cut here, 2/3

[harwhon]

6.

The meeting with Morgan slips his mind pretty quickly, or at least his offer does. Jared wants to keep Jensen close, in every way he can. He wants to preserve what Jensen killed, try and save at least some parts of their relationship. He owes Jensen that. He firmly believes that.

Until he passes Jensen in the street. His eyes travel over Jared like they do over passing cars and advertisements: looking but never really seeing. He doesn't take anything about him in. Jared has to stop and lean against a building when he's passed him, take a moment to clench his jaws and bite back the tears - give himself a moment to remember that Jensen forgot.

Part of him wants nothing more than to run after him and strike up conversation. If it means he can talk to Jensen again, if this means that maybe they have another shot to do better this time, Jared will gladly pretend he doesn't know Jensen at all. He's just about to actually do it when he notices where Jensen is going.

He stops at a coffee shop, just a few buildings down the road. A guy that's been sitting outside with a news paper calls for him and gets up. He's got brown hair and big lips and eyes that Jared can even tell from a distance are blue. He's wearing a Marvin the Martian t-shirt. Jared doesn't know him, but he doesn't like him at all. Jensen seems to, though. He smiles at him, the way he used to smile at Jared and they kiss on the mouth.

Jared didn't even think there was anything left in him to break, but something does and he's not sure if it's all his bones or his spirit or his sanity or all of the above. He just turns around and walks straight over to Lacuna.

The secretary recognizes him. Her face - that was friendly and smiley just a few seconds ago, even though she was on the phone - falls immediately when she sees him: her jaws clench and her eyes narrow just slightly.

'Can I help you or are you going to storm into the doctor's office again?' she bites out.

'I'm sorry about that,' Jared says quietly. He gets that she's angry about it. 'I'd like to talk to doctor Morgan, if that's okay.'

She seems somewhat mollified by his apology and looks down in her diary. 'Do you have an appointment?'

'No, I,' Jared clears his throat. 'I kind of just - I was in the neighborhood.'

'Can't see him without an appointment,' she says simply, doesn't even bother looking up again.

'Yeah, okay, then if you'd like to make me one,' he tries, 'The doctor said he'd treat me for free. Is there anything I'd have to sign?'

'For free?' she asks, head snapping up. 'You're kidding, right?'

'No, that's what he said,' Jared says, jabbing a thumb in the direction of Morgan's office. 'Maybe he's changed his mind, I don't know.'

'I'll go check that first, if you don't mind,' she tells him haughtily. 'You can wait in the lounge, right around the corner.'

'Sure, thanks,' he says softly and muffs over to the little white armchairs.

There's quite a couple of people waiting, apparently. One woman is crying, dabbing at her face with a handkerchief as she keeps looking at a photo of twins. There's a man with a box in front of him that has a birdcage sticking out over the edges.

A guy passes by, looks right at Jared. To be polite, he nods at him, which makes the guy stop in his tracks. He's in a navy polo-shirt with yellow letters on it that say Lacuna. He's also wearing a silk golden scarf, casually draped over his shoulders, and a look on his face as if he's continually squinting at something. Jared can tell he works out, but even so, he's not particularly buff or well-built. He's got blond spiky hair and tiny beady eyes that Jared still can't really see, even though he's pretty much standing right in front of him now.

'Hey,' the guy says and smiles lazily.

'Hi,' Jared says and nods again.

The guy doesn't move. He shoves his hands in his pockets, which are only about a foot from Jared's face and keeps looking at him. Jared awkwardly picks up one of the magazines on the table next to him, hoping the guy will take a hint and leave.

'I'm Chad,' he tells him like it's supposed to make a big impression on Jared. 'I'm the tech.'

'Okay,' he says. 'I'm Jared.'

'Hi there, Jared,' Chad says cheerfully. 'You here for the procedure?'

'I think so, yes,' Jared answers, trying to keep his eyes from looking straight ahead.

'Great.' Chad leans in closer, a grin on his face. 'That means we get to spend a night together.'

'Excuse me?' Jared chokes out.

'When I erase your memories,' he says and winks at him.

'Mister Padalecki,' Danneel calls into the lounge, 'doctor Morgan will see you now.'

'Thanks,' he says and squeezes past Chad. Jared's never been so happy to be called into a doctor's office before.

*

'I want it done,' Jared says, ignoring how nervous and nauseous he feels. 'I want Jensen removed.'

'That's okay - that's good,' doctor Morgan says and he smiles at Jared.

'Why is that good?' Jared asks, perturbed. 'There's nothing good about this, I'm asking you to brain damage me because I cannot live with the emotional baggage I've got. How is that good?'

'It's good, mister Padalecki,' Morgan says calmly, linking his hands and resting them on his desk, 'because the procedure is already in process.'

'What?' Jared can't possibly describe the cold chill that settles over him at the words. It's like he's got ice water in his veins, all of a sudden, and like his heart is beating too loud and too hard and it's hurting him with every beat. But he can't move, he's literally frozen in his seat. Finally, he manages to choke out, 'That can't be, that's impossible.'

'I can assure you it is not. You don't remember it, because it has already been wiped off your hard drive, but you have given us all the details about your relationship with Jensen Ackles. You have left us your notes, his letters, your paintings and everything else that might remind you of him or of what you had together,' Morgan goes on, like nothing is wrong - like they aren't messing with Jared's brain at this exact moment. 'The memories have to be played again to be erased. This is simply a representation of the memory we're pulling out of your head right this instant. It feels real, because you're reliving it, mister Padalecki, but I can assure you it is not. You would, for instance, not be able to go outside or talk to anyone but me, because you didn't do it at the time the memory was created.'

