When a man loves a woman
So I saw Jase tonight. He came over, and we talked. It was good to see that he's getting better with each time I see him. He's made peace with Chelsea, which is a good thing. David still doesn't want to be friends with him, nor does Ben.
But all is good.
He kept telling me tonight he was sorry for putting me through the hell he put me through when he took off to the States. I told him he didn't need to apologise because every once in a while we all go off the deep end and do things that we regret.
It was good to see Jase back to normal, or as normal as he can be considering what happened during his stint in the States.
I don't think he'll be welcome back there anytime soon, and it sounds like he has no plans to go back too.
It's just amazing at how he has changed, or more so it's almost as if he hasn't changed, or go through the transition that he went through.
He told me he will never forget the things he did to the people closest to him, but he has to move on and accept that some people won't forget and some people will because they are the ones who truly love him.
He then told me he still loves me. He never stopped loving me, and will never stop loving me.
What the hell is it with me and ex boyfriends deciding they still love me? Am I their security blanket or something?
I don't think he still loves me, just as I don't believe that Ben still loves me. I'm just someone secure that they can look back to, and cling to.
I told him that.
And he found that funny. He disputed it, and said it wasn't that at all.
He loved me because I accepted him for his faults, and even after all this time and everything that has happened I'm standing by his side.
That's a different kind of love. That's the love of a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. He'll come to realise that.
I didn't know what to say except to tell him that I love him. He is one of my best friends, but we both have to accept that we are the past, we will never happen again and it's time to spank those thoughts and put them to bed.
Actually it's all good.
He told me his confession of love wasn't supposed to make me leave S, or even contemplate it. He just wanted to tell me.
It was the main reason he came down to see me tonight.
Gee, lucky me.
He has accepted I will never love him like that again. He actually told me I have a good thing with the boyfriend, and S would be crazy to let me go. He then told me I would be crazy to even contemplate walking away from this relationship. Apparently it's changed me. I'm calmer, less wild and I look content.
When he told me that I almost jokingly asked him if he was still on drugs.
It was so weird, but we actually talked about my relationship. I told him my fears, and asked him if I was the same with him.
He didn't think so. But then we never really broached commitment. He asked me to marry him once and I turned him down. He never asked again.
Ha! Unlike S he learnt his lesson the first time around.
He just thinks that S is getting to me, and I don't like anyone getting close.
He told me I put up walls around myself not just with partners but with friends, and I need to stop and realise that not everyone will hurt me. I'm not in high school anymore. I'm not the same girl I was then.
He thinks it all comes from high school and the way I was treated by so-called friends, and that led me with the inability to truly trust friends.
I guess he's right.
It's nice hearing something different from another person's perspective.
But talking to Jase made me feel all fuzzy and warm. This is the Jase I know and love.
Actually we ended up taking a trip down memory lane, and remembering our good times together.
It's so weird that things were so good for us, and we rarely ever fought but well when we did it wasn't nice. Not as nasty with the current one, but still pretty fiery.
But we both know we have turned a new page in our lives, and we can't turn back the hands of time.
He jokingly said that if I had gone to the States in the first place instead of to G we both wouldn't be standing at the crossroads wondering what the hell we had got ourselves into.
I told him that I worry that I am never going to feel that I am good enough for S, which is how I truly feel deep down inside.
He said the nicest thing to me. That I don't even realise how valuable I am, and that I am the most precious thing in S' life, and I need to realise that.
He told me I need to realise that I am worthy, and told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. That losing me was the stupidest thing he had ever done.
The guy sure knows how to use all the lines doesn't he?
But then he is a musician, and writes the loveliest love songs.
I can't get over how good it was to hang out with him, and talk. Like old times. I told him he can come down and see me anytime he wants to just hang out and talk.
I don't fully trust him completely and I don't know if I ever will, but I still have faith in him and refuse to stop believing in him. I know what a wonderful guy he is. I've seen it, and I experienced his love, and him for over a year and a half.
I have no regrets about loving him. But looking at him tonight made me even sure of my love for my boyfriend.
It's funny how it takes seeing an ex to make you realise how wonderful you have it.
Jase and I still click, but not in that same way that S and I do.
I told Jase that I hadn't told S about seeing him, and he actually told me off.
He told me he knows I don't trust him and he understands that and he knows it will take time for me to trust him again. He also accept that.
He told me to call S, so I did.
Ack! He was pissed! He got angry that I didn't tell him before Jase came over, and ended up coming over.
About ten minutes after he arrived, Jase left. It might have been the daggers that S had been sending his way.
You could have cut a knife with the tension in the air.
I knew he was pissed off, but didn't realise how much until Jase left.
