Hands of Fate: Chapter Twenty-Seven
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Seven:
This is Life Without You
-~*~-
September 4th, 2001
Jared walks across the college campus, heading to the student parking lot to wait for Chad to arrive. His last class of the day had just ended and now he has an hour before he has to be to work. Chad called earlier in the day, taking it upon himself to decide that Jared needed some company. Jared knows he hasn’t exactly been the most sociable person these past few months, deciding to throw himself into his work and classes for the distraction he’s been looking for.
It’s been months since he’s seen Jensen much less spoken to him and it’s been hard as hell on him, but he’s been giving Jensen the space he asked for. Some days he doesn’t know how he manages to get through the day. Often he finds himself holding his cell, staring down at the screen, at Jensen’s name and home number, wanting so badly to call but knowing he won’t.
Jensen never returned to school, not that Jared’s altogether surprised, but it was still a little disappointing. Being there, at that school, wasn’t easy for Jared. Everywhere he looked he kept expecting to see Jensen, walking to and from class, with that smile on his face when they’d catch each others eyes. Now Jared knows he isn’t going to see him there and it’s hard.
The last conversation he had with Jensen is still fresh in his mind, even after the seven months that have gone by.
Jared holds the phone close to his ear, shaking slightly from just hearing Jensen’s voice over the line. “How’ve you been?” He manages to speak, his voice only trembling slightly from the relief flooding through his system.
“I’ve…” Jensen trails off, a soft sigh overheard down the line. “I’m dealing.”
Jared isn’t quite sure how to respond to that answer, especially after Jensen grows quiet. It’s not really an answer at all but then again Jared had already known that Jensen would likely be having a tough time, given all he’d been through. It was tough on Jared, wanting to be there with Jensen to support him and help him through this, but knowing he was unwanted.
That hurt like hell. He wouldn’t say as much however, things were strained enough between them, he didn’t want to make Jensen feel guilty, or worse, push him even further away by upsetting him.
“I…” Jared trails off, still uncertain about how to respond. He bit his lip for a moment, sighing inaudibly so Jensen wouldn’t hear and get the wrong idea. He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m glad you called,” is what he finally settles on, it being the most honest reply and one that doesn’t push Jensen to talk about anything he doesn’t want to; the safest route.
Down the line Jared can hear Jensen take a breath and he clings to the sound of him, feeling pathetic but not ashamed of it. “I wasn’t sure I should, I know this isn’t easy for you.”
Jared’s heart clenches and he has to close his eyes tightly again.
Part of him is undeniably upset with Jensen for putting this distance between them, making a simple phone call so awkward that they didn’t even know how to talk to each other, worrying over saying the wrong thing, but at the same time he’s grateful for anything he’s being given.
“I’m glad you called,” he repeats firmly so there’s no doubt. “I know you need your space and I’m giving you as much as you need, but hearing from you, knowing how you’re doing…” He trails off, taking a deep breath to compose himself. “I’m just glad to hear you’re doing okay. I’ve been worrying about you.”
He knew their relationship was over but that didn’t mean he wanted Jensen to disappear from his life completely. If friendship was all he could have then he would certainly take it in a heartbeat. It was no secret that he still held hope for them, hadn’t given up on Jensen and the hope he had for them to get back together one day, but most of all he wanted Jensen in his life, no matter what shape or form.
Jensen is silent for a long time and Jared is beginning to wonder if he hung up on him. He clings to the phone that much harder, panic starting to blossom in his chest, his heart beating harder than before. “Jen? You still there?” He knows the panic is obvious in his voice. This was the first time he had heard from Jensen in a while, the conversation couldn’t be over that fast. He couldn’t lose this connection so quickly; this hadn’t been enough for him.
“I’m here,” Jensen finally responds but the tone of his voice isn’t a happy one. “I shouldn’t have called though. I’m not making it any easier on you by doing this, and I did it for selfish reasons.” Even from down the line Jared can tell he’s shaking his head, he just knows Jensen that well. “I’m not taking back what I said, what I did, but I needed to hear your voice so… I was being selfish.”
Jared can tell that Jensen is a second away from ending the call, breaking their connection once more, and he just can’t let him do it. Not yet. “Even if you’re not taking back anything I’m still glad to hear from you Jen.” He rushes to say before Jensen can say goodbye. “I understand this phone call isn’t meant to give me any hope, and I’m okay with that.” Mostly, he says inwardly. “I’m just glad to hear your voice too, I’ve missed hearing you.”
A sigh can be heard down the line. “But still, I know this isn’t helping either of us. Most of all, you. I can’t be selfish like this, making it harder than it already is. I don’t want it to seem like I’m jerking you around at all.”
“You’re not.” Okay, he kind of was but Jared was really not complaining at all. He really was just glad to hear Jensen’s voice after all that radio silence. He’d been kept informed of course, by Chris and Mackenzie, on how Jensen was doing but that wasn’t enough. For weeks he had wanted to hear from Jensen himself and now he was and he wasn’t about to let Jensen think it was a mistake. Who knew when he would get the chance to talk to him again?
He takes a deep breath, speaking once more when it is obvious that Jensen isn’t going to. “Look Jen, I know what you said; I know it’s over between us, but I want you to know that I am not going to give up.” He knows this was probably the last thing Jensen wants to hear and the conversation could be over real fast with the direction Jared is taking it in but he has to say it. Jensen needs to know. “I’m giving you the space you need; I’m not pushing myself on you. But, just know, I’m going to be here when you’re ready.”
“I can’t ask you to do that Jay. I can’t make you any promises, and who knows how long you could be left waiting, I can’t let you do that.”
Jared smiles at this, not happy but not sad either, just a little knowing smile because he had known to expect that response from Jensen. “You’re not asking me to do anything Jen, this is my own decision and you can’t change my mind about it. I’m willing to wait however long you need me to. You mean too much to me to just give up like that.”
“I…” Jensen falls silent and Jared knows he is deep in thought right now. Jared does his best to wait patiently, not to say anything more because he has said what he’d wanted to say and he doesn’t want it to seem like he is pushing too hard.
“I have to go.” Jensen finally speaks, saying a quick goodbye and hanging up before Jared has a chance to respond at all.
Jared isn’t encouraged by the abrupt end of the phone call but at the same time he’s feeling lighter. He had told Jensen what he had wanted him to know, Jensen knows where he stands, so the ball is in his court now. The wait would kill Jared, he knew this, but he would wait however long he had to. He just hopes Jensen will eventually meet him at that halfway mark, and not just to tell him that he doesn’t want to be with him anymore.
If it came to that Jared would respect his decision, it would hurt but he wouldn’t push Jensen for anything that he didn’t want, but he hopes things work out in his favor in the end. But, if nothing else, he hopes they can at least be friends once more.
That had been months ago and with each day that passed and still no word from Jensen was another day he was beginning to lose hope. It was hard to hold his head up and stay positive when he hadn’t been given even an inch to cling to. He did his best though, despite the despondency he was falling into. Each day for him was the same, a routine he had fallen into just to make it through the day without falling into depression. He felt empty and, at times, joyless, like he was just going through the motions.
He knew his friends hated seeing him this way but he figured it could be worse. At least he hasn’t holed himself up in his room, refusing to see anyone or keep himself moving forward. He is doing the best he can regardless of the situation and how badly he just wants to shut himself off from the world.
Things could be worse, he thinks to himself as he spies Chad’s Land Rover pulling into the student parking lot to pick him up. Just taking it one day at a time.
:0Ж0:
“Is it possible to die from boredom? Cause if it is I am this close to death right now!” Sophia exclaims as she puts her thumb and index fingers extremely close to touching to show how close to ‘dying’ she is.
