(no subject)
so that saying (God works in mysterious ways) is really true.
instead of Him giving me the strength and wisdom i have been praying for, He gave it to Marc. after it's all said and done, i'm grateful that it turned out like it did. for him and for me. timing is everything. although i'm glad no one got hurt too badly, this makes me very very uneasy. is this what my love life is going to be like? granted it's only been 2 and a half months, but what if i don't ever "get over" kiy? am i going to meet more wonderful guys, but not be able to give them what they deserve because i'm still reserving my heart for him? i think i would be a martyr to prepare myself for a life of that. but it's so hard to keep faith and hope that i will will find someone as good as or better than him.
and another thing... i don't want to grow up just yet... but i'm kinda tired of the "kid" thing. i HATE responsibility, but i wish i knew what i wanted from this life. i wish i could understand myself enough to know how to deal with the touchy situations where i land myself. i think i have to teach myself how to take the right path instead of always taking the one with the least hurt. or the easy one. it's like i romance myself into seeking out a fairytale instead of friendship and love.
and now this life seems like it takes too much effort. how can i become less lazy on the path of life? i don't really think i thrive unless i'm with someone else... and i'm not proud of that. it's like my best doesn't show unless i have someone that i can pour myself into. *thinks* i know that's a good thing sometimes, but not all the time. sigh...
so, technically, today would be the second break up for me in 2 months. i need to slow stuff down... *deep breath* i need to put other ppl first, but not nessecarily a boyfriend. oiy.
something weird... i feel comfortable missing kiy, now. it's like i felt guilty b4. and i was trying so hard to get rid of those feelings...maybe they'll dissapate on their own, now. and yet, i can't add "hopefully" onto that last thought. because that missing along with all my happy memories are all i have left from that blessed time in my life. and i don't want to give them up just yet...
so basically, i'm still confused, still in a fog and still an emotional wreck. blech.
but carl comes this weekend, so that's a lighter note. yay for swing dancing:)
instead of Him giving me the strength and wisdom i have been praying for, He gave it to Marc. after it's all said and done, i'm grateful that it turned out like it did. for him and for me. timing is everything. although i'm glad no one got hurt too badly, this makes me very very uneasy. is this what my love life is going to be like? granted it's only been 2 and a half months, but what if i don't ever "get over" kiy? am i going to meet more wonderful guys, but not be able to give them what they deserve because i'm still reserving my heart for him? i think i would be a martyr to prepare myself for a life of that. but it's so hard to keep faith and hope that i will will find someone as good as or better than him.
and another thing... i don't want to grow up just yet... but i'm kinda tired of the "kid" thing. i HATE responsibility, but i wish i knew what i wanted from this life. i wish i could understand myself enough to know how to deal with the touchy situations where i land myself. i think i have to teach myself how to take the right path instead of always taking the one with the least hurt. or the easy one. it's like i romance myself into seeking out a fairytale instead of friendship and love.
and now this life seems like it takes too much effort. how can i become less lazy on the path of life? i don't really think i thrive unless i'm with someone else... and i'm not proud of that. it's like my best doesn't show unless i have someone that i can pour myself into. *thinks* i know that's a good thing sometimes, but not all the time. sigh...
so, technically, today would be the second break up for me in 2 months. i need to slow stuff down... *deep breath* i need to put other ppl first, but not nessecarily a boyfriend. oiy.
something weird... i feel comfortable missing kiy, now. it's like i felt guilty b4. and i was trying so hard to get rid of those feelings...maybe they'll dissapate on their own, now. and yet, i can't add "hopefully" onto that last thought. because that missing along with all my happy memories are all i have left from that blessed time in my life. and i don't want to give them up just yet...
so basically, i'm still confused, still in a fog and still an emotional wreck. blech.
but carl comes this weekend, so that's a lighter note. yay for swing dancing:)