i've never felt less neurotypical than i have since i started working again.
I mean, I've nearly always known: Jo's brain does not work like the standard brain, for good or for ill (a heavy dose of both really). But I thought I had it mostly under control, and I thought it was mostly None Of My Interests Are Entirely Normal and I Am An Introvert And Need To Recharge and Sometimes My Brain Turns Inside-Out And Everything Is Bad But This Rarely Happens In Public So That's Okay.
At work -- well, first off, much has been made of the fact that I don't talk much. (I know, you all find that hilarious.) I don't have anything to say! I am talkative with people I like and am comfortable with, to the point of embarrassing myself sometimes, but my life is kind of weird and I don't really have any especial inclination to hand over bits of it for people to pick over and be confused by just because they happen to be working behind me. Also it is really hard for me to talk and work at the same time. I can kind of stir things and talk at the same time, but then I get confused and can't remember what to do next because following the conversation and saying the right things at the right time is taking up all of my brain energy. And everyone in the kitchen is super normal and also male and every time I have talked about something pertaining to me I have had to do a lot of explaining and it's just exhausting. (The only non-awkward conversation I've had thus far was about beer and wine we like.)
ALSO I COME TO WORK TO DO MY WORK AND NOT TO MAKE FRIENDS. I am friendly! I am cheerful! If a friendship develops I am not going to reject it! It is not something I am especially interested in at the moment nor do I really have the time or energy for it! Bah. Stop teasing me all the time for not talking enough when there are tons of other people to talk to in the kitchen and I am, as far as I know, getting my work done well and efficiently.
That's not the bit that's making me feel wildly, unfamiliarly non-neurotypical, however. I mean, yes, it's a little draining to realise that other people apparently make friends really easily and I... do not. (For me, friendships are committed relationships and I am extremely close to the people I count as my friends. There's a lot of effort and emotional intimacy involved, so I don't have room for everyone. In general I will probably like you and smile at you, but mutual cheerfulness does not equal friendship for me, and I can't make it be that way.) The thing is, since I started working I feel extra weird in the brain, extra stupid and naive, extra alien. Like... sometimes I am focused on my work and I don't even notice when people are near me or set down large objects on my workspace or take them away. Or people talk to me and my ears hear it vaguely but my brain doesn't even register that someone is directing speech me-wards. I get extra confused about social cues (HOW DO YOU SAY HI TO PEOPLE?!), and suddenly I... keep missing sarcasm.
No, seriously. People are sarcastic and I completely miss it.
I'm just as baffled as you are. I thought I was good at sarcasm! I have got into trouble because I will be sarcastic and melodramatic and people think I am genuinely complaining about something silly! I love sarcasm! Why am I suddenly unable to detect it in others? Is my brain energy just too worn out from existing with other people and concentrating on Getting Stuff Done that it doesn't have time to also interpret facial/vocal subtleties? Is it that off medication nothing works at all? I don't understand and I don't bloody like it.
At work -- well, first off, much has been made of the fact that I don't talk much. (I know, you all find that hilarious.) I don't have anything to say! I am talkative with people I like and am comfortable with, to the point of embarrassing myself sometimes, but my life is kind of weird and I don't really have any especial inclination to hand over bits of it for people to pick over and be confused by just because they happen to be working behind me. Also it is really hard for me to talk and work at the same time. I can kind of stir things and talk at the same time, but then I get confused and can't remember what to do next because following the conversation and saying the right things at the right time is taking up all of my brain energy. And everyone in the kitchen is super normal and also male and every time I have talked about something pertaining to me I have had to do a lot of explaining and it's just exhausting. (The only non-awkward conversation I've had thus far was about beer and wine we like.)
ALSO I COME TO WORK TO DO MY WORK AND NOT TO MAKE FRIENDS. I am friendly! I am cheerful! If a friendship develops I am not going to reject it! It is not something I am especially interested in at the moment nor do I really have the time or energy for it! Bah. Stop teasing me all the time for not talking enough when there are tons of other people to talk to in the kitchen and I am, as far as I know, getting my work done well and efficiently.
That's not the bit that's making me feel wildly, unfamiliarly non-neurotypical, however. I mean, yes, it's a little draining to realise that other people apparently make friends really easily and I... do not. (For me, friendships are committed relationships and I am extremely close to the people I count as my friends. There's a lot of effort and emotional intimacy involved, so I don't have room for everyone. In general I will probably like you and smile at you, but mutual cheerfulness does not equal friendship for me, and I can't make it be that way.) The thing is, since I started working I feel extra weird in the brain, extra stupid and naive, extra alien. Like... sometimes I am focused on my work and I don't even notice when people are near me or set down large objects on my workspace or take them away. Or people talk to me and my ears hear it vaguely but my brain doesn't even register that someone is directing speech me-wards. I get extra confused about social cues (HOW DO YOU SAY HI TO PEOPLE?!), and suddenly I... keep missing sarcasm.
No, seriously. People are sarcastic and I completely miss it.
I'm just as baffled as you are. I thought I was good at sarcasm! I have got into trouble because I will be sarcastic and melodramatic and people think I am genuinely complaining about something silly! I love sarcasm! Why am I suddenly unable to detect it in others? Is my brain energy just too worn out from existing with other people and concentrating on Getting Stuff Done that it doesn't have time to also interpret facial/vocal subtleties? Is it that off medication nothing works at all? I don't understand and I don't bloody like it.