Rejection and Renewal
So... I've been wondering what kind of person I am and trying to figure myself out from the inside. However, I realized recently that though I know my thoughts and feelings about what I do, it's not the same image in the head of the people around me.
This past Sunday I confessed again. This time to Toshi. For me, it seems like another rejection in life... but when I thought about it, this guy has been my friend for about 1 1/2 years... Right before I met him I confessed to Giichi. After I met him, I confessed to Shinya. And I'm pretty sure he knows about both. Realizing this... I don't even know what the worst part is. He's this serious guy and he doesn't want to get into a relationship unless he believes it's love and it will last and more (overdoing it but still.) In my case, I want the same! But the way I've run around spouting such important words without any feeling in them to others and then come to him... I realized, outside my head--and even inside it--I feel like a schmuck. Worse. I feel like a petty worthless ho. It sucks.
I know I was a bit slow to 'mature' or whatever, but I'm fine with that. I also really want that 'one love, til death do us part, virtuous, true love'!!!! I've been trying to figure it out and find it... or so I told myself.
Lately I just feel like, instead of following my real feelings, I was just following what other people told me. All the better if there was actually some point of attraction. My 'first love' was Paul, when I was almost 22 years old. I know that the problems we had were my fault and I accept it. I also have no problem admitting that, I loved him. Though, it wasn't the right time, or the right kind of love, I did love him as a person and a good friend and confidant.
I might not have ever realized the strength of my feelings though, if it weren't for my real first love, Beilei.
Odd? Maybe. Haha.
Now that you're thinking "I knew it!" I will spoil your fun by explaining that my love for her was and IS completely Platonic. I don't know what love is, but I know what I want from it: a good balance between compassionate love (un-sexualized, friendly or familial love) and passionate love (physical interest and arousal).
I have sorted my feelings for friends and found that the number of people I place highly are few are far between. But you are the ones I love most. However, to give my complete trust, I'm sorry to say, is nearly impossible... and even among my friends, I can count them on my hands.
I realize that, no matter how much I want a significant other I don't think I can be serious unless I can put them on that level of trust. I also realized that the only two guys I was serious about.... and the only 2 out of 5 I confessed to that I was really sad to be put off by were actually at that level. Though I also realize that, because of the type of feeling I had with Paul, I had to force that trust sometimes... I can see it better now.... I've found someone in whom I already formed that trust... before I ever realized how special they are to me.
Me: Would you consider dating with me?
T: *fake surprise* Wha?
Me: ... I know you know what I said. Don't you dare make me repeat it!
T: Ah. Mmmm...... (<--totally did too)
*a minute later*
Me: .... You know, even 'No' is okay.... just say something...
T: Mmmm..... Hmmmm..... Mmmmmm........
*another couple minutes*
Me: *heart racing and mind shutting down from fear and anticipation* Seriously, will you please just say something?
T: M.. then, maybe I'll say that.
Me: ...? What 'that'? You have to say it clearly.
T: Mmm... Then I'll say 'No'.
Me: ..... ok.
T: No, you know... You know about my ex-girlfriend right. So, you know, I can't date a lot of girls... I don't want to. So I don't want to date unless I love someone, but... I haven't had any feelings for anyone since.... I mean, I'm completely over her but... I don't have any feelings for anyone now, so... Probably I will be alone forever. *hurt puppy laughter*
We talked a little more... about our ideas of what love is/may be but... In the end... I think it's a taboo subject now.
Weird part.... the rejection wasn't so bad... I think I could have handled that... it was the explanation. Then it was telling people the explanation. Seriously, when you are 'comforting a friend' and they tell you about what a nice guy he is and that he seriously gave that explanation, that he wants real love! Who the FUCK is going to say, 'he was probably just saying that to be nice.' FUCK YOU!!! Even if he was, what's the problem? The fact that that's what I thought, but actually knowing him, I know that he was serious. But who the hell is going to say that to someone they are 'consoling'??? Do it, I dare you. I will delete you from my life and feel not the least bit of remorse. Because you are an ASS! Pisses me off. YES, Someone did say that, while supposedly consoling me.
In the meantime, it was hearing that he hasn't had any feelings for anyone since and that NO ONE is important to him... THAT hurt. So much for being nice. When he just slammed into my face that he not only doesn't like me, but I'm not really any different than any other girl other than I call him, hang out with him, talk with him, and we might possibly be able to hang out in the future since I plan to come to Japan (which is actually the ONLY factor that qualifies me as a 'real friend' for him.) I don't really understand how that was 'nice', so you don't have to be an ass and rub it in. Seriously.
Was it wrong of me to think, since he confides in me, since he talks to me without the aid of liquor and about subjects other than business, that I actually took the time to get to know him and remembered him when everyone else forgot about him--for the fact that he doesn't really aid conversation or have any other reason to be invited according to them--even before liking him!!! I guess I at least hoped he'd appreciate me for getting to know him... I thought he at least thought a little more of me (just as a friend) since he confided in me and no one else.... it hurt to be told that I was basically nothing. I know that's not what he meant to say.... but I also know that as far as he's concerned, that's how he feels. But don't bash him. He's a good guy. It's just my pride that was hurt from expecting anything. At least now I can be mature enough to not only admit, but accept that.
I love him. He's a great guy. No where near perfect or ideal, but he tries.... when he thinks about it... which of course men usually don't. haha
Anyways... there's the rejection bit... but I'm tired and this is long and it became x-mas... so the renewal will wait until next time.