'Then how do you explain this?' Jared asks, still hoping it is not true, even if some part of him realizes it has to be. 'I'm sure this conversation didn't take place exactly as we're having it now. I'm sure you never told me before I'm having my memories wiped.'

'That's true, but the memory is a fantastically complicated thing. It doesn't always record everything exactly as it happened. It creates its own image, based on facts, but also on the feelings that person is having at that time and the thoughts that are running through their head,' Morgan explains. 'It's partly that, and partly your brain trying to make sense of what is happening, trying to justify and interpret the invasion and erasure.'

'So right now, Chad is playing operation with my memories?' Jared asks again, just to be entirely sure. He hasn't even finished the question when he notices something has changed just at the edges of his vision. When he turns his head to look at it, it's still at the edge, like it's gone fuzzy, all of a sudden, like he's looking through a fish eye lens.

He turns towards Morgan again, still wants to get confirmation from him, but this time, his attention goes to the book case behind the doctor. All the titles of the books are slowly disappearing, slowly turning white and empty, one book after the other.

'I don't think I have to answer that,' Morgan says pleasantly.

Jared feels his stomach turn. Why did he let himself do this? Why did he think he wanted to do this, for Christ sake? They're in his head - it's never a good idea to let someone into your head! There are other ways to forget, he could have gone to the bar and drink beer and whiskey chasers until Jensen had drifted out of thoughts on a steady current of alcohol. It would've been less of a hassle, less unfamiliar. And safer too, probably.

'Actually,' Morgan says, as if Jared's just spoken, 'this treatment is on par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you haven't done before.'

They're reading his mind now too?

'We are your mind,' Morgan clarifies. 'We're the images your mind is using to protect yourself and explain things to you, so it's only logical -'

But Jared doesn't hear the end of that sentence, he's already running out of the office, running and looking for a toilet, because he's most definitely going to be sick.




7a.

Jared is going to be sick. He bursts into the apartment, so angry he could break something.

'Jensen!' he yells. 'Jensen!'

'What? What is it?' Jensen hurries out of the kitchen, looking worried.

'What the hell is this?' he asks, as he digs into his bag and pulls out a black, sleek book.

Jensen gives him a look, as if he's gone mad. 'It's an organizer,' he says slowly, like Jared might not understand if he talked faster. 'It's a diary and address book and other stuff in one. It's really easy and color-coded. You could make it match your hair.'

'It's not funny, Jensen. You didn't even have to talk it over with me before putting it in my bag?' Jared spits. He's so angry, he can't even keep still. He has to pace all over the living room, just so he won't hurl the damn thing into one of Jensen's ridiculous art deco vases.

'I didn't think it was that big a deal.' Jensen shrugs. 'If you don't like it, throw it away, I was just trying to help.'

'That's not helping, Jensen. That's trying to change me,' he says angrily, pointing at him. He knows it's true - and Jensen has to know, as well. There's no denying it now. He's been waiting for Jensen to finally crack underneath Jared's chaos, he knew it was only a matter of time. He just can't quite believe Jensen would put the evidence in his shoulder bag. 'You know I don't live my life that way and that I don't want to. Didn't stop you. Because I don't quite fit into your life the way you'd planned it, do I? I was never quite what you pictured.'

'God, are we back here again?' Jensen rolls his eyes. 'Amazingly, a whole week has passed since you've accused me of not loving you for who you are. I'm out of arguments, Jared. You've heard them all before and clearly you don't think they're good enough.'

'Then find a good one now,' he bites out. It's not pleading if he sounds angry. 'Why are you still here? And don't say it's because you love me, because it's obvious that you don't.'

Jensen doesn't answer, he just shakes his head and lets his shoulders sag. He looks defeated and sad and Jared realizes that, somehow, but he can't care at the moment. Jensen should feel just as hurt as he does.

'I'll tell you why you're still here,' he hisses. He's not even thinking anymore, he's just letting the words pour out of his mouth. 'It's because you hate your miserable life and you wanna be around someone who's even more miserable than you.'

'Jared, what the hell?' Jensen's eyes are wide in astonishment, hands held up in a silent plea.

'And you believe that if you can fix me, you will feel better too, but guess what, Jensen. I'm not gonna make your life better,' Jared continues without hesitating. 'I'm not one of your little projects. I'm not something you can change and fix. I'm a person and this is who I am.'

'That's your excuse for everything, Jared!' Jensen yells back. 'Every time you hear something you don't like, that's what you come up with. You're like a child!'

'Excuse me?'

'I've been doing nothing but excuse you, I'm sick and tired of it. I keep trying to get you to understand that I care about you and that I really want to be with you, but every time I think I'm close, you pull away, no matter what I say or do. And you know why? Because you can't believe that I love you when you can't even love yourself.'

'I'm perfectly fine with who I am, you're the one with the issues.'

'Oh, right, that's me,' Jensen spits, sarcasm dripping from his voice. 'I'm the one who keeps dyeing my hair, trying to look different every day, trying to reinvent myself because I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. That's all me.'

He doesn't say anything to that, just stares at Jensen as if he's lost the ability to speak. And for a moment, he really has. He can't believe what he's just heard, what Jensen's just said to him. Of all people. 'You have no idea what you're talking about,' he says, voice shaking with emotion.

'Because you never tell me anything! You never open up!'

'And you do?'

'I share as much as I can, Jared, but it has to be a two-way street, because this isn't working.'

'I remember why,' Jared says, grabs his bag and leaves.




7b.

He remembers this. It fills him with dread and longing and sadness, all at once.

If there's one thing he gets to keep, only one memory - only one second of Jensen that won't be erased from his hard drive, he wants this to be it. He wants to yell it at Morgan, just beg to keep this, only this and then he'll never ask for another thing again - but he doesn't want to wake Jensen.

