So....huh....
So, I got an email.
Not gonna tell you from who or what it was about....if you know me well enough, you know what I was waiting for.
And now....it has solidified in my brain, more then ever, that I need to go to this film school in New York.
I need to do something, anything, with my life and why not do something that I can enjoy and have a better chance at getting a job afterward than film school.
Regular college would have dumped me on my ass with nothing but a superiority complex (I was going for English and I'm already a walking-talking dictionary....can you imagine after four years of nothing but English teachings and papers?) and no hope for a job other then teaching (which....oh my god, kill me now!).
I have been inspired....and I'd like to thank that person for that.
Mom told me that it could definitely happen for me. I'd just have to take out a loan that would include my living expenses (so over $6,000), and that way I'd have enough money to just concentrate on school and not have to worry about work (like what happened at PSY) or friends (also like what happened at PSY). This sounds like a plan to me....I'm not big on people anyway.
I'm just really scared. Scared that even though I have some skill and a lot of imagination, that I'm going to fall flat on my face. Flunk out and end up right back here....where I don't want to be.
I want so much more for my life then what's already been dealt to me. I want to live now, more than ever....and I just don't know if I really have what it takes.
I'm braver now then I was before....but how much bravery is it going to take to move to NYC and go to school and be alone? I mean, I don't party, so I won't get abducted from a bar or anything. As long as I have a kitchenette, I won't have to order take-out and risk the delivery guy being a psycho. And as long as I don't have any night classes, I have no worries of getting back to my dorm (and I'm sure they have a security guy, like most campuses, who would walk with me if I felt unsafe).
I just don't know what to do. I want to go, but the fear is so strong. It echoes in the back of my head, telling me I'm no good, and that the email was a lie to make me feel better. That all the compliments I received on my videos were lies.
And the only person who ever told me the truth about everything (especially when I didn't want to hear it) is gone and not coming back....and doesn't care about me anymore anyway.
I'm really fucked.
Not gonna tell you from who or what it was about....if you know me well enough, you know what I was waiting for.
And now....it has solidified in my brain, more then ever, that I need to go to this film school in New York.
I need to do something, anything, with my life and why not do something that I can enjoy and have a better chance at getting a job afterward than film school.
Regular college would have dumped me on my ass with nothing but a superiority complex (I was going for English and I'm already a walking-talking dictionary....can you imagine after four years of nothing but English teachings and papers?) and no hope for a job other then teaching (which....oh my god, kill me now!).
I have been inspired....and I'd like to thank that person for that.
Mom told me that it could definitely happen for me. I'd just have to take out a loan that would include my living expenses (so over $6,000), and that way I'd have enough money to just concentrate on school and not have to worry about work (like what happened at PSY) or friends (also like what happened at PSY). This sounds like a plan to me....I'm not big on people anyway.
I'm just really scared. Scared that even though I have some skill and a lot of imagination, that I'm going to fall flat on my face. Flunk out and end up right back here....where I don't want to be.
I want so much more for my life then what's already been dealt to me. I want to live now, more than ever....and I just don't know if I really have what it takes.
I'm braver now then I was before....but how much bravery is it going to take to move to NYC and go to school and be alone? I mean, I don't party, so I won't get abducted from a bar or anything. As long as I have a kitchenette, I won't have to order take-out and risk the delivery guy being a psycho. And as long as I don't have any night classes, I have no worries of getting back to my dorm (and I'm sure they have a security guy, like most campuses, who would walk with me if I felt unsafe).
I just don't know what to do. I want to go, but the fear is so strong. It echoes in the back of my head, telling me I'm no good, and that the email was a lie to make me feel better. That all the compliments I received on my videos were lies.
And the only person who ever told me the truth about everything (especially when I didn't want to hear it) is gone and not coming back....and doesn't care about me anymore anyway.
I'm really fucked.