it's just rain
title: it's just rain
fandom: harry potter
characters/pairings: remus/sirius, remus/tonks
rating: pg-13
summary: remus lupin: werewolf, ex-teacher, last marauder, nigh widower, boyfriend. father?
author's notes: written for remus_reads
it's just rain.
He sat alone in his living room, only barely having managed to get Tonks out of the door. A loud sigh escaped him as he took a swig from his tea - it was stone cold, by now. He ran his hands over his face and through his hair.
Bollocks.
Even though he was the only one in the house and he didn't even say the word out loud, Remus flinched, as if someone had heard. Remus didn't swear. He simply didn't, not even when things were beyond despair and the end of the world was nigh. He was taught to say silly things, instead, like "fiddlesticks" and "bugger" - and so he did.
The realisation alone made his head throb. How the hell had he got in to this bloody mess? How could he have been so incredibly stupid?
A child?
There were so many things wrong with this, he didn't even know where to start listing them. For starters, Remus had never even seriously considered becoming a father, because - oh yes - it could be born a werewolf. And he and Nymphadora had only been together for - what? - three months, he wasn't even sure he was going to stay with her for the rest of his life and now, all of a sudden, he was expected to marry her. He and Sirius had been together for almost seven years and -
Remus threw his head back and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. Ay, there was the rub. It wasn't that he was going to be a father. He was almost ecstatic about having a baby, lycanthropy be damned. It wasn't that he had to plan a wedding now. He had always hoped for to get married some day. The person all of this was happening with, however, he had expected her to be someone… else. Of the slightly more masculine persuasion (who, incidentally, was his bride-to-be's cousin).
His stomach clenched at the mere thought of Sirius possibly looking down on them, cursing him with so many foul words, his mother would have been proud of him. 'You heinous bastard,' he'd say. 'I've only been dead for a year and already you're walking down the bloody aisle? You're not even a Catholic! And neither is she!'
I was mostly doing it for Andromeda. She likes Muggle protocol.
'Knocked her up already, did you?' Sirius would carry on regardless. 'Didn't take you long to get your feet under the Black table again.'
That was a low blow, Sirius.
'For Merlin's sake, she's only twenty-eight, Moony.'
Fuck off, Remus J. You're a wanker and a prat.
'I didn't say that,' Sirius would say. 'That was you. Though I can't say you're wrong.'
Remus closed his eyes and shook his head, as if to clear away the imaginary ex-boyfriend. To no avail. He kept on hearing Sirius's voice in his mind and the more he heard it, the more he realised Sirius was right.
Nymphadora was only twenty-eight years old and Remus would never understand what a young and energetic girl like her would see in a dull, old fellow like him. And neither would he understand why he had let himself get swept away by this whole thing.
In truth, he was terrified by the idea. He worried, almost every day, that he was holding her back. He was scared she'd realise that there was so much more to the world than his silly habits of drinking tea with a good book and having Wolfsbane every third week of the month. One day, she would open her eyes and truly see him for what he was: worn, weary, dull and estranged from the world around him. (That's why he held on to such old manners: he held open doors for women, always walked up and down the stairs first and always said "please" and "thank you". Remus was good at that. He knew it was expected of him.) Once she would discover that all she knew about him was just an act, she'd leave him without a second thought and take their baby with her.
And he'd be all alone, again.
But their baby, for Heaven's sake. Remus and Nymphadora were having a baby: a little boy or girl that would be theirs to name, to teach and to love. Was he even ready for this? He would love it more than life itself, of course, there was no doubt about it. The naming he would definitely have to leave to Nymphadora, because there was only one name for a boy he could think of (Sirius) and only one for a girl (Lily) - and somehow, he didn't think she'd agree with either of them. (Nymphadora liked experimental Muggle names, like River or Finn. Remus hoped she'd come round to his more traditional choice of names.) But what could he teach their child? How to hide away from the outside world, as he had done for so many years? How to be a poor judge of character and despise the person you love for thirteen years? How to lose your friends in a single night? He had nothing to offer.