Jared just smiles an exasperated smile but doesn’t comment. Truth is, he’s pretty bored himself but unlike her he doesn’t feel like doing anything about it. He knows she likely will want to go out and do something but he just doesn’t have it in him, and hasn’t for a while now. He realizes he can’t put it off forever, going out and spending time with his friends is something he hasn’t done since he returned to California and they will only let him get away with it for so long before they put their foot down and drag him out of his dorm room.
“We should do something,” Chad pipes up from where he’s sprawled lazily on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with an equally bored expression on his face.
“We could go see a movie,” Sophia suggests, looking back and forth between the two guys in the room. Jared scrunches up his nose though and gives a shake of his head. She rolls her eyes in response and appears to be thinking again. “How about… yeah I got nothing.”
Jared nearly chuckles at the pout she’s sporting but just shakes his head and looks away, getting relaxed against the wall where he’s leaning. The radio is playing some song he doesn’t recognize and doesn’t really like but he focuses on it for a while just for something to do, to keep his mind on.
“Ooh, I know, we should throw a party.” Chad sits up quickly; eyes wide like he’s just come up with the most awesome plan ever and everyone should call him a genius. Jared however just raises an eyebrow, clearly not impressed, and the smile on his best friend’s face slips into a scowl. “Dude, you can’t sit in your room like a bum forever. A party is a great idea; you’re in serious need of some fun.”
“Hate to agree with him Jare but he’s right,” Sophia says as she looks to him with a gentle expression on her face. “Maybe a night away from your thoughts would do you some good. You don’t necessarily have to get shit-faced like this idiot here.” Chad scoffs and gives his girlfriend an offended look when she carelessly points in his direction. Sophia ignores him in favor of keeping her eyes on Jared. “But getting out and being around your friends would do you good babe. We can keep it simple, just the close friends, nothing big. Whatcha say?”
Jared wants to turn it down and say no he doesn’t feel like partying, large or otherwise, but one look at Sophia and he knows he’s going to give in. Not just because she’s giving him those puppy dog eyes but because he doesn’t want to disappoint them yet again by turning down another attempt to get him out. He knows they are worried about him, want to help him in any way they can, and he figures he can humor them a little. Besides, these are his friends; one night with them isn’t going to kill him.
:0Ж0:
“Tell me why I agreed to do this again?” Jared asks for what is probably the third or fourth time since walking through the door, glancing around the room warily.
“Because you’re a pushover?” Chad suggests as he sidles up next to him, passing a beer with a shit-eating grin on his face that has Jared rolling his eyes but taking the Dixie cup regardless.
Sophia jabs him in the ribs with a scowl and Jared has to fight a laugh when Chad gives her a wounded look. “It’s because your friends love you and have missed spending time with you Jare. What’s so wrong with that?” She smiles as she nudges his side, trying to get him to lighten up and just enjoy himself for once.
He figures it won’t be that easy all things considered but he appreciates the effort. The party is a bit larger than he was led to believe it was going to be but he knows he’s being kind of a spoilsport about the whole thing. It honestly isn’t that bad of a party, people aren’t getting shit-faced like they’re known to do at Chad’s parties, the music playing is decent and actually, it’s all pretty low key and laid back. Why he is complaining, he doesn’t know. Normally, he wouldn’t, especially with a party as comfortable as this one.
You miss Jen, his mind supplies helpfully and he uses his drink to hide the frown on his lips.
He knew Jensen wouldn’t want him to be like this though, wouldn’t want him to stop living his life. Who the fuck cares what he wants? He clearly doesn’t care about what you want, a voice full of resentment and spite speaks up and Jared quickly pushes it down. He doesn’t want to be upset with Jensen, especially because deep down he understands why Jensen did what he did. He isn’t happy about any of this, at times he doesn’t even think it’s fair, but he knows Jensen is going through a tough time and Jared needs to be understanding. In the meantime, he’ll just do what he can to get through the days, and hope that Jensen eventually comes around.
As the days go by however, it is hard to keep a hold of that hope.
“Stop thinking so hard! We’re at a party, last thing you should be doing is thinking!” Mike says this like it’s the most horrible thing you could possibly do and all Jared can do is smile. He’s grateful for the distraction, he’s been lost in his head too often these days, so it’s nice when he can get out.
“Heaven forbid I dared to think, how rude of me!” Jared replies sarcastically but inside he’s smiling like a loon. Why he stayed away from his friends so long he is beginning to wonder himself. They can always manage to bring a smile to his face, keep him entertained even with just mindless banter.
“Exactly, but it’s okay, you’re forgiven so long as you get the hell outta your head and focus more on me. I’m more interesting than anything going on in that head of yours.” Mike gives a wink and a smarmy grin but Jared knows he is just goofing off, trying to get Jared to join in with the banter and enjoy himself. Again, he appreciates the effort.
“Why don’t you go make Tom pay attention to you, I might scare myself if I try to focus on you for too long.” Jared anticipates the punch to the shoulder and quickly moves out of the way with a laugh, his beer sloshing over the side of his cup a bit.
“Bitch,” Mike mutters but there’s a smile pulling at his lips.
Jared escapes his three friends to go wash his hand and tries to make it through the crowd without anyone bumping into him; he really didn’t feel like wearing what was left in his cup.
Eventually he makes it to the kitchen without any unfortunate incidents and sets his cup on the counter while he washes his hands in the sink. He is in the process of drying his hands on a paper towel when Chad wanders in, apparently in search of him. Jared expects Chad to start in again, being the idiot he usually is when throwing a party, but he is taken by surprise by the oddly serious expression on his friend’s face.
I’m not gonna like this, am I? He sighs to himself as he looks to his friend but Chad isn’t meeting his eyes, opting instead to look at the wall or his cup of beer.
“Look man, I’m not trying to be put a damper on the evening or anything by bringing this up but I was just wondering if you’ve heard from Jensen at all?” Chad eventually asks but he still isn’t looking at Jared.
Jared sucks in a breath, quite surprised that Chad of all people would be asking this question. This isn’t a surprise because he thinks Chad is an ass who wouldn’t care, but while he and Jensen are friends, they haven’t been as close as the rest of their friends. It does bring a bit of a smile to his face though, knowing that Chad even cares to ask, not just to give Jared someone to talk to about it but because he honestly wants to know. I bet Jen would love to hear this, he thinks with that small smile still playing on his face before it eventually drops away.
“He hasn’t contacted me at all,” he says with a heavy sigh, picking up his beer again and taking a hefty swallow. “I wish he would, just to let me know how he’s doing, you know. An update would be appreciated at this point.” He doesn’t mention that Chris or Steve probably would know, that’s usually who Jared gets his information from, but it really just goes without saying. Though, even they have heard less and less from Jensen these days unless they outright call him themselves.
Chad nods his head, looking a bit angry for a brief moment but it slips away with a shake of his head. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, and I know I’m probably the last person you’d want to talk to about that, but I’m here if you ever decide to.” He finally looks to Jared, making sure he sees how serious he is, and then looks away again. “Funny enough but I miss the jerk.” This is said with actual fondness and already Jared feels he has slipped into the twilight zone. Since when did Chad ever admit to missing people aside from Sophia?
Jared closes his eyes, a sad smile forming on his lips. “So do I.”
:0Ж0:
Jensen wakes up to the sun shining on his face through the parted curtains on the window and the smell of laundry detergent filling his nostrils from where his nose is buried in the softness of his pillow. He lets out a silent yawn, stifled by the palm of his hand, as he rolls over in bed, away from the offending light shining right in his eyes.
