the trapeze swinger, 2/2

[harwhon]

IX.

'Jensen?'

Mackenzie's voice pulls him out of his thoughts, startles him. She always does this, creeps into the hallway when she's supposed to be sleeping, trying to harass Jensen if he's at home. She started doing it ever since she figured out how to crawl out of her crib. And Jensen thought this was what a big brother did, you know, so he took her in and entertained her. She never stopped doing it.

Jensen is not in the mood to entertain today, though. He wants some peace and quiet, for once, some alone-time because he has a lot to think about. Jensen is left wondering how long Jared's had feelings for him exactly, how long he's been walking around acting like nothing had changed and how long he has had to work up the courage to finally do something about it. He feels kind of bad, wonders if Jared's ever felt he needed to hold back, like he couldn't be himself around Jensen because of this.

Jared hasn't asked him out again after the second date and he doesn't act like he's waiting for Jensen to ask him. He's just his best friend Jared, the way Jensen's always known him. The only thing is, Jensen's not so sure that that's how he wants Jared to be.

'Jensen?' Mackenzie calls again and raps softly on his door.

He sighs heavily and shakes his head. The girl is sixteen, for crying out loud. Doesn't she have anything better to do than annoy her big brother? Surely she's got some nails to polish or friends to text.

So he opens the door, all worked up and ready to yell at her to go the fuck away, but then he looks at her. She doesn't at all look like the sixteen-year-old that teased him about not having a soul, or the one that called him at work to cockily inform him that her happily ever after was only eight days away while he would be alone forever. She doesn't even look like the one that tries biting his finger off whenever he points at something.

Instead, she looks frightened and sad and fragile, and entirely like the little sister that crawled into bed with him when she'd had a nightmare - like the little sister he wants to protect.

So, of course he lets her in, feeling frightened as well, because if someone has hurt Mackenzie, he doesn't think he can be held responsible for the many ways in which he'll torture them.

'Mack. What's wrong?' he asks, holding up his hands in a question.

'Nothing,' she says quietly, but she steps in for a hug and holds him so tight it squeezes the air out of him for a second.

'Okay,' he says hesitantly, hugging her back just as hard. 'You sure?'

'Hmm,' she grunts into his chest and tightens her grip on his t-shirt.

'Alright.' He's quiet for another moment, not quite sure what to do. 'Hey, you know what? Jared gave me his Jurassic Park DVDs to watch. You up for a marathon?'

'For dinosaurs?' she says, and only then she starts to let go of Jensen, distracted by the box-set on his desk. 'Always.'

'Great.' Jensen smiles. 'You get everything ready, I'll sneak downstairs to get us some popcorn. How does that sound?'

'Awesome.' She bolts for the TV, getting to work immediately without looking at him. She's already settling on his bed that serves as a makeshift couch when Jensen finally makes for the kitchen. He doesn't say anything about the tears she left on his t-shirt.

*

'Mack's not happy, mom,' he says the next morning, by way of greeting.

'What?' she asks, voice high and shrill. 'Why would you say such a thing?'

'Because she isn't,' Jensen answers. 'I think this is moving a bit too fast for her. Give her some time to get used to the fact that she's found her One. Don't start planning the wedding yet - or even better, don't plan the wedding at all. Let her decide.'

His mother keeps staring at him as if she's never seen him before, as if he's a stranger that just wandered down the stairs into her kitchen. 'What brought this on?'

'Seeing my baby-sister upset, that's what,' he says, frustrated.

'So now she's your baby-sister again?' Donna asks, not looking up from the breakfast she's preparing. 'As I recall, you said she was a "snotty spoiled brat" and a "monstrous little know-it-all".'

'And she is both,' Jensen replies. He can already tell how this conversation is going to end. If his mother doesn't want to understand, she won't, no matter how hard he presses the matter. But then again, Jensen inherited that stubborn streak from her. 'Doesn't mean that I'm going to let her be unhappy if I can help it.'

'She's not unhappy, Jensen,' his mother says, like it's the most preposterous thing she's ever heard. 'I know it must be hard for you to see your little sister find her One before your timer has even started counting down, and I know you've got trouble dealing with the fact that her One is someone you're not particularly fond of, but that's no reason to start fabricating lies. Mack is perfectly happy and so will you be one day, when you finally find your One. You'll see.'

'Mom, this has nothing to do with me! Christ!' he says, raising his voice. 'If Chad's the guy for her, then he is and if my timer doesn't count down ever, then that's it. I can't help that. But this I can. Just talk to her. She's only just turned sixteen and she's already found the person she's going to have to spend the rest of her life with. That's going to be a lot for anyone that age to handle and I think she needs her mother now more than she does a wedding planner.'

His mom just fixes him with a long, hard stare and they stay standing like that for what feels like ages, until the microwave timer goes "ding!" and she yells out, perky as always, 'Breakfast is ready!'

Jensen sighs and shakes his head in defeat. He grabs a dry piece of toast on the way out.




X.

Jensen is just about to start painting the garden fence (another one of those lovely chores his mother made him do) when he hears Jared's voice.

