cut here, 3/3
9.
Jared groans as he wakes up and slowly drags himself into consciousness, feeling like he's in hell. Actually, that's a lie, he feels worse than that, he just doesn't know the word for it. But it feels like he's been turned inside out, hauled over broken glass and then only half turned back - all messed up and useless.
Jesus Christ, what the hell did he drink last night? Whatever it is, he's never having it ever again.
He sits up slowly and tries to ignore the pounding in his head or the turning of his stomach. At first he thinks there's something wrong with his eyes too, because the walls are definitely not the color he painted them when he moved in. But when he blinks a few times, he realizes that, no, it's not his eyes. The walls have actually turned green overnight. Perhaps it's the paint fumes he's high on.
Man, if this is an Extreme Make-over, it's the quickest and lousiest edition he's ever seen. And they could've just sent him to a spa instead of giving him alcohol poisoning.
He tries to get up, out of bed, but very quickly changes his mind. The throbbing in his head gets so bad he can actually hear it.
Just then he gets a text. He rolls over slowly towards the nightstand and grabs his cell. It's from Mike.
YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE. HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Jared calls him back immediately, if only to get a bit of an explanation of what went on last night, but Mike doesn't answer. So he just leaves a message on his voice mail.
'Hey Mike,' he says, and he only then notices his throat's dry, as if he's been screaming or crying. 'Look, man, I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm pretty sure you've got a good reason for being angry. So for whatever it is I did, I'm real sorry, man. Just, don't ever let me drink again. I don't know what I've been up to, but my walls are now green all of a sudden, and I'm pretty sure I don't like it. See you around. Hopefully.'
He calls in sick to work a few minutes later, and is left staring at his phone for a while after Francine basically laughs at him and says they weren't expecting him in ever again. It's not that he's never been fired before, but never so rudely or suddenly and never from a job that he was actually good at. He was the one that quit, usually.
But whatever, he's got a day of nothing ahead of him, and that's probably a good thing, since he's pretty sure the toilet bowl will be his best friend today. He flops back down on the bed and is asleep before his head even hits the pillow.
*
When Jared said he'd never drink ever again, he might have been exaggerating. Surely, in some circumstances, drinks are justified and even mandatory. Like when you walk through your own apartment that doesn't even look like it's yours anymore because the walls have suddenly changed color, and you discover that half your stuff is missing. Or when the half that you do have in said apartment, is comprised of stuff that you don't even remember buying or making. There are paintings that he must have painted just a couple of weeks ago that are completely foreign to him - but he recognizes his autograph, sees that the same paint is still on his brushes, so he knows they're his.
That's not even the worst part. The worst was without a doubt when he got up to vomit, passed a mirror and didn't even recognize himself. He doesn't know exactly when he last dyed his hair, and he doesn't know what color he chose, but he's pretty sure it can't have washed out already. Yet there he was, with plain, boring, floppy brown hair hanging drearily down to his ears. Like he wasn't nauseous enough to start with.
So yeah, saying that Jared needs a drink is an understatement. He's not even ashamed about it.
That's why he's in the Irish pub a couple blocks down. Jared's life isn't regular, he doesn't repeat anything - not actions, not words, not himself - and he likes it that way. But this Irish pub, Jared doesn't know why, it just draws him in every time. There's something about it that just feels a tiny bit like home to him. And he really likes Guinness and this is the only place in the city that knows how to serve it properly.
It's also a great place for hanging out on your own when you don't want to be bothered, which is exactly what Jared is looking for, right now, just a few hours to unwind and to try and remember everything that passed in the last twenty-four hours.
But he can feel someone's eyes burning into his back, and he has been feeling it for a while. When he turns around to look for the culprit, ready to tell them off for ruining his me-time, he has to back into the bar so he wouldn't be chest to chest with the guy. He's that close. Although, honestly, Jared wouldn't mind, he's pretty good-looking. He's quite tall and blond with blue eyes that sparkle mischievously. He's wearing a white shirt and black slacks and Jared's pretty sure he's got a fantastic body underneath. The guy flashes him a lazy grin.
'So, what do you think?' he asks.
Jared's taken aback for a moment. 'Er,' he stammers, leaning into the bar still. It's starting to hurt where the wood is digging into his skin. 'About what?'