*
'Shut it, Moony,' Sirius said, while taking a long drag from his cigarette, eyes closed to enjoy the sensation all the better. 'You'll be a fantastic dad. Your kid'll be speaking in full sentences by the age of one, reading Chaucer by four and defending the hell out of the Dark Arts by six.'
'In between being locked up in the Shrieking Shack, you mean?' he answered. 'I think I'll pass.'
'You could still adopt.'
'Why would I?' Remus said, eyebrow cocked. 'There isn't a single child on earth that would want a werewolf as a father. I think they passed a law against it, as well.'
'Bugger the law. And bugger kids.' Sirius put out his cigarette and crawled closer to him, over the Gryffindor couches.
'Actually, I think there's a law against that, too,' he told him, smiling from behind his book.
'We'd have the most gorgeous little blighters in the world.'
'Oh no, don't - don't even think about it,' Remus said apprehensively, eyes growing wide, a hand subconsciously hovering over his stomach. 'If you ever, ever let James near that spell again, I will kill you. Once was enough. More than enough.'
'Not like that, you plonker.' Sirius was dangerously close now, nose almost touching his and breath cool on his lips. 'Imagine: my eyes, your hair. My nose, your lips. And my body, of course, you are way too thin.'
Remus rolled his eyes. 'My brain, your non-lycanthropy?'
'Now you're getting it!' Sirius laughed and kissed him fiercely on the lips. In between snogs, he murmured, 'It'll have my surname, of course. Mackenzie Sirius Lupin just sounds ridiculous.'
Remus was too engulfed in the moment to protest that Mackenzie Sirius Black was hardly any better. A night of passionate shagging ensued, in which - thankfully - no children were conceived (which possibly had to do with James sneaking in to the girls's dormitory to do the same).
*
It had so many years ago, that conversation, and Remus had long forgotten about it in between everything that happened. But ever since Nymphadora had told him he really was going to have a little blighter, his mind kept drifting back to it.
Remus kept wondering. Whose eyes would it have? Whose hair? Whose nose? He didn't even know what Nymphadora really looked like. She could look exactly like Sirius. He could very well get that child Sirius was talking about.
And somehow, it didn't seem as strange or worrying, when he was talking about it then, with his boyfriend. Maybe because he knew it would never happen - goes to show how wrong he was - but Remus was strongly suspecting that it did have to do with who he was having the child with.
What if he did have that child that was a perfect mix between Lupin and Black? Would he still be able to look at it? Would he still be able to look it in the eye without missing Sirius even more than he already did? Would he be able to keep quiet and not blurt out secrets about his past love life to his child? Would he be able to care for it, without feeling the hurt of not having this child with the right person?
He could not shake the thought that having this baby, going through with this marriage, was like cheating on Sirius. It had kept him awake many a night, but he didn't know what to do about it. An abortion? That was too drastic - the idea alone made his head spin. Remus wanted this child, loved it already, no matter who he was having it with (or who it looked like, he told himself). He could leave Nymphadora? He could go on this wild chase Harry was planning and pretend to be a hero. At least, that way, if he died in battle, his child would have a better idea of him than as a werewolf who did nothing with his life. At least, that way, his child might not notice that not everything was right in their family - that daddy had been (and still was?) in love with a certain Sirius Black and not always with mummy, as it was supposed to believe.
That didn't sound too bad to him, actually. He would, of course, leave them all the money he had left. He would send them whatever useful things he could find. He would let him keep his cottage.
'You're a coward, Remus Lupin,' the Sirius in his head said, popping up again. 'And you never used to be.'
'Then maybe she changed me,' he said aloud, to himself and the image in his head.
'Why did you let her?'
Remus opened his mouth to answer, but didn't, even if he knew what was the right thing to say.
Because I love her too.