'Hey, you wanna do something later?' Jared asks, almost doubled over the fence to get a look at him. 'I gotta take my babies to the vet, but after that, I thought we could hang out.'

Jensen stares up at him for a moment before getting up slowly. Jared doesn't even bother straightening, so they end up standing pretty close together. 'Hang out or hang out?' he asks.

Jared looks at him, eyes searching his face like he's trying to find Waldo there. 'Er. Whichever is the right answer?'

'What I mean is - I. What do you want?' he asks, clumsily. It's weird and so frustrating that he can feel so uneasy around Jared nowadays.

'I want to hang out, that's why I'm asking.' Jared frowns at him. 'I don't get what you're trying to say, Jensen.'

'I'm saying that you were right, Jared,' Jensen says. He's nervous about finally getting this into the open, but he has to get this off his chest. He's been thinking about it for a long time - too long, probably - and he's made up his mind now. 'When I see how difficult this is for Mack, how much trouble she's having to adjust to this idea of a life with Chad, I'm not sure the timer's all that waterproof anymore. And even if it is, I'm not sure I want it to be - not for me. I-'

He looks up at Jared for the first time in his rant, and what he sees sends a wave of electricity through his entire body. Jared's watching him intently, one hand trying to hide a mouth that's curving upwards slightly, like it's waiting to break out into laughter.

'I don't want things to go back to the way they were before,' he finishes finally. 'I don't know what was different on our dates, maybe it's that you don't feel you have to hold back around me or something. And I like you better like that.'

'That's great,' Jared says, so softly that Jensen has to lean in to hear it. 'Because I like myself better like that.'

He studies Jensen's face for a moment longer, stares at his eyes, his nose, lets his gaze linger on Jensen's lips and then he licks his own, smiling. Jensen's mouth goes dry. 'Pick you up later.'

He doesn't even wait for Jensen's answer, just grins up at him for another second and walks off. Jensen doesn't think he could've said anything anyway.

*

If there's anything that Jensen has learned in the last month, it's that Jared is special, for a lot of reasons. He's special because he's a million feet tall and because he doesn't see a problem with wearing bright pink t-shirts. He's special because he's probably the only guy on earth that didn't want to be like MacGyver when he was ten years old. He's special because he'll take those weird umbrella cocktails over a nice Jack Daniels whenever he gets the chance. But right now, the most important reason why Jared is special, is because he doesn't have a timer. And Jensen loves it. Loves that even without a timer, that in spite of Jensen having a timer himself, Jared's willing to take a chance on him. That's special.

The timer bothers Jared, Jensen knows. He doesn't mention it anymore, doesn't talk to Jensen about it - especially not since Jensen finally admitted Jared won the bet a week ago - but Jensen can feel it. Sees it in the hostile looks he throws Jensen's wrist from time to time, without even realizing that he's doing it. Jensen can tell from the way Jared always completely ignores his right arm - he is such a hands on guy, it's hard not to notice. His hands are everywhere, all the time, he lets them roam all over Jensen's body, his chest, his back, his legs, his left arm, but the right never gets any attention.

And that feels wrong, it makes him feel asymmetrical and unfinished for some reason and it bothers him more than Jensen thinks it should.

'I could cover it up, if you want,' he says one night when Jared deliberately makes him scoot over on the couch, even though there's plenty of space on Jensen's right for him to sit. It had puzzled Jensen for a second, until Jared had sat down and had taken Jensen's hand in his at the same time.

Jared looks at him, confused.

'The timer,' Jensen says and holds up his wrist for him to see. Jared almost flinches. Jensen almost laughs. 'If it bothers you so much, I could cover it up, like Murray did.'

'It doesn't bother me,' Jared says with a shrug that never in a million years could pass for casual. 'Why would you say that?'

'Because you ignore the right side of my body as if it leprous,' Jensen tells him. 'As far as I know, it's pretty much identical to the left side, except for the timer, so I'm going to have to assume that's your problem with it.'

'I don't have a problem with it,' Jared says awkwardly, shifting in his seat.

'Right.' Jensen sighs and nods. 'Like I don't have a problem with my sister marrying Chad Michael Murray.'

Jared raises his eyebrows at him. 'I thought you were okay with that.'

'Dude,' Jensen scoffs. 'I will never be okay with that, but I'll accept it if it's what Mack wants. Don't change the subject.'

He doesn't get a reply, though, Jared just pulls a sturgeon face and start playing with the label on the beer bottle he's holding.

'Is it -' Jensen starts hesitantly, because apparently, Jared has no inclination of talking about this. 'Do you feel threatened by it?'

'Do I have any reason to?' he asks without looking up, still focused on the bottle.

'No, not at all,' Jensen says quickly, and the thinks he means it too. 'But I would understand if it's hard for you to look at, because, you know, it could one day start -'

Jared's shoulders slump and he sighs, as if he realizes there's no way for him to get away without talking about it. 'It's not that,' he says eventually, but he rolls his eyes the minute he's spoken. He rubs his eyes and starts again. 'It's not just that. It's the whole idea of the timer that wigs me out, Jensen. Just the idea that there's a computer in your wrist that's telling you - or anyone else for that matter - what to feel, it gives me the creeps.'