Jensen is magnificent - all the time, always, but especially now, when he's lying in bed next to Jared, still fast asleep. His face is half hidden in his pillow, hair sticking up at odd ends, mouth slightly parted and freckles standing out sharply because of the sunlight filtering through Jared's grimy and half-open windows. He is amazing and there's no reason whatsoever why he should be with Jared right now. But as long as he is, Jared doesn't want to question it.

Doesn't mean he doesn't, though.

They don't often stay at his place, simply because there's not enough room for two people and two dogs - even after he took most of his stuff with him to Jensen's house. He moved in there a couple of months ago, so he doesn't even know why they're here now. Jensen wanted him to give it up entirely, but Jared can't. Not yet.

Jensen never actually said he doesn't like it, but Jared can tell he feels uncomfortable here, like his fingers are itching to alphabetize everything. Looking at him now, Jared can't blame him. He looks ridiculously out of place here. The apartment is eclectic and messy and loud compared to Jensen's own clean, immaculately kept house. There's beaded curtains and wooden sculptures that Jared brought back with him from his travels. None of the chairs match. The doors actually fell off some of the kitchen cupboards, so you can just look right at his plates and mugs (which don't match either) and Jared knows it bothers Jensen - half of them are on the counter anyway, because Jared can't see the use of putting everything in an open cupboard. There's no method or system to it and that's something Jensen's not used to. But he doesn't say anything. He never does - he cleans up the mess if he ever gets a chance, shows Jared that it's possible to live differently, but they both know that two days later, things are back to how they were and Jensen doesn't complain about it. He lets Jared be Jared and that's more than anyone's ever done for him.

Jensen stirs then. He sighs deeply and stretches, cracking open one eye. 'Oh God,' he groans.

Jared chuckles. He knows, distantly, that this is not real, that he's just reliving memories created about a year ago, but he feels so happy to have Jensen next to him again, he can't bring himself to care. He just wants to roll with this one, feel as happy and safe and cared for as he did that morning. He wants to remember that it can be different. 'You're up early.'

'That's because you were thinking so loudly,' Jensen says, voice raspy. 'And your eyes were burning holes into my skin.'

He stares back at Jared for a while, as if to retaliate. But he's still got one eye squeezed firmly closed and Jared can't stop himself from bursting out laughing.

'So?' Jensen asks eventually.

'So what?' Jared frowns.

'So, what was it that had the cartwheels turning so much that it woke me from my peaceful slumber?' he prompts. 'I know how you work, Sasquatch. What's bothering you?'

'It's nothing.' He waves his hand. 'You know me, I'm a morning-person. I just didn't wanna wake you by getting up.'

'That turned out well,' Jensen says accusingly, but Jared can see him fight to stop the corners of his mouth from turning up in a smile. He closes his eyes again, breath evening out quite quickly. Jensen will never get the hang of mornings.

'Do you like my apartment?' Jared asks hesitantly after a moment.

'Do you really want me to answer that?' Jensen asks in reply, not even bothering to open his eyes.

'I don't like it either, you know,' he admits eventually. He's been in bed with Jensen a million times, spent so many nights with him before, but this is the first time he really feels naked. He's never shared his apartment like this with anyone, or his life, and it's uncomfortable and awkward. 'I know it should be tidier and that I should probably get rid of half the things I've got, but this is me, you know. When I look at this place, I feel like this is me. I don't think I can change that.'

'I don't want that to change, Jared,' Jensen says, sitting up for the first time. He snuggles closer, chin resting on Jared's chest. 'I don't like this apartment because it's an accident waiting to happen. The kitchen needs replacing, the shower's been leaking from God knows how long before I first came here and the water is always freezing. I wouldn't be surprised if the glass would fall out of the window frames one of these days.'

Jared nods, but doesn't say anything. He feels sad and rejected.

'I don't like this place because I think you're paying too much for it, because I want you to be safe and not hurt yourself or burn the place down,' he says earnestly, looking him straight in the eyes. 'But the stuff you've got in here, I love it. I think it needs sorting out, just a bit, but every single thing you've got has got a story and you tell them in a way I could listen to forever.'

'It's all crap what I say,' Jared confesses and rolls his eyes. 'One half's exaggerated and the other is made up.'

'I figured that out a long time ago, Sasquatch,' Jensen says, smiling warmly at him. 'Doesn't mean I like hearing it any less.'

'You really mean that?' Jared asks, straining his neck to get even closer to Jensen.

'Would I be here if I didn't?' Jensen asks in reply and kisses him lightly on the lips. 'You are perfect, Jared. I don't think my life will ever make sense again without your messes.'

Jensen kisses him again, heartfelt and intensely. His hands slowly trace his body as he does and for a moment, Jared allows himself to believe that it's all true - that Jensen never exaggerates and never makes things up.

He pulls the sheets over their heads, smiling.




7c.

He's standing in the middle of Jensen's enormous kitchen, tea towel over his head for God knows what reason.

'In my living room? Jared?' he suddenly hears Jensen yell before he's even heard him enter the house. His voice is loud and slightly panicked. Jared's first reaction is to nearly fly out into the living room. 'Jared!'

'What? What is it?'

'There's a giant Buddha statue in my living room!' Jensen says, pointing at is, as if Jared could miss it if he didn't.

'I know, isn't it awesome?' Jared says happily. He loves the fucking thing, but his apartment is just too small to fit it anywhere. 'I found it at a flea market for like, five dollars, and then I spray painted it. I didn't mean for it to turn out so red, but for some reason, that's the only color that really stuck to the bronze.'

'Matches your hair,' Jensen says lamely, like that's the only thing he can think of saying about the statue.

'Today it does!' Jared says happily and shakes his head like a dog fresh out of water.

That seems to snap Jensen out of his stupor. 'That's great, Jared. What's it doing in my living room?'

