*sigh*
How does one come to terms with something being over when you wish it weren't so?
When do the nights of waking up with sodden pillows stop?
How do you go through mementos... photos... tokens of affection and place them in hiding?
After so long how does one reshape and re-mold their life to eliminate something that was so significant?
I don't know how to do these things. I just cannot seem to get my head to come to terms with the situation.
I can't seem to take down the pictures from the top of my TV and switch them with ones that illicit happiness.
I can't seem to not dwell on plans made and past times.
I can't seem to figure out how to function socially without someone at my side.
I just feel like life is slipping.
Though sadly when one thing falls apart in my life the rest seem to slip back into place.
I have a job... though I will maintain my hunt for a better working environment.
I am in MUCH less debt.
I am losing weight.
I am healthier.
But for some reason though all this good is going on in the wake of something so painful the pain seems to be swelling up and taking over.
I do not know why I let it get to me so damn much...
I give such good advice to my friends when they feel like this but when it comes to myself I am at a complete loss.
I know I should take down the photos so that I at least can dwell less by not having him be the first thing I see when I wake and the last I see before I fall asleep... but as I said it is a feat easier said than done.
I just think I need distraction... a LOT of distraction. I need good friends and good times. I need laughter, dancing, singing and shenanigans. I need anything that keeps me from spiraling into a pattern I have known too well... a pattern that leaves me in the beds of too many friends using and letting myself be used. I cannot go back there... even if it does make me "feel better" in the log run it will make me feel worse.
Everyone is giving me someone to blame... but I don't think I want to blame anyone. I have to keep believing 'everything happens for a reason' or there is no reason for me to be here... 'everything happens for a reason' is what keeps me going.
When do the nights of waking up with sodden pillows stop?
How do you go through mementos... photos... tokens of affection and place them in hiding?
After so long how does one reshape and re-mold their life to eliminate something that was so significant?
I don't know how to do these things. I just cannot seem to get my head to come to terms with the situation.
I can't seem to take down the pictures from the top of my TV and switch them with ones that illicit happiness.
I can't seem to not dwell on plans made and past times.
I can't seem to figure out how to function socially without someone at my side.
I just feel like life is slipping.
Though sadly when one thing falls apart in my life the rest seem to slip back into place.
I have a job... though I will maintain my hunt for a better working environment.
I am in MUCH less debt.
I am losing weight.
I am healthier.
But for some reason though all this good is going on in the wake of something so painful the pain seems to be swelling up and taking over.
I do not know why I let it get to me so damn much...
I give such good advice to my friends when they feel like this but when it comes to myself I am at a complete loss.
I know I should take down the photos so that I at least can dwell less by not having him be the first thing I see when I wake and the last I see before I fall asleep... but as I said it is a feat easier said than done.
I just think I need distraction... a LOT of distraction. I need good friends and good times. I need laughter, dancing, singing and shenanigans. I need anything that keeps me from spiraling into a pattern I have known too well... a pattern that leaves me in the beds of too many friends using and letting myself be used. I cannot go back there... even if it does make me "feel better" in the log run it will make me feel worse.
Everyone is giving me someone to blame... but I don't think I want to blame anyone. I have to keep believing 'everything happens for a reason' or there is no reason for me to be here... 'everything happens for a reason' is what keeps me going.