Hands of Fate: Chapter Twenty-Six
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Six:
Struggling to Cope
-~*~-
January 30th, 2001
Through the part in his curtains Jared can see that the sun is shining brightly, can hear birds chirping, and the laughter from the neighborhood children. It is basically a beautiful day, meant to be spent outside, not locked indoors, but Jared doesn’t feel much like joining the rest of the town in its joy. All joy has been sapped out of him, he feels depressed and lost, and missing Jensen so much he can’t think straight.
By now he probably should’ve headed back to California, should’ve gotten back to his studies and the life he built there, but he just can’t seem to make himself do it. What’s the point in going back there? His whole world is here, even if not currently with him at the moment. He can’t bear the thought of going back knowing Jensen won’t be there. He may not be with Jensen right now but at least they’re in the same state.
Thankfully none of his family has tried convincing him to go back. They are all worried about him, hovering over him, asking him time and time again if he’s okay. He loves his family, is glad they care, but right now he really just wants to be left alone.
Time and time again he’s picked up the phone, started to dial the Ackles’ number - which he got from Josh without Jensen knowing - but he always hangs up before he can punch in the last digit. He’s a coward, he knows, but Jensen wants space and Jared’s a little afraid to call and upset his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, a voice in his head reminds him masochistically. Tears fill his eyes anew at the mere thought, he makes no attempt to wipe them away.
He keeps telling himself that Jensen didn’t really mean what he said, that he’ll come around once he’s been able to work through some of the stuff clouding his mind. Jared hopes and prays that Jensen will tell him that he made a mistake, that all he needed was some time to figure things out on his own, and that he wants Jared back. It’s probably just wishful thinking but it’s the only thing keeping him going.
Jared closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths when his bedroom door opens. He knew it’d only be a matter of time before someone came in again to check on him, they do it periodically throughout the day, but he doesn’t want the company right now. He wants to lie on his bed, thinking about Jensen and how it all went wrong, the part he played in it and how he wishes he could turn back time and do things differently. Misery is his company these days.
The last thing he wants to do right now is talk to his family, he’s not feeling up to conversation, but every time they come up here he almost feels obligated to respond when they speak to him. He says ‘almost’ because he doesn’t always talk back, sometimes he stays lying on his side and pretends they aren’t there until they finally give up and leave him on his own again.
I wonder what Jen’s doing right now, the thought enters his mind randomly, like most of his thoughts do these days. His mind just skips through random thoughts without him trying, like they’re on autopilot. Random thoughts and memories, both good and bad, filtering through his mind like a film reel.
The silence surrounds him and his visitor, deafening and threatening to consume him whole. He almost wishes it would, maybe then he’d get some rest, some peace… a respite from the guilt that’s been eating him alive and the pain of the likes he’s never experienced before. He thought losing Jensen before had been hard, but that’d been by his own hand. Sure, it had hurt, but it’d been a decision he’d made, one he had time to prepare himself for, and while that didn’t make the pain any less, it had been different. This time Jensen did the leaving and Jared feels like his heart’s been ripped out. What used to matter doesn’t so much anymore, life without Jensen isn’t a life he wants at all and he feels so lost, like it’ll never get better. He’s been looking for a light at the end of the tunnel but it’s just endless darkness.
Jared flinches when a hand lands on his shoulder but that’s the only indication he gives that he’s even awake and aware. A soft sigh can be heard over his shoulder and immediately he knows it’s his sister. “I brought you some soup,” she tells him softly, the concern in her voice clear and almost tangible. “I made it myself.”
“Not hungry,” Jared mumbles quietly, letting the silence of the room swallow his words.
“Jared, you need to eat,” Megan insists, pleadingly, squeezing his shoulder like this will coax him into action. It may have in the past - knowing he was worrying his sister - but it barely breaches the wall of pain surrounding his heart.
“You’re really starting to worry me here J.T., and I’m not the only one.”
Jared hears the words, takes them in, but he still makes no attempt to respond. He just fists his hands into the pillow beneath his head and inhales, the scent of Jensen still lingering on it. Megan sighs heavily once more before her hand disappears from his shoulder and the bed dips as she stands up. In that quiet voice of hers she tells him the soup is on the nightstand and that she’ll be in the kitchen if he needs her. Her footsteps are quiet on the carpet but he hears the door open.
“Do you think he’s missing me right now?” He asks before he even knows he’s going to open his mouth, the words pouring out before he can reign them in. He doesn’t really want to think about this, doesn’t want to make guesses… but he spoke on impulse, so, maybe he actually did want to talk about it.
“How could he not?” is her immediate response. “I know you thought you were hiding it well but, while you never said anything, I could tell you loved Jensen. It was in the way you looked at each other. That boy is in love with you Jared, and you don’t fall out of love overnight. I’d say it’s safe to say he’s as miserable as you are right now.”
“I don’t want him to be miserable,” he speaks mostly to himself as he rolls over onto his other side to face his sister. “Even though he left me I hate the thought of him in pain but at the same time I wish I knew if he missed me or not ‘cause then I’d know he…”
“That he loved you and would come back when he’s ready?” She asks, giving voice to the thoughts he couldn’t voice himself.
Jared mulls over the thought, trying to separate the possibilities from wishful thinking. The memory assaults him, reliving the tears in Jensen’s eyes as he ended their relationship but the firmness in which he made his decision. He’d meant what he said that day, there’s no denying that, and Jared can’t help but lose a little of the hope he still has of them every getting back together.
Jensen’s hurting right now, his thoughts and feelings are all over the place. He’s going through a situation Jared couldn’t begin to fathom, could never put himself in Jensen’s shoes. He realizes that Jensen thinks he is doing what’s best for himself and Jared, thinks he’s no good for anyone, is too damaged. Jared wants to be there for him, to help him through it, but he can’t force himself on Jensen.
Jensen is one of the most stubborn people he knows, and when Jensen makes up his mind it’s like pulling teeth trying to change it. If Jensen comes back to Jared it will be his decision, there will be nothing Jared can do to convince him that he is in this for real this time, and that he doesn’t care how long it takes, he isn’t going to give up on him.
“He’s never gonna come back to me,” he speaks aloud, voice breaking softly as the reality of everything comes crashing down on him.
Megan is at his side in an instant, grabbing his arm firmly as she shakes her head. “You can’t know that for sure Jay,” she tells him firmly, doing her best to encourage him, though it’s plain to see it isn’t working. “You just need to give him some time, he’s got a lot to work through, thoughts to get in order, and… maybe this isn’t something you can help him with. Maybe he needs to do this on his own. You just need to be patient with him, give him the space he needs, and let him come to you when he’s ready.”
