waiting

[harwhon]

title: waiting
fandom: harry potter
characters/pairings: remus/sirius, james/lily, sirius/ofc, order of the phoenix members
rating: PG

summary: remus doesn't like someone's advances because he's still in love with his ex, yet the order wants them to be together. what does remus do?

author's notes: written for remus_reads


waiting.
Sirius had never been very good at expressing his feelings, though every once in a while, he could be very affectionate and insecure. Remus always assumed that was one of the reasons he’d fallen in love with Sirius. Sure, he was gorgeous and funny and smart and popular, but the fact that he did show he wasn't perfect every so often, made him real and, paradoxically, perfect.

‘You’d never leave me,’ Sirius asked suddenly, ‘would you, Moony?’

‘Not unless you’d want me to,’ Remus answered, truthfully.

‘Not even if I were gone for a long time?’

‘As long as you’d promise to come back,’ Remus said. ‘I’d wait forever.’

‘What if you fall in love with someone else?’

‘There is no one else, Padfoot.’ Remus smiled and he gently placed a kiss on Sirius’s forehead.

‘And what if I fall in love with someone else?’

‘Well, if you think that that person could make you happier, I won’t stop you.’ Remus sighed.

And when Sirius decided to leave him for a woman, he didn’t.

*

‘Hattie?’ James spat, as if taking too long in saying it would poison him. ‘Hattie? Is that even a name?’

‘James!’ Lily hissed, for about the fifteenth time since Remus had told them. ‘How did they meet, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘They met at Auror training, I guess,’ he answered. ‘I don’t know, I don’t really care about where and when and if and how.’

‘You’re joking, right?’ James asked. ‘I mean, you must care. If somehow you could’ve -’

‘There’s nothing I could’ve done,’ Remus said, resolutely.

‘So you’re not even sad or hurt?’ James asked again, earning an elbow in the stomach from Lily.

‘Of course, I am, James,’ he said. ‘Of course! I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But Sirius found himself no longer happy. I couldn’t force him to stay.’

‘To hell, you couldn’t!’ James blurted out. ‘Even if you had to tie him to tree, you should’ve made him stay. Tell him it was only temporary, codswallop, old water in the sink.’

‘That’s not even an expression. I’m sure you don’t even believe what you’re saying,’ Remus said with a sad smile. ‘If Lily one day decided to leave you, would you tie her to a tree?’

James remained silent for a few moments and then turned to Lily with a pleading look in his eyes. ‘But you wouldn’t leave me, right?’

‘Of course not.’ Lily sighed and kissed his nose.

Remus thought it’d be better not to mention that that's what Sirius had told him too, that Remus had believed he'd never leave him. And certainly not for a woman.

*

‘Are you rea- you buttoned your shirt up wrong, James.’ Lily sighed.

‘So what?’ he asked, furiously. ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this. There’s not even one good reason for it.’

‘Sirius wants us to meet his girlfriend,’ Lily said, while re-buttoning her husband’s shirt. ‘He’s trying to make us see what’s so special about her and we should give him - and her - a chance. You might come to like her.’

‘If Remus knew we were doing this -’ James started, but Lily cut him off.

‘Remus does know,’ she said. ‘Sirius invited him too. He just didn’t want to come. Now go try and do something about your hair. They’ll be here any minute.’

Lily knew full well there was nothing to be done about James’s hair, but she just needed him to be out of the way, even if only for one minute.

There was a short, excited rap on the door.

‘Behave, James,’ Lily yelled toward the bathroom and, after throwing one more glance in the mirror, she hurried for the door.

*

‘Oh, ta, darlings! It was such fun meeting you! Ta!’

James closed the door and stared at his shoes. Lily was sitting at the table, her hand in front of her mouth, her expression unreadable.

‘Might come to like her?’ James said after a few minutes, victory apparent in his voice.

‘Oh fine.’ Lily sighed. ‘She’s hell in a dress.’

‘What dress? D’you mean that skimpy little piece of fabric that didn’t even come near to covering her thighs?’

Lily laughed. ‘Did you see her combat boots? I’m positive she left a trail of mud all over the apartment.’

‘I might’ve been distracted by the yellow hair. Or the moving nail varnish. Or her voice, oh, the agony of listening to that all night.’

‘I know!’ Lily agreed as she used her wand to clear the table. ‘She sounded like an angry goat.’

‘She looked like one, as well,’ James sniggered.

'James!' Lily scolded, but there was a smile on her face that suggested she knew all too well her husband was right.

