(no subject)
so there's been a lot of thinking on my part lately... marc asked me what i wanted last night. and i really had to think about it. and after i thought for a while, i had a whole big list. and that made me think... i really need to get my ase in gear if i want to get them all. some of them were easy, like i want to make money this summer and get an education in something that i really love. but some were really hard. like finding someone that i can pour my whole self into. and have them mystify me, amaze me, intrigue me, sweep-me-off-my-feet-just-by-walking-in-the-room. i don't care if that's not practical. because i've already experienced that, so i know it's possible.
i had a long talk with Carl yesterday, and it was a lifesaver. i <3 that kid:) i've been feeling extremely restless and ADHD lately, and it was taking a toll on my spirit. i've been even more anxious to get out of this country, too. i want to taste the world. it's like i have this incredible thirst for anything and everything (well, most things) that i've never experienced. so anyway, Carl helped me realize why i was feeling like this and he gave me some advice on how to fix it. and i took it. and i suck at life. or jsut talking...i swear, everytime i try to really get feelings out by talking, it's a disaster. something always comes out that i NEVER meant to say...sometimes i'm not even thinking it...it's just word puke that can't be stopped. RAR! i think if it's not an intricate issue that requires explaining, i'm going to either use the written word or TRY to express it in artwork. i got my pastels out the other day and had a hey-day with them:) and i think i'm going to ask marc to help me learn to draw. and go down to my gma's so she can teach me more about painting.
so last night was really upsetting, yet strangely liberating. it felt wonderful to admit some things, even if i wasn't proud of them. i realize that i have a problem with trusting my heart's decisions cause i don't have faith in them. in the past, my heart made choices and turned a blind eye to reality. so, i'm afraid that i'll do the same thing when i'm confronted with a "perfect" thing. "because i can't trust my own heart, i will never be satisfied with it's decisions." how sucky is that?!! so now that i've learned it, accepted it, and admitted this, i can work to remedy it. and maybe someday, fix it. :)
i was frantically searching for a way to show marc how i felt cause i was sucking it up with words, and i found this. i like it. and i hate it. but it's so true and honest. i wish i could scan it so you could see how i wrote it...there's a lot of changes in handwriting, blurry smudges on the page, furious and feathery touches of the pen, beautiful cursive and hard cold denillian.
Rage of the Guarded Grey Soul
I feel like ripping out my hair
his hair
i wish he'd cheated on me
sometimes
then it would be explained
anger surges
boiling over
at nothing
grasping at nothing
no one to blame
screaming for no reason
selfishness, but human
no reason
then why the hardened brow
ignored
tossed aside
blazing eyes
clenched fists
at nothing
why should i care?
gritted teeth at my own
carelessness
not justified
blinding love
hating it
and him
for nothing
i can't blame him
frustrating
infuriating
losing patience
tears turned to ice
scarring my cheeks
real and still...
nothing
nothing at all
if i could get it out in music
deafening, furious, violent
fighting myself
and his memory
can't just let it go
don't care why
or for explainations
SCREAM
run for miles
until i expire
over nothing
interpreted lack of feeling
mocks my over-caring self
trembling lip and drowning eyes
signs of weakness
wish i could crush them
and move on
i don't want to hold on
why can't i let go?
what's so important?
LET ME GO!
LET HIM GO!
(damn me and my heart)
this was written about a month ago... i can honestly say that i don't feel this way anymore although sometimes it's easier to be mad than to understand and grow.
carl, i can't wait to see you if u can come next weekend!!!!!
everyone, i'm going to try to get a get-together of the awesome central ppl at my house soon. we could have a bonfire and chill cause i miss you all:) sometime in early august. tell me about your schedules!!
i hope everyone's still alive from Canada! :) tell me about it!
i just discovered the International Music Feed (IMF) (satellite). and i have to say that i'm completely obcessed with it. i <3 music so hard!
ok, now i'm gonna go hang with the kewlest cat in the west...my daddy:) laters!
love,
Tigress
ps - i have to live up to that name;)
i had a long talk with Carl yesterday, and it was a lifesaver. i <3 that kid:) i've been feeling extremely restless and ADHD lately, and it was taking a toll on my spirit. i've been even more anxious to get out of this country, too. i want to taste the world. it's like i have this incredible thirst for anything and everything (well, most things) that i've never experienced. so anyway, Carl helped me realize why i was feeling like this and he gave me some advice on how to fix it. and i took it. and i suck at life. or jsut talking...i swear, everytime i try to really get feelings out by talking, it's a disaster. something always comes out that i NEVER meant to say...sometimes i'm not even thinking it...it's just word puke that can't be stopped. RAR! i think if it's not an intricate issue that requires explaining, i'm going to either use the written word or TRY to express it in artwork. i got my pastels out the other day and had a hey-day with them:) and i think i'm going to ask marc to help me learn to draw. and go down to my gma's so she can teach me more about painting.
so last night was really upsetting, yet strangely liberating. it felt wonderful to admit some things, even if i wasn't proud of them. i realize that i have a problem with trusting my heart's decisions cause i don't have faith in them. in the past, my heart made choices and turned a blind eye to reality. so, i'm afraid that i'll do the same thing when i'm confronted with a "perfect" thing. "because i can't trust my own heart, i will never be satisfied with it's decisions." how sucky is that?!! so now that i've learned it, accepted it, and admitted this, i can work to remedy it. and maybe someday, fix it. :)
i was frantically searching for a way to show marc how i felt cause i was sucking it up with words, and i found this. i like it. and i hate it. but it's so true and honest. i wish i could scan it so you could see how i wrote it...there's a lot of changes in handwriting, blurry smudges on the page, furious and feathery touches of the pen, beautiful cursive and hard cold denillian.
Rage of the Guarded Grey Soul
I feel like ripping out my hair
his hair
i wish he'd cheated on me
sometimes
then it would be explained
anger surges
boiling over
at nothing
grasping at nothing
no one to blame
screaming for no reason
selfishness, but human
no reason
then why the hardened brow
ignored
tossed aside
blazing eyes
clenched fists
at nothing
why should i care?
gritted teeth at my own
carelessness
not justified
blinding love
hating it
and him
for nothing
i can't blame him
frustrating
infuriating
losing patience
tears turned to ice
scarring my cheeks
real and still...
nothing
nothing at all
if i could get it out in music
deafening, furious, violent
fighting myself
and his memory
can't just let it go
don't care why
or for explainations
SCREAM
run for miles
until i expire
over nothing
interpreted lack of feeling
mocks my over-caring self
trembling lip and drowning eyes
signs of weakness
wish i could crush them
and move on
i don't want to hold on
why can't i let go?
what's so important?
LET ME GO!
LET HIM GO!
(damn me and my heart)
this was written about a month ago... i can honestly say that i don't feel this way anymore although sometimes it's easier to be mad than to understand and grow.
carl, i can't wait to see you if u can come next weekend!!!!!
everyone, i'm going to try to get a get-together of the awesome central ppl at my house soon. we could have a bonfire and chill cause i miss you all:) sometime in early august. tell me about your schedules!!
i hope everyone's still alive from Canada! :) tell me about it!
i just discovered the International Music Feed (IMF) (satellite). and i have to say that i'm completely obcessed with it. i <3 music so hard!
ok, now i'm gonna go hang with the kewlest cat in the west...my daddy:) laters!
love,
Tigress
ps - i have to live up to that name;)