He lies there for a few moments, staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He only just woke up but already he is alert, his mind bringing familiar thoughts that he’s fought so damn hard to push to the back of his mind for months. It is in these moments, the early hours of the morning and right before he lays down to sleep that he can’t fight off the thoughts. It frustrates him just as much as he knows he needs it, the reminder of where he is and what he’s living without.
A troubled expression comes to his face as he stares at the ceiling. It has been months that he’s been staying here with his parents, months since he’s so much as talked to Jared much less laid eyes on the guy. Despite the time, the space he asked for, he knows the feeling clawing at his gut. It’s loneliness, pure and simple as that but excruciating when he can’t ignore it.
He misses Jared more than he ever thought he could miss a person and there’s times he wonders how he ever managed without the shaggy haired hazel eyed man that he fell completely in love with. He and Jared haven’t had it easy from the start, seemed something was always stacking up against them, pulling them apart, but despite all that Jensen needs him.
He doesn’t regret putting this space between them, he honestly feels he was no good for Jared in the state he’d been in, is still fighting his way out of. He needed to learn to live with himself, with the insecurities and fears that plagued him, before he could be what Jared needs him to be.
He knew Jared wanted to be there for him, be there with him, but he knew he needed to find his own two feet again by himself. He needed to learn to be strong again, to focus on getting his life back in order before he could worry about their relationship.
“What relationship?” He asks aloud, a bit of hysteria in his tone as he laughs into the emptiness of the room. He’d broken up with Jared, ended their relationship, and despite Jared’s words about waiting for him, Jensen wasn’t sure Jared would wait as long as Jensen has made him. It’s been too long, he couldn’t possibly expect Jared to have waited this long.
The thought stings, hurts so bad that for a moment he feels like he can’t draw in a breath. He still loves Jared as much as he ever did, but even now, if he can’t have anything else he just wants to be Jared’s friend again. He can’t lose him completely, he just can’t. But at this point, with no contact whatsoever, he’s not sure that he hasn’t lost him already.
“It was what was needed to be done,” he tells himself firmly as he sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed, wincing slightly as he does. His leg has gotten better, no longer confined in a cast, but there are still moments of pain and the tightness he feels can be very uncomfortable. He isn’t complaining though, it is better than the doctors had originally thought it would be. He figured he had to be grateful for that much. Not to mention you’re still alive, he reminds himself internally, can’t forget he’s just lucky to even be alive. So, in the long run, things could be a lot worse for him.
:0Ж0:
The television is currently set to a repeat of That 70’s Show but Jensen isn’t really watching it. His mind is on other things, having drifted away from the episode like it usually does these days. He doesn’t like to let himself think too much about things but for the most part he just can’t help it. He is on his way to putting this whole ordeal behind him but of course he still has a long way to go. The road to recovery has been a long, tiring and often, frustrating one. He is making progress though, no matter how hard it has been for him.
He finally gives up the guise of watching television and turns it off, pushing up from the couch. He steps outside onto the back porch, breathing in the cool, fresh air. He moves to take a seat on the patio chair, propping his leg up on the other. It has been bothering him today, stiff and achy, but not too bad. He is slowly growing accustomed to it doing this, was told certain weather temperatures would affect it.
He sits there, just like that, for a few long moments. Just staring off into the distance beyond the backyard, lost to his thoughts, but content. The last few months have been tough on him but he believes he has trudged through it all and managed to come out on the other side. The physical therapy he had to endure was painful and tiring but he is passed that now and glad to be. Aside from the limp no one would even know what he had been through just by looking at him and that makes him feel a whole lot better.
The emotional aspect of his recovery was possibly the hardest part for him to bear. His moods were all over the place for a while there; nearly slipping into a deep depression he had been afraid he might not be able to draw himself out of. That was a dark time for him, constantly feeling lower than he ever had before, not wanting to eat or talk to anyone, wanting to lie around and just be left to himself. It had been bad but his psychologist helped him through it, and whether she knows it or not, Mackenzie had been the biggest help. No matter the funk he had found himself in, when around his sister, he found it nearly impossible to be in a bad mood and she was able to get him to talk when no one else could. He owes a lot to her.
As for the trial… well, in the end all of Jensen's worrying and obsessing over having to go to trial, to sit on that witness stand and recount the events that night, all of that became a moot point when his lawyer called a few weeks ago.
Hearing that Scott and Andrew pleaded guilty was an immense relief to Jensen, knowing he wouldn't have to testify, just give his testimony to his lawyer. He'd been so scared and now all that worrying was for nothing. He felt like he could breathe a little easier, give his racing heart a break, and it felt damn good.
With the witnesses from that night, the bloody 2x4 found in Scott's truck and the DNA collected from beneath Jensen's fingernails and on his clothes, they had enough evidence stacked against the two men to put them away for a long time, pleading guilty really was their only option.
Mr. Turner, Jensen's lawyer, explained what would happen from there. He'd get together with the defense lawyer to discuss a plea bargain and if they could come to an agreement on a proper sentence than Jensen wouldn't have to worry about the case going to trial. Of course, if Scott or Andrew decline and opt to go to trial than Jensen will have to appear in court but Mr. Turner sounded confident that wouldn't happen so for the time being Jensen isn't going to let it worry him.
The case they have against Andrew and Scott is solid, the evidence speaks for itself, and his lawyer doesn’t believe they have anything to worry about. The two guys are certain to do prison time, but how much is anyone’s guess at this point. Jensen hopes the punishment will fit the crime, he hopes he gets the justice he deserves.
“There you go again, thinking way too hard.”
Jensen startles out of his thoughts, bringing wide eyes over to his sister. When she got there and had the time to sit down without him noticing he doesn’t know. He supposes he really was lost in his thoughts this time. He shakes his head and smiles. “Not much else to do, I got bored with TV.”
“Or you were just thinking too hard that you couldn’t focus on it,” she replies knowingly, smiling at him teasingly but kind.
Jensen chuckles and decides it would be pointless to deny it. “Okay fine but what I’d been watching was an episode I’ve already seen so I was pretty bored anyway.”
Mackenzie nods and leans back in her seat, pushing a glass of lemonade in his direction. He smiles his thanks and grabs it, taking a drink, closing his eyes as the cool liquid soothes his dry throat. “So, what were you thinking about anyway?”
Jensen opens his eyes once more, turning to look at his sister before looking away again. “Not one thing in particular, kind of everything at once.” He explains even though he knows it isn’t much of an explanation. “Mostly the progress I’ve made, how I’m doing now compared to how I was before. Stuff like that.”
She nods again, smiling this time, and Jensen would almost say she looks proud. “You’ve come a long way Jen, in the amount of time it’s been, I think you’ve done great so far. I know you still have your moments and you’re still working on it, but I think you’re doing awesome. I always knew you were strong, never doubted that.” She smiles again, reaching out to squeeze his forearm gently.
Jensen nearly snorts at that because he hasn’t felt all that strong since he woke up from his coma, and if he’s honest, since the night he got his ass kicked by two homophobes. He has struggled, no doubt about that, but it is nice to hear that his sister thinks he is so strong. He isn’t quite convinced that she’s right about that, but it is nice to hear all the same.
:0Ж0:
Jensen sits awkwardly in the lobby of his psychologist’s office, eyes darting around the empty space. No matter how many times he has come here he still hasn’t gotten over the uncomfortable feeling he gets from it every time. He is doing better with it, has opened up quite a lot once he got to know Dr. Johnson better.
The man was surprisingly easy to talk to, made Jensen feel comfortable enough with him to even be willing to share personal details about himself and the attack. When he first came here he didn’t think he would have the courage to speak up and talk about everything that was bothering him but after a couple of sessions he found himself speaking more and more.