Remus downed his cold tea, got up and put his cup in the sink. He took a deep breath and Apparated to Grimmauld Place, to find Harry.
fandom: harry potter
characters/pairings: remus/sirius, remus/tonks
rating: pg-13
summary: remus lupin: werewolf, ex-teacher, last marauder, nigh widower, boyfriend. father?
author's notes: written for remus_reads
it's just rain.
He sat alone in his living room, only barely having managed to get Tonks out of the door. A loud sigh escaped him as he took a swig from his tea - it was stone cold, by now. He ran his hands over his face and through his hair.
Bollocks.
Even though he was the only one in the house and he didn't even say the word out loud, Remus flinched, as if someone had heard. Remus didn't swear. He simply didn't, not even when things were beyond despair and the end of the world was nigh. He was taught to say silly things, instead, like "fiddlesticks" and "bugger" - and so he did.
The realisation alone made his head throb. How the hell had he got in to this bloody mess? How could he have been so incredibly stupid?
A child?
There were so many things wrong with this, he didn't even know where to start listing them. For starters, Remus had never even seriously considered becoming a father, because - oh yes - it could be born a werewolf. And he and Nymphadora had only been together for - what? - three months, he wasn't even sure he was going to stay with her for the rest of his life and now, all of a sudden, he was expected to marry her. He and Sirius had been together for almost seven years and -
Remus threw his head back and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. Ay, there was the rub. It wasn't that he was going to be a father. He was almost ecstatic about having a baby, lycanthropy be damned. It wasn't that he had to plan a wedding now. He had always hoped for to get married some day. The person all of this was happening with, however, he had expected her to be someone… else. Of the slightly more masculine persuasion (who, incidentally, was his bride-to-be's cousin).
His stomach clenched at the mere thought of Sirius possibly looking down on them, cursing him with so many foul words, his mother would have been proud of him. 'You heinous bastard,' he'd say. 'I've only been dead for a year and already you're walking down the bloody aisle? You're not even a Catholic! And neither is she!'
I was mostly doing it for Andromeda. She likes Muggle protocol.
'Knocked her up already, did you?' Sirius would carry on regardless. 'Didn't take you long to get your feet under the Black table again.'
That was a low blow, Sirius.
'For Merlin's sake, she's only twenty-eight, Moony.'
Fuck off, Remus J. You're a wanker and a prat.
'I didn't say that,' Sirius would say. 'That was you. Though I can't say you're wrong.'
Remus closed his eyes and shook his head, as if to clear away the imaginary ex-boyfriend. To no avail. He kept on hearing Sirius's voice in his mind and the more he heard it, the more he realised Sirius was right.
Nymphadora was only twenty-eight years old and Remus would never understand what a young and energetic girl like her would see in a dull, old fellow like him. And neither would he understand why he had let himself get swept away by this whole thing.
In truth, he was terrified by the idea. He worried, almost every day, that he was holding her back. He was scared she'd realise that there was so much more to the world than his silly habits of drinking tea with a good book and having Wolfsbane every third week of the month. One day, she would open her eyes and truly see him for what he was: worn, weary, dull and estranged from the world around him. (That's why he held on to such old manners: he held open doors for women, always walked up and down the stairs first and always said "please" and "thank you". Remus was good at that. He knew it was expected of him.) Once she would discover that all she knew about him was just an act, she'd leave him without a second thought and take their baby with her.
And he'd be all alone, again.
But their baby, for Heaven's sake. Remus and Nymphadora were having a baby: a little boy or girl that would be theirs to name, to teach and to love. Was he even ready for this? He would love it more than life itself, of course, there was no doubt about it. The naming he would definitely have to leave to Nymphadora, because there was only one name for a boy he could think of (Sirius) and only one for a girl (Lily) - and somehow, he didn't think she'd agree with either of them. (Nymphadora liked experimental Muggle names, like River or Finn. Remus hoped she'd come round to his more traditional choice of names.) But what could he teach their child? How to hide away from the outside world, as he had done for so many years? How to be a poor judge of character and despise the person you love for thirteen years? How to lose your friends in a single night? He had nothing to offer.