The boyfriend really let it go then.
Yikes!
I haven't seen him that angry in a LONG time.
I was surprised because I was kind of calm as he blew up. Mainly because I realised he was just letting off steam, and it was more so from his worrying about me, and not trusting Jase than my not telling him.
I thought I did very well.
I probably shouldn't have asked him if he was done because it sent him off on another tirade.
Which didn't help because well...I may have mentioned that there are times when I get the giggles at the most inappropriate times.
Tonight was one of them.
I started giggling while he was yelling at me.
That pissed him off even more.
I actually couldn't help myself because he kept walking back and forth around my bedroom, and kind of waving his hands. He looked like the world's biggest reject.
So I giggled.
I honestly tried to keep it in, and respect the reason he was pissed off. But I couldn't and didn't.
He ended up telling me that he didn't know why he bothered and stormed out of the house.
This might sound like a nasty argument but I know S pretty well. When he's really pissed off he doesn't yell. This anger wasn't so much directed as me, as it was towards being worried about me. Different kind of anger, but still he was pissed.
But when he's really, truly angry He talks calmly, rationally and could freeze someone with the tone of his voice.
That's the angry S I don't like. That's the one that can cut me really deep, and knows how to cut.
This one obviously just makes me giggle.
It was even funnier because he left his keys behind, so couldn't drive anywhere. That, and as soon as I saw his keys sitting on my desk I picked them up and hid them just in case he did decide to come back inside, grab them, and drive off in a huff.
We're so childish sometimes.
I don't know what the hell he was doing outside in the god damn cold but he sat outside for about 20 minutes before I decided to look for him.
He was just sitting on the front porch.
He was more upset than I thought, but like I said it wasn't angry upset. It was worried upset.
He told me he can't understand how I can be so nonchalant about what Jase did to Chelsea, me and his family and friends. How I can be so trusting knowing what I know.
I can't explain it to him, or to anyone but when you have loved someone, you have seen them go through a hell that you have gone through yourself where you don't know who you are anymore, or who you believe in, then you can see. You can sit there and tell the person you love, I don't trust him but I believe him. That no matter what he wants, you can't walk away from your ex boyfriend because he needs people in his life to believe in him.
Thats pretty much what I told S.
He asked me if I still loved him.
It made me realise something. I'm not the only one who has fears and vunerabilities where we are concerned.
I told him yes but not in the way he meant.
I love Jase as an ex lover, a best friend, and someone I shared a wonderful experience with. An experience I will never regret nor forget, but he simply is no longer part of my future.
It amazes me how a man who is simply the very breath that I breathe can doubt himself in my eyes. It makes me laugh almost. Almost. Because it made me realise that my fears are his very fears.
We ended up sitting outside for half an hour. I talked and he listened. I actually was getting worried because it didn't feel like I was getting through to him.
That and it was god damn freezing. Sitting outside in bare feet, when it's under 11 degrees for half an hour isn't the smartest thing in the world.
In the end I did the one thing I rarely ever do. I said the three little words I rarely ever say to him.
I love you
I then kind of told him if he was stupid enough not to realise how much I loved him then that wasn't my problem. I was going inside and if he wanted to freeze his ass off outside pouting then he could but I didn't plan on doing the same. But then if he wanted to come inside and have a hot coffee then he could do that too.
He chose coffee, and technically me.
So yeah that was our little spat. We haven't really spoken much about it, or to each other but I know we're fine because he told me that telling him I loved him was playing dirty, and next time I did it could I possibly not insult him in the process.
It kind of made me laugh, which I sure as hell was his plan.
But we're all good.
I know from his joking about the way I tend to tell him I love him through insults and the fact he pulled out one of those amazing kisses of his. He rarely does em, but when he does they leave me completely weak at the knees.
I kind of realised tonight that I need to tell him I love him more because I rarely ever do. Like I said in earlier entries. I am not comfortable using the words lightly, or at all to people. It's not something I am used to. It's not how my family are. At least not face to face. My father tells me he loves me through e-mails but rarely ever to my face.
We were brought up to believe that you don't need to say the words. And because of this I prefer to show someone in things I do, or my actions rather than say them.
I need to change that for him. Tonight has showed me he has the same fears I do. And needs to hear the words rather than an action.
Getting me to say I love you to him usually happens when I am overly emotional, or pretty much like him pulling teeth from me.
Granted I didn't come to that pretty conclusion myself. I'm not that smart when it comes to love apparently.
Before he took himself off to have a shower he told me my telling him tonight I loved him meant a lot to him. He just wished I said it more often.
Damn I feel like a novice in this relationship sometimes...at least where emotions are concerned.