'Jared,' Jensen starts, but Jared cuts him off.

'No, Jensen, does it tell you what to feel?' he asks, finally looking up at him. 'When you're with me, what does it tell you? Is it telling you something now?'

'It doesn't work like that, you know that,' Jensen says, shaking his head.

'Exactly!' Jared exclaims, turning towards him completely. 'But you feel something right now, don't you?'

'I don't -' Jensen says, confused. What's Jared even trying to say?

Suddenly, Jared kisses him, long and slow and gentle with so much warmth and passion it makes Jensen shiver. It's their first kiss. It's Jensen's first kiss, ever. And even though he has no idea what he's doing, it feels like the best thing that's ever happened to him - like there's a load lifted off his shoulders and a tension seeping out of him that he never even knew was there.

The kiss seems to go on forever, Jared's tongue caressing his just slightly, Jared's teeth biting down softly on his lips. It's over much too soon and Jensen's left completely dazed, sitting on the couch with his eyes still closed, his heart beating way too fast and his breathing coming in short gasps.

'Did you feel that?' Jared asks eventually, voice low and rough, and Jensen hopes he's right when he thinks to hear he's slightly out of breath, as well.

'Yes,' Jensen manages to whisper.

Before he's even opened his eyes properly, Jared is on him again. This time, he focuses on Jensen's neck, breath ghosting over it, kissing it, biting down on his collar bone and licking away the pain. He nuzzles up closer to Jensen's ear and sucks on an earlobe, kisses the soft skin just behind it. It's all Jensen can think about, because it feels so good. He doesn't even realize his head has fallen to the side to make more room for Jared - he doesn't really care, either, this is the best thing, the most intense thing, the most arousing thing he has ever felt.

'Did you feel that?' Jared asks again when he pulls back.

'Yes,' he whimpers.

Jared moves on, not to his chest, as Jensen had expected (and yes, maybe hoped), but to his right arm (though not before flicking one of Jensen's nipples on the way there, and Jensen hisses, because good God. If he keeps this up, he's going to come out of his skin). Jensen opens his eyes in surprise when Jared takes hold of his hand and starts kissing his fingers tips, one by one, his own fingers flitting over the sensitive skin on the inside of his arm at the same time.

Jared opens his mouth again and Jensen closes his eyes, muscles tensing up in anticipation, but he doesn't feel anything, doesn't even feel hot breath anywhere and when he opens his eyes again, he sees Jared licking the timer, tongue darting out over the smooth surface. He doesn't feel anything.

Jared doesn't even have to ask this time, Jensen just nods in understanding.

'You live your life trusting that thing and not trusting your own feelings,' Jared says after a minute. His cheeks are flushed and his pupils blown and Jensen thinks that's the hottest thing he's ever seen. It's hard for him not to focus on that and listen to Jared's words, even if he knows what Jared's saying and he understands completely. He feels weird, because he knows that something between them has just changed fundamentally. This is big. 'But it hasn't done anything since you got it, Jensen. Didn't bleep, didn't count down, didn't light up, not once. So what's that supposed to tell you? That this isn't real? Isn't right?'

Jensen wants to answer, but then Jared pulls away. He shifts in his seat and Jensen misses Jared's touch immediately, he misses the warmth and the comfort - and that's the only thing all night that doesn't feel right.

Jensen doesn't care if Jared never comes near his right arm again. As long as he doesn't ignore the rest of him along with it, Jensen will gladly feel asymmetrical and unfinished for the rest of his life. He'd like to word it just as eloquently, but Jensen doesn't think he can properly string together sentences, let alone voice them. So he just goes to straddle Jared's lap and kisses him again, on every bit of skin he can get his mouth on, and lets his hands rove all over the places his lips can't reach.

It doesn't take Jared long to join in - he starts moving his hips in time with Jensen's, kissing him hard and hungrily. Jensen doesn't even notice what they're doing until he comes, embarrassingly quickly and unexpectedly hard, in the middle of a kiss.

Jensen flinches and is about to apologize when he looks up at Jared, who's staring back at Jensen as if he's the second coming. It's so overwhelming and humbling and then Jensen realizes that he feels pretty much the same way about Jared. Nothing's ever felt more right before, timer be damned.




XI.

He's been seeing Jared for over three months when the other shoe drops. Jensen thinks he should've seen it coming.

'Jensen?' his mother calls from the kitchen as he's rushing down the stairs, on his way to Jared's. 'Come over here a sec.'

'Something wrong?' he asks, still pulling on his jacket.

'Well, I'm,' she starts hesitantly, eyes flickering to the ceiling and the walls and the floor. 'I'm not sure.'

'Mom, what is it?' he asks, worried. 'Something wrong with Mack? Is it Chad?'

'No, no. Nothing like that. There's just been -' She shakes her head and tries again. 'I heard you've been seeing somebody.'