*

'She's horrible, Remus! An absolute -'

'James.'

'- nightmare.'

'James,' Remus said again. 'I don't want to hear it.'

'But,' James continued, 'but she's annoying! A total git!'

'I'm not interested,' Remus said, louder than he'd intended, momentarily forgetting that Sirius was sitting across the table from him (and ignoring him with admirable stamina).

'I'm sorry to hear that,' Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling. 'I haven't even told you what we want you to do.'

The members of the Order of the Phoenix stared at him and Remus decided that an Order meeting might not be the ideal place to discuss his relationship.

*

'No,' Remus said. 'I'm not doing it.'

'You have no choice,' Lily said quietly. 'It's an official mission.'

'I can't,' he said angrily. 'I won't.'

'Remus -'

'No. I won't play house with Emmeline Vance!' he went on. 'I can't pretend I'm married. I'm gay, it's clear I'm gay.'

'That could easily be mistaken for, you know, goodness and stuff.' James shrugged. 'I know I always thought it was.'

'I can't pretend -' Remus tried again.

'Stop it, Remus,' Lily snapped. 'You managed to fool your best friends about being a werewolf. And about being gay, apparently. You're the best liar in the whole of England. You can pretend. '

'I'll have you know that my friends are all very gullible.'

'I am insulted.'

'He's got a point, James,' Lily said with a mischievous smile. 'But Remus, really?'

'I can't stand her.' Remus sighed. When he noticed Lily and James were staring at him in disbelief, he continued. 'She's very - maybe too - I just don't like her.'

'Maybe you're not a very good liar after all,' Lily said, frowning. 'But if you don't want to tell -'

'No, Lily, I'm serious,' Remus continued. 'She's so very - she's all over the place.'

'Well, she is a rather lively person,' Lily managed.

'You do know she's head over heels for you, right, Remus?' James asked.

Remus blinked twice and scratched behind his ear.

'That explains a lot, really,' he said. 'Wait, doesn't she know about - about Sirius and me?'

'I think she's very good at not hearing stuff she doesn't want to hear.' James pulled a face. 'All women are.'

'I heard that, love,' Lily said sweetly.

Remus loved Lily very much. She was one of his best friends, but he had to agree with James. Women are trouble. Every single one.

*

'Does he have to, Albus?' Lily asked.

'I'm afraid so,' Dumbledore answered solemnly. 'His face is not very familiar to the Death Eaters and you know just as well as I do that Remus is the only person they'd believe is a perfect father and husband.'

'I know,' Lily continued, pensive. 'But isn't it a bit insensitive of the Order to send him on this mission right after Sirius, well, dumped him? This is the last thing he needs.'

'Or maybe it's the exact opposite,' Dumbledore said with a smile. 'Maybe Remus needs to take some time off from his own feelings. Maybe Remus just needs to pretend to be someone else and then, who knows what might happen?'

Lily would've liked nothing more than to just say 'Albus Dumbledore, you are most definitely a strange man.' But she decided not to, in the end.

*

'Oh, Remus darling, you haven't unpacked the vases yet.' A voice said from the kitchen. 'I can't put away my flowers.'

Remus sighed. If there was one thing he thoroughly hated, it was brightly coloured flowers in bright blue and red vases. He also hated cushions with flowers embroidered on them. And framed pictures of flowers. And sheets with flowers on them. In short, Remus was living a nightmare.

'Emmeline, is all this really necessary?'

'Call me Emmy,' she giggled. 'We want this house to look like a real home, don't we?'

'Emmeline -'

'I told you, call me Emmy,' she repeated. 'No Death Eater, or anyone for that matter, would believe a husband doesn't have a nickname for his wife.'

Remus didn't even bother reminding her they were operating under false names for this mission. Clearly, this was a lost cause. So instead he asked, 'You haven’t got one for me, have you?'

'Of course I do, Remmy.'

Remus felt he should've seen this one coming.

'See,' she giggled again and took his hand. 'We could be Emmy and Remmy.'

Murder me, James read on a scrap of parchment that same night.

*

'Emmeline,' Remus said, nervously. 'We've got to talk.'

'What is it, darling?'

'Exactly that,' he said. 'I'm over the fact that we need to act like a happy little family, but I have always thought couples could act normal.'

'Is there something abnormal about us?' Emmeline seemed worried.

'I'm sure that this is normal for you,' Remus answered quickly. 'It's just - I don't like using nicknames. Or flowers, for that matter.'

