General ventring and women talk
As I write this from Brandy's laptop I sit and mull over the state of my life and realize that I am still such a fucking mess. The only consolation is how much better I am now then I was a year ago. but I'm still so far away from where I want to be but I suppose it's all a patch or some bs. I don't know, I guess I'm happy to not be where I was but meh, I'm still so far away I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I also am realizing that while I'm almost certainly not ready for a serious committed relationship, I do want one. Not only do I want a serious relationship, but I know exactly what I want in one. I want a relationship basically exactly like what I have going on with Brandy, we hang out a lot, watch movies and TV series (not live, but on DVD and stolen from the internet). Play wow, cuddle, eat, frequently sleep together and have really great sex. But, we don't spend every waking moment with each other, and there's no pressure to do so. There's only one problem. I'm not in love with her. There's no reason I'm not, she's smart, funny, nice(though she hates being called nice), cute (once again something she hates being called), good with animals and a whole bunch of other things. But no, I don't fall in love. Instead I still get hung up on Cecilia who I still can't get out of my mind, but at least I know that it'd be a horrible idea to contact, and either because of medications or finally learning my lesson I am smart enough not to call.
I hate so much that I can't get Cecilia out of my mind, I know how bad we were for each other, never in my life have I known someone that capable of upsetting me, or someone that I could piss off so fast so often. Maybe thats why I can't get over her, we were so passionate, I think I heard it said once that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I don't hate her though, she was vindictive, short tempered, controlling and violent with me, but I think much of that came from not knowing how to deal with the horrible shitty things I did to her throughout my relationship with her. I keep thinking that maybe...just maybe...if I had been healthier mentally when I met her things would of gone differently. I know I love her, and that she loved me when last we spoke. Despite everything I did to her, and all the ways I sabotaged us she still wanted to be with me last time I talked to her. Actually I think part of the reason I don't try to contact her is I'm afraid to find out that she's moved on and is getting married to some guy while I'm still stuck on her. Fuck me.
In happier news, tonight's Aaron's birthday party which I'm totally looking forward to. I haven't a clue what to get him, thats the downside to being totally fucking broke, hard to buy presents for people. Actually there are a whole bunch of downsides, but I'll go with that one for now. Meh, I think I'm going to go play some world of warcraft and try to cheer myself up with doing the one thing that I feel like I'm any good at anymore.
I also am realizing that while I'm almost certainly not ready for a serious committed relationship, I do want one. Not only do I want a serious relationship, but I know exactly what I want in one. I want a relationship basically exactly like what I have going on with Brandy, we hang out a lot, watch movies and TV series (not live, but on DVD and stolen from the internet). Play wow, cuddle, eat, frequently sleep together and have really great sex. But, we don't spend every waking moment with each other, and there's no pressure to do so. There's only one problem. I'm not in love with her. There's no reason I'm not, she's smart, funny, nice(though she hates being called nice), cute (once again something she hates being called), good with animals and a whole bunch of other things. But no, I don't fall in love. Instead I still get hung up on Cecilia who I still can't get out of my mind, but at least I know that it'd be a horrible idea to contact, and either because of medications or finally learning my lesson I am smart enough not to call.
I hate so much that I can't get Cecilia out of my mind, I know how bad we were for each other, never in my life have I known someone that capable of upsetting me, or someone that I could piss off so fast so often. Maybe thats why I can't get over her, we were so passionate, I think I heard it said once that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I don't hate her though, she was vindictive, short tempered, controlling and violent with me, but I think much of that came from not knowing how to deal with the horrible shitty things I did to her throughout my relationship with her. I keep thinking that maybe...just maybe...if I had been healthier mentally when I met her things would of gone differently. I know I love her, and that she loved me when last we spoke. Despite everything I did to her, and all the ways I sabotaged us she still wanted to be with me last time I talked to her. Actually I think part of the reason I don't try to contact her is I'm afraid to find out that she's moved on and is getting married to some guy while I'm still stuck on her. Fuck me.
In happier news, tonight's Aaron's birthday party which I'm totally looking forward to. I haven't a clue what to get him, thats the downside to being totally fucking broke, hard to buy presents for people. Actually there are a whole bunch of downsides, but I'll go with that one for now. Meh, I think I'm going to go play some world of warcraft and try to cheer myself up with doing the one thing that I feel like I'm any good at anymore.