Enough said. I think I need a shower to defrost. And then maybe I'll scare the hell out of him and tell him I love him again.
God I'm nasty.
But all is good.
He kept telling me tonight he was sorry for putting me through the hell he put me through when he took off to the States. I told him he didn't need to apologise because every once in a while we all go off the deep end and do things that we regret.
It was good to see Jase back to normal, or as normal as he can be considering what happened during his stint in the States.
I don't think he'll be welcome back there anytime soon, and it sounds like he has no plans to go back too.
It's just amazing at how he has changed, or more so it's almost as if he hasn't changed, or go through the transition that he went through.
He told me he will never forget the things he did to the people closest to him, but he has to move on and accept that some people won't forget and some people will because they are the ones who truly love him.
He then told me he still loves me. He never stopped loving me, and will never stop loving me.
What the hell is it with me and ex boyfriends deciding they still love me? Am I their security blanket or something?
I don't think he still loves me, just as I don't believe that Ben still loves me. I'm just someone secure that they can look back to, and cling to.
I told him that.
And he found that funny. He disputed it, and said it wasn't that at all.
He loved me because I accepted him for his faults, and even after all this time and everything that has happened I'm standing by his side.
That's a different kind of love. That's the love of a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. He'll come to realise that.
I didn't know what to say except to tell him that I love him. He is one of my best friends, but we both have to accept that we are the past, we will never happen again and it's time to spank those thoughts and put them to bed.
Actually it's all good.
He told me his confession of love wasn't supposed to make me leave S, or even contemplate it. He just wanted to tell me.
It was the main reason he came down to see me tonight.
Gee, lucky me.
He has accepted I will never love him like that again. He actually told me I have a good thing with the boyfriend, and S would be crazy to let me go. He then told me I would be crazy to even contemplate walking away from this relationship. Apparently it's changed me. I'm calmer, less wild and I look content.
When he told me that I almost jokingly asked him if he was still on drugs.
It was so weird, but we actually talked about my relationship. I told him my fears, and asked him if I was the same with him.
He didn't think so. But then we never really broached commitment. He asked me to marry him once and I turned him down. He never asked again.
Ha! Unlike S he learnt his lesson the first time around.
He just thinks that S is getting to me, and I don't like anyone getting close.
He told me I put up walls around myself not just with partners but with friends, and I need to stop and realise that not everyone will hurt me. I'm not in high school anymore. I'm not the same girl I was then.
He thinks it all comes from high school and the way I was treated by so-called friends, and that led me with the inability to truly trust friends.
I guess he's right.
It's nice hearing something different from another person's perspective.
But talking to Jase made me feel all fuzzy and warm. This is the Jase I know and love.
Actually we ended up taking a trip down memory lane, and remembering our good times together.
It's so weird that things were so good for us, and we rarely ever fought but well when we did it wasn't nice. Not as nasty with the current one, but still pretty fiery.
But we both know we have turned a new page in our lives, and we can't turn back the hands of time.
He jokingly said that if I had gone to the States in the first place instead of to G we both wouldn't be standing at the crossroads wondering what the hell we had got ourselves into.
I told him that I worry that I am never going to feel that I am good enough for S, which is how I truly feel deep down inside.
He said the nicest thing to me. That I don't even realise how valuable I am, and that I am the most precious thing in S' life, and I need to realise that.
He told me I need to realise that I am worthy, and told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. That losing me was the stupidest thing he had ever done.
The guy sure knows how to use all the lines doesn't he?
But then he is a musician, and writes the loveliest love songs.
I can't get over how good it was to hang out with him, and talk. Like old times. I told him he can come down and see me anytime he wants to just hang out and talk.
I don't fully trust him completely and I don't know if I ever will, but I still have faith in him and refuse to stop believing in him. I know what a wonderful guy he is. I've seen it, and I experienced his love, and him for over a year and a half.
I have no regrets about loving him. But looking at him tonight made me even sure of my love for my boyfriend.
It's funny how it takes seeing an ex to make you realise how wonderful you have it.
Jase and I still click, but not in that same way that S and I do.
I told Jase that I hadn't told S about seeing him, and he actually told me off.
He told me he knows I don't trust him and he understands that and he knows it will take time for me to trust him again. He also accept that.
He told me to call S, so I did.
Ack! He was pissed! He got angry that I didn't tell him before Jase came over, and ended up coming over.
About ten minutes after he arrived, Jase left. It might have been the daggers that S had been sending his way.
You could have cut a knife with the tension in the air.
I knew he was pissed off, but didn't realise how much until Jase left.
The boyfriend really let it go then.
Yikes!
I haven't seen him that angry in a LONG time.