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel uncomfortable at the beginning of each session though. And while he knows the receptionist or anyone waiting in the lobby isn’t judging him for seeing a psychologist he can’t help feeling awkward when their eyes happen to catch his. But he supposes everyone feels that way when going to see a head shrink.
“Jensen.”
He looks up to find Dr. Johnson standing in the doorway of his office, smiling genuinely at Jensen and motioning him into the room. Jensen takes a breath and stands, keeping his head high as he walks even though the urge to stare at the carpet is strong. He has only recently overcome that particular obstacle.
Ever since the cast was taken off of his leg he has walked with a noticeable limp, one his doctor informed him would stay with him for the rest of his life. To Jensen it is an embarrassing reminder of what happened to him. The doctor had hoped it wouldn’t happen but Jensen’s leg had been broken pretty badly and never did heal the way it should have. However, the doctor also told him it could have been worse so Jensen always reminds himself to be thankful he still has the ability to walk on that leg.
Jensen walks over to the now familiar chair and settles himself down, glancing around the office as Dr. Johnson takes a seat adjacent to him. He has been in this office so many times, has seen every single item in here, and still he looks around it every time he is here simply so he doesn’t have to meet his psychologist’s eyes.
The mere idea of seeing a psychologist has gotten easier for him over time but he still finds it tough to get the conversation started. He doesn’t usually know where to start but thankfully he doesn’t have to. Dr. Johnson already knows he has to prod at Jensen before he will actually start to open up, though these days he doesn’t have to prod very much.
“You’re looking better from the last time we saw each other.” He comments as he lays his notepad on his lap and looks Jensen over with a smile. “How are you doing these days?”
Jensen fidgets slightly and considers the question. “I suppose I’m doing better than I was when I first started seeing you.”
Dr. Johnson nods his agreement. “You’re doing a lot better I would say, it is nice to see things are steadily looking up for you,” he says kindly and Jensen can tell his words are honest. “How about what we spoke about in our last session? How are you handling that?”
Jensen sucks in a breath, not sure he wants to get into that just yet. It’s a common subject for them, every session they touch the topic at some point, but it is usually closer to the end of the session, not the start. Jensen needs more time before he’s comfortable enough to talk about it. He still has the nightmares of course, but thankfully they aren’t as frequent as they used to be. That was probably one of the hardest parts about all of this, aside from the pain he’d endured.
Some of the nightmares were just repeats of the attack, haunting him in his dreams. He never likes thinking about it but his dreams were the one place he could never escape it. Reliving the whole thing over and over each night, feeling the pain and terror, seeing those sneering faces as they yelled at him and showed him just how disgusted they were.
Those dreams were bad enough but when the nightmares changed and instead of him being the victim it was Jared, that was when it got worse for him. He would wake up in a cold sweat, a scream still on his lips with an urgent need to call Jared, just to hear his voice and know that he was safe. He never gave in to that need because he knew Jared was fine but, each time, it was always there and it was a struggle not to pick up the phone.
Dr. Johnson tilts his head when Jensen meets his eyes, silently pleading for him to drop the subject, just for now. He seems to understand, smiling softly and giving a brief nod of his head. “How about this, how about we talk about your relationships? Are things improving for you at home?”
Jensen releases the breath he had been holding, relaxing a bit once more, grateful for the change in subject. This is one he can talk about without feeling uncomfortable. “There’s no more awkwardness between me and my parents now. Things had been strained for a while, they didn’t know how to talk to me and I was… well I was frustrated all of the time.”
“I remember you said it was as though they were walking on eggshells around you and that was what bothered you the most. I’m assuming that has passed?”
Jensen nods before speaking. “It’s comfortable in the house now, no more awkward conversations or having to think before speaking in fear of saying something we might regret or shouldn’t say. It’s starting to feel more like it did when I was a kid, which is nice.”
He has to smile as he says this, his relationship with his parents was one of the things he had wanted to work on the most and he was glad to see things were finally going back to normal. “So yeah, I would say things have improved a lot. I’ve forgiven them for how they treated me and mostly I’m just happy to have them in my life again, knowing they love me no matter what and support me.”
“It’s good to know your home life has improved, that’s a crucial step in your recovery,” Dr. Johnson says as he writes something down in his notepad and then draws his eyes back to Jensen. “And how about Jared? Are you feeling up to talking about Jared today?”
Jensen looks down at his lap but nods his head nonetheless. Talking about Jared is hard but he knows it’s necessary, and it is a subject Dr. Johnson makes a point to bring up each session. Deep down Jensen knows it is an important subject, wouldn’t be so tough to talk about if it wasn’t, but each time they do it gets a little easier, just like everything else.
“I still haven’t spoken to him,” he responds quietly, still looking down at his lap.
“I see, and can you tell me why that is?”
At first Jensen nearly shrugs but quickly aborts the movement, knowing he has to talk about this and shrugging isn’t going to make the subject go away. “Every day I tell myself, this is the day I’ll reach out to him, even just to say hi. But I only find myself staring at the phone, unable to dial his number. I want to but I’m…”
Dr. Johnson gives Jensen a moment to finish that sentence but when he doesn’t he fills in the blanks for him. “Afraid he won’t want to hear from you after so much time has passed?”
Jensen finally lifts his eyes and gives a nod of his head, eyebrows creased in a frown. “What if I’ve let it go for too long? I know he said he would wait but I haven’t given him any reason to or gave him any indication that I wanted him to. I knew he never truly understood why I broke up with him, likely blamed himself because of the fight we’d had that night. But that wasn’t it; I just… my head was messed up at that time. I didn’t feel like I deserved him or was good enough for him anymore. I never broke up with him because of anything he did, I just felt I wasn’t any good for him with the state I was in and needed time to focus on myself, to get better and learn how to live with myself.”
Jensen shuts up when he realizes he had gone into a rant and this whole time Dr. Johnson hadn’t said a word, was just looking at Jensen intently as he listened to every word that poured out of his mouth. He felt his cheeks flame up, embarrassed but also feeling better now that he got those thoughts out in the open.
Dr. Johnson makes a humming sound after a moment, looking comfortable in his light brown chair but the expression on his face is calculating as he looks at Jensen. “And how do you feel now? Do you still feel you’re not good enough for him, that you don’t deserve him?”
Jensen blinks and looks away, chewing at the inside of his cheek because that’s the question right there. Does he feel good enough for Jared now? Sometimes he feels that he might but there are also moments, when his self esteem is so low, that he really doesn’t feel he will ever be good enough for him again.
He is slowly getting better; talking to Dr. Johnson has shown him that not everyone is looking out to hurt him for loving a man, that what happened to him was unfortunate, not uncommon of course, but also not something he should live in fear of. Deep down Jensen has always known that, but the fear that has controlled his life since the attack had a strong hold on him back then.
He is doing better though, he still has his moments of fear but the thought of holding Jared’s hand in public or kissing him doesn’t terrify Jensen as much as it once had. It still scares him, he’s still paranoid, but not as much as he had been. When it comes right down to actually doing that he doesn’t know how he will react, will likely have his moments of panic, but Dr. Johnson has assured him that given time that will eventually fade once he overcomes the fear of it. Jensen holds onto that fact like a lifeline, wishing he was at that point now because he is tired of living in fear, but knowing that things will get better gives him hope.
“Alright,” Dr. Johnson says while Jensen is lost to his thoughts, assuming Jensen doesn’t want to answer. “Here’s another question. Do you feel you are ready to give your relationship another chance if Jared is willing?”
Jensen lifts his eyes to his psychologist, a warm feeling filling his chest.