“You don’t understand Meggie… you don’t know about all the shit I’ve put him through. I’ve given him the run-around so many times, gave him false promises, blamed things on him… all because I was a coward. I couldn’t be the man he deserved then so what makes me think I can be now?” Tears fill Jared’s eyes just as something clicks into place, an understanding. “Maybe he’s got the right idea.”
A frown appears on Megan’s face as she cautiously asks, “What do you mean? Why would you say that?”
“He’s tried and tried again with me Meggie, given me more chances than I deserved, and maybe he’s reached his limit. I wouldn’t blame him for giving up on me, I know there’s only so much he can take.” This newfound understanding leaves him feeling empty but at the same time he feels like he can breathe a little easier.
For the first time today Jared pushes himself off of the bed and moves to the window, looking outside, eyes trained on a place far in the distance. Megan doesn’t move from her spot on the bed, just sits there staring at Jared with sympathy. Jared dismisses the emotion in her eyes, turning away from her completely, eyes trained on the view outside the window.
“I’ve hurt him so much Megan, drug his heart through the mud and then stomped on it. I didn’t treat him very well, I know that now… and maybe I can make up for that, even if just a little bit.”
Megan does rise from the bed this time, he hears the bedsprings squeak when she stands up. Before he knows it she’s standing beside him, a look of complete disbelief on her face. “I don’t like where this is going J.T., you can’t honestly be saying…”
Jared gives her a brief, broken smile that makes her freeze mid-sentence. “I’m not saying I like it, in fact it hurts like hell, but maybe I should just do what he wants and let him go. I haven’t given him what he wants all this time but, maybe I should start. Maybe I can do right by him this time by giving him what he wants.”
Megan gapes at him. “Of all the times to start giving him what he wants this is the time you choose?” She shakes her head, looking like she’d rather be shaking him. “J.T., I say this because I love you… don’t be an idiot! You love him, he loves you, and you don’t just throw that away!”
“I’m not throwing it away,” he says firmly. “I’m just…”
“Being an idiot,” she interrupts him with a scowl but he just shrugs his shoulders.
“You can think what you want Megan but… I just…” he huffs when he can’t get his thoughts put into words, turning to stare out the window once more. “We’ve been trying and trying to make this relationship work, him maybe more than me, but I was too, no matter what it may have seemed like at the time. I was afraid before, afraid of you guys’ reactions, afraid of pushing Jensen away, afraid of losing my family as much as losing him. I’ve worn myself thin and I know he’s in the same condition. I just think… we’re both tired.”
“First off,” she pokes him in the chest, a hard look in her eyes but soft expression on her face. “You were an idiot if you seriously thought for even a second that I’d cut you out of my life. I don’t care that you’re gay, I wouldn’t care if you came up to me tomorrow and told me you wanted to be a woman, I love you and always will, no matter what you do. Don’t ever be afraid to come to me again, especially with something so important. You can tell me anything.”
Jared is almost in tears as he grabs hold of his sister and hugs her tight to him, burying his face in her hair. “Thanks Meggie,” he whispers, so relieved and just touched that his sister cares so much, warmed by the fact that she’ll always be on his side. “That means more to me than you could ever possibly know.”
She chuckles softly, patting his back. “No problem bro,” she tells him before pulling out of their hug. She looks into his eyes for a moment, pride in her gaze, before she schools her features, a tell-tale sign that she’s gonna say something Jared may not like.
“Secondly, you’re what, tired of trying?” She asks incredulously and he actually flinches at her tone but she doesn’t seem to care. “Relationships aren’t meant to be easy Jare, trying to make it work is the whole point. You’re gonna have your low moments but you’ll also have those moments that make it all worthwhile. Don’t tell me you don’t love him enough to keep trying because we both know it’d be a lie.”
With that said, she gives him a warm smile to soften the way she kind of just laid into him to set him straight and then she quietly leaves the room. It is kind of ironic how his baby sister just gave him advice on love. When did she get so grown up?
He isn’t going to just dismiss what she’s said, but he isn’t completely sure he agrees with her yet. She’s made some valid points, relationships are never easy, but he can’t help thinking they shouldn’t be as hard as his and Jensen’s is. How could their relationship be good when all they do is hurt each other time and time again? It’s a never ending cycle. He’s beginning to think they were just never meant to be together.
He’s starting to believe this may be true but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t mean the thought of losing Jensen for good isn’t like a stab through the heart.
:0Ж0:
“You didn’t have to follow me here,” Jensen says, the same thing he’s been saying every single day since he got back home, a place he never thought he’d come back to. “You’ve got a life in Cali, jobs you can’t put off for much longer. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful but I don’t want you losing your jobs because of me.”
“Don’t you worry about our jobs Jen,” Chris drawls lazily as he drops down onto the couch next to him, careful not to jar his leg which is propped up on a pillow, a beer in Chris’ right hand and turkey sandwich in his left. “Look at it as an extended vacation… Steve and I were definitely due one of those.”
Jensen just gives a soft grin and shakes his head. “Yeah, but still… I know all that vacation time you had stored away is almost up and I don’t want you getting in trouble on my account. When you gotta head back then you do that, don’t worry about me. I’ve got family looking after me.”
Chris raises an eyebrow and, yeah, Jensen knew this was a weak argument. He and his parents may be on speaking terms now, trying to rebuild all they lost, all that was broken, but it hasn’t been going so smoothly. Jensen finds himself having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. He loves his parents, had wished they’d come to their senses and want to be a part of his life again, but now that they have… he’s just having a hard time letting go of the past.
He isn’t trying to be difficult but most often these days he finds himself alternating between frustrated and uncomfortable. His parents are trying but it almost seems like they’re just trying a little too hard. Watching extra close to what they say to him, trying to hard to please him, acting… well, not at all like his parents. It’s like they’re playing a part, the part of the parents they believe he wants or something.
He doesn’t want all of the awkward stares and silences, the silted conversations and tentative smiles. He wants them to be themselves, to show they truly accept him now, not playing the part of loving parents just because he got hurt and they feel guilty now. He knows that probably isn’t fair to them, they are trying. He’s sure they aren’t being nice to him, treating him like their son, just because they feel guilty that he got hurt, but it feels like that a lot of the time.
“Mack is here,” he amends. “I’m not alone, she’ll watch over me for you, I know that’s what is worrying you the most. But, just so you know, even if she wasn’t I wouldn’t do anything stupid. I’m not suicidal.”
