So... Yeah...
Were in LOGAN, UTAH! I started a more positive blog at: http://tandtweldon.blogspot.com/ it is mostly for the family.I don't want to put anything negative in it. However, I still need a place to vent so I will still come here.
We have been here since March 11th. It kinda all started with Travis saying 2 weeks before that date "What if we just sold the car and moved?"... So, I started to panic but then really thought about it. We already went to the temple the first time and I was able to baptisms for the dead for most of my family including my Father and grandparents.
The decision mainly came down to money. We could stay in Florida and maybe leave with $2,000 and drive 40 hours (Without stopping) to Logan or we could sell the car and go. No one wanted us around, it was obvious. We didn't belong there our time was done. No one cared when we decided to tell them good bye. Probably church people the most cared, and they cared more than family did.
So I called Utah State University and told them our situation. We were pretty much homeless while living in that barn, and the day we moved out our toilet broke. So another sign. They told me that they had the apartment we put a deposit available by March 11th, but I had to be here that day or else i would lose the apartment for good. We said yes to it before we even sold our car. Selling the car was tough, but eventually we took the $7,000 we got and left. Although, the car was worth $12,000.
Our goodbyes were short, and both families acted like it was an inconvience to them to spend our last day with us. Trav's Dad gave Travis a handshake goodbye, and soon as his Brother arrived at the dinner it was all about him. We left early because they stopped talking to us. My Mother made the day all about her as she wanted to go her stroke class which is the same thing every month. Then she wanted us to come pick her up then Carol (my cousin) and take them out and do errands for her. We didn't get lunch til 2pm and we had to have dinner at 5pm. So that was quite annoying.
I was going strong we both were that last week there. It was all about "Fuck you" Florida. Because we couldn't' stand anything. Once we got to the airport that is when I broke down. Not because of missing anything or anyone that much. It was the being scared. The "What if's?" Came into play, I just crumbled. Sasha a friend of mine throughout the years was able to put me together, but maybe I did put too much hope in a state? She was the last person I saw from Florida. I always thought for years my "goodbye" would be something bigger, but it was lonely and that was depressing.
So now were here... Here... We love our apartment, and the weather is nice. However, I still don't think the realization has hit us. We feel lonely here as well. The mormons, well there is a lot of them. Not that we hung out with mormons in Florida, but we thought we would make friends easier here. Pretty much the only way you can have anything in common with them is if you read books and have kids. I am infertile, and will never have kids. This makes it harder as I see Travis laugh at babies or the other night at a dance he played with the kids. Although it was supposed to be "date night" for us, I felt single and lonely. He looked happy though and i guess that is all that matter.
*Sighs* I love the guy, but I need him to lead us as a family. He really doesn't, and that worries me. We made vows to each other before we left and one of his was to do better with the Priesthood. I have asked several times for a blessing and I can't get one. He doesn't seem to care to touch the church stuff, and doesn't seem like he wants to be into the church. I am tried of raising him up and bringing up church things, but I know if one things makes me feel better it's spiritual and church things. With him not leading things I see myself crumbling. It's one of the reasons why we moved to Utah was to get better spiritually and get married in the temple.
I know we can't relate to any mormons here, yet... But come on... I just want it in my home. I just want a leader. Of course not having a home teacher, or visiting teacher or having our records in the correct church doesn't help either. *Sighs* I just hope we can make it. We have enough money left to pay for next month's rent and then that is it. No jobs or anything, and I am not sure how to get them. I need help and all I want to do is cry. I haven't had a job in 4 years, what am I supposed to put on a resume then?
Then when it comes to school. What am I supposed to do? I feel so stupid here, and not smart enough to achieve anything. Everyone has grown up in the church, had the perfect family, been financially stable, and have gone to really good schools.
I don't know what the positive of being here will be. I have no idea even what to do any more. I have given up because I feel like everyone has given up on me. I don't have anything to prove to the world.
*Sighs*
We have been here since March 11th. It kinda all started with Travis saying 2 weeks before that date "What if we just sold the car and moved?"... So, I started to panic but then really thought about it. We already went to the temple the first time and I was able to baptisms for the dead for most of my family including my Father and grandparents.
The decision mainly came down to money. We could stay in Florida and maybe leave with $2,000 and drive 40 hours (Without stopping) to Logan or we could sell the car and go. No one wanted us around, it was obvious. We didn't belong there our time was done. No one cared when we decided to tell them good bye. Probably church people the most cared, and they cared more than family did.
So I called Utah State University and told them our situation. We were pretty much homeless while living in that barn, and the day we moved out our toilet broke. So another sign. They told me that they had the apartment we put a deposit available by March 11th, but I had to be here that day or else i would lose the apartment for good. We said yes to it before we even sold our car. Selling the car was tough, but eventually we took the $7,000 we got and left. Although, the car was worth $12,000.
Our goodbyes were short, and both families acted like it was an inconvience to them to spend our last day with us. Trav's Dad gave Travis a handshake goodbye, and soon as his Brother arrived at the dinner it was all about him. We left early because they stopped talking to us. My Mother made the day all about her as she wanted to go her stroke class which is the same thing every month. Then she wanted us to come pick her up then Carol (my cousin) and take them out and do errands for her. We didn't get lunch til 2pm and we had to have dinner at 5pm. So that was quite annoying.
I was going strong we both were that last week there. It was all about "Fuck you" Florida. Because we couldn't' stand anything. Once we got to the airport that is when I broke down. Not because of missing anything or anyone that much. It was the being scared. The "What if's?" Came into play, I just crumbled. Sasha a friend of mine throughout the years was able to put me together, but maybe I did put too much hope in a state? She was the last person I saw from Florida. I always thought for years my "goodbye" would be something bigger, but it was lonely and that was depressing.
So now were here... Here... We love our apartment, and the weather is nice. However, I still don't think the realization has hit us. We feel lonely here as well. The mormons, well there is a lot of them. Not that we hung out with mormons in Florida, but we thought we would make friends easier here. Pretty much the only way you can have anything in common with them is if you read books and have kids. I am infertile, and will never have kids. This makes it harder as I see Travis laugh at babies or the other night at a dance he played with the kids. Although it was supposed to be "date night" for us, I felt single and lonely. He looked happy though and i guess that is all that matter.
*Sighs* I love the guy, but I need him to lead us as a family. He really doesn't, and that worries me. We made vows to each other before we left and one of his was to do better with the Priesthood. I have asked several times for a blessing and I can't get one. He doesn't seem to care to touch the church stuff, and doesn't seem like he wants to be into the church. I am tried of raising him up and bringing up church things, but I know if one things makes me feel better it's spiritual and church things. With him not leading things I see myself crumbling. It's one of the reasons why we moved to Utah was to get better spiritually and get married in the temple.
I know we can't relate to any mormons here, yet... But come on... I just want it in my home. I just want a leader. Of course not having a home teacher, or visiting teacher or having our records in the correct church doesn't help either. *Sighs* I just hope we can make it. We have enough money left to pay for next month's rent and then that is it. No jobs or anything, and I am not sure how to get them. I need help and all I want to do is cry. I haven't had a job in 4 years, what am I supposed to put on a resume then?
Then when it comes to school. What am I supposed to do? I feel so stupid here, and not smart enough to achieve anything. Everyone has grown up in the church, had the perfect family, been financially stable, and have gone to really good schools.
I don't know what the positive of being here will be. I have no idea even what to do any more. I have given up because I feel like everyone has given up on me. I don't have anything to prove to the world.
*Sighs*