Words cannot convey my feelings
I watched the new The Three Musketeers today.
I knew it would be bad. There was a review in our newspaper ripping it apart and I also read nessaniels thoughts about it, but nothing, really nothing, could have prepared me for that -sorry- complete crap.Oh where should I start? Let me be fair to the movie and say what I liked about it:
- D'Artagnion was actually played by a really young actor. I think that was quite good, because it's easier to forgive him some of the stupid and rash desicions if you see he is not much more than a teenager and not a guy about the same age as the other musketeers.
- Christoph Waltz was good as Richelieu...more later.
So yeah...so much for the good stuff...now where should I start with tha stuff I didn't like? Perhaps with a short excursion: I did not like the RDJ-Holmes-movie as Holmes-adaption. Mainly because it said 'canon? screw it!' in even more ways than the adaption with James D'Arcy as emo!Holmes having threesomes...I did like it simply as a movie. It was funny, the plot was somewhat cool (and they had obviously spent some time going over the script to cover up the most gaping plotholes) and it did not take itself too serious.
None of this can be said about the new Musketeer-movie.
It was just plain terrible, it had the most stupid and cliched fighting-scenes and afterwards Athos told D'Artagnion some sentences he got out of a fortune-cookie as if they were the deepest wisdom (Live is not worth living if you don't love).
Buckingham...you know I'm not saying that Orlando Bloom is a bad actor...I think his role was crap. He was the type 'I am evil because I am evil. Muhahaha.' Waltz as Richelieu was different (and probably one of the two reasons I did not leave halfway through the movie although I had payed 10 € for the bloody 3D-Version, I don't care about anyway), he was hillariously genre-savy (Queen storms in: "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!!!" "Is this the point where I laugh a diabolical laugh and tell you about all my evil plans?") and...well...I was rooting for him because he was clever. As oposed to the king...yeah he also isn't that bright in the books, but he's mainly young and unexperienced...in the movie he is just plain stupid and throws a tantrum because he thinks his clothing advisor has advised him not properly. I am sorry but if you act like a spoiled brat you are not bloody fit to rule a whole kingdom under the threat of war. I much rather have Christoph Waltz instead, thank you very much.
Talking about spoiled brats: I will not complain about the fact that they turned Mylady in a world-class assasin...I mean they inserted random airships in the movie, changing Mylady does not make it much worse...the fact that everytime one of her plans failed she looked like a sulky teenager. World-class assasins don't act like this. They have either a plan B or commit suicide.
Also: why o why do modern adaptions always have to change the original plot from 'The Queen actually had an affair with Buckingham' to 'The Queen is pure and innocent as snow and teh evil plot by the Cardinal/Mylady is making her look like an adulteress'.
Oh...right...because the audience could obviously never feel sympathy for a woman who cheats. They are all evil whores and don't deserve to be saved.
Excuse me while I puke in a corner.
More also: Dear writers. Yes in the book the three Musketeers also occasionaly make fun of Planchet (Porthos' servant). In a friendly way. It is still a master-servant relationship, but they respect him. He helps them on some occasions and shows bravery. In the movie they are simply emotionally abusive to him...even after he helped them they still treat him like he was a complete morron and absolutely useless.
Excuse me while I puke in another corner.
Now I was saying the Christoph Waltz was one of the two reasons I did not leave early. Reason two: I was playing 'spot the scenery.' Bamberg was pretty (though: Fachwerkhäuser in 18th century-Paris?) I am pretty sure I now that bridge, they were running over and over again for various reasons, and walked over it myself XD And WÜRZBURG <3 The old Main-bridge! With St. Kilian and all the others! (I could now ask what our local patron saint was doing in Paris...but I didn't ask what the airships were doing ther either). And the Residenz <3 while it was obviously heavily -eh- photoshopped....CGIed...how do they call that in a movie? it was still recognisable...and you even got some interior-shoots (Tiepolo-Fresco FTW!).