Chris takes a swig of his beer, wiping at his mouth before turning to Jensen with a serious look in his eyes. “I know you’re not suicidal Jen, okay, I just want to be here for you. You need your friends, despite what you may think. You try to pretend that you haven’t been that affected by this whole thing but you can’t fool me. I’ve heard the nightmares, every night I might add, and I can see it all over your face. It’s haunting you son, and now more than ever you need the support of your friends. I’m not going anywhere until I absolutely have to, and even then I’ll be calling every day, so just shut up and accept it.”
Despite himself Jensen finds a small smile curving the corner of his lips. “Yeah alright I’ll let it go,” he responds quietly. “I do appreciate you being here, I hope you don’t think I don’t, cause I do. I’m glad you’re here.”
Chris is silent in thought for just a moment before giving Jensen a soft look. “Yeah Jen, I know, didn’t need to be said.”
“You two sharing a moment?” Steve asks teasingly as he suddenly appears behind the couch, standing there with his hands resting on the back as he glances between Chris and Jensen.
Chris scowls deeply but from where Jensen’s sitting it just looks like he’s pouting, he knows better than to point this out though, instead he just smiles to himself, chuckling softly. Steve rounds the couch and drops down next to Chris, nearly making the man spill the beer he’s holding.
“Watch it would ya?” Chris grumbles as he leans forward to put his beer on the coffee table.
“You’re way too attached to that beer,” Steve comments in amusement but Chris just raises an eyebrow, not as amused but still smiling slightly.
“Whatever, don’t pretend you’re any better.”
Jensen watches his friends bicker lightly back and forth, and while it is slightly amusing, he really just isn’t feeling it. He loves having them around, enjoys their company, but lately he’s just been… different. His mind and feelings are still all over the place and he hasn’t quite figured out how to get a handle on it all yet. Some days are better than others, some are worse, it just depends.
These days he thinks about Jared a lot, wonders how he’s doing, if he’s okay. He can only hope Jared isn’t taking this too hard, isn’t letting it get the best of him. Jensen can still remember how he felt when Jared broke up with him, the pain and listlessness, no desire or motivation to do anything but hole himself up in his room and detach himself from the world. He just hopes he hasn’t left Jared in a similar state. He never wanted to hurt Jared but he knows he did and he can only hope Jared bounces back from this, doesn’t let it keep him down for too long.
He can admit that he misses having Jared around, the days seem harder without him. He doesn’t want to miss him though, doesn’t want to wish he was here or regret doing what he truly believes was for the best. But just because he believes it was for the best doesn’t make it any easier, doesn’t make him miss Jared any less. You don’t deserve to miss him, a nasty voice tells him and part of him actually believes that may be true. He left Jared, broke his heart, he doesn’t have the right to miss him.
“Have either of you, um…” Jensen trails off before he can get the words out, not quite sure why he was going to ask in the first place.
Chris and Steve look at him unflinchingly, expressions of understanding on their faces, apparently they know exactly what Jensen wanted to ask. He’s been doing his best not to mention Jared at all, wanting to pretend the guy hasn’t crossed his mind, but he should have known better. Chris and Steve have been there with Jared and Jensen throughout their whole relationship, and they know them very well, there’s no way Jensen could hide this from them, deep down he knew that all along.
“Yeah Jen, I’ve spoken to him a couple of times,” Steve tells him softly, an expectant look on his face, obviously knowing what Jensen really wants to know.
“How uh, how is he?”
His friends give him matching expressions of sympathy, something he wants the least right now. He doesn’t exactly deserve their sympathy, considering he was the one that broke up with Jared. He’s actually surprised they aren’t angry with him for what he did. He’d been expecting them to be upset. But they haven’t really brought it up.
“Do you really want to know the answer to that question?” Steve asks, looking at him pointedly. “You have to know he isn’t doing so well.”
Jensen shifts uncomfortably in his seat, gasping softly when his ribs scream in protest. This gains Chris and Steve’s focus immediately, their eyes scrutinizing him, their conversation already forgotten. He laughs sheepishly, shrugging his shoulder carefully.
“You need more pain pills?” Steve asks but before Jensen can answer Chris is rising to his feet and striding swiftly from the room.
Mother hen, Jensen thinks to himself fondly as he and Steve share an eye roll.
:0Ж0:
The next couple of days pass by much like the days before them and before he knows it Chris and Steve have to head back to California. He wishes them a safe flight, reassuring them over and over that he’ll be alright, and practically has to push them out the door. But when they’re finally gone the house instantly feels more suffocating and he wants nothing more than to get out.
Part of him wishes he could’ve gone with them but he knew that wasn’t a possibility. For one, he’d never put that burden on their shoulders, he knows he requires a lot of help these days. They never complained of course, but Jensen would never burden his friends like that. He really isn’t up for that kind of traveling at the moment anyway, and it’s best to stay in Texas for the time being. This is where he needs to be, whether he wants to be here or not.
This is the house he grew up in, this is his family, but now he just feels like a stranger in a foreign place. He doesn’t quite know how to act around his parents anymore and he knows the feeling is mutual. One thing he has to be thankful for is the fact that he’s not alone here with them, he can spend his time with Mackenzie. He knows he just needs to reconnect with his parents, get over old hurts and move on, but that will take some time.
“Hey Jen, we haven’t really had time to talk lately,” Mack says quietly as she suddenly appears beside him, looking at him carefully, trying to read him.
Jensen just stares back at her for a moment before turning back to the TV he hadn’t actually been watching. “You’re fishing,” he says simply. “What is it you really want Mack?”
“I can’t just want to talk to my brother?” she asks innocently but Jensen isn’t falling for the act, he knows his sister too well.
“Not when you use that tone,” he responds wryly, giving her a tiny grin.
Their mom pokes her head around the corner before either Jensen or Mackenzie can say anything further, a smile lighting her face. “Lunch is on the table, I figured you two were probably getting hungry.”
To be honest Jensen isn’t that hungry, his appetite hasn’t fully returned yet, but he knows he has to eat, especially since he’s on pain meds right now. He gives her the best grateful smile he can manage and thanks her quietly. Mackenzie is the one who comes to his aid, helping him into his wheelchair. It only makes him feel more like an invalid but he forces down any complaints that want to rush to the surface, biting his tongue and keeping sullenly silent.
Mackenzie wheels him to the table before taking a seat herself, digging into the sandwich their mom set out for her. “I know you don’t like to talk about this,” she begins around a mouthful of food. “But be honest with me, how are you really doing?”