'Who told you that?' Jensen can feel his shoulders tense up, even though he doesn't know why. It's not the first time he's gone out and his mother knows that. She's never felt the need to ask him about it before.

'People.' She waves a hand. 'You know what this town is like.'

'Yeah, I do,' Jensen admits with a shrug. 'I just never thought I was interesting enough for them to gossip about. I've dated before, mom. This has never been an issue.'

'But. They said it looked serious.'

'So what if it is?' Jensen asks, not really getting what his mother is trying to say.

She stares at him for a long time, like she's trying to decide if she should continue this conversation or not. But Jensen is done waiting, so he gets up and turns to leave.

'They said it was a boy,' she says quickly, just before he's out the door. Jensen freezes.

'Honey, I'm okay with you being gay, if you really are, but you have to be sure,' she says eventually. 'And your timer still isn't counting down.'

'He doesn't have a timer,' Jensen blurts without thinking. He didn't want to tell her, he didn't want to say anything, he just wanted to go over to Jared's and have some fun.

'Then make him get one,' his mother says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

'He doesn't want one,' Jensen tells her, back still turned. 'He doesn't like timers.'

'Then why are you putting in so much effort?' she asks. He can tell from her voice that she thinks he's being silly and irresponsible and that she really doesn't have a clue why he would be doing it.

Jensen wants to laugh at her question. It's weird, a few months ago, he would've asked the exact same thing, but right now, it's not as simple anymore.

'There are loads of people out there who don't have a timer yet,' she tries again. 'That's what you should focus on, finding your One.'

'And what if he is my One?' Jensen finally turns back to look her in the eye.

'Honey, if Jared really was your One, he would have gotten that timer a long time ago. That's kind of thing you do for the person you love,' she snaps, crossing her arms across her chest. 'He's not worth your time.'

He feels like he's been slapped in the face and involuntarily takes a step back. 'What? How do you - Who the hell told you?'

'Who didn't, you mean!' she exclaims. 'Everyone's been telling me about it, congratulating me like this is a good thing. You should be more careful, Jensen, and more sensible.'

'How is this not a good thing, mom?' Jensen says, voice easily matching hers. 'I'm happy, Jared's happy. What more could you want?'

'For you to have stability and certainty,' she replies. 'This, whatever it is, this is going to end sooner or later and then you're going to regret losing so much time on something so meaningless.'

'It's not meaningless!' he yells out, throwing up his hands. He's so angry, he feels like he's going to burst at the seams. 'It's not because the timer doesn't say it's right, that it doesn't count! What you and dad had, it might not have worked, but it can't have been meaningless, mom.'

'If I could turn back time,' she tells him, 'and get my timer sooner, I would do it and I would just wait for Alan.'

'How can you say that?' Jensen says and rubs a hand over his face. 'You have Josh and me because of dad. You have grandkids because of dad.'

'I know, and I love you all. But the break-up with your father was painful and hard because our relationship was wrong,' she tells him and sighs. 'I just don't want to see that happening to you. You just don't realize what kind of a gift the timer is.'

'Some gift,' Jensen spits. 'I've had mine for over a decade and nothing in my life has changed, not for the better. I get to see everyone around me find their Ones and get married, while I have to sit by and hope that one day, my timer will finally start counting down and that by then, it is not too late. I don't want to keep doing that. I want someone to care about and I want them to care about me. Jared is that person.'

'You don't -'

'Mom, we like each other,' he says, cutting across her. 'We really genuinely like each other.'

'You don't even know what that means!' she yells back. 'Liking, loving,... You won't and you can't know what that is until your timer has gone off.'

'I don't think that's true,' Jensen says and shrugs. He's done. There's nothing he can do to convince her if she really doesn't want to listen, and he doesn't have the energy to talk to her anymore without saying something he'll regret and she'll never forgive him for.

'Fine, but when your timer finally starts counting down and you find the one you're really supposed to be with, don't come moaning to me about it,' she says angrily. 'Because you're the one who is going to have to tell Jared. If he hasn't left you first.'

'Whatever,' he says and leaves, but he can't ignore the heat in his cheeks that make him feel as if he's making a big mistake.

*

He finally gets to Jared, half an hour late and a lot more upset by this than he would like to admit. Jared, as always, can tell immediately.

'What's wrong?' he asks the minute he opens the door. There's a frown on his face that Jensen doesn't like to see, especially not since he's the one that put it there, and his eyes are full of worry.

'It's nothing, I -' he says, his voice quivering. 'I just wanna forget about it. What kind of lovely plans have you got in store for us?'

'Nothing, just a quiet night in,' Jared says distractedly. 'Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?'

'Yes, for crying out loud,' Jensen spits, louder than he means to.

Jared just holds up his hands in surrender and points him towards his DVD-collection. 'You pick this time, I'll go get us some beers,' he says and leaves for the kitchen.

Jensen takes out a film at random, it doesn't really matter to him what they're going to watch, as long as it takes his mind off the conversation he had with his mother. But it's no use, it's all he can think about, all through the movie. He's still furious with her, because she doesn't listen and she doesn't think, but at the same time, he worries a lot about everything she told him. He has no guarantees with Jared, doesn't know for sure that this will last forever, doesn't even know if their friendship will survive this. And in the end, maybe that matters more than Jensen wants it to.