I still somehow wish someone would give me back these two hours of my life.
I knew it would be bad. There was a review in our newspaper ripping it apart and I also read nessaniels thoughts about it, but nothing, really nothing, could have prepared me for that -sorry- complete crap.Oh where should I start? Let me be fair to the movie and say what I liked about it:
- D'Artagnion was actually played by a really young actor. I think that was quite good, because it's easier to forgive him some of the stupid and rash desicions if you see he is not much more than a teenager and not a guy about the same age as the other musketeers.
- Christoph Waltz was good as Richelieu...more later.
So yeah...so much for the good stuff...now where should I start with tha stuff I didn't like? Perhaps with a short excursion: I did not like the RDJ-Holmes-movie as Holmes-adaption. Mainly because it said 'canon? screw it!' in even more ways than the adaption with James D'Arcy as emo!Holmes having threesomes...I did like it simply as a movie. It was funny, the plot was somewhat cool (and they had obviously spent some time going over the script to cover up the most gaping plotholes) and it did not take itself too serious.
None of this can be said about the new Musketeer-movie.
It was just plain terrible, it had the most stupid and cliched fighting-scenes and afterwards Athos told D'Artagnion some sentences he got out of a fortune-cookie as if they were the deepest wisdom (Live is not worth living if you don't love).
Buckingham...you know I'm not saying that Orlando Bloom is a bad actor...I think his role was crap. He was the type 'I am evil because I am evil. Muhahaha.' Waltz as Richelieu was different (and probably one of the two reasons I did not leave halfway through the movie although I had payed 10 € for the bloody 3D-Version, I don't care about anyway), he was hillariously genre-savy (Queen storms in: "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!!!" "Is this the point where I laugh a diabolical laugh and tell you about all my evil plans?") and...well...I was rooting for him because he was clever. As oposed to the king...yeah he also isn't that bright in the books, but he's mainly young and unexperienced...in the movie he is just plain stupid and throws a tantrum because he thinks his clothing advisor has advised him not properly. I am sorry but if you act like a spoiled brat you are not bloody fit to rule a whole kingdom under the threat of war. I much rather have Christoph Waltz instead, thank you very much.
Talking about spoiled brats: I will not complain about the fact that they turned Mylady in a world-class assasin...I mean they inserted random airships in the movie, changing Mylady does not make it much worse...the fact that everytime one of her plans failed she looked like a sulky teenager. World-class assasins don't act like this. They have either a plan B or commit suicide.
Also: why o why do modern adaptions always have to change the original plot from 'The Queen actually had an affair with Buckingham' to 'The Queen is pure and innocent as snow and teh evil plot by the Cardinal/Mylady is making her look like an adulteress'.
Oh...right...because the audience could obviously never feel sympathy for a woman who cheats. They are all evil whores and don't deserve to be saved.
Excuse me while I puke in a corner.
More also: Dear writers. Yes in the book the three Musketeers also occasionaly make fun of Planchet (Porthos' servant). In a friendly way. It is still a master-servant relationship, but they respect him. He helps them on some occasions and shows bravery. In the movie they are simply emotionally abusive to him...even after he helped them they still treat him like he was a complete morron and absolutely useless.
Excuse me while I puke in another corner.
Now I was saying the Christoph Waltz was one of the two reasons I did not leave early. Reason two: I was playing 'spot the scenery.' Bamberg was pretty (though: Fachwerkhäuser in 18th century-Paris?) I am pretty sure I now that bridge, they were running over and over again for various reasons, and walked over it myself XD And WÜRZBURG <3 The old Main-bridge! With St. Kilian and all the others! (I could now ask what our local patron saint was doing in Paris...but I didn't ask what the airships were doing ther either). And the Residenz <3 while it was obviously heavily -eh- photoshopped....CGIed...how do they call that in a movie? it was still recognisable...and you even got some interior-shoots (Tiepolo-Fresco FTW!).
I still somehow wish someone would give me back these two hours of my life.