Jensen takes a moment to consider this. “As best as expected,” he answers after a moment, already knowing this isn’t the answer she was hoping for.
“That’s the response you’ve been giving every time someone asks you, I want the truth,” she pushes undeterred. “How are you really doing? You still having nightmares? Have you considered seeing a therapist? What about Jared? How are you holding up?”
Jensen sighs heavily as his sister fires question after question at him, questions he doesn’t want to answer much less think too closely on. Not giving Jared much thought isn’t exactly easy of course, and to be honest he’s a little confused about where he stands with Jared, what he truly wants. He ended things between them, no going back from that now, especially while he’s still so confused… but, well sometimes he has to wonder if… Don’t think about it, he tells himself firmly when all those confusing, consuming thoughts threaten to come back and plague him for the rest of the day.
Instead he decides talking about how he’s coping is the lesser of two evils.
“You’re telling me you haven’t heard me at night?” he asks incredulously. “I know I’ve practically screamed the house down, Chris and Steve told me.”
Mackenzie grins a little sheepishly. “I heard Jen, I just wanted to see if…”
“If I’d admit to them,” Jensen finishes for her, understanding but kind of sad that his sister, the person he’s closest to, doubted he’d be honest with her. Yeah, this is a bad situation, one he’s struggling to deal with, but of everyone Mackenzie is the one person he would go to if he needed someone to talk to, the one person he’d never lie to if asked straight out. “I don’t really know what to tell you Mack, I mean I’m coping the best I can, it’s just… it’s gonna take some time.”
Mackenzie bites her lip, looking up at him from beneath her lashes, indecision in her eyes before she finally opens her mouth. “I know you aren’t gonna like to hear this Jen, but I think you need to see a psychologist,” she holds her hand up when Jensen opens his mouth to protest. “You’re struggling with this, you said so yourself, and while I am always here to listen and help in any way I possibly can, we both know it’s not enough. You need someone to talk to who can help you put this behind you and move on with your life, to help you get your life back, and a psychologist is the best option you have. I know you don’t want professional help but you need it. Please, just promise me you’ll consider it.”
Jensen closes his eyes tightly. He has never been able to deny his sister anything, but this is one thing he’s not sure he can promise. He doesn’t want to see a psychologist, doesn’t want to talk about what happened to him to a complete stranger. How could they possibly help him through this when they have no idea what it’s like to go through something like he did? Everything they know they learned from a text book and a professor. How the hell could they help him through this when they haven’t experienced it themselves?
He will admit he probably needs help though, needs to talk about what happened. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger about any of this, doesn’t want to talk about it at all, just wants to forget it ever happened and move on. He’s a realist though, he knows there’s no forgetting. Besides, maybe it’d be better that he talk to a psychologist, he supposes that would be better than burdening his family with it.
Great, now my mind is running in circles, he thinks to himself with a mental eye roll.
“I can’t promise anything Mack but I’ll think about it,” he whispers softly, unable to give her much more than that.
:0Ж0:
“You’ve got all of us really worried about you.”
Jensen looks up when his mom joined him outside. He’d recently taken to spending his time on the back porch. He didn’t like leaving the house, the bruises on his face had yet to fade and being pushed around in the wheelchair made him feel like he was put on display, so he stayed at his parents house, refusing to leave. He’d been yearning for some fresh air though and decided spending hours in the backyard was his best option. It was peaceful back here, no one hardly ever bothered him and he didn’t have to worry about curious stares upon him.
“Why are you worrying about me?” He asks as he turns his head away once more, staring off into the distance with a slight sigh. “I’m fine mom.”
“No you’re not and you know it,” she counters as gently as she could, pulling up a chair next to him. He didn’t turn to look at her but her presence was felt, her penetrating stare made him feel like he was under a microscope. “Why haven’t you called that boy? We all know you miss him.”
Jensen closes his eyes, he’d been waiting for this, just didn’t expect it to come from his mom. “Don’t mom, I can’t okay, I just can’t. He’s better off without me.”
“Don’t you talk like that,” she admonishes him gently, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder. “That boy loves you, even I could see that. I don’t know what happened between you two exactly but I know love when I see it Jensen, and you two love each other. Why push him away when you need him the most? He wants to be here for you, wants to be with you, and I know you miss him too. Why not give him a call, tell him you need him? I’m sure he’d be on the first flight out if you did.”
“I’m not ready, not sure when I will be, and that’s not fair to him. We’re in different places now… then again, we always were,” he let out a humorless laugh, shaking his head a little. “He took that step forward and I took two steps back. It’s like we’ve always got something against us, I don’t know, maybe we really aren’t meant to be together.”
“All good relationships are never easy Jensen, in fact most of the time they hurt like hell and it’s a constant fight, but it’s worth it. If you love Jared you shouldn’t push him away, you should let him in. I know you think what you’re doing is in his best interest but you’re scared and that’s the real reason. You need him but you’re afraid you’re not good enough anymore, not strong enough. I don’t believe that’s true though.”
“I don’t know mom.” Jensen let out a sigh, turning his head to look at her. There were so many things he wanted to say but he just couldn’t seem to find the words.
“You and I lost touch with each other but I like to think I still know my son, and my son is strong willed and fights for what he believes in. What you went through was horrible and I can’t begin to imagine what is going through your head, I know you’re a little lost right now but I know you’re still in there, that fire is still there, you just need to find it again.” She grips onto his shoulder a little tighter, leaning forward, making sure he doesn’t break eye contact. “Don’t let those boys get the best of you Jensen, don’t let them win. They wanted to take your life away from you but don’t you let them take it, you fight back and show them that you’re stronger than that; show them they didn’t break you.”
Jensen forces a weak smile onto his face, shaking his head a little. “I’m real messed up right now mom, my head is, and I’m no good for him right now. I do love Jared but I need to work through the issues in my head before I can be what he needs. If he moves on than I wish him the best but I can’t be with him right now. I need to focus on me, I…” Jensen trails off, voice slightly choked from emotion. “I need to see professional help.” He admits even though it’s a hard thing to admit. “I need help getting my life in order.”
His mom’s expression softens, a teary smile appearing on her face. “I’m glad you’ve come to that decision. There’s no shame in seeking help Jensen, and I’m proud of you.” She kisses his forehead, that teary smile still on her face. “Things will get better, don’t lose faith.”
Jensen sighs heavily, shutting his eyes for a moment before opening them to stare off into the distance once more. “I hope you’re right… I just hope Jared will understand.” I love him enough to let him go, he tells himself in silence, hoping they can get back what’s been lost but knowing it is more than possible they may not.