'The music,' the guy answers, as if it's obvious.
'It's okay, I guess?' Jared shrugs. 'Everyone likes U2, I suppose.'
'Absolutely. Not good for dancing, though,' he says and laughs. He holds out his hand for Jared to shake. 'Chad. Chad Michael Murray.'
'Jared,' he says and smiles back. 'That's quite a mouthful.'
'That's not the only thing about me that is,' Chad tells him and winks. Before Jared even has a chance to be slightly embarrassed by that comment, he's already changed the subject. 'I like your hair, man.'
'My hair?' he asks, one hand automatically reaching up to touch it. 'You do?'
'Yeah.' He pulls a face as if it should've been obvious. 'It's a great color on you. It's awesome.'
'Thanks, I think,' he says hesitantly. 'It's just my natural color.'
'It's great,' Chad says again. 'Can I get you a drink?'
'Sure.' Jared nods. 'Another Guinness, if that's alright.'
'One Guinness, coming up.' He winks again before moving away to order. As he does, he calls out, 'Don't run away from me once I get it, though.'
This guy is really weird and something about him just strikes Jared as off - as if he's reading out words in a script and trying too hard. But hey, he's great to look at and Jared wouldn't really mind seeing what else is quite a mouthful about him, if he has to be honest about it.
10.
Jared does find out (Chad was not exaggerating) - he finds out a lot more about him too. The morning after, they exchanged phone numbers and before Jared even made it home, Chad called him to ask him out again.
He doesn't normally do this, doesn't like doing it, because people get attached and he doesn't. He doesn't stay around, he moves on once he's bored and he doesn't want to explain all that to Chad. But they had a good night, and there's something really endearing about how hard he's trying to get Jared's attention, he just doesn't have the heart to say no.
So they meet up again. And again. And again. And before Jared's even understood what's going on, he's pretty much in a relationship with him. It's not that he doesn't feel the need to move away or go for a change. But Chad keeps coming up with trips and films and books. Everything he does and says is just all so very tailored to Jared's interests - to Jared's life - that it's really hard to say goodbye.
It's never really perfect, though. Jared can't help but notice how the details are never right, like he buys him hair-dye, but it's the wrong brand and the wrong color. He gets blank canvasses but they're the wrong size. He's nearly ecstatic when Jared shows him his big red Buddha statue, but when Jared asks if he's interested in religion, he rolls his eyes. They're small things, he knows, but he has to try really hard to look past them. Jared supposes it's a self-preservation thing, that he's looking for a reason to leave and perhaps that should be reason enough. But on the other hand, it seems this guy knows enough to keep him intrigued, and that's never happened before either.
And even if he doesn't really feel as passionately about Chad as he seems to do about him, he can't really let this one go, can he?
*
Sandy seems to think he can, and she reminds him of that fact as often as she can. Even as she's lying on the ethnic bean bag that Chad bought him yesterday. He bought matching chairs, as well, and he cleaned up the apartment, all the while saying he didn't want Jared to live in such a hazardous, messy place. Jared doesn't know how he feels about that.
'I just don't like him, Jared,' she says with a shrug, like she hasn't said it a million times before.
'I know you don't,' he tells her, annoyed. 'If you would explain why, then maybe we'd get somewhere.'
'I can't -' she starts to say, but then she closes her mouth, shoulders sagging and looks at him. He just looks right back until she starts talking again. She sounds calm and defeated, now. 'He just, he reminds me of someone I used to know. And not in a good way.'
'Someone you didn't like?' Jared asks, sitting up straight now, every hint of irritation forgotten. If someone's hurt Sandy without him knowing about it, it's high time that changed.
'No, not at all,' she says quickly. 'It's someone I liked very much, actually. Chad just seems like a cheap knock-off of him.'
'So you're saying I should dump him because you knew someone a while back that you liked better?' Jared asks, frowning. 'That's crazy, San, you never think anyone is good enough. I'd stay single forever if it was for you.'
'Come on, Jared. Are you seriously planning on staying with him for the rest of your life?' She looks at him expectantly, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. 'Why do you want to stay with him so bad? Are you in love with him?'
