Brigit's Flame--August, week 1

[faerie_spark]

I am not a poet, and this is not a completed piece, but I share it for consideration. Feedback is always welcome

Comments

[cedarwolfsinger]

This is a lovely piece, dear. Well done. Good luck with it.

[dana3]

Last line -- why did you choose "will you" vs "you will", especially given the question mark at the end?

Also, strictly stylistic and please feel free to disregard the suggestion -- line 1 -- what about "looking through" vs "look through" my looking glass? Yes, parallel construction, yes, active verb, yes, a bit of word play -- but does it fit or not for your work?

Enquiring minds, deferring to the poet -- :Dana

[faerie_spark]

Dana,

Thanks for the suggestion re the first line. I'll look at this.

This poem is actually a revision of one I wrote while in high school--a poem that was highly regarded at the time, but which I now think is weak, uninteresting, and uninformed.

My revision is stil breaking out of the confines of the original structure.

As to the last line, it's just word play. Might fit better if I used similar word play in the rest of the poem, or it might not fit at all.

Thank you for reading, and giving feedback. I'm learning, as a writer, how crucial the perspective of others can be.

Robin

[dana3]

I write sometimes, used to write poetry. I love word play! Have also found that it's next to impossible (for me) to rewrite my early stuff. Yes, I usually know where I was trying to go with it, but my style and approach have so changed over the years that I can't pound it out. (Imagine the thumping rolling pin work involved in, say, chicken piccata.) THAT kind of pounding, and still no success. :(

Then time and distance allowed me to get some perspective on some of the boyz that made me pine like that, and I learned to laugh -- mostly at myself, though a little bit at them. :) Helps that I ended up with the right guy, and at least now when there's angst it's about something more solid (ie, which storm doors to get?) and less about pointing our lives in different directions.

Thanks for sharing your poetry. I feel honored. Best -- :Dana

[katden]

"My looking glass is there,
For the eyes of your soul to see,
The visions I can know,
Of life and dreams and love."

"For the eyes of your soul to see,"

Um. I just love that!!!

[ephemeralbreath]

Hello, my name is Kelly, and I'm one of your editors for this week. I read through the comments above me, and I saw that this was a revised version of a poem you wrote a while ago. Looking at a piece from a whole new angle is a really hard thing to do

Edit

[harlotbug3]

[Morning. I’m following a bagel with a muffin and a story with a poem. Pretend the [brackets] contain my red pen and take everything I say as seriously as you take your own work and everyone will be happy

Re: Edit

[faerie_spark]

You're absolutely right that it colours the reader's perceptions to preface the poem as I did. I don't like to see artists, of any kind, apologizing for their work. Ah, hypocrisy.

Thanks for your suggestions.