Next
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Seven:
This is Life Without You
-~*~-
September 4th, 2001
Jared walks across the college campus, heading to the student parking lot to wait for Chad to arrive. His last class of the day had just ended and now he has an hour before he has to be to work. Chad called earlier in the day, taking it upon himself to decide that Jared needed some company. Jared knows he hasn’t exactly been the most sociable person these past few months, deciding to throw himself into his work and classes for the distraction he’s been looking for.
It’s been months since he’s seen Jensen much less spoken to him and it’s been hard as hell on him, but he’s been giving Jensen the space he asked for. Some days he doesn’t know how he manages to get through the day. Often he finds himself holding his cell, staring down at the screen, at Jensen’s name and home number, wanting so badly to call but knowing he won’t.
Jensen never returned to school, not that Jared’s altogether surprised, but it was still a little disappointing. Being there, at that school, wasn’t easy for Jared. Everywhere he looked he kept expecting to see Jensen, walking to and from class, with that smile on his face when they’d catch each others eyes. Now Jared knows he isn’t going to see him there and it’s hard.
The last conversation he had with Jensen is still fresh in his mind, even after the seven months that have gone by.
Jared holds the phone close to his ear, shaking slightly from just hearing Jensen’s voice over the line. “How’ve you been?” He manages to speak, his voice only trembling slightly from the relief flooding through his system.
“I’ve…” Jensen trails off, a soft sigh overheard down the line. “I’m dealing.”
Jared isn’t quite sure how to respond to that answer, especially after Jensen grows quiet. It’s not really an answer at all but then again Jared had already known that Jensen would likely be having a tough time, given all he’d been through. It was tough on Jared, wanting to be there with Jensen to support him and help him through this, but knowing he was unwanted.
That hurt like hell. He wouldn’t say as much however, things were strained enough between them, he didn’t want to make Jensen feel guilty, or worse, push him even further away by upsetting him.
“I…” Jared trails off, still uncertain about how to respond. He bit his lip for a moment, sighing inaudibly so Jensen wouldn’t hear and get the wrong idea. He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m glad you called,” is what he finally settles on, it being the most honest reply and one that doesn’t push Jensen to talk about anything he doesn’t want to; the safest route.
Down the line Jared can hear Jensen take a breath and he clings to the sound of him, feeling pathetic but not ashamed of it. “I wasn’t sure I should, I know this isn’t easy for you.”
Jared’s heart clenches and he has to close his eyes tightly again.
Part of him is undeniably upset with Jensen for putting this distance between them, making a simple phone call so awkward that they didn’t even know how to talk to each other, worrying over saying the wrong thing, but at the same time he’s grateful for anything he’s being given.
“I’m glad you called,” he repeats firmly so there’s no doubt. “I know you need your space and I’m giving you as much as you need, but hearing from you, knowing how you’re doing…” He trails off, taking a deep breath to compose himself. “I’m just glad to hear you’re doing okay. I’ve been worrying about you.”
He knew their relationship was over but that didn’t mean he wanted Jensen to disappear from his life completely. If friendship was all he could have then he would certainly take it in a heartbeat. It was no secret that he still held hope for them, hadn’t given up on Jensen and the hope he had for them to get back together one day, but most of all he wanted Jensen in his life, no matter what shape or form.
Jensen is silent for a long time and Jared is beginning to wonder if he hung up on him. He clings to the phone that much harder, panic starting to blossom in his chest, his heart beating harder than before. “Jen? You still there?” He knows the panic is obvious in his voice. This was the first time he had heard from Jensen in a while, the conversation couldn’t be over that fast. He couldn’t lose this connection so quickly; this hadn’t been enough for him.
“I’m here,” Jensen finally responds but the tone of his voice isn’t a happy one. “I shouldn’t have called though. I’m not making it any easier on you by doing this, and I did it for selfish reasons.” Even from down the line Jared can tell he’s shaking his head, he just knows Jensen that well. “I’m not taking back what I said, what I did, but I needed to hear your voice so… I was being selfish.”
Jared can tell that Jensen is a second away from ending the call, breaking their connection once more, and he just can’t let him do it. Not yet. “Even if you’re not taking back anything I’m still glad to hear from you Jen.” He rushes to say before Jensen can say goodbye. “I understand this phone call isn’t meant to give me any hope, and I’m okay with that.” Mostly, he says inwardly. “I’m just glad to hear your voice too, I’ve missed hearing you.”
A sigh can be heard down the line. “But still, I know this isn’t helping either of us. Most of all, you. I can’t be selfish like this, making it harder than it already is. I don’t want it to seem like I’m jerking you around at all.”
“You’re not.” Okay, he kind of was but Jared was really not complaining at all. He really was just glad to hear Jensen’s voice after all that radio silence. He’d been kept informed of course, by Chris and Mackenzie, on how Jensen was doing but that wasn’t enough. For weeks he had wanted to hear from Jensen himself and now he was and he wasn’t about to let Jensen think it was a mistake. Who knew when he would get the chance to talk to him again?
He takes a deep breath, speaking once more when it is obvious that Jensen isn’t going to. “Look Jen, I know what you said; I know it’s over between us, but I want you to know that I am not going to give up.” He knows this was probably the last thing Jensen wants to hear and the conversation could be over real fast with the direction Jared is taking it in but he has to say it. Jensen needs to know. “I’m giving you the space you need; I’m not pushing myself on you. But, just know, I’m going to be here when you’re ready.”
“I can’t ask you to do that Jay. I can’t make you any promises, and who knows how long you could be left waiting, I can’t let you do that.”
Jared smiles at this, not happy but not sad either, just a little knowing smile because he had known to expect that response from Jensen. “You’re not asking me to do anything Jen, this is my own decision and you can’t change my mind about it. I’m willing to wait however long you need me to. You mean too much to me to just give up like that.”
“I…” Jensen falls silent and Jared knows he is deep in thought right now. Jared does his best to wait patiently, not to say anything more because he has said what he’d wanted to say and he doesn’t want it to seem like he is pushing too hard.
“I have to go.” Jensen finally speaks, saying a quick goodbye and hanging up before Jared has a chance to respond at all.
Jared isn’t encouraged by the abrupt end of the phone call but at the same time he’s feeling lighter. He had told Jensen what he had wanted him to know, Jensen knows where he stands, so the ball is in his court now. The wait would kill Jared, he knew this, but he would wait however long he had to. He just hopes Jensen will eventually meet him at that halfway mark, and not just to tell him that he doesn’t want to be with him anymore.
If it came to that Jared would respect his decision, it would hurt but he wouldn’t push Jensen for anything that he didn’t want, but he hopes things work out in his favor in the end. But, if nothing else, he hopes they can at least be friends once more.
That had been months ago and with each day that passed and still no word from Jensen was another day he was beginning to lose hope. It was hard to hold his head up and stay positive when he hadn’t been given even an inch to cling to. He did his best though, despite the despondency he was falling into. Each day for him was the same, a routine he had fallen into just to make it through the day without falling into depression. He felt empty and, at times, joyless, like he was just going through the motions.
He knew his friends hated seeing him this way but he figured it could be worse. At least he hasn’t holed himself up in his room, refusing to see anyone or keep himself moving forward. He is doing the best he can regardless of the situation and how badly he just wants to shut himself off from the world.
Things could be worse, he thinks to himself as he spies Chad’s Land Rover pulling into the student parking lot to pick him up. Just taking it one day at a time.
:0Ж0:
“Is it possible to die from boredom? Cause if it is I am this close to death right now!” Sophia exclaims as she puts her thumb and index fingers extremely close to touching to show how close to ‘dying’ she is.
