the most discriminating chick on the block, but even I got some standards. That's just low, man. Real low. Fuck the son 'cause the father can't get any. No wonder Angel went a little crazy in the end there. A guy can only take so much before he loses it, you know? You got my sympathy, Soul Boy.
Anyway, I gotta bounce. Got girls to train and vamps to slay. If a certain vampire with a soul wants to find me, he knows where I'm at.