Suddenly, Jared sighs and turns off the TV. He sits up straight on the couch, making Jensen get up too, because he was leaning against Jared. They're quiet for a moment before Jared nods at him.

'Right,' he says and nods again. 'Tell me whatever it is that has your panties in a twist.'

'What are you talking about?' Jensen says, hoping he can play it off.

'No,' Jared says, shaking his head, 'you don't get to play that game. You weren't paying attention to a movie you picked, you hardly touched your beer and the times you did, you tried drinking it with the cap still on. So spill.'

Jensen pulls a face and sighs. He's grateful that Jared knows him so well, that he wants to help and listen. And he knows that he shouldn't hide anything from Jared, that he doesn't have to, because the guy pretty much knows a solution for everything. But Jensen's not so sure this can be solved so easily.

'So?' Jared asks again.

He's not going to be able to keep it quiet anyway, so Jensen looks at him for a moment before he starts to speak, hesitantly. 'My mom, she - she found out about us and -'

'You didn't tell her?' Jared interrupts, shifting in his seat.

'What, did you tell your parents?'

'I told them I was seeing someone, yeah,' Jared admits easily, like he just told them he'd gotten a haircut. 'Why didn't you?'

'You didn't tell 'em it was me?' Jensen asks in reply, half-hopeful, half-insulted.

'I would have, but I didn't think you were ready for it. I wanted you to be there when I did.' Jared frowns at him. 'Don't avoid the question, Jensen. Why didn't you tell her?'

'There's a good chance they'll find out soon, anyway, the way this town gossips. Won't they figure out - you know? Because I'm a guy?' He doesn't mean to stall, honestly. It's just, Jared keeps pelting him with new information that he has no idea how to handle. He doesn't know how to do this kind of thing.

Jared waves a hand dismissively, angrily, nervously, like he already knows what's coming. 'They've known forever I'm gay. Answer the fucking question, Jensen!'

'I -' he says weakly. He doesn't even know how to answer it, so he just opens his mouth and hopes a good excuse will tumble out. 'You're not my One, Jared!'

He pinches his eyes closed the moment his brain recognizes the words. That was probably the worst possible thing to say. He can see it in Jared's face, his eyes have widened and he can just see the hurt there.

'So, what have we been doing all this time?' he asks. His voice isn't loud, but it's a lot more forceful than Jensen's ever heard it be. 'What was this? Something to tide you over until that thing started counting down? Were you gonna dump me the moment it did?'

'Don't,' Jensen argues weakly, 'Don't say it like that.'

'Like what?' Jared spits. 'Dump? I'm sorry. What is the correct word for breaking up with someone in timerspeak?'

'I'm not breaking up with you, don't-'

'Funny. It feels like you are,' Jared tells him, seething. But then he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he speaks again, he doesn't sound at all angry, just defeated and disappointed, which is infinitely worse. 'I just. I really believed we'd gotten past this, Jensen. I thought this was a relationship, or at least had the potential to turn into one. I thought you thought so too.'

'I-'

Before Jensen even gets another word in, Jared waves a hand to silence him, shoulders slumping. 'Forget it. I'm.' He clears his throat, shakes his hair out of his eyes before continuing. 'I'm going to need some time to - I don't know - figure out how to do this. So don't - not yet, anyway. You know the way out.'

And then Jared gets up, without even looking at him again, and leaves the room. Jensen has no idea what to do, so he waits around for another fifteen minutes, torn between finding Jared and explaining everything and just waiting for him to come back - Jared always comes back. Five minutes later, though, he hasn't and Jensen thinks he's probably caused enough damage for one night, so he clears out the beers and leaves.




XII.

He mopes around the house for a few days after that, wondering what he should do to fix this - if he should fix this. If he could fix this. He hasn't heard anything from Jared since that night and he hasn't had the courage to call him or swing past his place himself. He tells himself that that's what Jared wants, that that's what he asked and that he's just respecting that. He just doesn't know if that really is what Jared wants.

When he passes Mackenzie's room on the way to his own for another quiet night of self-pity, he hears her giggle so loudly he just has to walk in and make sure she hasn't had an aneurism or anything. He hasn't heard her laugh like that in - well, he's never heard her laugh like that. So he knocks on the door and stick his head inside just to check. She seems alright, she's on the phone, one hand clutching the horn and the other twisting knots into the cable. She laughs and when she sees Jensen, she smiles at him.

He nods at her and makes to leave, but she stops him with a wave. 'My brother just walked in and I haven't talked to him properly in a while,' she says softly into the receiver. 'Okay, thanks. You too. We'll talk tomorrow?'

She's still smiling as she hangs up.

'Who was that?' he asks without trying to sound like he was checking up on her.

'Chad.' She blushes and ducks her head to try and hide it.

Jensen raises his eyebrows. 'Chad.'