'In love?' Jared repeats, almost shocked. He hadn't even thought about it, but now he is, he thinks it's safe to say that no, he does not love Chad Michael Murray. There's just something about him that makes him feel wary and charmed at the same time. Eventually, he goes with, 'He's - he's intriguing.'
'Lots of people are intriguing in this world,' Sandy counters immediately. 'Doesn't mean you have start a relationship with all of them. I just feel like you're wasting your time with this guy. He's a bit too slick and too accommodating and really, he creeps me the fuck out.'
Jared can't help laughing. 'Jesus, San. I'm never gonna find anyone if you keep judging them like this. I'm sure there isn't anyone on the planet that pleases the both of us.'
'I'm sure that there is,' she says solemnly and Jared gets the feeling there's more to that statement than she's telling him. She looks quiet and sad for a moment. 'There is a guy out there for you, I know that. I just hope you find him. But to be honest, I'm not sure you'd recognize him if he punched you in the face.'
Jared laughs again, but he's not so convinced this is funny anymore. He doesn't forget about their conversation, at all, and keeps mulling it over even days later. Surely Sandy was speaking hypothetically?
11.
'Y'all ready?' he asks by way of greeting when Tom opens the door. Honestly, he was pretty surprised to get their call. It had been a while since he'd heard from either him or Mike, but he's glad they invited him. 'I think Chad's already waiting for us at the bar.'
Tom gestures at him to wait before darting up the stairs. 'Just gotta - one sec!'
'So Chad's coming?' Mike asks, propping up the collar on his shirt. He looks like a douche and he's going to stand out in the pub they're going to, but Jared doesn't tell him. He gave that up a long time ago.
'Yep,' Jared says, letting himself in since no one's asking. 'We've been dating for a while. It's about time you got to know him.'
'You like him that much?' Tom asks, coming down and putting on his blazer.
Jesus Christ, have these men ever been to an Irish pub? They're going to look ridiculous. 'He's great. We have a lot of fun together,' Jared shrugs, but he can't ignore how the hairs at the back of his neck are standing on end as he says it. 'He took me to the Burning Man festival last week, it was amazing. I have no idea how he knew I always wanted to go.'
Tom and Mike exchange glances quickly, like they're worried about something. Mike forces a smile and Tom says, 'That's great, Jay,' in a voice that's just as convincing as the expression on Mike's face.
'What is it?' Jared asks, frowning. 'Something wrong?'
'No, not at all,' Mike says hesitantly. 'Just, don't - You haven't known this Chad that long. Don't get carried away.'
'Man. Not you guys too. Sandy's been giving me hell over this.'
They don't reply, Mike just shrugs and gives him a look that clearly says he thinks Sandy's right.
'Listen, when do I ever get carried away?' Jared says finally, and then sighs heavily. 'It's good for now. I'm not saying we should start planning the wedding or anything, but it's good for now. And I hate weddings anyway.'
'Er,' Tom says, looking confused. 'Like you hated ours?'
'Your what?' Jared has no idea what he's talking about.
'Our wedding?'
'You guys are married?' Jared asks. Mike just throws him a look that says he's clearly unimpressed and then points at a big photo of him and Tom on the wall, both of them in tuxedo's, laughing at the camera happily. Jared shakes his head. 'Yeah. Of course you are. Sure. I don't know how that slipped my mind.'
Tom runs a hand over his face and sighs deeply. 'God, you were there, Jared, you actually took that damn photo. Seems like these days, the only two people who remember anything about it is me and Mike.'
'I'm not sure I know what that means,' Jared says, puzzled.
'You know what, I'm sorry,' Tom says, not looking him in the eyes. 'I'm not feeling it, I don't want to go out anymore. You guys go ahead and have fun.'
*
It seems that Tom and Mike really are married, because the moment Tom said he wasn't coming along, Mike decided to stay home, as well. So that just leaves him and Chad, who was already waiting for him in the Irish pub.
It's an okay night - Chad lets him do most of the talking and God knows Jared's really good at it, but he can't help but think that it would've been a lot more fun if Tom and Mike had been there. Not only because they're just as good at storytelling as he is, but also because he hasn't really seen them ever since the wall-painting-incident and he feels like they've been weird around him ever since. He'd really like a chance to make up for any and all stupid things he's done - and they were probably many.