Next
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Six:
Struggling to Cope
-~*~-
January 30th, 2001
Through the part in his curtains Jared can see that the sun is shining brightly, can hear birds chirping, and the laughter from the neighborhood children. It is basically a beautiful day, meant to be spent outside, not locked indoors, but Jared doesn’t feel much like joining the rest of the town in its joy. All joy has been sapped out of him, he feels depressed and lost, and missing Jensen so much he can’t think straight.
By now he probably should’ve headed back to California, should’ve gotten back to his studies and the life he built there, but he just can’t seem to make himself do it. What’s the point in going back there? His whole world is here, even if not currently with him at the moment. He can’t bear the thought of going back knowing Jensen won’t be there. He may not be with Jensen right now but at least they’re in the same state.
Thankfully none of his family has tried convincing him to go back. They are all worried about him, hovering over him, asking him time and time again if he’s okay. He loves his family, is glad they care, but right now he really just wants to be left alone.
Time and time again he’s picked up the phone, started to dial the Ackles’ number - which he got from Josh without Jensen knowing - but he always hangs up before he can punch in the last digit. He’s a coward, he knows, but Jensen wants space and Jared’s a little afraid to call and upset his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, a voice in his head reminds him masochistically. Tears fill his eyes anew at the mere thought, he makes no attempt to wipe them away.
He keeps telling himself that Jensen didn’t really mean what he said, that he’ll come around once he’s been able to work through some of the stuff clouding his mind. Jared hopes and prays that Jensen will tell him that he made a mistake, that all he needed was some time to figure things out on his own, and that he wants Jared back. It’s probably just wishful thinking but it’s the only thing keeping him going.
Jared closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths when his bedroom door opens. He knew it’d only be a matter of time before someone came in again to check on him, they do it periodically throughout the day, but he doesn’t want the company right now. He wants to lie on his bed, thinking about Jensen and how it all went wrong, the part he played in it and how he wishes he could turn back time and do things differently. Misery is his company these days.
The last thing he wants to do right now is talk to his family, he’s not feeling up to conversation, but every time they come up here he almost feels obligated to respond when they speak to him. He says ‘almost’ because he doesn’t always talk back, sometimes he stays lying on his side and pretends they aren’t there until they finally give up and leave him on his own again.
I wonder what Jen’s doing right now, the thought enters his mind randomly, like most of his thoughts do these days. His mind just skips through random thoughts without him trying, like they’re on autopilot. Random thoughts and memories, both good and bad, filtering through his mind like a film reel.
The silence surrounds him and his visitor, deafening and threatening to consume him whole. He almost wishes it would, maybe then he’d get some rest, some peace… a respite from the guilt that’s been eating him alive and the pain of the likes he’s never experienced before. He thought losing Jensen before had been hard, but that’d been by his own hand. Sure, it had hurt, but it’d been a decision he’d made, one he had time to prepare himself for, and while that didn’t make the pain any less, it had been different. This time Jensen did the leaving and Jared feels like his heart’s been ripped out. What used to matter doesn’t so much anymore, life without Jensen isn’t a life he wants at all and he feels so lost, like it’ll never get better. He’s been looking for a light at the end of the tunnel but it’s just endless darkness.
Jared flinches when a hand lands on his shoulder but that’s the only indication he gives that he’s even awake and aware. A soft sigh can be heard over his shoulder and immediately he knows it’s his sister. “I brought you some soup,” she tells him softly, the concern in her voice clear and almost tangible. “I made it myself.”
“Not hungry,” Jared mumbles quietly, letting the silence of the room swallow his words.
“Jared, you need to eat,” Megan insists, pleadingly, squeezing his shoulder like this will coax him into action. It may have in the past - knowing he was worrying his sister - but it barely breaches the wall of pain surrounding his heart.
“You’re really starting to worry me here J.T., and I’m not the only one.”
Jared hears the words, takes them in, but he still makes no attempt to respond. He just fists his hands into the pillow beneath his head and inhales, the scent of Jensen still lingering on it. Megan sighs heavily once more before her hand disappears from his shoulder and the bed dips as she stands up. In that quiet voice of hers she tells him the soup is on the nightstand and that she’ll be in the kitchen if he needs her. Her footsteps are quiet on the carpet but he hears the door open.
“Do you think he’s missing me right now?” He asks before he even knows he’s going to open his mouth, the words pouring out before he can reign them in. He doesn’t really want to think about this, doesn’t want to make guesses… but he spoke on impulse, so, maybe he actually did want to talk about it.
“How could he not?” is her immediate response. “I know you thought you were hiding it well but, while you never said anything, I could tell you loved Jensen. It was in the way you looked at each other. That boy is in love with you Jared, and you don’t fall out of love overnight. I’d say it’s safe to say he’s as miserable as you are right now.”
“I don’t want him to be miserable,” he speaks mostly to himself as he rolls over onto his other side to face his sister. “Even though he left me I hate the thought of him in pain but at the same time I wish I knew if he missed me or not ‘cause then I’d know he…”
“That he loved you and would come back when he’s ready?” She asks, giving voice to the thoughts he couldn’t voice himself.
Jared mulls over the thought, trying to separate the possibilities from wishful thinking. The memory assaults him, reliving the tears in Jensen’s eyes as he ended their relationship but the firmness in which he made his decision. He’d meant what he said that day, there’s no denying that, and Jared can’t help but lose a little of the hope he still has of them every getting back together.
Jensen’s hurting right now, his thoughts and feelings are all over the place. He’s going through a situation Jared couldn’t begin to fathom, could never put himself in Jensen’s shoes. He realizes that Jensen thinks he is doing what’s best for himself and Jared, thinks he’s no good for anyone, is too damaged. Jared wants to be there for him, to help him through it, but he can’t force himself on Jensen.
Jensen is one of the most stubborn people he knows, and when Jensen makes up his mind it’s like pulling teeth trying to change it. If Jensen comes back to Jared it will be his decision, there will be nothing Jared can do to convince him that he is in this for real this time, and that he doesn’t care how long it takes, he isn’t going to give up on him.
“He’s never gonna come back to me,” he speaks aloud, voice breaking softly as the reality of everything comes crashing down on him.
Megan is at his side in an instant, grabbing his arm firmly as she shakes her head. “You can’t know that for sure Jay,” she tells him firmly, doing her best to encourage him, though it’s plain to see it isn’t working. “You just need to give him some time, he’s got a lot to work through, thoughts to get in order, and… maybe this isn’t something you can help him with. Maybe he needs to do this on his own. You just need to be patient with him, give him the space he needs, and let him come to you when he’s ready.”