I was surprised because I was kind of calm as he blew up. Mainly because I realised he was just letting off steam, and it was more so from his worrying about me, and not trusting Jase than my not telling him.
I thought I did very well.
I probably shouldn't have asked him if he was done because it sent him off on another tirade.
Which didn't help because well...I may have mentioned that there are times when I get the giggles at the most inappropriate times.
Tonight was one of them.
I started giggling while he was yelling at me.
That pissed him off even more.
I actually couldn't help myself because he kept walking back and forth around my bedroom, and kind of waving his hands. He looked like the world's biggest reject.
So I giggled.
I honestly tried to keep it in, and respect the reason he was pissed off. But I couldn't and didn't.
He ended up telling me that he didn't know why he bothered and stormed out of the house.
This might sound like a nasty argument but I know S pretty well. When he's really pissed off he doesn't yell. This anger wasn't so much directed as me, as it was towards being worried about me. Different kind of anger, but still he was pissed.
But when he's really, truly angry He talks calmly, rationally and could freeze someone with the tone of his voice.
That's the angry S I don't like. That's the one that can cut me really deep, and knows how to cut.
This one obviously just makes me giggle.
It was even funnier because he left his keys behind, so couldn't drive anywhere. That, and as soon as I saw his keys sitting on my desk I picked them up and hid them just in case he did decide to come back inside, grab them, and drive off in a huff.
We're so childish sometimes.
I don't know what the hell he was doing outside in the god damn cold but he sat outside for about 20 minutes before I decided to look for him.
He was just sitting on the front porch.
He was more upset than I thought, but like I said it wasn't angry upset. It was worried upset.
He told me he can't understand how I can be so nonchalant about what Jase did to Chelsea, me and his family and friends. How I can be so trusting knowing what I know.
I can't explain it to him, or to anyone but when you have loved someone, you have seen them go through a hell that you have gone through yourself where you don't know who you are anymore, or who you believe in, then you can see. You can sit there and tell the person you love, I don't trust him but I believe him. That no matter what he wants, you can't walk away from your ex boyfriend because he needs people in his life to believe in him.
Thats pretty much what I told S.
He asked me if I still loved him.
It made me realise something. I'm not the only one who has fears and vunerabilities where we are concerned.
I told him yes but not in the way he meant.
I love Jase as an ex lover, a best friend, and someone I shared a wonderful experience with. An experience I will never regret nor forget, but he simply is no longer part of my future.
It amazes me how a man who is simply the very breath that I breathe can doubt himself in my eyes. It makes me laugh almost. Almost. Because it made me realise that my fears are his very fears.
We ended up sitting outside for half an hour. I talked and he listened. I actually was getting worried because it didn't feel like I was getting through to him.
That and it was god damn freezing. Sitting outside in bare feet, when it's under 11 degrees for half an hour isn't the smartest thing in the world.
In the end I did the one thing I rarely ever do. I said the three little words I rarely ever say to him.
I love you
I then kind of told him if he was stupid enough not to realise how much I loved him then that wasn't my problem. I was going inside and if he wanted to freeze his ass off outside pouting then he could but I didn't plan on doing the same. But then if he wanted to come inside and have a hot coffee then he could do that too.
He chose coffee, and technically me.
So yeah that was our little spat. We haven't really spoken much about it, or to each other but I know we're fine because he told me that telling him I loved him was playing dirty, and next time I did it could I possibly not insult him in the process.
It kind of made me laugh, which I sure as hell was his plan.
But we're all good.
I know from his joking about the way I tend to tell him I love him through insults and the fact he pulled out one of those amazing kisses of his. He rarely does em, but when he does they leave me completely weak at the knees.
I kind of realised tonight that I need to tell him I love him more because I rarely ever do. Like I said in earlier entries. I am not comfortable using the words lightly, or at all to people. It's not something I am used to. It's not how my family are. At least not face to face. My father tells me he loves me through e-mails but rarely ever to my face.
We were brought up to believe that you don't need to say the words. And because of this I prefer to show someone in things I do, or my actions rather than say them.
I need to change that for him. Tonight has showed me he has the same fears I do. And needs to hear the words rather than an action.
Getting me to say I love you to him usually happens when I am overly emotional, or pretty much like him pulling teeth from me.
Granted I didn't come to that pretty conclusion myself. I'm not that smart when it comes to love apparently.
Before he took himself off to have a shower he told me my telling him tonight I loved him meant a lot to him. He just wished I said it more often.
Damn I feel like a novice in this relationship sometimes...at least where emotions are concerned.
Enough said. I think I need a shower to defrost. And then maybe I'll scare the hell out of him and tell him I love him again.
God I'm nasty.