Emmeline frowned.

'I'm really sorry,' he said. 'But I feel I should be honest to you if we want this to work. I can't go on pretending to love your handmade vases from Bolivia.'

'Remus,' Emmeline said slowly. 'Are you positively sure you don't like flowers?'

'I think I can say that I know it for a fact,' he answered. 'I like flowers just fine when they're in a garden I can read in, but other than that, I prefer being far away from them.'

'No, it's just -' She took a breath and continued. 'Sirius told me you were really into flowers. I thought you'd appreciate it.'

'Sirius told you that?' Remus asked, puzzled.

'Yes,' she said. 'He even helped me pick the vases.'

*

Once Emmeline had dropped the act (the one Sirius had assured her Remus would like), Remus had to admit that she was a very enjoyable person. He'd even started appreciating this mission. They spent nights together on the couch watching fifties-movies (it appeared they shared a love for the forties and early fifties), dancing to swing music or just reading with a nice cup of tea. They'd decided on no more flowers, lots of books and no nicknames for Remus. Though she had insisted he stopped calling her Emmeline, because she hated the name.

Even the mission itself went flawlessly. They had moved into a nice house in the suburbs of London and had changed their names for the outside world. Luke and Barbra Whitewater were the perfect couple, expecting a perfect baby. A nice Illusion Charm had managed to make Emmeline look a good five months pregnant. Dumbledore had managed to find him a job as a guard in a wizarding museum, which worked out brilliantly, as it allowed him to work three weeks per month only. What was even more fortunate was that Remus had discovered that two of his five colleagues were Death Eaters.

'Em,' he called from behind his book into the kitchen, 'we're invited to a party over at the Rosiers.'

'Great!' she called back. 'When?'

'Next Tuesday,' he answered.

'Oh dear.' Emmeline sighed as she walked into their living room. 'It's Sirius's birthday party next Tuesday. We already promised we'd go.'

'I totally forgot about that,' Remus said, bemused. 'Did we get him something yet?'

'You gave me a list about a month ago,' Emmeline answered and dropped onto the couch, 'when we'd just moved in. I bought something the moment I got it.'

'We'll send it to him, then,' Remus continued. 'Or drop it at James's. We can't afford to miss this dinner, Em.'

'I know,' she said. 'But Sirius will be -'

'Forget about Sirius,' Remus said, mostly to himself. 'He should understand. And if he doesn't, well -'

'I know.'

*

'What d'you mean: Remus couldn't come?'

'Exactly what I said,' James answered lightly. 'It means that Remus couldn't come.'

'Where is he, then?' Sirius was fuming.

'Off having a good time with Emmeline.' James laughed. 'And a few Death Eaters.'

'He preferred Death Eaters to my party?'

'It's a mission, Sirius,' Lily whispered. 'It's not like he could choose. He needs to make them think he's on their side.'

'I think they're getting a bit too comfortable with this mission,' Sirius snapped. 'I think he's enjoying it a bit too much.'

'Shut up, Sirius,' James yawned.

*

'So how far along is your misses?' Evan Rosier lit his cigar and eyed Emmeline, who was helping his wife in the kitchen, with perverse intensity.

'Five months,' Remus answered. 'It's showing now, isn't it?'

'Ah yes,' Rosier said. 'I've always loved the sight of a pregnant woman. The round stomach, the plump breasts, it's the best thing nature has to offer.'

'I'm sure it is,' Remus said, somewhat shocked. 'Are you and Sarah planning on any children?'

'No.' Rosier's answer was short and harsh. When he noticed Remus was a bit taken aback, he smiled. 'But you and Barbra have got it together. You'll have a perfect little family.'

'Yes.' Remus nodded. 'I hopr we'll be good parents.'

'You're both Purebloods?'

'Yes,' Remus answered.

'Then you will be. That's exactly the people the Dark Lord needs, Whitewater,' Rosier said. 'How would you feel about meeting him?'

'Dinner's ready, boys,' Sarah called.

*

'Luke Whitewater,' Emmeline said as she closed the door to their bedroom, 'you are very near to brilliant. Dumbledore will be so pleased when he hears about this.'

'Well, Barbra, you are not too bad yourself.' Remus smiled.

'Mostly because of you,' she said and got into the bed. 'We make a good team.'

She giggled and Remus felt her take him by the hand underneath the sheets. She slowly put her head on his shoulder and sighed.

'Don't we make the best team?'

