end of one life, beginning of the next
Am feeling rather blue this morning. While I was off walking the dog last night, David got a call from his dad asking about his sister. Apparently Julie disappeared last night, with the kids. I'm pretty sure the husband called the cops. We got a second phone call later from David's dad, letting us know that Julie is in a safe place, is getting a lawyer, and we shouldn't talk to the husband, David's brother-in-law.
This makes me sad. Julie told us way back in August that she asked for a separation. Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to focus on beating that. She had a double mastectomy and chemo, and spent all these past months dealing with that while also continuing with school. She never spoke about their relationship or situation in all that time, that I'm aware of.
I don't talk to Julie very much. Probably this is my own failing, but I never really made a huge effort to connect with her. We would chat periodically, but mostly I left her and David to be the siblings while I stayed in the background. Which means, ultimately, that I don't know know her very well, and know her husband even less.
Mike seems like an okay guy. We share the "outsider" status, being the in-laws. I don't mean that in a derogatory way; we just don't have the same history and attachment to certain things that direct members of the family have. He and Julie have been married... I'm not sure. I think, if I'm remembering correctly, they got married in February 2005, so only about seven years. Over the course of that time, we've known all has not been well with the couple. Heck, things didn't start OUT completely well with the couple, so it's hard to believe that things would have been hunky dory. I remember Julie once saying wistfully that she wished she was in love like David and I are.
I never got the impression that Mike was on board with Julie's vision for life. Julie wanted to get married and have kids. She wanted to be a mom. Mike had other things he wanted to do, I think, but somehow he ended up agreeing first to getting married, and then to having kids. When we visited in August 2011 and stayed at their house a couple days, it seemed to me that while Mike loves his kids, he wasn't sure how to deal with a rambunctious three-year-old and a spunky one-year-old. More than that, though, Mike just seemed terribly stressed and unhappy the entire time we were there.
Obviously, there could be any number of reasons for him being stressed and unhappy. Julie had at that time just asked for a separation. He was juggling work and finances with a wife in school, two young children, and a fixer-upper house. He was playing host to his father-in-law's birthday gathering, including Dad, Dad's friend Shirley, me, and David. There's no real way for me to know what was going on in that house and life at that time, just that he didn't smile a whole lot and seemed really on edge.
I think what troubles me is learning that Julie felt the need to flee with the kids, and hide from her husband. Is Mike abusive? I honestly don't know. I have a hard time thinking of him that way, but I don't know him all that well. And even if I knew him well, there's no guarantee that I would know ALL about him. And I don't know whether he would become abusive in a certain situation.
If he's not abusive, then why the secrecy and fleeing? It's very not cool to steal away someone's kids, even if they're your own. But I just don't know. All I REALLY know at this point is that this sets the stage for what will almost certainly be a very messy divorce, and that makes me sad. It makes me sad because two people who used to at least like each other a little bit now will be at odds. This isn't just some person on the street; these are two people who have lived and worked together and created two children. So much of that just flies out of the window when overridden by pain and anger and guilt.
And I'm sad for the kids. I don't think that having people stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of kids is necessarily a good thing. I'm not against divorce, per se. But being involved, living in a stressful world while the two parents fight it out rather than proceeding amicably and respectfully, will be troubling and confusing to them. I don't know if there's anything in particular we can do to help from so far away, but perhaps something will come up.
This makes me sad. Julie told us way back in August that she asked for a separation. Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to focus on beating that. She had a double mastectomy and chemo, and spent all these past months dealing with that while also continuing with school. She never spoke about their relationship or situation in all that time, that I'm aware of.
I don't talk to Julie very much. Probably this is my own failing, but I never really made a huge effort to connect with her. We would chat periodically, but mostly I left her and David to be the siblings while I stayed in the background. Which means, ultimately, that I don't know know her very well, and know her husband even less.
Mike seems like an okay guy. We share the "outsider" status, being the in-laws. I don't mean that in a derogatory way; we just don't have the same history and attachment to certain things that direct members of the family have. He and Julie have been married... I'm not sure. I think, if I'm remembering correctly, they got married in February 2005, so only about seven years. Over the course of that time, we've known all has not been well with the couple. Heck, things didn't start OUT completely well with the couple, so it's hard to believe that things would have been hunky dory. I remember Julie once saying wistfully that she wished she was in love like David and I are.
I never got the impression that Mike was on board with Julie's vision for life. Julie wanted to get married and have kids. She wanted to be a mom. Mike had other things he wanted to do, I think, but somehow he ended up agreeing first to getting married, and then to having kids. When we visited in August 2011 and stayed at their house a couple days, it seemed to me that while Mike loves his kids, he wasn't sure how to deal with a rambunctious three-year-old and a spunky one-year-old. More than that, though, Mike just seemed terribly stressed and unhappy the entire time we were there.
Obviously, there could be any number of reasons for him being stressed and unhappy. Julie had at that time just asked for a separation. He was juggling work and finances with a wife in school, two young children, and a fixer-upper house. He was playing host to his father-in-law's birthday gathering, including Dad, Dad's friend Shirley, me, and David. There's no real way for me to know what was going on in that house and life at that time, just that he didn't smile a whole lot and seemed really on edge.
I think what troubles me is learning that Julie felt the need to flee with the kids, and hide from her husband. Is Mike abusive? I honestly don't know. I have a hard time thinking of him that way, but I don't know him all that well. And even if I knew him well, there's no guarantee that I would know ALL about him. And I don't know whether he would become abusive in a certain situation.
If he's not abusive, then why the secrecy and fleeing? It's very not cool to steal away someone's kids, even if they're your own. But I just don't know. All I REALLY know at this point is that this sets the stage for what will almost certainly be a very messy divorce, and that makes me sad. It makes me sad because two people who used to at least like each other a little bit now will be at odds. This isn't just some person on the street; these are two people who have lived and worked together and created two children. So much of that just flies out of the window when overridden by pain and anger and guilt.
And I'm sad for the kids. I don't think that having people stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of kids is necessarily a good thing. I'm not against divorce, per se. But being involved, living in a stressful world while the two parents fight it out rather than proceeding amicably and respectfully, will be troubling and confusing to them. I don't know if there's anything in particular we can do to help from so far away, but perhaps something will come up.