“You don’t understand Meggie… you don’t know about all the shit I’ve put him through. I’ve given him the run-around so many times, gave him false promises, blamed things on him… all because I was a coward. I couldn’t be the man he deserved then so what makes me think I can be now?” Tears fill Jared’s eyes just as something clicks into place, an understanding. “Maybe he’s got the right idea.”
A frown appears on Megan’s face as she cautiously asks, “What do you mean? Why would you say that?”
“He’s tried and tried again with me Meggie, given me more chances than I deserved, and maybe he’s reached his limit. I wouldn’t blame him for giving up on me, I know there’s only so much he can take.” This newfound understanding leaves him feeling empty but at the same time he feels like he can breathe a little easier.
For the first time today Jared pushes himself off of the bed and moves to the window, looking outside, eyes trained on a place far in the distance. Megan doesn’t move from her spot on the bed, just sits there staring at Jared with sympathy. Jared dismisses the emotion in her eyes, turning away from her completely, eyes trained on the view outside the window.
“I’ve hurt him so much Megan, drug his heart through the mud and then stomped on it. I didn’t treat him very well, I know that now… and maybe I can make up for that, even if just a little bit.”
Megan does rise from the bed this time, he hears the bedsprings squeak when she stands up. Before he knows it she’s standing beside him, a look of complete disbelief on her face. “I don’t like where this is going J.T., you can’t honestly be saying…”
Jared gives her a brief, broken smile that makes her freeze mid-sentence. “I’m not saying I like it, in fact it hurts like hell, but maybe I should just do what he wants and let him go. I haven’t given him what he wants all this time but, maybe I should start. Maybe I can do right by him this time by giving him what he wants.”
Megan gapes at him. “Of all the times to start giving him what he wants this is the time you choose?” She shakes her head, looking like she’d rather be shaking him. “J.T., I say this because I love you… don’t be an idiot! You love him, he loves you, and you don’t just throw that away!”
“I’m not throwing it away,” he says firmly. “I’m just…”
“Being an idiot,” she interrupts him with a scowl but he just shrugs his shoulders.
“You can think what you want Megan but… I just…” he huffs when he can’t get his thoughts put into words, turning to stare out the window once more. “We’ve been trying and trying to make this relationship work, him maybe more than me, but I was too, no matter what it may have seemed like at the time. I was afraid before, afraid of you guys’ reactions, afraid of pushing Jensen away, afraid of losing my family as much as losing him. I’ve worn myself thin and I know he’s in the same condition. I just think… we’re both tired.”
“First off,” she pokes him in the chest, a hard look in her eyes but soft expression on her face. “You were an idiot if you seriously thought for even a second that I’d cut you out of my life. I don’t care that you’re gay, I wouldn’t care if you came up to me tomorrow and told me you wanted to be a woman, I love you and always will, no matter what you do. Don’t ever be afraid to come to me again, especially with something so important. You can tell me anything.”
Jared is almost in tears as he grabs hold of his sister and hugs her tight to him, burying his face in her hair. “Thanks Meggie,” he whispers, so relieved and just touched that his sister cares so much, warmed by the fact that she’ll always be on his side. “That means more to me than you could ever possibly know.”
She chuckles softly, patting his back. “No problem bro,” she tells him before pulling out of their hug. She looks into his eyes for a moment, pride in her gaze, before she schools her features, a tell-tale sign that she’s gonna say something Jared may not like.
“Secondly, you’re what, tired of trying?” She asks incredulously and he actually flinches at her tone but she doesn’t seem to care. “Relationships aren’t meant to be easy Jare, trying to make it work is the whole point. You’re gonna have your low moments but you’ll also have those moments that make it all worthwhile. Don’t tell me you don’t love him enough to keep trying because we both know it’d be a lie.”
With that said, she gives him a warm smile to soften the way she kind of just laid into him to set him straight and then she quietly leaves the room. It is kind of ironic how his baby sister just gave him advice on love. When did she get so grown up?
He isn’t going to just dismiss what she’s said, but he isn’t completely sure he agrees with her yet. She’s made some valid points, relationships are never easy, but he can’t help thinking they shouldn’t be as hard as his and Jensen’s is. How could their relationship be good when all they do is hurt each other time and time again? It’s a never ending cycle. He’s beginning to think they were just never meant to be together.
He’s starting to believe this may be true but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t mean the thought of losing Jensen for good isn’t like a stab through the heart.
:0Ж0:
“You didn’t have to follow me here,” Jensen says, the same thing he’s been saying every single day since he got back home, a place he never thought he’d come back to. “You’ve got a life in Cali, jobs you can’t put off for much longer. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful but I don’t want you losing your jobs because of me.”
“Don’t you worry about our jobs Jen,” Chris drawls lazily as he drops down onto the couch next to him, careful not to jar his leg which is propped up on a pillow, a beer in Chris’ right hand and turkey sandwich in his left. “Look at it as an extended vacation… Steve and I were definitely due one of those.”
Jensen just gives a soft grin and shakes his head. “Yeah, but still… I know all that vacation time you had stored away is almost up and I don’t want you getting in trouble on my account. When you gotta head back then you do that, don’t worry about me. I’ve got family looking after me.”
Chris raises an eyebrow and, yeah, Jensen knew this was a weak argument. He and his parents may be on speaking terms now, trying to rebuild all they lost, all that was broken, but it hasn’t been going so smoothly. Jensen finds himself having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. He loves his parents, had wished they’d come to their senses and want to be a part of his life again, but now that they have… he’s just having a hard time letting go of the past.
He isn’t trying to be difficult but most often these days he finds himself alternating between frustrated and uncomfortable. His parents are trying but it almost seems like they’re just trying a little too hard. Watching extra close to what they say to him, trying to hard to please him, acting… well, not at all like his parents. It’s like they’re playing a part, the part of the parents they believe he wants or something.
He doesn’t want all of the awkward stares and silences, the silted conversations and tentative smiles. He wants them to be themselves, to show they truly accept him now, not playing the part of loving parents just because he got hurt and they feel guilty now. He knows that probably isn’t fair to them, they are trying. He’s sure they aren’t being nice to him, treating him like their son, just because they feel guilty that he got hurt, but it feels like that a lot of the time.
“Mack is here,” he amends. “I’m not alone, she’ll watch over me for you, I know that’s what is worrying you the most. But, just so you know, even if she wasn’t I wouldn’t do anything stupid. I’m not suicidal.”