'Emmeline.' Remus sighed. 'I like you and we do indeed make a good team, but -'

'But what?' she asked. 'What's stopping you?'

'Well,' he hesitated. 'I do like men and -'

'You broke up with Sirius.'

'Sirius broke up with me,' he corrected. 'That doesn't mean I stopped liking men in general.'

'Why not?' Emmeline sat up and looked him right in the eye. 'We could just give it a try and -'

'I'm not so sure about that,' Remus said as he fumbled with the sheets. 'I don't feel -'

Without any warning at all, Emmeline kissed him and Remus - for some unfathomable reason - didn't stop her.
It's part of the mission, he told himself and that was good enough at that moment.

*

'I've had enough of this,' Sirius yelled. 'This is the third time we've invited him and he hasn't shown up!'

'He's busy.' Lily sighed. 'He doesn't have a choice. The Order expects him to find out what's going on.'

'He doesn't have to get that friendly with her.'

'They're supposed to be a married couple!' James yelled.

'So?' Sirius asked. 'Did you see the way they behaved at the last meeting? That's not acting anymore.'

'They like each other,' Lily said, shifting uncomfortably in her chair.

'Lily.' Sirius narrowed his eyes. 'What is it that you know and I don't?'

'Nothing.'

'Don't lie,' he said. 'I can tell when you are.'

'I'm not lying, Sirius,' she answered, but she avoided his eyes. 'I'm not -'

'Evans, I'll hex you into next week if you don't tell me,' Sirius grunted. 'And you know I will.'

'Padfoot,' James said. 'Give it a rest; she says she doesn't know -'

'They kissed.'

Sirius got up from his chair and walked over to Lily. 'They kissed?'

'That's all Emmeline told me,' Lily said quickly. 'It's probably part of the act.'

'I can't believe this!' Sirius yelled. 'Bloody hell, Moony. Bastard.'

'You're being unfair, Sirius.' James ran a hand through his hair. Lily could see he had problems remaining calm.

'Unfair?' Sirius yelled again. 'He's supposed to be gay. We were together for two bloody years, and now he's suddenly straight?'

'Look who's talking.' Lily got up and looked him straight in the eye. 'You left him for a girl.'

'You can hardly call Hattie a girl.'

'True love, I see,' James said haughtily.

'We broke up weeks ago.' Sirius took out his wand and disappeared.

*

'I made a mistake, Remus.'

Remus turned around and was surprised to see Sirius standing in his kitchen.

'Sirius, you're not supposed to know this address,' he hissed. 'How did you find it?'

'The old Black charm,' came the reply. 'I made a mistake.'

'That's what you said,' Remus said. 'Tea?'

'I'm really sorry.' Sirius was staring at the white marble tiles. He made to look up, but even before his eyes met Remus's, he looked back down. 'I'm - You know I'm stupid. You know I do stupid and impulsive things. Hattie was -'

'I don't need an explanation,' Remus said and went into the living room.

'But I need to give it to you.' Sirius shuffled after him. 'Hattie was new and young and -'

'- a girl,' Remus finished.

'Moony.' Sirius sighed.

'You hadn't noticed?'

'I've - I'd never been with a girl before,' Sirius moaned. 'I didn't know if she could make me happy or not.'

'That is not the point, Sirius,' Remus said with a raised voice. 'The point is that you weren't happy with me. The point is that you thought someone else - a girl - could do better.'

'She couldn't.'

Remus turned around, bewildered. He'd rarely felt this lost for words.

*

Remus spent the rest of the day thinking about what Sirius had said. He'd said he regretted breaking up with him and that he would be waiting for him, that it didn't matter if he was planning on coming back or not. He'd be waiting anyway, he'd said.

When Emmeline tried to kiss him again that night, Remus averted his face without fully realising what this meant.

'We've been through this before,' she said with a sigh, slumping in her seat. 'You broke up with Sirius. We were going to give it a try.'

It sounded so much like a task or an exam question, it nearly made Remus choke.

'I told you, Sirius broke up with me,' he corrected again, 'and I'm still not sure that means I'm not gay anymore.'

'It should,' Emmeline said sharply. 'You like me, I like you. I can't see the problem here.'

'I just told you what the problem is.' Remus was annoyed. Women. 'I still like men.'

'I've never seen you look at any guy as if you were interested,' she huffed.

'Well, then I just still like Sirius,' Remus retorted and he Apparated to Sirius's apartment, hoping he'd be waiting.