When Chad suggests getting them some more drinks, Jared gladly offers to go up to the bar. To be honest, he's glad to be away from Chad's idolizing looks and admiring glances. He has no idea why he keeps looking at Jared like he's the second coming, but it's really starting to freak him out. It's good to know he's being appreciated, but this is just bordering on the absurd.
As he's walking, his eyes scan over the people by the bar. He knows a few of them, has seen them around here before, but there's a couple of new faces in there, as well. One in particular nearly stops Jared dead. There's a guy leaning heavily onto the counter, looking at an empty whiskey-glass like it has all the answers. He's dressed in a dark blue suit, white shirt underneath and he's looking just slightly disheveled - five o'clock shadow on his face, hair slightly messed up, clothes a bit wrinkly as they could only get from sitting behind a desk all day. With pretty much everyone around him wearing a t-shirt or a sweater and jeans, he doesn't fit into the scenery at all - just like Tom and Mike would have done. He clashes with it even, but Jared's pretty sure that even if you put him into a room with a million other people wearing exactly the same clothes, he's still stand out. This guy looks like he's been carved out of marble, and even that's selling him short.
He looks up and their eyes meet for a moment. Jared can almost feel his muscles melt as a bolt of electricity races through his body. That he doesn't collapse right then and there is a miracle in itself.
He winds up standing right next to the man, mouth already dry with just the idea of being so close to him, of being able to talk to him if he wanted it. He glances at him again and the guy nods uncomfortably. That's when it hits Jared that he's standing alone in a pub that he clearly doesn't belong in. If he feels as awkward as he looks, he's probably not gonna hate it if someone talked to him. And he'll be damned if he's going to give anyone else a chance to do it - he can ignore the nerves.
So he turns around and starts talking, hoping that only he can hear the quiver in his voice. 'Dude, I hope you don't mind me saying, but you look a bit out of place, here.'
The guy looks at Jared, eyebrows raised, like he's clearly unimpressed. But then his shoulders sag and he sighs. 'Like a sore thumb, man. I have no idea why I'm in here, to be completely honest with you. I just saw the sign and I'd run in before I even realized what I was doing. I don't even like Guinness.'
'Tough luck,' Jared says with a smile and promptly orders two pints. 'You can't not drink it when you're in an Irish pub.'
'So I've been told,' he says with a nod. He takes Jared in for a moment, before taking a deep breath and offering his hand. 'I'm Jensen.'
'Jared,' he says and shakes it. He can't help smiling as he feels their fingers slide together - they're warm and soft, just a bit smaller than his so they fit perfectly. 'So how are you liking this joint so far.'
'I expected the music to be better,' Jensen says. He sips his beer and licks a bit of foam off his lips. It's obscene. 'Brings back bad memories.'
'I don't think I know this song. Or the band. Who're they?' Jared asks, trying to focus on the music.
'You're kidding, you don't know who this is?' Jensen asks incredulously, pointing at one of the speakers near them.
'Can't say I do,' Jared confirms. He wonders briefly if Jensen's going to be disappointed in him, but then he remembers that he didn't like the song and that that's how they got on this subject in the first place. 'But I suppose I should be happy about that?'
'No, really, you don't know who the Bangles are?' he asks again, green eyes big and wide. 'You're not yanking my chain.'
'Never heard of 'em. Are they big?'
'They used to be,' Jensen answers. He can tell he's still not convinced he's not joking. "Walk like an Egyptian", "Eternal Flame", doesn't ring a bell?'
'Nope. Doesn't really sound like the kind of music I'd enjoy, either,' Jared says and shrugs.
'That's something I can only approve of,' Jensen says with a smile and raises his glass in a toast. 'So you come here often?'
A while later, he's still talking to Jensen. He's got a hard time believing he's managing to string sentences together with this guy so close to him, let alone being able to interest him long enough to talk to him for ten minutes straight. But now that he's got Jensen's attention, he's willing to do pretty much anything to keep it.
'Jay,' he hears, as Chad suddenly shows up next to him, one hand sliding down over his back. 'I was starting to wonder what was taking you so long.'
