vent time!
Wow, I haven't posted in here in forever but I have to vent. I'm so pissed at myself right now, where do I start? I'm overwhelmed with problems that are all in my head but they're damn persistent! All my life I've been scared and intimidated by people, particularly beautiful, successful people, particualrly women and FUCK can I get some privacy please sweetie? Yes, you, sitting there beside me. I love you but you in ALL of my business and women are allowed to NOT expose our every insecurity to our partners. That said, I'm just about to vent about one of mine and then you come and hang around and give me updates...our relationship is great but I have some problems that you are just not the one who can help me with. So turn your head away from my screen. Now. Thank you.
Fuck it, I can`t tell anyone anything, I`ll just keep feeling like an insecure loser and fuckup extraordinaire until I`m right back where I was.
It`s not a huge deal, just that my possible future boss for a very promising career oppurtunity just called the phone at the internet cafe where I am and I answered and was caught completely off-guard (obvious to the other end of the phone) and it`s a fucking receptionist job! These things are only hilarious to a certain point. Here is where I draw the line at laughing at my own mistakes. I laugh all the time. I joke all the time. I constantly poke fun at myself, I`ll even make a fool of myself if it will put a smile on a person`s face who needs it.
But job-wise, my history is NFG (not fucking good). The woman who I may be (and want to!) work for is absolutely stunningly beautiful....actually the closest thing to a perfect person I`ve ever met. Considering I`ve spent the better portion of my teen years sleeping in tents, my school years on the wrestling team just to get the girls to stop harrassing me and laughed at, mocked, condescended, cop-called by anyone who is...who is...not a fuckup like me. Can anyone blame me for being a teensy bit insecureÉ
I`ve crawled out from some dark back alley and presented myself to the world, and the world seems to like me (seems to anyway) but I `haven`t licked these old wounds clean yet, I`m still kind of bleeding and raw on the inside from it all. My time is running out to pick a career path and give my daughter the chance she deserves so much after all SHE`s been through and I`m being held back by some remnants of pre-teen angst and insecurity. `It`s straight up ridiculous, at the age of 23, mother of a beautiufl baby girl yet I can`t even look another woman in the eye without wanting to die because I feel like I`m such a fucked-up, used-up , beat-up piece of garbage inside. Dave loves me, but I really don`t think he understands at all.
My social worker, the one who actually bailed me out of jail once, said this to me and the words stuck in my mind: ``Carolyn, why are you so afraid to go out there into the world and tryÉ`` and I couldn`t answer her. IT`s just unfathomable to me that there could be a place for me here, that I could be accepted, that I could be up to par, that I`m good enough. That I`m okay. There`s nothing wrong with me that makes me any less than any other person. I`m not mean, I`m only rude when it just hurts that much, all I do is try try try to be a good person. That`s all I want to be. Okay. Good. Acceptable. Decent. I want an A+ in everything. I want confidence. I can`t have that confidence without the A+, without the size 0, the decreading number on the scale, whatever it is, none of those things gave me confidence. I don`t know what will. Repeatedly making dumb mistakes certainly won`t.
Anyone who reads this will think ``Man, this girl is so into herself, this is such self-indulgent BS!` Honestly, I`m crying out for help because I cannot live my life like a scared little girl anymore. I *have* a little girl that I`m responsible for in this life. I don`t have the right to be a scared little girl. I`m a Mom. I`m her Mom. And it was devastating when they took her away from me and... the devastation is still inside me. I`m shattered. I`m picking up the pieces slowly but there`s a clock-hand ticking as she grows up without me. I`ve never been good under time pressure. Being in such a wonderful relationship is actually turning me a bit soft. I`m not kicking my own ass into gear fast enough, hard enough. Dave takes such good care of me, no wonder I feel like I`m a little girl. I don`t feel like I have any responsibilities. When they do hit me, I`m unprepared. And I`ve been fucking up all my oppurtunities. Like it`s some subconscious thing. Am I that terrified of failureÉ possible humiliation due to failureÉ I KNOW that i can do SO much better than this if I just wasn`t so afraid.
Part of me says, just leave me alone with a fit and some smack and everything will be alright again. It`s not an option. But it is still a part of me. That part of me doesn`t think she can be anything that`s useful. Isn`t that why we all stay out thereÉ Because for so long we were told we weren`t good enoughÉ Someone believed I could get off heroin and methadone and with that faith, I did it. I know how to say ``fuck you`` to the people who told me I wasn`t good enough...but I don`t know how to just turn my face the other way and disregard them.
blah. blah blah. blah blah blah. I don`t see a solution in sight. Meh. Things change constantly--constantly. Nothing stays the same forever. I have faith in that. I know that for a fact. At least I`m alive. I`m pretty much always happy. I have tons to be grateful for. Indulging my inner critic is not the solution. Relax, wait. Solutions will come.