'Well, it's mine and I put it there,' Jared says, waving the tea towel as he explains. 'Because I moved in.'

'You moved - you what?' Jensen gasps. 'Why?'

'Because you weren't gonna ask and I wasn't gonna wait for you to get a hint,' he says happily. 'I'm making dinner. Enchiladas.'

'Oh. Great,' Jensen says. He seems distracted for a moment. 'And why would I have had to ask you to move in?'

'You didn't have to ask, as you can see,' Jared says and gestures at the Buddha statue. 'But I wouldn't have minded you asking after a year and a half of some of the most serious dating I've ever done.'

'Right,' Jensen says absentmindedly and turns to look at the statue again. 'Right.'

'You sure?' Jared asks, suddenly nervous. 'You're okay with this, right? I mean, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think -'

'No, no, I-' Jensen turns back to him, shakes his head as if to clear it. Then he smiles. 'I didn't expect it, but I'm not unhappy about it. I'm actually - I think this could be great. For us.'

'Good,' Jared steps closer, one hand tugging on the tie Jensen's wearing. It's bright green - he bought it for him a couple of weeks back. Matches his eyes. 'I wouldn't have moved out anyway.'

Before they even get to kiss, Jensen suddenly steps back, frowns and asks, 'Where's my television?'

'Oh, I sold it,' Jared says and he can't stop himself from bursting into laughter when he sees the look on Jensen's face. He slaps him hard on the shoulder and laughs some more. 'Just kidding, babe. It's upstairs in one of those rooms you never use. But why would you need it when you could look at this beauty?'

'Sure, I'll - I'll learn to appreciate it, I'm sure,' Jensen says hesitantly.

The atmosphere suddenly changes and Jared feels nothing of the laughter that was coursing through his veins a few seconds ago. He feels defeated and sad, but also oddly fond of Jensen, who is trying so hard - and failing miserably - not to show him just how much he hates the Buddha. 'You never did, though, did you?'

Jensen looks up at him, not the Jensen he was talking to a second ago, but the Jensen he knows - the Jensen that hasn't left him yet, the one from before it all fell apart. The Jensen that remembers him. He sticks his hands in his pockets and shuffles his feet, as if he's embarrassed. 'Not really, no.'

'Not really?' Jared can't help but smile. 'You hated the fucking thing.'

'With a vengeance,' Jensen admits, for the first time. 'I had never laid eyes on something that ugly. And I was pretty sure I never would again.'

'Why didn't you say?' Jared asks. 'I would've gotten rid of it or put it in storage somewhere. Or moved it upstairs, God knows you've got plenty of space.'

'You loved the thing, you were so proud of it,' Jensen says and shrugs. 'I didn't have the heart to tell you.'

'You think I would've cared?' he says, raising his voice. 'I don't - what I care about is that we can talk to each other about everything. Whether it's moving in together or ginormous -'

He wants to gesture at the statue, wants to point at it to put more strength behind his words, but the thing is gone. There's just a big gaping nothing where it used to be. Jared's not even sure if he imagined that it was ever there.

'Where is it?' He rubs his eyes, blinks hard a few times, as if that would bring it back.

'Where's what?' Jensen asks, confused.

'The - the statue, it's gone,' he says, frantically.

'What statue?'

'The Buddha - the red Buddha. The one you hate,' Jared says, still staring at - well, he doesn't know what he's staring at, exactly, but it's not a red Buddha statue.

'Jared,' Jensen says calmly, but Jared can tell he's worried. 'There's nothing there. There has never been.'

'And that doesn't freak you out?' Jared asks, eyes wide with panic. 'The fact that there's a giant big gaping hole at the end of your living room?'

Jensen shrugs. 'Never really thought about it, I guess.'

'Well,' Jared starts, but then he looks around the room again and everything seems out of focus now. It's still there - the framed pictures of Jensen's family, the little league trophy he won when he was six, the handmade tapestry that Jared hung up just a few hours before - but it's blotted and vague, like he's looking at it without glasses on. And then it clicks. 'No. No no no.'

'No what?' Jensen asks. He puts a hand on Jared shoulder and that, at least, grounds him for a moment. The rest might be fading out, but Jensen's still there. For now.

'They're trying to take you from me,' Jared says, hardly getting enough air into his lungs to get out the words.

'What? Who is?' Jensen pulls a face.

'The agency - doctor Morgan and his -' Jared turns to Jensen then and looks him in the eyes. What the hell is he doing? He doesn't want to lose Jensen - how could he? Jensen is the best thing that ever happened to him. 'I'm so sorry, Jensen. I am so sorry. I was angry and hurt and I didn't know what I was doing. I-'

'Hey, hey. I'm here,' Jensen says, voice soothing and hands running over Jared's arms. 'I don't know what's freaking you out, but we'll work it out, okay. Let's just sit down and -'

'No, we can't sit down,' Jared says hastily. 'If we sit down you're gone. They're erasing you from my memory, Jensen.'

'What?' Jensen raises his eyebrows. 'Sasquatch, come on, that's -'

'I know, I know it sounds ridiculous, but seriously, that's what's happening,' he says, inspecting every corner of the room, looking for a way out or something that might at least buy them some time. 'I'll explain it to you later, but right now, we have to get out of here. This memory is about to go.'

'Okay,' Jensen says, clearly going along with it just to humor Jared. 'So what do we do?'

'I don't know, I don't know how to stop this,' Jared says, pulling his hair, and then he just starts yelling, hoping someone can hear him. 'Stop! Stop it! I don't want it anymore! I don't wanna lose -'

He stops dead when he sees that everything has lost color. The floor, the curtains, the walls, even the view outside the windows, everything; white paper and black outlines, just like a drawing that needs coloring in.

'What just happened?' Jensen asks, confused.