To be honest, he'd completely forgotten Chad was still waiting for him - or that he was in the pub at all. Jared wants to shrug him off and say something about it, but the way Chad's face falls when he lays eyes on Jensen distracts him. He looks like he's seen a ghost, pale, mouth open and eyes wide as saucers. Jensen's clearly confused, too, his eyes dart from Jared to Chad and back, like he's hoping to find an explanation on their faces.
'Are you okay?' Chad asks Jensen eventually. Jared wants to groan in embarrassment. What the hell kind of question is that?
'I was just about to ask you the same thing,' Jensen remarks, frowning.
'I mean, can I help you?' Chad asks again.
This time, Jared does moan. 'Hey, you wanna do something crazy?' he asks Jensen, ignoring Chad.
Jensen looks at him, face straight, but somehow, Jared can tell he's fighting a smile. 'Like what?'
'I don't know, just something you'd never do,' he says and shrugs. 'Let's just get out of here and see what the world's got in store for us tonight.'
'Sounds tempting,' Jensen says, smile finally breaking through, 'but I'm good right here.'
'Sure, but you'll be better out there,' he says and drags Jensen with him by his sleeve without waiting for an answer.
Chad doesn't call after him.
*
They end up in an abandoned playground, lying on an old rickety merry-go-round that squeaks loudly as they slowly spin around, watching the stars. Not quite as adventurous as Jared had hoped they'd be - he'd tried to get onto a train to the beach, or wanted to drive up to Lake Tahoe - but apparently, this was big enough for Jensen.
'Really?' he'd asked as Jared jumped the fence. 'Jared, we might get tetanus.'
Jared had just laughed and walked on and thankfully, Jensen had only sworn once and then followed him.
'We're not supposed to be inhere, you know,' Jensen says quietly after they've been looking at sky for a while.
'We're not,' Jared admits and then points up, 'but then we wouldn't have seen this.'
Jensen doesn't say anything, he just nods and keeps his eyes focused on the heavens. 'It's beautiful,' he says and sighs. 'I haven't seen stars in so long. I'm always looking straight ahead, never up.'
'I never look ahead,' Jared tells him without thinking.
'I can tell.' Jensen laughs and Jared can't help but join him.
They didn't speak much, not for hours on end. They didn't need to. Just lying there, occasionally putting a foot on the ground to keep them spinning around, and looking - at the stars, at the birds, at each other. And when they felt like it, they talked for a while - not about important things, just silly things, random questions that Jared likes to come up with: if you could be a fruit, which would you be? If you could choose between always being hot or always being cold, what would you choose? What do you think the world would be like if we didn't have religion?
Jensen pretty much never finds an answer, can't ever choose between one thing or another without listing the positives and negatives of each and by the time he's done it, Jared's long bored with that question and he's come up with another. Sometimes they just share a story, something that happened to them, or that they'd like to happen to them or that they wish would've never happened to them - but it's never really deep, never really personal. It's just comfortable and easy and, just, nice.
They don't leave until the sky is starting to turn pink and the stars have long faded away. Jensen nearly falls asleep in the car on the way home, even though it's just a couple of minutes driving to his place. They say goodnight and goodbye, but they don't kiss, don't even touch and they don't exchange numbers.
This will just have to be enough, because Jared isn't. Not for Jensen.
12.
Dinner at Chad's. It feels weird.
Even weirder than it did before. They didn't even talk about the fact that Jared pretty much ditched him in the pub that night. Chad just acts as if nothing even happened, as if it's okay for Jared to treat him like that and it pisses him off.
The more he thinks about it, the more time he spends in Chad's company, the more he feels the need to get out. His skin is literally itching with unease, like it's time for him to shed it and break free of whatever's holding him down.
Chad doesn't notice. He never notices and Jared doesn't understand how a guy that knows his taste and his hobbies and interests better than Jared himself knows them, doesn't even have the faintest idea that something is decidedly wrong between the two of them.
'How's the chicken?' he asks, already prodding his fork in a piece of meat to try himself.
'It's good,' Jared says, quietly and reluctantly. God, even Chad's voice is irritating now.
'Why don't you tell me again about the blue pearly slippers you brought back from Thailand?' he asks, still chewing on the chicken he stole from Jared's plate. 'I always love to hear you tell stories, even if I know only half of what you say is true.'
'I don't really feel like talking a lot,' Jared bites out.
'Oh, come on,' Chad pleads. He takes out the bottle of wine and refills Jared's glass, as if that might change his mind. 'Just one story.'
'I'm just not in the mood right now, okay?' Jared says, swiping a hand through his hair.
'What's wrong, Sasquatch?' he asks, trying to make eye-contact.
'Don't!' The nickname just makes him snap and jump up from the table. 'Don't call me that.'
'Why not?' Chad asks and shrugs, getting up as well. 'I love that you're tall. I love all of you.'
Even though he's not the one that's spoken, the words leave a bitter taste in his mouth. He can't say exactly why it makes his blood boil, he just knows that it's wrong. It's like a song that's been heavily autotuned: it's not off key, but it not right at all and it hurts to listen to.
'Just. God. Stop it,' Jared manages to stutter eventually. 'Stop saying things like that. Stop agreeing with me all the time and stop saying things you think I will like. Jesus.'
'You don't like it?' he asks, as if he really can't believe, as if the idea hadn't even entered his mind. 'But I love you and I accept you for who you are. I don't think my life will make sense without you and your mess.'
'What mess?' Jared asks, panicking slightly. There's just something so fundamentally wrong about the way Chad talks to him, it's actually starting to scare him. 'You cleaned it all up! Do you even know what you're saying?'
'Sasquatch,' he whines and takes a step closer to him. Jared automatically takes a step back.
'I can't -' he pants, still edging away from Chad. 'I can't do this.'
Before he's even finished the sentence, he's out of the apartment and he doesn't stop running until he's made it to his car.
*
'Do I sound like a creepy stalker when I say that I was hoping to find you here?' a voice asks from behind him. He's sitting at the bar in the Irish pub, drinking whatever the barkeep is willing to offer him, and going over everything that happened - the mess he's made.
A shiver runs down his spine as he hears it. He thinks of Chad and feels his lip curl, but when he turns around, it's not Chad standing there. It's Jensen.
'Hi,' is all Jared can think of saying.
'Hi,' Jensen echoes. He's standing about three feet away, looking like he's reluctant to get even an inch closer. He seems nervous. After a moment of tracing an invisible line on the floor with his toe, he clears his throat and says, 'Look, I just want to take you out.'
Jared wants to smile and punch the air, because this is Jensen - he's gorgeous and nice, really nice, and Jared hasn't done a thing to deserve him, but that's what's stopping him too. After what happened with Chad - who was almost too nice to him, who tried to accept him so much he completely lost himself while doing it - Jared just doesn't think he's cut out to be in any kind of relationship. Especially not with someone like Jensen who seems so genuine and open - and therefore easy to hurt.
'I get it, man,' Jared says, shaking his head. 'I seem different and I did something new and exciting for you, but I'm telling you, I'm nothing but trouble. I'm not gonna save you from your monotonous life - in fact, you're probably going to have to do most of the saving. I'm just trying to find my way and failing spectacularly at it, to be honest. And you're gonna get mean because you think I'm not doing anything with my life and I'll probably turn tail and run first chance I get.'
Jensen seems to consider it for a minute, but then he finally looks up, right into Jared's eyes. He'll never get used to how bright and green they are. 'Okay,' he says.
'Okay?' Jared repeats, confused. He must look really weird, because Jensen just bursts out laughing.
Jared can't help the feeling of hope bubbling up inside him. He's given that speech maybe a million times before, and every single time, the guy backed away slowly or made up a stupid excuse to get the hell out of there. Jensen didn't bat an eye, and he doesn't even know anything about Jared.
He doesn't understand, really, why Jensen would be okay with this. He doesn't even understand why he listened to him rant in the first place. But perhaps that's all it takes: this one guy who can take his meltdowns, who can call him on his bullshit if he needs it. Perhaps this Jensen is not one of those guys that needs him for fixing, but the one who can fix him. It's something he wants to believe in so much, it makes his stomach turn, but there's just something about Jensen that makes him think he actually can.
Jared starts laughing too, leaning in closer to Jensen, who does the same, and says, 'Okay.'
part two * masterpost