Fuck it, I can`t tell anyone anything, I`ll just keep feeling like an insecure loser and fuckup extraordinaire until I`m right back where I was.
It`s not a huge deal, just that my possible future boss for a very promising career oppurtunity just called the phone at the internet cafe where I am and I answered and was caught completely off-guard (obvious to the other end of the phone) and it`s a fucking receptionist job! These things are only hilarious to a certain point. Here is where I draw the line at laughing at my own mistakes. I laugh all the time. I joke all the time. I constantly poke fun at myself, I`ll even make a fool of myself if it will put a smile on a person`s face who needs it.
But job-wise, my history is NFG (not fucking good). The woman who I may be (and want to!) work for is absolutely stunningly beautiful....actually the closest thing to a perfect person I`ve ever met. Considering I`ve spent the better portion of my teen years sleeping in tents, my school years on the wrestling team just to get the girls to stop harrassing me and laughed at, mocked, condescended, cop-called by anyone who is...who is...not a fuckup like me. Can anyone blame me for being a teensy bit insecureÉ
I`ve crawled out from some dark back alley and presented myself to the world, and the world seems to like me (seems to anyway) but I `haven`t licked these old wounds clean yet, I`m still kind of bleeding and raw on the inside from it all. My time is running out to pick a career path and give my daughter the chance she deserves so much after all SHE`s been through and I`m being held back by some remnants of pre-teen angst and insecurity. `It`s straight up ridiculous, at the age of 23, mother of a beautiufl baby girl yet I can`t even look another woman in the eye without wanting to die because I feel like I`m such a fucked-up, used-up , beat-up piece of garbage inside. Dave loves me, but I really don`t think he understands at all.
My social worker, the one who actually bailed me out of jail once, said this to me and the words stuck in my mind: ``Carolyn, why are you so afraid to go out there into the world and tryÉ`` and I couldn`t answer her. IT`s just unfathomable to me that there could be a place for me here, that I could be accepted, that I could be up to par, that I`m good enough. That I`m okay. There`s nothing wrong with me that makes me any less than any other person. I`m not mean, I`m only rude when it just hurts that much, all I do is try try try to be a good person. That`s all I want to be. Okay. Good. Acceptable. Decent. I want an A+ in everything. I want confidence. I can`t have that confidence without the A+, without the size 0, the decreading number on the scale, whatever it is, none of those things gave me confidence. I don`t know what will. Repeatedly making dumb mistakes certainly won`t.
Anyone who reads this will think ``Man, this girl is so into herself, this is such self-indulgent BS!` Honestly, I`m crying out for help because I cannot live my life like a scared little girl anymore. I *have* a little girl that I`m responsible for in this life. I don`t have the right to be a scared little girl. I`m a Mom. I`m her Mom. And it was devastating when they took her away from me and... the devastation is still inside me. I`m shattered. I`m picking up the pieces slowly but there`s a clock-hand ticking as she grows up without me. I`ve never been good under time pressure. Being in such a wonderful relationship is actually turning me a bit soft. I`m not kicking my own ass into gear fast enough, hard enough. Dave takes such good care of me, no wonder I feel like I`m a little girl. I don`t feel like I have any responsibilities. When they do hit me, I`m unprepared. And I`ve been fucking up all my oppurtunities. Like it`s some subconscious thing. Am I that terrified of failureÉ possible humiliation due to failureÉ I KNOW that i can do SO much better than this if I just wasn`t so afraid.
Part of me says, just leave me alone with a fit and some smack and everything will be alright again. It`s not an option. But it is still a part of me. That part of me doesn`t think she can be anything that`s useful. Isn`t that why we all stay out thereÉ Because for so long we were told we weren`t good enoughÉ Someone believed I could get off heroin and methadone and with that faith, I did it. I know how to say ``fuck you`` to the people who told me I wasn`t good enough...but I don`t know how to just turn my face the other way and disregard them.
blah. blah blah. blah blah blah. I don`t see a solution in sight. Meh. Things change constantly--constantly. Nothing stays the same forever. I have faith in that. I know that for a fact. At least I`m alive. I`m pretty much always happy. I have tons to be grateful for. Indulging my inner critic is not the solution. Relax, wait. Solutions will come.