(To be continued....) *dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun*
This past Sunday I confessed again. This time to Toshi. For me, it seems like another rejection in life... but when I thought about it, this guy has been my friend for about 1 1/2 years... Right before I met him I confessed to Giichi. After I met him, I confessed to Shinya. And I'm pretty sure he knows about both. Realizing this... I don't even know what the worst part is. He's this serious guy and he doesn't want to get into a relationship unless he believes it's love and it will last and more (overdoing it but still.) In my case, I want the same! But the way I've run around spouting such important words without any feeling in them to others and then come to him... I realized, outside my head--and even inside it--I feel like a schmuck. Worse. I feel like a petty worthless ho. It sucks.
I know I was a bit slow to 'mature' or whatever, but I'm fine with that. I also really want that 'one love, til death do us part, virtuous, true love'!!!! I've been trying to figure it out and find it... or so I told myself.
Lately I just feel like, instead of following my real feelings, I was just following what other people told me. All the better if there was actually some point of attraction. My 'first love' was Paul, when I was almost 22 years old. I know that the problems we had were my fault and I accept it. I also have no problem admitting that, I loved him. Though, it wasn't the right time, or the right kind of love, I did love him as a person and a good friend and confidant.
I might not have ever realized the strength of my feelings though, if it weren't for my real first love, Beilei.
Odd? Maybe. Haha.
Now that you're thinking "I knew it!" I will spoil your fun by explaining that my love for her was and IS completely Platonic. I don't know what love is, but I know what I want from it: a good balance between compassionate love (un-sexualized, friendly or familial love) and passionate love (physical interest and arousal).
I have sorted my feelings for friends and found that the number of people I place highly are few are far between. But you are the ones I love most. However, to give my complete trust, I'm sorry to say, is nearly impossible... and even among my friends, I can count them on my hands.
I realize that, no matter how much I want a significant other I don't think I can be serious unless I can put them on that level of trust. I also realized that the only two guys I was serious about.... and the only 2 out of 5 I confessed to that I was really sad to be put off by were actually at that level. Though I also realize that, because of the type of feeling I had with Paul, I had to force that trust sometimes... I can see it better now.... I've found someone in whom I already formed that trust... before I ever realized how special they are to me.
Me: Would you consider dating with me?
T: *fake surprise* Wha?
Me: ... I know you know what I said. Don't you dare make me repeat it!
T: Ah. Mmmm...... (<--totally did too)
*a minute later*
Me: .... You know, even 'No' is okay.... just say something...
T: Mmmm..... Hmmmm..... Mmmmmm........
*another couple minutes*
Me: *heart racing and mind shutting down from fear and anticipation* Seriously, will you please just say something?
T: M.. then, maybe I'll say that.
Me: ...? What 'that'? You have to say it clearly.
T: Mmm... Then I'll say 'No'.
Me: ..... ok.
T: No, you know... You know about my ex-girlfriend right. So, you know, I can't date a lot of girls... I don't want to. So I don't want to date unless I love someone, but... I haven't had any feelings for anyone since.... I mean, I'm completely over her but... I don't have any feelings for anyone now, so... Probably I will be alone forever. *hurt puppy laughter*
We talked a little more... about our ideas of what love is/may be but... In the end... I think it's a taboo subject now.
Weird part.... the rejection wasn't so bad... I think I could have handled that... it was the explanation. Then it was telling people the explanation. Seriously, when you are 'comforting a friend' and they tell you about what a nice guy he is and that he seriously gave that explanation, that he wants real love! Who the FUCK is going to say, 'he was probably just saying that to be nice.' FUCK YOU!!! Even if he was, what's the problem? The fact that that's what I thought, but actually knowing him, I know that he was serious. But who the hell is going to say that to someone they are 'consoling'??? Do it, I dare you. I will delete you from my life and feel not the least bit of remorse. Because you are an ASS! Pisses me off. YES, Someone did say that, while supposedly consoling me.
In the meantime, it was hearing that he hasn't had any feelings for anyone since and that NO ONE is important to him... THAT hurt. So much for being nice. When he just slammed into my face that he not only doesn't like me, but I'm not really any different than any other girl other than I call him, hang out with him, talk with him, and we might possibly be able to hang out in the future since I plan to come to Japan (which is actually the ONLY factor that qualifies me as a 'real friend' for him.) I don't really understand how that was 'nice', so you don't have to be an ass and rub it in. Seriously.
Was it wrong of me to think, since he confides in me, since he talks to me without the aid of liquor and about subjects other than business, that I actually took the time to get to know him and remembered him when everyone else forgot about him--for the fact that he doesn't really aid conversation or have any other reason to be invited according to them--even before liking him!!! I guess I at least hoped he'd appreciate me for getting to know him... I thought he at least thought a little more of me (just as a friend) since he confided in me and no one else.... it hurt to be told that I was basically nothing. I know that's not what he meant to say.... but I also know that as far as he's concerned, that's how he feels. But don't bash him. He's a good guy. It's just my pride that was hurt from expecting anything. At least now I can be mature enough to not only admit, but accept that.
I love him. He's a great guy. No where near perfect or ideal, but he tries.... when he thinks about it... which of course men usually don't. haha
Anyways... there's the rejection bit... but I'm tired and this is long and it became x-mas... so the renewal will wait until next time.
(To be continued....) *dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun*