"#boringshoreleave"
Title: #boringshoreleave
Author: Fair Hearing
Pairing: Sulu/Chekov, Scotty/Uhura, McCoy/Kirk/Spock (please forgive me, various nun-teachers of my youth ;_;)
Rating: R
Warnings: Language, sexuality.
Kink request: "So, it's shore leave time and Kirk, Chekov, Bones, Spock, Scotty, Uhura, and Sulu all go their respective ways to do whatever they do on leave. They randomly end up on a chat room one night. Hilarity ensues."
Notes: Oh dear, more chat fic. I SWEAR TO GOD, I never wrote crack before this hateful glorious fandom. I never even wrote humor. I never even had JOKES. I used to write stuff with lyricism and stylistic choices and crap like that. I-I'm sure I'll do so again someday.
* DeafeningAwesome has entered #boringshoreleave
* Spock has entered #boringshoreleave
* ImADoctor has entered #boringshoreleave
* Cunning_Linguist has entered #boringshoreleave
[DeafeningAwesome] wow
* WhatsBeaminUp has entered #boringshoreleave
* Flying_Parry has entered #boringshoreleave
* Pridurok has entered #boringshoreleave
[DeafeningAwesome] we are all incredible nerds.
[Spock] Your reasoning for this assessment, Jim?
[DeafeningAwesome] well
[DeafeningAwesome] I didn't expect you guys to actually ANSWER the invitation.
[Pridurok] lol
[DeafeningAwesome] we're all clearly nerdy losers, huddling in a chat room instead of like
[DeafeningAwesome] actually GOING OUT, getting laid, experiencing sunlight, what have you.
[ImADoctor] I think you have a lifetime's worth of getting laid to tide you over, jim.
[Pridurok] hahaha
[Spock] Indeed. More relevantly, this particular shore leave has proven less conducive to leisure activities than previous ones.
[Cunning_Linguist] Boooooooooooring.
[Flying_Parry] It's also boring
[Flying_Parry] damn, beaten
[Pridurok] lol
[WhatsBeaminUp] You mean it's -- GASP -- boring, Spock?
[WhatsBeaminUp] bugger
* ENTENG0201742 has entered #boringshoreleave
[DeafeningAwesome] oooooh, an interloper.
[WhatsBeaminUp] sorry, serious lag, it's driving me kind of mad.
[Pridurok] mr scott- is Linksys PAP2?
[WhatsBeaminUp] n, I've always used fairly specialized equipment for my VoIP stuff. Or all software-based stuff.
[Pridurok] just run Asterisk@Home@Ent, bro
[WhatsBeaminUp] I want a hardware gateway, though. So I can use my communicator.
[Flying_Parry] Oh god please stop them now
[ImADoctor] Who's ENT42343523434523?
[Pridurok] lol fair enough but settings pages of PAP2 are....... hm
[Pridurok] big.
[DeafeningAwesome] a deaf-mute, apparently, bones.
[WhatsBeaminUp] lol this is tiny, bro.
[WhatsBeaminUp] would you like to borrow my goddamned manual on how to set up a MiWasco switch correctly.
[WhatsBeaminUp] It is 1 (one) billion pages.
[Flying_Parry] STOP THEM
[Flying_Parry] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
[DeafeningAwesome] Mr. Chekov, Mr. Scott
[Flying_Parry] STOP THEM
* Pridoruk hits Mr Sulu on head with manual
[DeafeningAwesome] I order you to end this conversation immediately.
[DeafeningAwesome] seriously.
[Pridurok] Yes sir.
* Flying_Parry throws manual out nearby airlock
[Spock] Jim, I realize resistance is still, most likely, futile; however, I once again feel that was an inappropriate use of executive privilege.
[Cunning_Linguist] What's necessary is rarely appropriate, Spock.
[Flying_Parry] WORD
[WhatsBeaminUp] everyone's against me. ;_;
* Pridoruk retreives manual with leete transporter skillez & jumps on mr sulu's orchids
[Flying_Parry] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!!
[Flying_Parry] MY BABIES!!!
[Cunning_Linguist] You brought this upon yourself, auldjin.
[ImADoctor] brb, bleeding redshirt alert
[WhatsBeaminUp] AULDJIN?
[WhatsBeaminUp] i'll have you know i'm not a day over 60.
[Cunning_Linguist] lol
[Cunning_Linguist] I would have never guessed.
[DeafeningAwesome] i think i am going to get some vodka
[DeafeningAwesome] in honor of mr chekov's rich heritage or something
[WhatsBeaminUp] Don't worry, I'm not offended. In fact, many would never guess, as I've maintained my svelte figure so well.
* Pridoruk did nt really jump on the orchids, just on Mr Sulu's stomach.
[Flying_Parry] lol
[Cunning_Linguist] I hope that wasn't supposed to be ironic, auldjin, because your figure is perfect.
[Cunning_Linguist] Not all of us cotton to Western society's boring-ass anemic beauty standards.
[WhatsBeaminUp] Easy for one to say when one fulfills all those standards.
* Flying_Parry is unhurt, as Ensign Chekov weighs approx .5 kilograms
[Pridurok] lol so cruel
[Spock] Mr. Chekov and Mr. Sulu, I assume your respective announced actions are humorous falsehoods and not a literal log of your respective activities. If not, I must remind you that attempted destruction of personal property, in addition to attempted physical harm, is anathema to both Starfleet regulation and human etiquette.
[Pridurok] Oh, sorry, Mr Spock! :) Yes, I am just joking
[Pridurok] I do nt know about hikaru though
[Pridurok] he may be doing this things in real life.
[Flying_Parry] lol I am not, you damn pridoruk
[Spock] Thank you for the reassurance.
[Cunning_Linguist] Oh, come on, Skawttie.
[WhatsBeaminUp] Whatever, you're too clever not to know you're gorgeous, I won't insult your intelligence, KNEE-OAT-UH
[Pridurok] gasping!! now come insults!! you see mr spock? he is very bad
[Spock] I suspect Mr. Sulu made that comment in jest, Mr. Chekov, as it is your current username.
* Flying_Parry throws the pridoruk Pavel into a water pipe, seals it up with aforementioned manual
[Pridurok] lmao SO CRUEL
[Flying_Parry] What?? I gave you something to read and everything!
[Spock] Please excuse my momentary absence; I have a visitor at my door.
[Cunning_Linguist] Tell you what
[Cunning_Linguist] I'll acknowledge people like the way I look, if you'll do the same.
[WhatsBeaminUp] ach
[WhatsBeaminUp] You win this round
* Pridoruk falls out excape hatch like mr scott, excapes to brige, gets beated up by mr spock, becomes captin & then shakes water all over hikaru
* Pridoruk like dog
[Flying_Parry] ackpt
[WhatsBeaminUp] But someday victory WILL be mine.
[Cunning_Linguist] We'll see.
[WhatsBeaminUp] lol, oi, a little verisimilitude, if you please?
[WhatsBeaminUp] i highly doubt mr chekov would still be functional after his sudden (sodden) jaunt in the WFS.
[WhatsBeaminUp] that shit was bloody baltic, bro
[Cunning_Linguist] lol, sudden-sodden
[Cunning_Linguist] 8/10, Mr. Scott.
* WhatsBeaminUp beams, appropriately.
[WhatsBeaminUp] HEY, wait a second
* Flying_Parry turns down the thermostat 10 degrees. He is happy to suffer through this if Ensign Chekov shares his misery.
[WhatsBeaminUp] I outrank you! You can't give me grades!
* Cunning_Linguist whistles innocently.
* Pridoruk laughs because I have reprogramed thermostat so the changes only effect mr sulu.
[Pridurok] i should actually do this some day, actually
* Flying_Parry is now known as An
* An anomalous space-time fissure suddenly swallows Ensign Chekov whole, then vanishes as suddenly as it appeared.
* An d nothing of value is lost.
[Pridurok] :(
[Cunning_Linguist] Uh oh, signs are beginning to point to epic here.
[WhatsBeaminUp] Indeed, auldjin.
[Cunning_Linguist] lol, *you're* the auldjin!
* An is now known as However
* Pridurok is now known as Mr_Sulu
* However, this lack of loss is only because Ensign Chekov managed to beam himself to safety 15 minutes before the fissure appeared, so he's still on the bridge.
* Mr_Sulu was first one to fall into anomaly. electromagnetic force of two bodies in extreme gravitey causes reversed polarity. pavel is expelled back into space. in a space suite so he does not die. jumps on hikaru's stomach again as he is leaving.
[However]: ow my fuckin stomach
[WhatsBeaminUp] I don't recall any kind of auldjinness being established in regard to my person.
[Cunning_Linguist] I have logs suggesting otherwise, sir.
* However is now known as Pavel
* Mr_Sulu gets expelled back too eventually, and also has space suite.
[Mr_Sulu] his stomach is strong and O. K.
* Pavel 's relief is short-lived, however, when he suddenly finds himself on that planet where the brain guys trap you in different realities. Everything seems idyllic at first: all six retro-gen consoles WITH backwards compatibility, 10 cases of Dr. Pepper, Ludvig Faddeev's complete works. However, when he settles in with a book -- it's a fencing manual. All the games -- fencing simulations. The Dr. Pepper tastes not like Dr. Pepper but like a thousand rusty foils. Pavel lets out one, silent, impotent scream to the raging sky.
[WhatsBeaminUp] asdasdf
[Cunning_Linguist] lol
[Mr_Sulu] lol hikaru you will pay
[ImADoctor] Back
[DeafeningAwesome] back.
[Spock] I am once again present.
* Mr_Sulu is forced to hang out with aunt yukiko for ever
[Pavel] lmao fuck you
[WhatsBeaminUp] wb crewbros
* Pavel is strangled, strangled
* Mr_Sulu and she makes spagetti every night
[Spock] Thank you, Mr. Scott.
* Pavel is strangled, strangled
[DeafeningAwesome] lol, ENGENT1111131 is still here?
[DeafeningAwesome] maybe he/she/it is a robot.
* Mr_Sulu 's hands explode when he trys to strangle someone. no explination why.
* Pavel IS STILL STRANGLED BY OTHERS
[DeafeningAwesome] my god, you two, get a room.
* Mr_Sulu STILL EXPLODS
* Mr_Sulu is now known as Ensign_Pavel_A_Chekov
[Ensign_Pavel_A_Chekov] I'm sorry sir.
[Cunning_Linguist] Tch, look what you did, Jim.
* Pavel is now known as HikaruSulu
[Cunning_Linguist] That was getting very entertaining.
[DeafeningAwesome] lol, that was the weirdest double-nick-switch of all time just now.
[DeafeningAwesome] I'M SEEIN DOUBLE. EIGHT CHEKULUS.
[HikaruSulu] HAHAHAHA :|
[ImADoctor] uh, yeah? if you seriously think you can get him to join in again. i'm still kinda pissed though, the best orgasm of my life and it has to be from SPOCK
* Cunning_Linguist spittake
[WhatsBeaminUp] lol WHAT
[Cunning_Linguist] did I just read that???
* ImADoctor has left #boringshoreleave
[HikaruSulu] what. the fuck.
[Ensign_Pavel_A_Chekov] lololol
* Spock has left #boringshoreleave
[DeafeningAwesome] SSDSHF LMAO LMAO OH MY FUCKING GOD LMAO
* ImADoctor has joined #boringshoreleave
[DeafeningAwesome] o hay wassup bonez.
[ImADoctor] Wrong window, okay?
[ImADoctor] It was supposed to be a goddamn PM
[DeafeningAwesome] oh jesus balls, bones i'm dying, lmao
[ImADoctor] I'm not THAT fucking vulgar.
[ImADoctor] oh fuck you, jim
[WhatsBeaminUp] Wait, now we need details.
[Cunning_Linguist] Seriously.
[Cunning_Linguist] I mean, it's true, Spock gives amazing orgasms, but *context,* doctor.
[ImADoctor] fuck y'all too.
* HikaruSulu shoves Pavel into the middle of chat
[HikaruSulu] oh sorry, that was supposed to be into a PM
[DeafeningAwesome] LMAO
[Ensign_Pavel_A_Chekov] lmaodasfdhgnd
[ImADoctor] FUCK YOU ALL
[ENTENG0201742] *gasps!*
[ENTENG0201742] wait a second! did you and jim and spock just have a threesome?!
[DeafeningAwesome] lol?????
[ENTENG0201742] that is so great!
* ENTENG0201742 is now known as Easy_Being;_Green
[Easy_Being;_Green] are you guys gonna do it again?! can I come?! if you know what I mean?!
[DeafeningAwesome] LMFAOOOO
[ImADoctor] angels and ministers of mercy preserve us.
[Cunning_Linguist] lmao Gaila, 10/10 for the nick.
[Easy_Being;_Green] thnx roomie! ;D
* Spock has entered #boringshoreleave
[Spock] I have determined that embarassment is intrinsically illogical.
[Easy_Being;_Green] spock!! i heard about the threesome!!
* Spock has left #boringshoreleave
[Easy_Being;_Green] :(
[DeafeningAwesome] brb, fucking dying