*
'Shut it, Moony,' Sirius said, while taking a long drag from his cigarette, eyes closed to enjoy the sensation all the better. 'You'll be a fantastic dad. Your kid'll be speaking in full sentences by the age of one, reading Chaucer by four and defending the hell out of the Dark Arts by six.'
'In between being locked up in the Shrieking Shack, you mean?' he answered. 'I think I'll pass.'
'You could still adopt.'
'Why would I?' Remus said, eyebrow cocked. 'There isn't a single child on earth that would want a werewolf as a father. I think they passed a law against it, as well.'
'Bugger the law. And bugger kids.' Sirius put out his cigarette and crawled closer to him, over the Gryffindor couches.
'Actually, I think there's a law against that, too,' he told him, smiling from behind his book.
'We'd have the most gorgeous little blighters in the world.'
'Oh no, don't - don't even think about it,' Remus said apprehensively, eyes growing wide, a hand subconsciously hovering over his stomach. 'If you ever, ever let James near that spell again, I will kill you. Once was enough. More than enough.'
'Not like that, you plonker.' Sirius was dangerously close now, nose almost touching his and breath cool on his lips. 'Imagine: my eyes, your hair. My nose, your lips. And my body, of course, you are way too thin.'
Remus rolled his eyes. 'My brain, your non-lycanthropy?'
'Now you're getting it!' Sirius laughed and kissed him fiercely on the lips. In between snogs, he murmured, 'It'll have my surname, of course. Mackenzie Sirius Lupin just sounds ridiculous.'
Remus was too engulfed in the moment to protest that Mackenzie Sirius Black was hardly any better. A night of passionate shagging ensued, in which - thankfully - no children were conceived (which possibly had to do with James sneaking in to the girls's dormitory to do the same).
*
It had so many years ago, that conversation, and Remus had long forgotten about it in between everything that happened. But ever since Nymphadora had told him he really was going to have a little blighter, his mind kept drifting back to it.
Remus kept wondering. Whose eyes would it have? Whose hair? Whose nose? He didn't even know what Nymphadora really looked like. She could look exactly like Sirius. He could very well get that child Sirius was talking about.
And somehow, it didn't seem as strange or worrying, when he was talking about it then, with his boyfriend. Maybe because he knew it would never happen - goes to show how wrong he was - but Remus was strongly suspecting that it did have to do with who he was having the child with.
What if he did have that child that was a perfect mix between Lupin and Black? Would he still be able to look at it? Would he still be able to look it in the eye without missing Sirius even more than he already did? Would he be able to keep quiet and not blurt out secrets about his past love life to his child? Would he be able to care for it, without feeling the hurt of not having this child with the right person?
He could not shake the thought that having this baby, going through with this marriage, was like cheating on Sirius. It had kept him awake many a night, but he didn't know what to do about it. An abortion? That was too drastic - the idea alone made his head spin. Remus wanted this child, loved it already, no matter who he was having it with (or who it looked like, he told himself). He could leave Nymphadora? He could go on this wild chase Harry was planning and pretend to be a hero. At least, that way, if he died in battle, his child would have a better idea of him than as a werewolf who did nothing with his life. At least, that way, his child might not notice that not everything was right in their family - that daddy had been (and still was?) in love with a certain Sirius Black and not always with mummy, as it was supposed to believe.
That didn't sound too bad to him, actually. He would, of course, leave them all the money he had left. He would send them whatever useful things he could find. He would let him keep his cottage.
'You're a coward, Remus Lupin,' the Sirius in his head said, popping up again. 'And you never used to be.'
'Then maybe she changed me,' he said aloud, to himself and the image in his head.
'Why did you let her?'
Remus opened his mouth to answer, but didn't, even if he knew what was the right thing to say.
Because I love her too.
Remus downed his cold tea, got up and put his cup in the sink. He took a deep breath and Apparated to Grimmauld Place, to find Harry.