'You saw that, right?' Jared asks in reply. 'You noticed. That's what's happening. They take each of my memories of you and break them down, bit by bit, until there's nothing left.'

'Why? Why the hell would you let them do that?' Jensen frowns at him, throws his hands up in the air.

'You tell me, you did it first,' he says evenly.

'Oh.' Jensen sags, slumps his shoulders and drops into the couch - or what used to be the couch, at least. They're quiet for a moment, until Jensen says, 'So they're erasing your memories of me, right?'

'Yep.'

'Just those. Just the ones you have of me,' he asks, eyes wide with excitement, like there's an idea forming in his head. 'The others remain untouched, right?'

'That's what the doctor told me.' Jared sighs. 'I'm sorry, Jen, I -'

'Then hide me in one of those.' Jensen says it like it's the most logical and simple thing he's ever heard. Like it's adding two and two together. 'If they won't touch the memories I'm not in, I should be safe there, right?'

Jared smiles, runs over to Jensen and kisses him full on the lips before he thinks about it. 'That's genius. But how do we do that?'

'Just take my hand,' Jensen gets up and weaves his fingers through Jared, squeezes hard for a moment, 'and focus really hard on a time when I wasn't there.'

Jared takes another step closer, as close as he can get without pushing Jensen over, until their bodies are pressed together from top to bottom. 'I don't wanna lose you, Jensen.'

'Then let's make sure that doesn't happen,' Jensen says reassuringly. 'Now focus.'




8a.

Jared's lying in bed face smushed in his pillow and struggling for breath. He feels Jensen next to him, holding his hand and it's the strangest thing, because Jensen wasn't there. That's exactly why Jared is on his bed, in the same clothes he's worn for the past week, feeling strangely apathetic as to whether the pillow's going to choke him or not.

A cry escapes him, there are tears running down his face and into the cotton cover that smells like sweat and greasy hair and salt. He doesn't understand. He remembers waking up, attempting to take the dogs for a walk and not getting any further than the front door, then coming back up and crawling back into bed. He'd looked in the mirror on his way in and saw that his roots were showing, about a centimeter's worth of brown hair against the orange he'd dyed it a while ago. It looks ridiculous, like someone cracked open his head. He feels like it too.

'Hey, Jared,' Jensen asks suddenly, and Jared jumps up. He'd forgotten Jensen was there. Because Jensen wasn't there. 'What's all this about?'

'You,' he chokes out, but he's not sure what he means by it. 'You left.'

'No, I'm right here, Jay,' he says and he squeezes Jared's hand as if to remind him of it. 'And we're trying to keep it that way, remember?'

'No,' Jared says vehemently, 'no, you're gone, Jensen. You're not here, I'm sure of it. It's the reason why I look like a hobo. I can't even take out the dogs, for God's sake.'

Jensen's eyes dart to the kitchen-slash-living room and back to Jared. 'Speaking of, where are they?'

'They who?' Jared asks, puzzled and already turning to lie back down on the pillow. He has to lie back down, he knows it. It's all he wants, just lie down and sleep and forget all about Jensen who is - sitting right there.

What?

'Your dogs, Jared,' Jensen bites out. 'Your dogs. Remember them? Huge mutts that you share ice-cream with? Jesus, you're not having them wiped too, are you?'

'Wiped?' Jared parrots.

'Yes, like a floppy,' Jensen tells him, agitated. 'You asked some weirdo doctor to get me out of your head but neither of us actually wants that, so we're trying to stop it.'

'But you broke up with me,' Jared says quietly, unable to shake the feeling that something here is fundamentally wrong.

'Yes, that is why you wanted me out of your head,' Jensen says and leans over him. 'Any of this coming back to you?'

'Vaguely, maybe.' Jared frowns. It does kind of sound stupid enough for him to do. He squeezes his eyes closed and concentrates really hard. 'We were running. I brought you into a memory you weren't in.'

'That was the plan, yes, but I'm still in this,' Jensen says and gestures at the room. 'Not physically, but, Jesus, Jared. This is all about me.'

'Sorry.' Jared shrugs, using his dirty sleeve to wipe the tears off his face. 'When you said a time when you weren't there, this is the first thing that popped into my head.'

Jensen just looks at him, stares at him for a moment, and he looks just as heartbroken as Jared feels. 'I'm sorry too.'

'We gotta get out,' Jared says, suddenly feeling the urgency of the situation. They have to run, now, or he will lose Jensen, forever.

'We do,' Jensen agrees. 'Hide me somewhere else, somewhere not after the break-up, but like, sometime before we met. If you don't know me yet, I can't possibly be around in the memory, so that should work, right?'

'Right.' Jared nods, thinking fast. It's hard, trying to think of a time when he didn't yet know Jensen. He's been such an important and huge part of his life that Jared has to try really to remember what it had been like before him. 'Like, college? You weren't around in college.'

'Go for it,' Jensen says. He sounds nervous.

When Jared looks around, he can understand why. This memory too, is collapsing: the walls are gone, completely gone, and there's nothing beyond where they used to be. It's not black or white or grey, it's just not there, as if Jared's senses just can't pick up anything beyond where they think the walls used to be.

'You need to hurry up, Sasquatch,' Jensen presses. 'I don't think we can stick around here too long anymore.'

Jared nods, but it's easier said than done. They'll go back to his student days, fine, but he has to pick one specific memory to take Jensen into and he's being bombarded with millions of vague instances that he think might have happened when he was in college, all the while trying to remember that Jensen has to stick around, as well. He finally settles on one - knows it working when rain slowly starts drizzling into his bedroom - the moment he feels the floor disappear underneath his feet.




8b.

It's not college they end up in, but primary school. Jared hated primary school, and primary school hated him.

That's why he's standing all alone in the middle of the playground, in the pouring rain, without a hood on his jacket because it comes off with a zipper and the other kids stole it from him before recess. He's pulled his jacket over his head, but now his sweater and pants are all wet, too.

His classmates are all huddled together, wearing plastic capes, hiding underneath tiny umbrellas. He wasn't welcome to hide with them, because he was too big to fit. One of the girls, Alexis, is running around with his hood on his head, pulling it down over her eyes and yelling, 'Look how big it is! I can't even see! I bet we could all fit inhere!'

Their teacher, miss Samantha, is sweet, she's always nice to him, but she doesn't hear the others yell at him. She seems to think he's a loner and just doesn't fit into the group.

He doesn't fit in, not really. He's taller than anyone in his class. He's even taller than Toby, who plays basketball, by about a head. The doctor said he's not done growing yet, not by a long shot. And that's weird, even Jared thinks it's true. So that's why he doesn't say anything about it. He could easily go over to Alexis and pluck that hood right off her head, but he can't get angry about something that's true, right?

'Hey, Sasquatch!' Katie yells. She used to have a crush on him, back when she didn't need a chair to get to eye-level with him. But then he got that growth spurt and she got with Gabriel, who's just a bit shorter than her. 'What happened? Did you wet your pants?'

Jared looks down and sees that his jeans are soaked through at the zipper, where the water kept dripping off his jacket. He just shrugs, hopes that if he doesn't say anything they'll go away faster.

Then Jake runs past and sees the big puddle Jared's standing next to. Jared sees the yellow rubber boots on his feet and he already knows what's going to happen, but he still doesn't move. Jake jumps right in, of course, splashing rain all over him. He's sopping wet from head to toe - not a dry inch on him, not even his underwear. He feels the water slowly seep further into his clothes, feels a few drops run down his legs and into his shoes. They squish when he wiggles his toes.

'Oh wow, Sasquatch. You had to go real bad, didn't you?' Jake cackles.

Alexis comes over now too. It's slowly but surely stopped raining, so she's takes off his hood as she gets closer. 'Kept me nice and dry, Sasquatch. You can have it back now,' she says, jumping up and putting it on his head. It's inside out, so all the rain drops that were still caught on the fabric are dripping down into his hair. It itches. She doesn't let go of it, though, and because she is so much smaller than him, she pulls him right down. He loses his balance completely and falls over, right into the puddle Jake's still standing in.

At this point, it doesn't really matter anymore. He couldn't get more wet even if he jumped into a pool, so Jared thinks his chance to get angry with his classmates has long passed, as well. He just sighs.

Suddenly, there's a hand in front of him, offering help. It stops him in his tracks. Jared has never been offered a hand, not even from the older kids or the teacher. But somehow, he knows he can trust this hand, knows it's not one that's going to push him even further down, but one that will actually help him up - so he accepts it.

'They call you Sasquatch,' the boy says. Jared finally looks at him now. He seems nice, tiny freckles dusted over his cheeks that have turned pink from the cold. He's got hair that's so blond it's almost white and a bowl cut that makes him look a bit dorky. He's not tall either, but he doesn't seem to mind that Jared is.

'It's because I'm so big,' Jared tells him.

'I figured that much out for myself, funnily enough,' the boy says, and it only then hits Jared that this is Jensen, smuggled into the memory with him. 'You never told me, Jay.'

'Kids can be mean,' he says and shrugs. It's weird, he's talking to Jensen like they're them - like they're the grown-ups in the real world that loved each other, but they don't look like it, and they don't sound like it either. 'I didn't think it mattered.'

'I call you Sasquatch,' Jensen says loudly. 'Christ, Jay, I never would've done it if I knew they used to bully you around with it. I'm so sorry.'

'No,' Jared says quickly. 'I never - I liked it. You said it in a way that made me feel it was okay to be this tall, you know? It didn't sound bad at all when you said it.'

'Because it's not bad,' Jensen tells him and squeezes his hand. Jared didn't even realize he was still holding it. 'It's really good, Sasquatch.'

'Oooh,' the other kids coo as they see the two of them.

'Who's that?' Alexis yells. 'Is he your boyfriend?'

Jared smiles at her question, suddenly feeling his age - he's twenty-seven, and he's being bullied by an eight-year-old. Time to stop being ridiculous. 'Actually,' he says, towering over her. 'He is.'

He hears Jensen chuckle, but then he blinks and everyone's gone. The school's entirely abandoned, there's no one's left except for him and Jensen.

'This is not good,' Jensen says drily. 'How can they have found us again so soon?'

'I don't know, but I don't want to find out,' Jared says, already thinking hard, trying to remember another time and place he can take Jensen to.

'So where to next?' Jensen asks.

'I got it,' Jared cries out triumphantly. 'Stay close!'




8c.

'No, you have to stay close, or you'll never find your way,' Jared urges. They're trudging through the woods close to nana Padalecki's house. He loves it. He knows every inch of it by heart, since he's been exploring it ever since he was five. He knows where to find squirrels, knows the different kinds of trees there are, knows where the little pond with the tadpoles is.

'But I'm tired, Jay,' Jensen whines. They're still kids, just a little bit older. Jensen looks less dorky, Jared less lanky, but they're far from being grown-ups. Jared remembers the setting well, though, he was about thirteen at the time. 'Where are we going, anyway?'

'Just wait and see!' he calls.

After a few minutes, they stop in front of a big tree, with planks of wood nailed to the side.

'What's this?' Jensen asks, out of breath from almost running past the trees and bushes.

'It's my tree house!' Jared exclaims excitedly. 'I made it together with Jeff and my dad. It's amazing.'

The inside is not entirely as he remembers it, if he's honest. He's not sure he remembers building that bar over there. Doesn't remember putting in all the chairs, either, and he didn't really think it could hold so many people. But he's seeing it with his own eyes now, so it must be true.

And Mike and Tom are there, as well.

'Jared!' Tom yells happily, offering him a Guinness as Mike slaps him on the back. Jared almost tells him he's not old enough to drink, but really, he'd be stupid if he did, so he manages to keep quiet and hopes he doesn't look as conspicuous as he feels.

'You and Jen! A year! Who'd have guessed!' He can hear from Mike's slurring that he's had a couple of car bombs himself and he relaxes. 'I hope he got you something nice?'

'Oh,' Jared says, looks at Jensen - who's watching him calmly and intently - and looks right back down again. 'We're not - we don't really do that kind of stuff.'

'Come on, Sasquatch,' Jensen says, smiling. It seems like puberty has made his freckles stand out even more, and he wears them like no one ever could. 'You think that after that painting you made for me, I didn't have anything to give you?'

He winks as he takes one hand out of his pocket and takes out two tickets to something. He raises his eyebrows at him, waiting for an answer, but Jared can't even read what's on them. He has to take a few steps closer before he can actually see that it says Burning Man Festival.

Jared doesn't even know if he still remembers how to speak. Ever since he first heard about it, he's been wanting to go so badly, but he never really could get enough money together to make it to Nevada, let alone to afford the tickets or to even stay at the festival.

He doesn't really have tears in his eyes. Really.

'Jared honey!' a voice calls from outside, just as he's about to kiss and hug Jensen to death. 'Your auntie and uncle have just arrived! They want you to come and meet the baby!'

'The what?' Jared asks, confused. 'Who is that?'

'Er,' Jensen says, frowning. 'I think that's your mom. This clearly isn't working either, Jared. We're in two memories at once.'

Jared puts down his pint of Guinness and looks at his hands. They're not teenager hands anymore, there's paint underneath his nails and a bracelet on his right wrist that he got in Mexico, when he was twenty-four. 'I'm me,' he breathes, then looks back at Jensen - the Jensen he's always known. 'You're you.'

'They found us again,' he says dejectedly.

Jared feels they've already got rid of quite a big part of this memory. Mike's standing with his back to them, but no matter how often Jared keeps running circles around him, that never changes. All he can see is big shoulders and a bald, shiny head.

It's one of the only things that's shiny in the room, though. Outside, it seems to have gotten dark and inside the tree house, it's not much better: the wood looks dull and dirty, the counter aged, and the people in there are nothing more than shadows, colors slowly fading, together with their eyes and ears and lips. Jared can barely hear anything anymore, not even Jensen. When he focuses really hard, though, Jensen seems to gradually come back to him, like he's trying to find a radio station through the static.

'I'm not gonna give up,' he says eventually.

'So what are we gonna do?' Jensen asks, voice slightly out of sync with his lips.

'We're gonna run.'

And so they run. They run everywhere - everywhen. Jared sees his seventh birthday flash by, sees the day his parents told him he was gonna be a big brother. He drags Jensen through his first kiss (with a girl), through seven different countries, through a thousand different hair colors. They go through innumerable ordinary days that Jared didn't even think he remembered, and he rushes through moments he could never forget. They never stand still, never take a second to stop and they never let go of each other.

Until they can't do it anymore.

'Jared,' Jensen pants, loosening the grip on Jared's hand. 'Jared, I can't -'

'We have to,' Jared says, gasping for breath as well. 'They're gonna take you from me.'

'They're going to do it anyway, Jay.' He slows down and finally stops, making Jared stop with him. 'They've found us wherever we went. God knows how many memories of yours they fucked up by now, even the ones I'm not in. You don't want that.'

'I wanna lose you less,' Jared says immediately, pulling for Jensen to follow him again.

'So you're okay with losing memories of becoming an uncle? Or of your trip through Asia? Or Harley and Sadie?' Jensen says, throwing up his arms. 'And what about Sandy?'

Jared's quiet for a moment. He wants to say he doesn't care, that all those things added up together aren't even close to how much Jensen means to him, but that would be a lie. He loves Jensen, more than he could put to words, but he loves his niece and his dogs and Sandy too. Maybe not as much, but it's close.

Jensen knows, as well. 'You're gonna lose me, Jay,' he says, voice rough and sad. 'You don't have to lose all the others too.'

'Fuck,' Jared says and doubles over, trying to get enough air into his lungs. 'I can't tell you how sorry I am, Jensen. I'm so stupid.'

'Don't be, Jared.' Jensen walks over to him, crouches down so he can look him in the eye and puts a hand on his shoulder. 'I am the one who should be sorry, I did it first.'

'Yeah.' He's panting again, but he's pretty sure he's not still out of breath from running. He can't believe this is actually happening. 'Still.'

'No,' Jensen says, adamant. 'I don't know what drove me to it, Jared, but I can only imagine it's because I couldn't stand knowing what I was missing.'

'God, I love you,' Jared whispers and leans forward, hugging Jensen, pulling him so close he's pretty sure that if this Jensen were real, he'd be complaining about not being able to breathe.

'And I you,' Jensen whispers in his ear instead. Jared can hear his smile.

'So what do we do now?' Jared asks as he finally lets go.

'Just go with it, I suppose.' Jensen shrugs. 'Just roll with the memories and enjoy them while we still can?'

'I think I can do that,' Jared admits and kisses him, wishing he'd never let Jensen go, but had married him instead.




8d.

The music is awful, just plain awful. If he ever gets married, that guy is most definitely not welcome at the party. Jared's a dancer. He loves dancing and he can dance to pretty much anything, even if he's not a good dancer at all. And he got a couple of good moves in, during the first few songs when it was just him and another handful of single guys on the floor, all doing their thing. But then this lousy, ridiculous deejay decided there weren't enough couples dancing and he played three consecutive waltzes, and after that a string of hideously romantic slow-dancing songs.

'So what do you think?' someone suddenly yells in his ear.

Jared turns around to look and sees one of the most handsome men he's ever seen. He remembers him from before, Tom introduced them at the reception. The guy was someone he worked with, but Jared can't for the life of him recollect his name. He's pretty sure he didn't even catch it when Tom mentioned it, he was too distracted by his eyes.

He's still looking at Jared as if he's expecting an answer.

'What?'

'What do you think?' he asks again, grinning. He points at the deejay. 'About the music?'

'Horrible up until now,' Jared answers, voice raised to drown out the noise. 'If he plays one more ballad, I'm gonna rough up his disco-lights.'

The guy laughs, loudly and heartily. It's a beautiful sound, even with Bryan Adams in the background, and he'd do anything to hear it again, only he has no idea how he got it out of him in the first place.

They're quiet for another couple of minutes, as they wait for the song to finish, but Tom's colleague isn't showing any intention of leaving. Just as he's about to ask for his name, the deejay announces next up is 'Eternal Flame' by the Bangles. They both groan and roll their eyes.

'That does it,' he says at the same time Jared asks, 'Really? That's what he went with?'

'God, I hate this song,' the guy confides in him. 'My sister used to make us listen to it over and over and over. Everything around when I was ten years old is intrinsically tied to this. I didn't like being ten.'

'Right,' Jared says, eyebrows raised. He's not sure what to say - and that doesn't happen often - to a complete stranger sharing with him. 'Sucks, man.'

'Don't I know it.' He smiles. 'It was Jared, wasn't it?'

'Yep,' he confirms. 'I'm sorry, but Tom introduced me to a million people today and I'm terrible with names.'

'Jensen,' he says happily. 'Don't worry about it. You friends with Tom?'

'And Mike,' Jared says. 'I knew him first, actually.'

That's where he leaves it. God knows why. Jared isn't usually this socially retarded. He's good at talking to people, but there's something strange about the way this Jensen is looking at him. He's just passing time, probably, trying to talk to Jared. He's probably just waiting for his boyfriend (or girlfriend) to get him a piece of the cake.

'Oh,' Jensen says and nods.

Jensen doesn't leave, though, and no one comes to bring him cake. He just keeps standing next to Jared, as if that's where he should be - like they came to the wedding together. Jared glances at him every couple of seconds, but he doesn't even seem like he minds the silence between them. So Jared keeps quiet for as long as he can bear it too.

Which isn't very long, he's still Jared.

'So,' he says awkwardly, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. He's still staring out into the venue, watching all the people dance and talk. He's not even surprised they don't have faces anymore, they're just smudged skin-colored blots with something that vaguely resembles hair. They look like sketches that no one intends to finish.'This is probably the last time we're gonna talk, ever. Which is weird, considering this is also the first time we talked.'

'And what a crap conversation it was,' Jensen says, smiling. 'You didn't even know what to say.'

'I was head over heels for you already,' Jared admits with a shrug. 'I had no idea why you were even talking to me. I thought you were too good to be true.'

'Yeah, so were you.' Jensen laughs and shakes his head. 'Purple hair to a wedding?'

'It matched the flowers!' Jared says, insulted, but then he smiles. 'Besides, it was always a good conversation-starter, wasn't it?'

Jensen nods. 'True, we did talk about your hair, for like a minute.'

'Right before you got me a drink,' Jared adds.

'You took it and you ran off,' Jensen says. 'I had no idea why.'

'I was confused,' Jared admits, shuffling his feet and looking down at them.

'I thought it was something I'd said.' Jensen turns to him, green eyes boring into him, as if he's looking for an answer there.

'Jensen, you were easily the best-looking guy at the entire wedding.' Jared shrugs. 'I was the guy with the purple hair. I just - I didn't understand why you'd come to talk to me, out of all the interesting people there.'

'I wish you hadn't run,' Jensen says after a moment. 'Things might've gone differently.'

'I wish I hadn't run,' Jared agrees. 'I wish I'd done a lot of things differently. I wish I hadn't spent the rest of the night creepily hovering around you without saying a word. Or got in touch with you sooner.'

'You didn't even say goodbye.'

'You didn't either,' Jared shoots back.

'Touché.' Jensen smiles, but it's a sad one. 'We should have a goodbye now. If this is the last time we talk. We should say goodbye.'

'We don't,'Jared says, feeling just as sad as Jensen looks. 'This is where I turn around, there's nothing left.'

'Then let's make one up,' Jensen prompts. He turns his entire body towards Jared, looks up at him, eyes big and glassy. 'Goodbye, Sasquatch. It was good, right?'

Jared only half notices how everything around them has disappeared, how they're standing in a sea of black nothingness with just one spotlight fixed on the two of them. That's all there's left and he doesn't even think it's that wrong. In the end, this is happening because Jensen is really all that ever mattered to Jared - he still is - and Jared's sad to think that tomorrow, he won't even know who Jensen is.

'It was.' He tries talking around the lump in his throat, and he succeeds, but he still sounds like he's choking. 'I love you, Jensen.'

Jared wants to touch him so badly right now. Kiss him or even just put a hand on his arm, he doesn't care. If he could just feel Jensen's skin on his for only a second, just so he knows that this is not his imagination, that Jensen really is really and really does exist - that he will still exist when Jared wakes up in the morning. But he didn't touch him then, so he doesn't now.

Jensen takes one step closer, as close as the memory will let him, his face is serious and solemn. 'I'll find you,' he says and it almost sounds as if he's begging, imploring Jared to be somewhere he might run into him.

And then he's gone and Jared dreams of owning an ice-cream powered car and stopping to let toads cross the road.




part one * part three