Jared just smiles an exasperated smile but doesn’t comment. Truth is, he’s pretty bored himself but unlike her he doesn’t feel like doing anything about it. He knows she likely will want to go out and do something but he just doesn’t have it in him, and hasn’t for a while now. He realizes he can’t put it off forever, going out and spending time with his friends is something he hasn’t done since he returned to California and they will only let him get away with it for so long before they put their foot down and drag him out of his dorm room.
“We should do something,” Chad pipes up from where he’s sprawled lazily on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with an equally bored expression on his face.
“We could go see a movie,” Sophia suggests, looking back and forth between the two guys in the room. Jared scrunches up his nose though and gives a shake of his head. She rolls her eyes in response and appears to be thinking again. “How about… yeah I got nothing.”
Jared nearly chuckles at the pout she’s sporting but just shakes his head and looks away, getting relaxed against the wall where he’s leaning. The radio is playing some song he doesn’t recognize and doesn’t really like but he focuses on it for a while just for something to do, to keep his mind on.
“Ooh, I know, we should throw a party.” Chad sits up quickly; eyes wide like he’s just come up with the most awesome plan ever and everyone should call him a genius. Jared however just raises an eyebrow, clearly not impressed, and the smile on his best friend’s face slips into a scowl. “Dude, you can’t sit in your room like a bum forever. A party is a great idea; you’re in serious need of some fun.”
“Hate to agree with him Jare but he’s right,” Sophia says as she looks to him with a gentle expression on her face. “Maybe a night away from your thoughts would do you some good. You don’t necessarily have to get shit-faced like this idiot here.” Chad scoffs and gives his girlfriend an offended look when she carelessly points in his direction. Sophia ignores him in favor of keeping her eyes on Jared. “But getting out and being around your friends would do you good babe. We can keep it simple, just the close friends, nothing big. Whatcha say?”
Jared wants to turn it down and say no he doesn’t feel like partying, large or otherwise, but one look at Sophia and he knows he’s going to give in. Not just because she’s giving him those puppy dog eyes but because he doesn’t want to disappoint them yet again by turning down another attempt to get him out. He knows they are worried about him, want to help him in any way they can, and he figures he can humor them a little. Besides, these are his friends; one night with them isn’t going to kill him.
:0Ж0:
“Tell me why I agreed to do this again?” Jared asks for what is probably the third or fourth time since walking through the door, glancing around the room warily.
“Because you’re a pushover?” Chad suggests as he sidles up next to him, passing a beer with a shit-eating grin on his face that has Jared rolling his eyes but taking the Dixie cup regardless.
Sophia jabs him in the ribs with a scowl and Jared has to fight a laugh when Chad gives her a wounded look. “It’s because your friends love you and have missed spending time with you Jare. What’s so wrong with that?” She smiles as she nudges his side, trying to get him to lighten up and just enjoy himself for once.
He figures it won’t be that easy all things considered but he appreciates the effort. The party is a bit larger than he was led to believe it was going to be but he knows he’s being kind of a spoilsport about the whole thing. It honestly isn’t that bad of a party, people aren’t getting shit-faced like they’re known to do at Chad’s parties, the music playing is decent and actually, it’s all pretty low key and laid back. Why he is complaining, he doesn’t know. Normally, he wouldn’t, especially with a party as comfortable as this one.
You miss Jen, his mind supplies helpfully and he uses his drink to hide the frown on his lips.
He knew Jensen wouldn’t want him to be like this though, wouldn’t want him to stop living his life. Who the fuck cares what he wants? He clearly doesn’t care about what you want, a voice full of resentment and spite speaks up and Jared quickly pushes it down. He doesn’t want to be upset with Jensen, especially because deep down he understands why Jensen did what he did. He isn’t happy about any of this, at times he doesn’t even think it’s fair, but he knows Jensen is going through a tough time and Jared needs to be understanding. In the meantime, he’ll just do what he can to get through the days, and hope that Jensen eventually comes around.
As the days go by however, it is hard to keep a hold of that hope.
“Stop thinking so hard! We’re at a party, last thing you should be doing is thinking!” Mike says this like it’s the most horrible thing you could possibly do and all Jared can do is smile. He’s grateful for the distraction, he’s been lost in his head too often these days, so it’s nice when he can get out.
“Heaven forbid I dared to think, how rude of me!” Jared replies sarcastically but inside he’s smiling like a loon. Why he stayed away from his friends so long he is beginning to wonder himself. They can always manage to bring a smile to his face, keep him entertained even with just mindless banter.
“Exactly, but it’s okay, you’re forgiven so long as you get the hell outta your head and focus more on me. I’m more interesting than anything going on in that head of yours.” Mike gives a wink and a smarmy grin but Jared knows he is just goofing off, trying to get Jared to join in with the banter and enjoy himself. Again, he appreciates the effort.
“Why don’t you go make Tom pay attention to you, I might scare myself if I try to focus on you for too long.” Jared anticipates the punch to the shoulder and quickly moves out of the way with a laugh, his beer sloshing over the side of his cup a bit.
“Bitch,” Mike mutters but there’s a smile pulling at his lips.
Jared escapes his three friends to go wash his hand and tries to make it through the crowd without anyone bumping into him; he really didn’t feel like wearing what was left in his cup.
Eventually he makes it to the kitchen without any unfortunate incidents and sets his cup on the counter while he washes his hands in the sink. He is in the process of drying his hands on a paper towel when Chad wanders in, apparently in search of him. Jared expects Chad to start in again, being the idiot he usually is when throwing a party, but he is taken by surprise by the oddly serious expression on his friend’s face.
I’m not gonna like this, am I? He sighs to himself as he looks to his friend but Chad isn’t meeting his eyes, opting instead to look at the wall or his cup of beer.
“Look man, I’m not trying to be put a damper on the evening or anything by bringing this up but I was just wondering if you’ve heard from Jensen at all?” Chad eventually asks but he still isn’t looking at Jared.
Jared sucks in a breath, quite surprised that Chad of all people would be asking this question. This isn’t a surprise because he thinks Chad is an ass who wouldn’t care, but while he and Jensen are friends, they haven’t been as close as the rest of their friends. It does bring a bit of a smile to his face though, knowing that Chad even cares to ask, not just to give Jared someone to talk to about it but because he honestly wants to know. I bet Jen would love to hear this, he thinks with that small smile still playing on his face before it eventually drops away.
“He hasn’t contacted me at all,” he says with a heavy sigh, picking up his beer again and taking a hefty swallow. “I wish he would, just to let me know how he’s doing, you know. An update would be appreciated at this point.” He doesn’t mention that Chris or Steve probably would know, that’s usually who Jared gets his information from, but it really just goes without saying. Though, even they have heard less and less from Jensen these days unless they outright call him themselves.
Chad nods his head, looking a bit angry for a brief moment but it slips away with a shake of his head. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, and I know I’m probably the last person you’d want to talk to about that, but I’m here if you ever decide to.” He finally looks to Jared, making sure he sees how serious he is, and then looks away again. “Funny enough but I miss the jerk.” This is said with actual fondness and already Jared feels he has slipped into the twilight zone. Since when did Chad ever admit to missing people aside from Sophia?
Jared closes his eyes, a sad smile forming on his lips. “So do I.”
:0Ж0:
Jensen wakes up to the sun shining on his face through the parted curtains on the window and the smell of laundry detergent filling his nostrils from where his nose is buried in the softness of his pillow. He lets out a silent yawn, stifled by the palm of his hand, as he rolls over in bed, away from the offending light shining right in his eyes.