Chris takes a swig of his beer, wiping at his mouth before turning to Jensen with a serious look in his eyes. “I know you’re not suicidal Jen, okay, I just want to be here for you. You need your friends, despite what you may think. You try to pretend that you haven’t been that affected by this whole thing but you can’t fool me. I’ve heard the nightmares, every night I might add, and I can see it all over your face. It’s haunting you son, and now more than ever you need the support of your friends. I’m not going anywhere until I absolutely have to, and even then I’ll be calling every day, so just shut up and accept it.”
Despite himself Jensen finds a small smile curving the corner of his lips. “Yeah alright I’ll let it go,” he responds quietly. “I do appreciate you being here, I hope you don’t think I don’t, cause I do. I’m glad you’re here.”
Chris is silent in thought for just a moment before giving Jensen a soft look. “Yeah Jen, I know, didn’t need to be said.”
“You two sharing a moment?” Steve asks teasingly as he suddenly appears behind the couch, standing there with his hands resting on the back as he glances between Chris and Jensen.
Chris scowls deeply but from where Jensen’s sitting it just looks like he’s pouting, he knows better than to point this out though, instead he just smiles to himself, chuckling softly. Steve rounds the couch and drops down next to Chris, nearly making the man spill the beer he’s holding.
“Watch it would ya?” Chris grumbles as he leans forward to put his beer on the coffee table.
“You’re way too attached to that beer,” Steve comments in amusement but Chris just raises an eyebrow, not as amused but still smiling slightly.
“Whatever, don’t pretend you’re any better.”
Jensen watches his friends bicker lightly back and forth, and while it is slightly amusing, he really just isn’t feeling it. He loves having them around, enjoys their company, but lately he’s just been… different. His mind and feelings are still all over the place and he hasn’t quite figured out how to get a handle on it all yet. Some days are better than others, some are worse, it just depends.
These days he thinks about Jared a lot, wonders how he’s doing, if he’s okay. He can only hope Jared isn’t taking this too hard, isn’t letting it get the best of him. Jensen can still remember how he felt when Jared broke up with him, the pain and listlessness, no desire or motivation to do anything but hole himself up in his room and detach himself from the world. He just hopes he hasn’t left Jared in a similar state. He never wanted to hurt Jared but he knows he did and he can only hope Jared bounces back from this, doesn’t let it keep him down for too long.
He can admit that he misses having Jared around, the days seem harder without him. He doesn’t want to miss him though, doesn’t want to wish he was here or regret doing what he truly believes was for the best. But just because he believes it was for the best doesn’t make it any easier, doesn’t make him miss Jared any less. You don’t deserve to miss him, a nasty voice tells him and part of him actually believes that may be true. He left Jared, broke his heart, he doesn’t have the right to miss him.
“Have either of you, um…” Jensen trails off before he can get the words out, not quite sure why he was going to ask in the first place.
Chris and Steve look at him unflinchingly, expressions of understanding on their faces, apparently they know exactly what Jensen wanted to ask. He’s been doing his best not to mention Jared at all, wanting to pretend the guy hasn’t crossed his mind, but he should have known better. Chris and Steve have been there with Jared and Jensen throughout their whole relationship, and they know them very well, there’s no way Jensen could hide this from them, deep down he knew that all along.
“Yeah Jen, I’ve spoken to him a couple of times,” Steve tells him softly, an expectant look on his face, obviously knowing what Jensen really wants to know.
“How uh, how is he?”
His friends give him matching expressions of sympathy, something he wants the least right now. He doesn’t exactly deserve their sympathy, considering he was the one that broke up with Jared. He’s actually surprised they aren’t angry with him for what he did. He’d been expecting them to be upset. But they haven’t really brought it up.
“Do you really want to know the answer to that question?” Steve asks, looking at him pointedly. “You have to know he isn’t doing so well.”
Jensen shifts uncomfortably in his seat, gasping softly when his ribs scream in protest. This gains Chris and Steve’s focus immediately, their eyes scrutinizing him, their conversation already forgotten. He laughs sheepishly, shrugging his shoulder carefully.
“You need more pain pills?” Steve asks but before Jensen can answer Chris is rising to his feet and striding swiftly from the room.
Mother hen, Jensen thinks to himself fondly as he and Steve share an eye roll.
:0Ж0:
The next couple of days pass by much like the days before them and before he knows it Chris and Steve have to head back to California. He wishes them a safe flight, reassuring them over and over that he’ll be alright, and practically has to push them out the door. But when they’re finally gone the house instantly feels more suffocating and he wants nothing more than to get out.
Part of him wishes he could’ve gone with them but he knew that wasn’t a possibility. For one, he’d never put that burden on their shoulders, he knows he requires a lot of help these days. They never complained of course, but Jensen would never burden his friends like that. He really isn’t up for that kind of traveling at the moment anyway, and it’s best to stay in Texas for the time being. This is where he needs to be, whether he wants to be here or not.
This is the house he grew up in, this is his family, but now he just feels like a stranger in a foreign place. He doesn’t quite know how to act around his parents anymore and he knows the feeling is mutual. One thing he has to be thankful for is the fact that he’s not alone here with them, he can spend his time with Mackenzie. He knows he just needs to reconnect with his parents, get over old hurts and move on, but that will take some time.
“Hey Jen, we haven’t really had time to talk lately,” Mack says quietly as she suddenly appears beside him, looking at him carefully, trying to read him.
Jensen just stares back at her for a moment before turning back to the TV he hadn’t actually been watching. “You’re fishing,” he says simply. “What is it you really want Mack?”
“I can’t just want to talk to my brother?” she asks innocently but Jensen isn’t falling for the act, he knows his sister too well.
“Not when you use that tone,” he responds wryly, giving her a tiny grin.
Their mom pokes her head around the corner before either Jensen or Mackenzie can say anything further, a smile lighting her face. “Lunch is on the table, I figured you two were probably getting hungry.”
To be honest Jensen isn’t that hungry, his appetite hasn’t fully returned yet, but he knows he has to eat, especially since he’s on pain meds right now. He gives her the best grateful smile he can manage and thanks her quietly. Mackenzie is the one who comes to his aid, helping him into his wheelchair. It only makes him feel more like an invalid but he forces down any complaints that want to rush to the surface, biting his tongue and keeping sullenly silent.
Mackenzie wheels him to the table before taking a seat herself, digging into the sandwich their mom set out for her. “I know you don’t like to talk about this,” she begins around a mouthful of food. “But be honest with me, how are you really doing?”
Jensen takes a moment to consider this. “As best as expected,” he answers after a moment, already knowing this isn’t the answer she was hoping for.