'Yes, Jensen,' she says with a roll of her eyes. 'The guy I'm going to marry one day? You may have met.'

'I thought things weren't going too well for you,' he says carefully as he sits down on the bed next to her. He really has been out of touch if he hasn't noticed this change.

'They weren't at first, no,' she says with a shrug. 'But now they are.'

'You can still get out, you know,' Jensen says suddenly. He didn't even figure this out himself until a few months ago, in fact, he's still trying to figure it out completely, even if it might be too late to do it now. So he's not going to let his sister get into this without warning her. 'You don't have to be with him just because the timer told you to. It's just a machine and it can be wrong. If it doesn't feel right to you, then it's not right. You get that, don't you?'

'Yes, Jensen,' she says and rolls her eyes. Then she crawls over to him and rests her chin on his leg. 'Can I tell you something?'

'Sure.'

'Right now, it feels really right,' she says and blushes again. 'I don't know if it's going to stay like this - probably not, but right now, I like him.'

'And he likes you back?' he asks warily.

'I think he does, yeah,' she says.

'Just, Mack, I still think you're a little young to - Ow!' He gets cut off by his sister biting his leg so hard, it hurts even through his jeans. 'What the hell?'

'That's what you get for being an annoying, overprotective big brother,' she says. 'I can take care of myself.'

She looks so smug and satisfied about hurting him, Jensen completely forgets about the conversation they were having. He's got her in a stranglehold in less than a second.

'Wanna say that again, squirt?' he asks. She's struggling, trying to kick him with his legs and trying to lick his hands and arms because she knows that will always get her the upper hand.

'You're annoying!' she yells, laughing so loudly Jensen can hardly make out what she's saying.

He finally makes the mistake of putting down his hand too close to her face and she just smothers it in saliva. He pulls back quickly, cursing and wiping his hand on his t-shirt.

'Jesus Christ, who taught you repulsive things like this?' he breathes. 'Was it Murray?'

'Shut up,' she says and laughs even harder. 'You're the one who taught me that trick.'

'So you really like him?' Jensen asks again, just to check. 'I can go to sleep without having to worry and without having to beat this guy up? Because I would if you wanted me too.'

Mack just smiles. 'I've no doubt you would,' she says and shoves him towards the door. 'But I do like him, Jensen. He's sweet and funny and he's really good to me. He listens when I talk, you know?'

'We are still talking about Chad Michael Murray?' Jensen is not even trying to be funny. He can't imagine that a guy that lets himself be called "CM²" would listen to a sixteen-year-old moan about the chem test she's got on Monday.

'Get out, I need my beauty sleep!' she yells and closes the door on him.

Jensen finds he's smiling as he walks over to his room. He's happy that Mackenzie likes Chad - more than likes him, apparently. And Chad even appears to be taking this seriously, so Jensen's really glad he doesn't have to go break his ribs. Yet.

So it seems the timer was right again. For a few seconds, Jensen thinks that's something he might have to rub in Jared's face, until he realizes that he probably won't be talking to Jared for quite a while and that wipes the smile right off his face.




XIII.

He tries not contacting Jared, he really does try. He doesn't mean to end up on Jared's driveway every time he takes the dog for a walk, doesn't mean to punch in text messages that he only later realizes he can never send. He doesn't mean to think of Jared late at night or every time he steps into the shower. It's just that somehow, Jared became such a big and important part of Jensen's life that he has no idea how not to contact him.

And what's more, Jensen doesn't want to figure out how to do that either. Jared belongs as the number one on his speed dial, and should always be a stop on dog walks. And when Jared's lying next to him in bed, that doesn't at all feel like it's wrong either.

There's just one thing he has to do first.

*

'You're absolutely sure you want to do this, honey?' the woman behind the desk asks him for the twentieth time. When she sees Jensen has no intention of answering her yet again that he's gonna do this, no matter how often she asks, she just points to the other end of the corridor. She sighs, disappointed. 'Last on your right.'

He nods his thanks at her, because he's too pissed off and nervous to say anything. He's not entirely sure, of course he isn't, it's a stupid question. But what he does know is that this is the only way he's going to be able to get back together with Jared, and he knows that that's what he wants.

Danneel's already waiting for him when he enters the room. 'Hey, Jensen,' she says happily and grabs him into a hug. 'It's been a while since the last time I saw you. I was starting to think you'd given up!'

She keeps looking at the door, as if she's waiting for someone else to come in. But when no one does, she stares at him, wide-eyed. 'You're alone?'

'Yep,' he says, holding up his hands. 'Just me today.'

'So you have given up?' she asks, deflating completely. 'That's so sad. I was really hoping you'd find someone.'

'I have, Dan,' he says hesitantly. 'I found someone a while ago.'

'So. Where is she?' When Jensen frowns at her question, she gasps, but recovers quickly. 'Where is he?'

'He doesn't have a timer.'

'I gathered that,' she says like it's obvious and points at his wrist. 'I can't implant it if he isn't here, Jensen. We don't do take-out.'

'I know. He doesn't want one,' Jensen says, nerves setting up camp in his stomach again. This is it. 'And neither do I.'

'What?' Danneel jumps up from the chair she was sitting in. 'Are you saying -'

'I want you to remove my timer, Danneel.' Maybe Jensen wasn't as clear as he thought he'd been.

'No,' she says immediately, crossing her arms over her chest and stubbornly looking at the ceiling.

'What? You can't say no,' Jensen huffs, bewildered. 'I'm paying you.'

'I don't want to do it.'

'Why not?'

'Because you can't get it reimplanted, Jensen,' she says angrily. 'You remove it, that's it. No second chances.'

'Well, then it's good that I won't need one,' Jensen says without thinking. Danneel looks completely taken aback and shocked, but Jensen's pretty sure it's nothing compared to how he feels, hearing those words come out of his mouth.

'You mean that?' she asks, like she can't actually imagine that being the case.

'I think I do, yeah.' He feels a smile creep on his face that he couldn't hold back even if he wanted to. He holds out his wrist for Danneel. 'So if you don't mind.'

She sighs and gestures for Jensen to sit down in the chair next to her work station. Right before she gets out a pair of scary-looking pliers, she slumps down again. 'Are you-'

'Yes, Danneel, I am absolutely sure,' he says monotonously.

'Alright, alright,' she says quickly, hands held up in surrender. She picks up the pliers again and sets out to work. 'This is going to sting a little.'

She wasn't lying. It stings like a motherfucker. He feels white-hot pangs of pain flair up his muscles. He hisses and clenches his jaw.

'Relax, or you'll only make it worse,' she says, still focused on the device she's pulling out. 'There. All done. We were all rooting for you, you know.'

'You don't have to anymore,' he says, shaking his arm to relieve some of the tension. 'I got what I wanted. I hope.'

'You hope?' Danneel asks, alarmed.

'Long story,' Jensen says and rubs his eyes, but he immediately stops and hisses as grabs his wrist again.

'Yeah, you're going to feel that for another couple of days,' she tells him and she sounds like she thinks he deserves it. 'You'd do good to disinfect it every morning, too.'

'Great,' he says as he gets up. 'Thanks, Danneel.'

'Don't thank me,' she says quickly, but before he's out of the door she stops him. 'Hey Jensen. What's it like? Without a timer?'

'Falling in love?' He shrugs and shakes his head. 'I don't - Scary, I guess, and exciting. Liberating. You can just be yourself, you know, without having to think about your future together from the get-go.'

'That doesn't sound too bad.' Danneel smiles.

'It isn't,' Jensen confirms and throws her a smile back.

*

He's been standing in front of Jared's garden fence for ten minutes, but he just can't make himself walk in. He's pretty sure about what he wants to tell Jared, has a mental list of everything he needs to say. What he doesn't know, is how Jared will react and right now, Jensen is so nervous, he's not even sure if he can find out without collapsing.

'Jensen,' he suddenly hears Jared's voice from the other side of the garden. Jared's completely frozen in place, expression surprised and arms held out rigidly next to him, as if he was in the middle of doing something but forgot about it entirely.

Jensen's not doing much better either. He's waiting for Jared to say it's okay to come in, but when he doesn't, he gestures at the fence and looks up. 'Can I -'

'Sure,' Jared says immediately, obviously without thinking about it, because the moment he's spoken, Jensen can see him roll his eyes at himself. 'You - Why -'

'I'm not gonna stay long,' Jensen says quickly. 'I've just - There's something I want to say and after that I'll leave, if that's what you want.'

Jared doesn't say anything, he just raises his eyebrows and crosses his arms, like he's waiting for the show to start.

'Right, I-' Jensen starts and falls silent straight away. His nicely organized bullet points have been bullied into a corner by his nerves and he has no idea how to plead his case now. 'I - er. I want to say I'm sorry. I was. I acted like a complete jerk, before.'

Jared still doesn't speak, he just pulls a face that clearly says he thinks Jensen's got a point.

'And I-' Jensen heaves a sigh. Damn, this is hard. 'Fuck, Jared, I miss you. Not just as a friend, but as my date or my boy-'

'No, you don't have to say that,' Jared says hastily, cutting him off. 'That's not going to make me feel better, Jensen. We can stay friends, but you don't have to tell me things you think I wanna hear.'

'I'm not saying it to make you feel better,' Jensen blurts. Jared shakes his head, confused and perhaps even a little insulted. 'That came out wrong. What I meant is, I'm not saying this because this is what I think you want from me. I've thought about it and I'm - I'm pretty sure that this is what I want.'

'You know,' Jared says, shoulders slumping in defeat, 'I've thought about this too and I'm starting to believe that I was just as wrong, forcing you to do something you didn't want to to.'

'Didn't want? Jared,' Jensen asks, puzzled, 'were we even on the same dates? I had a blast. Things with you, they were so easy,' Jensen says, still trying to figure how he could've been so wrong. 'Right up until -'

'Right up until they weren't,' Jared finishes for him, arms still crossed. 'It's never going to be smooth sailing all the way, Jensen, and you can't turn tail and run every time it's not.'

'I know, I know,' Jensen admits, shaking his head. 'I didn't know then, but I know now.'

'So what changed?'

'Mack and Chad,' Jensen says with a shrug. 'I thought that when you met your One, it wasn't going to take any effort, you know? I thought that it was all going to take care of itself, that that's what being with your One was. That's what I was waiting for. But now, after seeing them - shit, man, it's hard work.'

'Yeah,' Jared agrees. 'But I ain't your One, Jensen - not that we know, at least - and it's going to be harder between the two of us, exactly because I don't have a timer. You've got no insurance that we're gonna last.'

'I know!' Jensen says. 'But-'

'And I ain't gonna get a timer,' Jared interrupts him. 'I told you that before, that hasn't changed.'

'I know, Jared,' Jensen says again, louder. 'That's-'

'And you're not going to stop looking over your shoulder for people without a timer that you can drag off to the center,' Jared continues like he hasn't even heard Jensen, 'and you're not gonna stop looking at your wrist, waiting for yours to start counting down.'

'No!' Jensen yells, feeling cornered.

'Then tell me how we're gonna make this work, Jensen,' he says, making a gesture that clearly states the stage is all his.

'I guess you're just going to have to go with your feelings, Jared, like I'm going to have to go with mine. That's what this was all about, right?' Jensen says, annoyed. It was Jared who told him about this, it was his plan. 'About making mistakes, falling in love and getting your heart broken. About not knowing what's coming next.'

Jared flinches at that, shifts his weight from his left leg to his right, as if he's never been more uncomfortable and never worse at hiding it.

And that tells Jensen all he needs to know: after all this, Jared is going to be the one who can't trust his feelings, who's afraid of getting hurt. It makes Jensen angry and frustrated. He closes his eyes and huffs out a mirthless laugh, makes a fist out of his right hand without thinking about it - like his body's getting ready to hit something. It makes his wrist hurt, and that reminds him why he's here, right now. It reminds him that this is pretty much his fault to begin with and that he can't leave here without setting it right.

He takes a deep breath to calm down and tries again. 'Come on, man. Don't tell me you're going to be the one to pull away. I'm here and I wanna do this, for real. You can't leave me hanging, not when you started all of this.'

Jared keeps staring at him for a while, like he's trying to read Jensen's thoughts, trying to read his body language to see if he's lying. Jensen wants to talk, wants to say something - anything - to convince Jared, but he has a feeling that he's only going to say the wrong thing again. And when Jared finally speaks, his voice is quiet and unsteady. 'How do I know you're not gonna take off the moment it starts counting down?'

'You're gonna have to trust me, Jay,' Jensen says with a shrug. 'Just like I'm going to have to trust that you're not going to leave me when something better comes along.'

'There is no-,' Jared says, but he stops himself before finishing the sentence. He clears his throat before he speaks again. 'That's not the same.'

'I think you'll find it's exactly the same,' Jensen says. He rolls up his sleeve and holds out his timerless arm.

Jared's mouth opens and closes a couple of times, eyes flying from Jensen's face to his wrist and back. 'You,' he manages to choke out after a few moments. 'You got it removed. Why?'

'I thought that would've been obvious.'

'You'll never find out who your One is, now,' Jared says, still breathless. His eyes are firmly fixed on his wrist, as if he's trying to figure out if Jensen could have faked it somehow.

He moves to cover his arm again, because this discussion should not be about whether or not Jensen removed the timer, it should be about them and the way they feel about each other. But before he's even got hold of his sleeve, Jared's reached out for him, puts his fingertips on the soft skin on the inside of his wrist, carefully, as if he's afraid he might still feel the device there. Jared's fingers are cold and damp, like Jensen's get when he's extremely nervous. It's the most intimate touch that's ever passed between them. It makes Jensen shiver, makes the hairs on his body stand on end. No one's ever been able to touch him there, but Jared succeeded. And when he looks up and right into Jared's eyes, Jensen thinks he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

'I think I've got an idea who it might be,' Jensen tells him.

'You don't know, not for sure,' Jared says immediately, like he's still afraid of believing him.

'Of course, I don't,' Jensen admits. 'But I know that if my timer had started counting down, I wouldn't have cared, Jared. I don't want to start all over, not when there's someone right here who knows me inside and out and still likes me - someone that I really like back. I'd be stupid to give that up. And that's all I need to know, in the end.'

Jared stares at him for a moment, fingertips still feeling his way around Jensen's arm as if he's blind. 'Wow,' he says finally. 'That's quite a speech you had prepared.'

Jensen can see the smile Jared's trying to hide and doesn't do a thing to keep his own from breaking out. He won. 'I know.'

'Took you long?'

'Too long,' Jensen says, and he hopes that in spite of them joking about it now, Jared knows he means it.

'Damn straight, princess.' Jared laughs and pulls Jensen close, takes his face in those enormous hands of his - not cold, not sweaty, but warm and alive - and kisses him like it's their first time.

Yep, Jensen thinks, entirely too long.

*



part one * masterpost * the wonderful amindaya's master art post