He lies there for a few moments, staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He only just woke up but already he is alert, his mind bringing familiar thoughts that he’s fought so damn hard to push to the back of his mind for months. It is in these moments, the early hours of the morning and right before he lays down to sleep that he can’t fight off the thoughts. It frustrates him just as much as he knows he needs it, the reminder of where he is and what he’s living without.
A troubled expression comes to his face as he stares at the ceiling. It has been months that he’s been staying here with his parents, months since he’s so much as talked to Jared much less laid eyes on the guy. Despite the time, the space he asked for, he knows the feeling clawing at his gut. It’s loneliness, pure and simple as that but excruciating when he can’t ignore it.
He misses Jared more than he ever thought he could miss a person and there’s times he wonders how he ever managed without the shaggy haired hazel eyed man that he fell completely in love with. He and Jared haven’t had it easy from the start, seemed something was always stacking up against them, pulling them apart, but despite all that Jensen needs him.
He doesn’t regret putting this space between them, he honestly feels he was no good for Jared in the state he’d been in, is still fighting his way out of. He needed to learn to live with himself, with the insecurities and fears that plagued him, before he could be what Jared needs him to be.
He knew Jared wanted to be there for him, be there with him, but he knew he needed to find his own two feet again by himself. He needed to learn to be strong again, to focus on getting his life back in order before he could worry about their relationship.
“What relationship?” He asks aloud, a bit of hysteria in his tone as he laughs into the emptiness of the room. He’d broken up with Jared, ended their relationship, and despite Jared’s words about waiting for him, Jensen wasn’t sure Jared would wait as long as Jensen has made him. It’s been too long, he couldn’t possibly expect Jared to have waited this long.
The thought stings, hurts so bad that for a moment he feels like he can’t draw in a breath. He still loves Jared as much as he ever did, but even now, if he can’t have anything else he just wants to be Jared’s friend again. He can’t lose him completely, he just can’t. But at this point, with no contact whatsoever, he’s not sure that he hasn’t lost him already.
“It was what was needed to be done,” he tells himself firmly as he sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed, wincing slightly as he does. His leg has gotten better, no longer confined in a cast, but there are still moments of pain and the tightness he feels can be very uncomfortable. He isn’t complaining though, it is better than the doctors had originally thought it would be. He figured he had to be grateful for that much. Not to mention you’re still alive, he reminds himself internally, can’t forget he’s just lucky to even be alive. So, in the long run, things could be a lot worse for him.
:0Ж0:
The television is currently set to a repeat of That 70’s Show but Jensen isn’t really watching it. His mind is on other things, having drifted away from the episode like it usually does these days. He doesn’t like to let himself think too much about things but for the most part he just can’t help it. He is on his way to putting this whole ordeal behind him but of course he still has a long way to go. The road to recovery has been a long, tiring and often, frustrating one. He is making progress though, no matter how hard it has been for him.
He finally gives up the guise of watching television and turns it off, pushing up from the couch. He steps outside onto the back porch, breathing in the cool, fresh air. He moves to take a seat on the patio chair, propping his leg up on the other. It has been bothering him today, stiff and achy, but not too bad. He is slowly growing accustomed to it doing this, was told certain weather temperatures would affect it.
He sits there, just like that, for a few long moments. Just staring off into the distance beyond the backyard, lost to his thoughts, but content. The last few months have been tough on him but he believes he has trudged through it all and managed to come out on the other side. The physical therapy he had to endure was painful and tiring but he is passed that now and glad to be. Aside from the limp no one would even know what he had been through just by looking at him and that makes him feel a whole lot better.
The emotional aspect of his recovery was possibly the hardest part for him to bear. His moods were all over the place for a while there; nearly slipping into a deep depression he had been afraid he might not be able to draw himself out of. That was a dark time for him, constantly feeling lower than he ever had before, not wanting to eat or talk to anyone, wanting to lie around and just be left to himself. It had been bad but his psychologist helped him through it, and whether she knows it or not, Mackenzie had been the biggest help. No matter the funk he had found himself in, when around his sister, he found it nearly impossible to be in a bad mood and she was able to get him to talk when no one else could. He owes a lot to her.
As for the trial… well, in the end all of Jensen's worrying and obsessing over having to go to trial, to sit on that witness stand and recount the events that night, all of that became a moot point when his lawyer called a few weeks ago.
Hearing that Scott and Andrew pleaded guilty was an immense relief to Jensen, knowing he wouldn't have to testify, just give his testimony to his lawyer. He'd been so scared and now all that worrying was for nothing. He felt like he could breathe a little easier, give his racing heart a break, and it felt damn good.
With the witnesses from that night, the bloody 2x4 found in Scott's truck and the DNA collected from beneath Jensen's fingernails and on his clothes, they had enough evidence stacked against the two men to put them away for a long time, pleading guilty really was their only option.
Mr. Turner, Jensen's lawyer, explained what would happen from there. He'd get together with the defense lawyer to discuss a plea bargain and if they could come to an agreement on a proper sentence than Jensen wouldn't have to worry about the case going to trial. Of course, if Scott or Andrew decline and opt to go to trial than Jensen will have to appear in court but Mr. Turner sounded confident that wouldn't happen so for the time being Jensen isn't going to let it worry him.
The case they have against Andrew and Scott is solid, the evidence speaks for itself, and his lawyer doesn’t believe they have anything to worry about. The two guys are certain to do prison time, but how much is anyone’s guess at this point. Jensen hopes the punishment will fit the crime, he hopes he gets the justice he deserves.
“There you go again, thinking way too hard.”
Jensen startles out of his thoughts, bringing wide eyes over to his sister. When she got there and had the time to sit down without him noticing he doesn’t know. He supposes he really was lost in his thoughts this time. He shakes his head and smiles. “Not much else to do, I got bored with TV.”
“Or you were just thinking too hard that you couldn’t focus on it,” she replies knowingly, smiling at him teasingly but kind.
Jensen chuckles and decides it would be pointless to deny it. “Okay fine but what I’d been watching was an episode I’ve already seen so I was pretty bored anyway.”
Mackenzie nods and leans back in her seat, pushing a glass of lemonade in his direction. He smiles his thanks and grabs it, taking a drink, closing his eyes as the cool liquid soothes his dry throat. “So, what were you thinking about anyway?”
Jensen opens his eyes once more, turning to look at his sister before looking away again. “Not one thing in particular, kind of everything at once.” He explains even though he knows it isn’t much of an explanation. “Mostly the progress I’ve made, how I’m doing now compared to how I was before. Stuff like that.”
She nods again, smiling this time, and Jensen would almost say she looks proud. “You’ve come a long way Jen, in the amount of time it’s been, I think you’ve done great so far. I know you still have your moments and you’re still working on it, but I think you’re doing awesome. I always knew you were strong, never doubted that.” She smiles again, reaching out to squeeze his forearm gently.
Jensen nearly snorts at that because he hasn’t felt all that strong since he woke up from his coma, and if he’s honest, since the night he got his ass kicked by two homophobes. He has struggled, no doubt about that, but it is nice to hear that his sister thinks he is so strong. He isn’t quite convinced that she’s right about that, but it is nice to hear all the same.
:0Ж0:
Jensen sits awkwardly in the lobby of his psychologist’s office, eyes darting around the empty space. No matter how many times he has come here he still hasn’t gotten over the uncomfortable feeling he gets from it every time. He is doing better with it, has opened up quite a lot once he got to know Dr. Johnson better.
The man was surprisingly easy to talk to, made Jensen feel comfortable enough with him to even be willing to share personal details about himself and the attack. When he first came here he didn’t think he would have the courage to speak up and talk about everything that was bothering him but after a couple of sessions he found himself speaking more and more.