“That’s the response you’ve been giving every time someone asks you, I want the truth,” she pushes undeterred. “How are you really doing? You still having nightmares? Have you considered seeing a therapist? What about Jared? How are you holding up?”
Jensen sighs heavily as his sister fires question after question at him, questions he doesn’t want to answer much less think too closely on. Not giving Jared much thought isn’t exactly easy of course, and to be honest he’s a little confused about where he stands with Jared, what he truly wants. He ended things between them, no going back from that now, especially while he’s still so confused… but, well sometimes he has to wonder if… Don’t think about it, he tells himself firmly when all those confusing, consuming thoughts threaten to come back and plague him for the rest of the day.
Instead he decides talking about how he’s coping is the lesser of two evils.
“You’re telling me you haven’t heard me at night?” he asks incredulously. “I know I’ve practically screamed the house down, Chris and Steve told me.”
Mackenzie grins a little sheepishly. “I heard Jen, I just wanted to see if…”
“If I’d admit to them,” Jensen finishes for her, understanding but kind of sad that his sister, the person he’s closest to, doubted he’d be honest with her. Yeah, this is a bad situation, one he’s struggling to deal with, but of everyone Mackenzie is the one person he would go to if he needed someone to talk to, the one person he’d never lie to if asked straight out. “I don’t really know what to tell you Mack, I mean I’m coping the best I can, it’s just… it’s gonna take some time.”
Mackenzie bites her lip, looking up at him from beneath her lashes, indecision in her eyes before she finally opens her mouth. “I know you aren’t gonna like to hear this Jen, but I think you need to see a psychologist,” she holds her hand up when Jensen opens his mouth to protest. “You’re struggling with this, you said so yourself, and while I am always here to listen and help in any way I possibly can, we both know it’s not enough. You need someone to talk to who can help you put this behind you and move on with your life, to help you get your life back, and a psychologist is the best option you have. I know you don’t want professional help but you need it. Please, just promise me you’ll consider it.”
Jensen closes his eyes tightly. He has never been able to deny his sister anything, but this is one thing he’s not sure he can promise. He doesn’t want to see a psychologist, doesn’t want to talk about what happened to him to a complete stranger. How could they possibly help him through this when they have no idea what it’s like to go through something like he did? Everything they know they learned from a text book and a professor. How the hell could they help him through this when they haven’t experienced it themselves?
He will admit he probably needs help though, needs to talk about what happened. He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to a stranger about any of this, doesn’t want to talk about it at all, just wants to forget it ever happened and move on. He’s a realist though, he knows there’s no forgetting. Besides, maybe it’d be better that he talk to a psychologist, he supposes that would be better than burdening his family with it.
Great, now my mind is running in circles, he thinks to himself with a mental eye roll.
“I can’t promise anything Mack but I’ll think about it,” he whispers softly, unable to give her much more than that.
:0Ж0:
“You’ve got all of us really worried about you.”
Jensen looks up when his mom joined him outside. He’d recently taken to spending his time on the back porch. He didn’t like leaving the house, the bruises on his face had yet to fade and being pushed around in the wheelchair made him feel like he was put on display, so he stayed at his parents house, refusing to leave. He’d been yearning for some fresh air though and decided spending hours in the backyard was his best option. It was peaceful back here, no one hardly ever bothered him and he didn’t have to worry about curious stares upon him.
“Why are you worrying about me?” He asks as he turns his head away once more, staring off into the distance with a slight sigh. “I’m fine mom.”
“No you’re not and you know it,” she counters as gently as she could, pulling up a chair next to him. He didn’t turn to look at her but her presence was felt, her penetrating stare made him feel like he was under a microscope. “Why haven’t you called that boy? We all know you miss him.”
Jensen closes his eyes, he’d been waiting for this, just didn’t expect it to come from his mom. “Don’t mom, I can’t okay, I just can’t. He’s better off without me.”
“Don’t you talk like that,” she admonishes him gently, reaching out to lay a hand on his shoulder. “That boy loves you, even I could see that. I don’t know what happened between you two exactly but I know love when I see it Jensen, and you two love each other. Why push him away when you need him the most? He wants to be here for you, wants to be with you, and I know you miss him too. Why not give him a call, tell him you need him? I’m sure he’d be on the first flight out if you did.”
“I’m not ready, not sure when I will be, and that’s not fair to him. We’re in different places now… then again, we always were,” he let out a humorless laugh, shaking his head a little. “He took that step forward and I took two steps back. It’s like we’ve always got something against us, I don’t know, maybe we really aren’t meant to be together.”
“All good relationships are never easy Jensen, in fact most of the time they hurt like hell and it’s a constant fight, but it’s worth it. If you love Jared you shouldn’t push him away, you should let him in. I know you think what you’re doing is in his best interest but you’re scared and that’s the real reason. You need him but you’re afraid you’re not good enough anymore, not strong enough. I don’t believe that’s true though.”
“I don’t know mom.” Jensen let out a sigh, turning his head to look at her. There were so many things he wanted to say but he just couldn’t seem to find the words.
“You and I lost touch with each other but I like to think I still know my son, and my son is strong willed and fights for what he believes in. What you went through was horrible and I can’t begin to imagine what is going through your head, I know you’re a little lost right now but I know you’re still in there, that fire is still there, you just need to find it again.” She grips onto his shoulder a little tighter, leaning forward, making sure he doesn’t break eye contact. “Don’t let those boys get the best of you Jensen, don’t let them win. They wanted to take your life away from you but don’t you let them take it, you fight back and show them that you’re stronger than that; show them they didn’t break you.”
Jensen forces a weak smile onto his face, shaking his head a little. “I’m real messed up right now mom, my head is, and I’m no good for him right now. I do love Jared but I need to work through the issues in my head before I can be what he needs. If he moves on than I wish him the best but I can’t be with him right now. I need to focus on me, I…” Jensen trails off, voice slightly choked from emotion. “I need to see professional help.” He admits even though it’s a hard thing to admit. “I need help getting my life in order.”
His mom’s expression softens, a teary smile appearing on her face. “I’m glad you’ve come to that decision. There’s no shame in seeking help Jensen, and I’m proud of you.” She kisses his forehead, that teary smile still on her face. “Things will get better, don’t lose faith.”
Jensen sighs heavily, shutting his eyes for a moment before opening them to stare off into the distance once more. “I hope you’re right… I just hope Jared will understand.” I love him enough to let him go, he tells himself in silence, hoping they can get back what’s been lost but knowing it is more than possible they may not.
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