(no subject)
I guess I can tell Shea never mind about homecoming now. I don't think that he really wanted to go with me anyways. I mean why would he? It's me. It would've been fun, but I can't even afford homecoming now so...yeah I guess I have to miss out this year.
So yeah...life is dandy. NOT. I talked to Devon last night and he told me Ashlei's mad at me because I didn't stay with Devon long and I didn't stay with Alan long either. Really she doesn't know the entire story because there are other contributing reasons that weren't written in here. So incase she reads this and wants to know, here it is:
Since me and James broke up it's hard for me to be in a relationship. I'm trying the hardest I can but when I really start to like someone (like I really started to like Devon) I get scared and don't know how to handle it, so like the child I am, I weasle my way out of it. I'm too scared to give my trust to someone. Hopefully I'll be able to do that again soon because I'm not for the whole hurting people even though I know I already have. It's not like I intentionally tried to make either one of them feel bad when I broke up with them. If I sat and talked this out with Ashlei I'm sure she would understand but we don't really talk much anymore. I miss her. I figured like even after me and Devon broke up me and her would still talk a lot but I guess I figured wrong. I guess nothing I ever do is the right choice anymore.
Alan picked me up from school today and we went to my house and hung out a little bit. He apologized for calling me and making me feel like shit the other night. I understand that he didn't mean to make me feel the way he did, but his apology didn't make me feel any better. I know that I was in the wrong for kissing Brittany because it made her break Alan's trust because she told him nothing would happen. But reguardless of the fact that the things he said on the phone the other night made me hope I could just die in my sleep, I'm still going to talk to him because I can't stay mad at people. And yeah I wanted to be like, "Yeah just go fuck yourself" when he called me and bitched at me but instead I sat and took it because I knew I deserved to be bitched at. I'm not one to deny things when I'm wrong so when I know I'm wrong I sit and take the shit from people for it because I know I deserve it. I dunno...the thing I hate about being scared to get into another serious relationship sucks because I hate being single. I want to be with someone and know I'm special to them but at the same time, when I was special to someone (James) and then finally trusted him, he turned around and cheated on me. That was my first love, so yeah of course, it freakin hurt. I didn't show it much because I know I needed to prove to myself that I'm strong and that I didn't need him to carry on with my life, because I always thought I needed him just to breathe. Me and Devon have been talking more and more lately which is good because he's nice to talk to. He's a good friend. But yeah so I decided I'm not going to homecoming. Me and Mikey are going to see Slingshot 57 play at Wake The Dead instead. Wow! That rhymed! Gosh I'm good! Haha I'm a retard.
But I'm done for now. So yeah this is it.
<3 K-Tina ::aka:: Christina
So yeah...life is dandy. NOT. I talked to Devon last night and he told me Ashlei's mad at me because I didn't stay with Devon long and I didn't stay with Alan long either. Really she doesn't know the entire story because there are other contributing reasons that weren't written in here. So incase she reads this and wants to know, here it is:
Since me and James broke up it's hard for me to be in a relationship. I'm trying the hardest I can but when I really start to like someone (like I really started to like Devon) I get scared and don't know how to handle it, so like the child I am, I weasle my way out of it. I'm too scared to give my trust to someone. Hopefully I'll be able to do that again soon because I'm not for the whole hurting people even though I know I already have. It's not like I intentionally tried to make either one of them feel bad when I broke up with them. If I sat and talked this out with Ashlei I'm sure she would understand but we don't really talk much anymore. I miss her. I figured like even after me and Devon broke up me and her would still talk a lot but I guess I figured wrong. I guess nothing I ever do is the right choice anymore.
Alan picked me up from school today and we went to my house and hung out a little bit. He apologized for calling me and making me feel like shit the other night. I understand that he didn't mean to make me feel the way he did, but his apology didn't make me feel any better. I know that I was in the wrong for kissing Brittany because it made her break Alan's trust because she told him nothing would happen. But reguardless of the fact that the things he said on the phone the other night made me hope I could just die in my sleep, I'm still going to talk to him because I can't stay mad at people. And yeah I wanted to be like, "Yeah just go fuck yourself" when he called me and bitched at me but instead I sat and took it because I knew I deserved to be bitched at. I'm not one to deny things when I'm wrong so when I know I'm wrong I sit and take the shit from people for it because I know I deserve it. I dunno...the thing I hate about being scared to get into another serious relationship sucks because I hate being single. I want to be with someone and know I'm special to them but at the same time, when I was special to someone (James) and then finally trusted him, he turned around and cheated on me. That was my first love, so yeah of course, it freakin hurt. I didn't show it much because I know I needed to prove to myself that I'm strong and that I didn't need him to carry on with my life, because I always thought I needed him just to breathe. Me and Devon have been talking more and more lately which is good because he's nice to talk to. He's a good friend. But yeah so I decided I'm not going to homecoming. Me and Mikey are going to see Slingshot 57 play at Wake The Dead instead. Wow! That rhymed! Gosh I'm good! Haha I'm a retard.
But I'm done for now. So yeah this is it.
<3 K-Tina ::aka:: Christina