(no subject)
It never ceases to amaze me, how the second I decide to update my LJ, 3 people simlitaniously decide to IM me, all needing my attention after I've been left alone for a complete century. One of life's cute little mysteries, I guess.
Anyhoo, life's been weird, as usual. On and off good and weird and dull and and exciting and sad and I'm pretty sure I could use every single green card from apples to describe it.
There's something missing. I know there is, and I have known. A week or so ago, I sat down to figure it out. I was going to write a list of things I need, and find out what it was lacking. It came out with only one item: 'to feel complete'. And then I stopped writing, because that was the key. I don't feel complete.
I was playing spider solitaire, and listening to music, because that's what I do in S. Tiverton when I've been screwed out of a job and have no money for gas. A song by Azure Ray came up on my playlist, and the lyrics hit me "I was afraid to be alone. But now I'm scared that's how I like to be", and that's just how I feel. I'm scared that I'm scared of commitment, but then again, I might just be avoiding listening to my own needs. You shouldn't feel alone when you're with somebody else. But I feel even worse now that there is nobody else.
And then I went to Waterfire. I was very excited, because it's one of my favorite things. But when we finally sat down by the river, I had the most overwhelming feeling of sorrow wash over me. That is not supposed to happen.
What I mean to say is that I broke up with Adam.
We still spend a lot of time together. I wouldn't know how not to. I wouldn't know how not to love him still. He means a whole world to me. I'd be a wreck to lose him...
I'm talking right now with somebody who knows this first hand.
and coming out knowing i'm a loser.
c'est
la
vie.
Anyhoo, life's been weird, as usual. On and off good and weird and dull and and exciting and sad and I'm pretty sure I could use every single green card from apples to describe it.
There's something missing. I know there is, and I have known. A week or so ago, I sat down to figure it out. I was going to write a list of things I need, and find out what it was lacking. It came out with only one item: 'to feel complete'. And then I stopped writing, because that was the key. I don't feel complete.
I was playing spider solitaire, and listening to music, because that's what I do in S. Tiverton when I've been screwed out of a job and have no money for gas. A song by Azure Ray came up on my playlist, and the lyrics hit me "I was afraid to be alone. But now I'm scared that's how I like to be", and that's just how I feel. I'm scared that I'm scared of commitment, but then again, I might just be avoiding listening to my own needs. You shouldn't feel alone when you're with somebody else. But I feel even worse now that there is nobody else.
And then I went to Waterfire. I was very excited, because it's one of my favorite things. But when we finally sat down by the river, I had the most overwhelming feeling of sorrow wash over me. That is not supposed to happen.
What I mean to say is that I broke up with Adam.
We still spend a lot of time together. I wouldn't know how not to. I wouldn't know how not to love him still. He means a whole world to me. I'd be a wreck to lose him...
I'm talking right now with somebody who knows this first hand.
and coming out knowing i'm a loser.
c'est
la
vie.