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel uncomfortable at the beginning of each session though. And while he knows the receptionist or anyone waiting in the lobby isn’t judging him for seeing a psychologist he can’t help feeling awkward when their eyes happen to catch his. But he supposes everyone feels that way when going to see a head shrink.
“Jensen.”
He looks up to find Dr. Johnson standing in the doorway of his office, smiling genuinely at Jensen and motioning him into the room. Jensen takes a breath and stands, keeping his head high as he walks even though the urge to stare at the carpet is strong. He has only recently overcome that particular obstacle.
Ever since the cast was taken off of his leg he has walked with a noticeable limp, one his doctor informed him would stay with him for the rest of his life. To Jensen it is an embarrassing reminder of what happened to him. The doctor had hoped it wouldn’t happen but Jensen’s leg had been broken pretty badly and never did heal the way it should have. However, the doctor also told him it could have been worse so Jensen always reminds himself to be thankful he still has the ability to walk on that leg.
Jensen walks over to the now familiar chair and settles himself down, glancing around the office as Dr. Johnson takes a seat adjacent to him. He has been in this office so many times, has seen every single item in here, and still he looks around it every time he is here simply so he doesn’t have to meet his psychologist’s eyes.
The mere idea of seeing a psychologist has gotten easier for him over time but he still finds it tough to get the conversation started. He doesn’t usually know where to start but thankfully he doesn’t have to. Dr. Johnson already knows he has to prod at Jensen before he will actually start to open up, though these days he doesn’t have to prod very much.
“You’re looking better from the last time we saw each other.” He comments as he lays his notepad on his lap and looks Jensen over with a smile. “How are you doing these days?”
Jensen fidgets slightly and considers the question. “I suppose I’m doing better than I was when I first started seeing you.”
Dr. Johnson nods his agreement. “You’re doing a lot better I would say, it is nice to see things are steadily looking up for you,” he says kindly and Jensen can tell his words are honest. “How about what we spoke about in our last session? How are you handling that?”
Jensen sucks in a breath, not sure he wants to get into that just yet. It’s a common subject for them, every session they touch the topic at some point, but it is usually closer to the end of the session, not the start. Jensen needs more time before he’s comfortable enough to talk about it. He still has the nightmares of course, but thankfully they aren’t as frequent as they used to be. That was probably one of the hardest parts about all of this, aside from the pain he’d endured.
Some of the nightmares were just repeats of the attack, haunting him in his dreams. He never likes thinking about it but his dreams were the one place he could never escape it. Reliving the whole thing over and over each night, feeling the pain and terror, seeing those sneering faces as they yelled at him and showed him just how disgusted they were.
Those dreams were bad enough but when the nightmares changed and instead of him being the victim it was Jared, that was when it got worse for him. He would wake up in a cold sweat, a scream still on his lips with an urgent need to call Jared, just to hear his voice and know that he was safe. He never gave in to that need because he knew Jared was fine but, each time, it was always there and it was a struggle not to pick up the phone.
Dr. Johnson tilts his head when Jensen meets his eyes, silently pleading for him to drop the subject, just for now. He seems to understand, smiling softly and giving a brief nod of his head. “How about this, how about we talk about your relationships? Are things improving for you at home?”
Jensen releases the breath he had been holding, relaxing a bit once more, grateful for the change in subject. This is one he can talk about without feeling uncomfortable. “There’s no more awkwardness between me and my parents now. Things had been strained for a while, they didn’t know how to talk to me and I was… well I was frustrated all of the time.”
“I remember you said it was as though they were walking on eggshells around you and that was what bothered you the most. I’m assuming that has passed?”
Jensen nods before speaking. “It’s comfortable in the house now, no more awkward conversations or having to think before speaking in fear of saying something we might regret or shouldn’t say. It’s starting to feel more like it did when I was a kid, which is nice.”
He has to smile as he says this, his relationship with his parents was one of the things he had wanted to work on the most and he was glad to see things were finally going back to normal. “So yeah, I would say things have improved a lot. I’ve forgiven them for how they treated me and mostly I’m just happy to have them in my life again, knowing they love me no matter what and support me.”
“It’s good to know your home life has improved, that’s a crucial step in your recovery,” Dr. Johnson says as he writes something down in his notepad and then draws his eyes back to Jensen. “And how about Jared? Are you feeling up to talking about Jared today?”
Jensen looks down at his lap but nods his head nonetheless. Talking about Jared is hard but he knows it’s necessary, and it is a subject Dr. Johnson makes a point to bring up each session. Deep down Jensen knows it is an important subject, wouldn’t be so tough to talk about if it wasn’t, but each time they do it gets a little easier, just like everything else.
“I still haven’t spoken to him,” he responds quietly, still looking down at his lap.
“I see, and can you tell me why that is?”
At first Jensen nearly shrugs but quickly aborts the movement, knowing he has to talk about this and shrugging isn’t going to make the subject go away. “Every day I tell myself, this is the day I’ll reach out to him, even just to say hi. But I only find myself staring at the phone, unable to dial his number. I want to but I’m…”
Dr. Johnson gives Jensen a moment to finish that sentence but when he doesn’t he fills in the blanks for him. “Afraid he won’t want to hear from you after so much time has passed?”
Jensen finally lifts his eyes and gives a nod of his head, eyebrows creased in a frown. “What if I’ve let it go for too long? I know he said he would wait but I haven’t given him any reason to or gave him any indication that I wanted him to. I knew he never truly understood why I broke up with him, likely blamed himself because of the fight we’d had that night. But that wasn’t it; I just… my head was messed up at that time. I didn’t feel like I deserved him or was good enough for him anymore. I never broke up with him because of anything he did, I just felt I wasn’t any good for him with the state I was in and needed time to focus on myself, to get better and learn how to live with myself.”
Jensen shuts up when he realizes he had gone into a rant and this whole time Dr. Johnson hadn’t said a word, was just looking at Jensen intently as he listened to every word that poured out of his mouth. He felt his cheeks flame up, embarrassed but also feeling better now that he got those thoughts out in the open.
Dr. Johnson makes a humming sound after a moment, looking comfortable in his light brown chair but the expression on his face is calculating as he looks at Jensen. “And how do you feel now? Do you still feel you’re not good enough for him, that you don’t deserve him?”
Jensen blinks and looks away, chewing at the inside of his cheek because that’s the question right there. Does he feel good enough for Jared now? Sometimes he feels that he might but there are also moments, when his self esteem is so low, that he really doesn’t feel he will ever be good enough for him again.
He is slowly getting better; talking to Dr. Johnson has shown him that not everyone is looking out to hurt him for loving a man, that what happened to him was unfortunate, not uncommon of course, but also not something he should live in fear of. Deep down Jensen has always known that, but the fear that has controlled his life since the attack had a strong hold on him back then.
He is doing better though, he still has his moments of fear but the thought of holding Jared’s hand in public or kissing him doesn’t terrify Jensen as much as it once had. It still scares him, he’s still paranoid, but not as much as he had been. When it comes right down to actually doing that he doesn’t know how he will react, will likely have his moments of panic, but Dr. Johnson has assured him that given time that will eventually fade once he overcomes the fear of it. Jensen holds onto that fact like a lifeline, wishing he was at that point now because he is tired of living in fear, but knowing that things will get better gives him hope.
“Alright,” Dr. Johnson says while Jensen is lost to his thoughts, assuming Jensen doesn’t want to answer. “Here’s another question. Do you feel you are ready to give your relationship another chance if Jared is willing?”
Jensen lifts his eyes to his psychologist, a warm feeling filling his chest.
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