On Change and Moving to Shanghai
Even though i've gotten a Tumblr, i like to keep this blog because well for one thing, it makes me feel like no one reads it...or the people who do read it are familiar with me enough that i can write whatever i want to on this thing. It's like it's private, but not. haha. the second reason why i choose to keep this, is because it has everything from my past. i can still remember the day i was at stacy's house and she made this LJ for me. and if i remember correctly, i said "yay, first entry... i'm at stacy's house. hello lj!" or something dorky to that effect. through all this, i've realized that i'm a creature of routine. i don't like change, particularly one of big changes. it may be the obssessive compulsive in me...but whatever, that's another topic altogether.
anyway, even though i love me some habits and routiens, i've realized that i needed...that i still need a change.
i need to change. over the last few months and maybe year, i've realized a lot about myself. and there are some things that i don't like. like how i need to be less selfish, less needy and dependent. how i need to learn how to let go of things that shouldn't matter to me, how i need to realize that other people's worries shouldn't be my worries as well. how i shouldn't be made "padala" to other people. how i need to sort out my jumbled feelings. how i need to find myself so that i know who and what i want for me....there are so many! so much so that i worry about my worries!
i need the change. i need THIS change. maybe that's one of the reasons i decided to go to shanghai. distance, breathing room, space. all of these rom the tiny network of manila, from the ifluences of others, from the stories, gossip, happenings that have begun to shape my life. i realized that there are some things i used to think were important, but i can do without. i don't need to know what people are doing exaclty on each specific moment, i don't kow to know who said this and who said that. because in all honesty, it's only getting me down and i don't know really, if i care for it much. i'm just tired, and i feel like i'm a hundred years old.
sure, after only almost two weeks, i feel lonely, knowing that people back home are moving on with their lives, that i'm here, struggling with my broken mandarin in order to survive, that i have to make new friends and get out of my shell, that in five months or so, i don't know what i'll be coming home to manila to. but i need this. i need to experience something new, something scary, something exciting and unknown. i need this change so i know that there's something much bigger than me, my worries, my whatevers, bigger than the bubble that is manila.
if you knew me, you'd know that i hate change. i thrive on planned-ness, schedules, habits. i don't easily let go of anything. but now, maybe things will be different... maybe if i open myself up more fully to the possibility of change and shanghai, good things will happen. i've only been here for 2 weeks, and it's shaping up to be quite an adventure. i just need to remind myself to let go. :)
anyway, even though i love me some habits and routiens, i've realized that i needed...that i still need a change.
i need to change. over the last few months and maybe year, i've realized a lot about myself. and there are some things that i don't like. like how i need to be less selfish, less needy and dependent. how i need to learn how to let go of things that shouldn't matter to me, how i need to realize that other people's worries shouldn't be my worries as well. how i shouldn't be made "padala" to other people. how i need to sort out my jumbled feelings. how i need to find myself so that i know who and what i want for me....there are so many! so much so that i worry about my worries!
i need the change. i need THIS change. maybe that's one of the reasons i decided to go to shanghai. distance, breathing room, space. all of these rom the tiny network of manila, from the ifluences of others, from the stories, gossip, happenings that have begun to shape my life. i realized that there are some things i used to think were important, but i can do without. i don't need to know what people are doing exaclty on each specific moment, i don't kow to know who said this and who said that. because in all honesty, it's only getting me down and i don't know really, if i care for it much. i'm just tired, and i feel like i'm a hundred years old.
sure, after only almost two weeks, i feel lonely, knowing that people back home are moving on with their lives, that i'm here, struggling with my broken mandarin in order to survive, that i have to make new friends and get out of my shell, that in five months or so, i don't know what i'll be coming home to manila to. but i need this. i need to experience something new, something scary, something exciting and unknown. i need this change so i know that there's something much bigger than me, my worries, my whatevers, bigger than the bubble that is manila.
if you knew me, you'd know that i hate change. i thrive on planned-ness, schedules, habits. i don't easily let go of anything. but now, maybe things will be different... maybe if i open myself up more fully to the possibility of change and shanghai, good things will happen. i've only been here for 2 weeks, and it's shaping up to be quite an adventure. i just need to remind myself to let go. :)