Middle Age Sexcapades
I am a daughter and a niece not your best friend and confidant.
YOU are my MOTHER and while I support your actions of leaving my father and now, a year later, dating again, please please PLEASE stop telling me about all your dates and the men you see. One, its boring, I don't even really like listening to my friends talk about it (well sometimes its good...). Two, what you do behind closed doors with your menfolk is your business. I'm sorry you are feeling insecure in your age and are feeling a little rusty in the sex department but I do NOT need to hear about it. A guy is not a total jerk because he wants to sleep with you after you've been chatting online for a month and then been on a few really great dates. I don't want to hear about how you think you should be in a well established relationship before you have sex. I don't want to hear any of your qualifications or rules that you set for yourself about having sex. I don't want to hear ANYTHING about you having sex! Call Aunt Barbie, this is the kind of shit she gets to hear about, not me. Ew.
YOU are my AUNT! Stop telling me about all your boy toys and friends with benefits. You are going through a really shitty divorce, I understand that but good god, you are almost 40 not 20-something and have a seven year old son you need to take care of. Stop getting babysitters so you can get laid and hang out with him. And DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT! YOU ARE BOTH SCARRING ME FOR LIFE!
These are the things I would say if I had any backbone and wasn't such a doormat.
In other news there's this:
My left eye has been threatening to kill me the last few days so I finally went in to my doctor. I had a cold a month ago or so and it apparently gave me a cold in my eye (because apparently this is possible) and then that cold virus died....in my eye...Then it left its parts/remains/shit/whatever behind IN MY EYE and my body is attacking it as a foreign object. But they can't kill it because its ALREADY DEAD! And apparently these left behind bits are in my cornea so my antibodies are INFILTRATING my cornea. WTF?! Apparently its all part of the battle plan. You know that song "love is a battlefield?” well today the tune is "My eye is a battlefield." Its gonna be a number one hit!
So my options were:
1) Take a laser and burn that shit out of my eye and reshape/or something my cornea which is very expensive but less painful than option...
2) which is to put some drops in my eye that will hurt like a bitch and be expensive and put me out of commission for a WEEK that will also burn the shit off my cornea
OR
3) wear glasses for two months and hopefully it goes away.
I chose door number three
But my glasses are out of wack and way old on the prescription so I have to get new ones if I'm going to wear them full time at work and out and in every day life so that was $140. Luckily dad is helping me out. Except he's being a whiny bitch about it "I'll guess I'll find a way to get the money somehow...*mope mope mope*" Well maybe he should hock the new jewelry he just bought his girlfriend with all the money he's been making on the overtime he's been working. He even missed christmas for work. Stop lying to me!
And this leads us to the other thing on my mind:
This jewelry my father bought for his girlfriend includes earrings, a necklace and....a ring. It doesn't look like an engagement ring. she wears it on her right hand BUT when he gave it to her she asked which finger she should wear it on and he didn't answer. THAT is the only reason its on the right hand. OMG and EW.
If it wasn't all so absurd I'd be pissed and depressed and crying and throwing things (at tianas_knife's studio!) but instead I just have a glass of wine (or whiskey) and laugh and laugh and laugh. And swear a little. And dance a little. And drink a little more. Then I laugh again. I hope you all find it as entertaining as I do.
YOU are my MOTHER and while I support your actions of leaving my father and now, a year later, dating again, please please PLEASE stop telling me about all your dates and the men you see. One, its boring, I don't even really like listening to my friends talk about it (well sometimes its good...). Two, what you do behind closed doors with your menfolk is your business. I'm sorry you are feeling insecure in your age and are feeling a little rusty in the sex department but I do NOT need to hear about it. A guy is not a total jerk because he wants to sleep with you after you've been chatting online for a month and then been on a few really great dates. I don't want to hear about how you think you should be in a well established relationship before you have sex. I don't want to hear any of your qualifications or rules that you set for yourself about having sex. I don't want to hear ANYTHING about you having sex! Call Aunt Barbie, this is the kind of shit she gets to hear about, not me. Ew.
YOU are my AUNT! Stop telling me about all your boy toys and friends with benefits. You are going through a really shitty divorce, I understand that but good god, you are almost 40 not 20-something and have a seven year old son you need to take care of. Stop getting babysitters so you can get laid and hang out with him. And DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT! YOU ARE BOTH SCARRING ME FOR LIFE!
These are the things I would say if I had any backbone and wasn't such a doormat.
In other news there's this:
My left eye has been threatening to kill me the last few days so I finally went in to my doctor. I had a cold a month ago or so and it apparently gave me a cold in my eye (because apparently this is possible) and then that cold virus died....in my eye...Then it left its parts/remains/shit/whatever behind IN MY EYE and my body is attacking it as a foreign object. But they can't kill it because its ALREADY DEAD! And apparently these left behind bits are in my cornea so my antibodies are INFILTRATING my cornea. WTF?! Apparently its all part of the battle plan. You know that song "love is a battlefield?” well today the tune is "My eye is a battlefield." Its gonna be a number one hit!
So my options were:
1) Take a laser and burn that shit out of my eye and reshape/or something my cornea which is very expensive but less painful than option...
2) which is to put some drops in my eye that will hurt like a bitch and be expensive and put me out of commission for a WEEK that will also burn the shit off my cornea
OR
3) wear glasses for two months and hopefully it goes away.
I chose door number three
But my glasses are out of wack and way old on the prescription so I have to get new ones if I'm going to wear them full time at work and out and in every day life so that was $140. Luckily dad is helping me out. Except he's being a whiny bitch about it "I'll guess I'll find a way to get the money somehow...*mope mope mope*" Well maybe he should hock the new jewelry he just bought his girlfriend with all the money he's been making on the overtime he's been working. He even missed christmas for work. Stop lying to me!
And this leads us to the other thing on my mind:
This jewelry my father bought for his girlfriend includes earrings, a necklace and....a ring. It doesn't look like an engagement ring. she wears it on her right hand BUT when he gave it to her she asked which finger she should wear it on and he didn't answer. THAT is the only reason its on the right hand. OMG and EW.
If it wasn't all so absurd I'd be pissed and depressed and crying and throwing things (at tianas_knife's studio!) but instead I just have a glass of wine (or whiskey) and laugh and laugh and laugh. And swear a little. And dance a little. And drink a little more. Then I laugh again. I hope you all find it as entertaining as I do.