Half
So... to get away from depressing journal entries, I'm posting some of the stuff that I was writing for my portfolio. As far as I can remember, this particular piece has not been edited since last year. Feel free to pick holes in it. Tell me you loved it, hated it, that it was written well or crappy.
Six vampires were holding onto Zoe tightly so that she wouldn’t get away, and Zoe couldn’t control the escaping of a small sob from the back of her throat. She was finally caught. The victorious crowd of vampires dragged her in front of their Lord.
“What are you doing you idiots?” He hissed icily. “Don’t you see how strong she is? Get her to the castle immediately and string her up.” Zoe looked back at the tall, dark and incredibly pale vampire as she was hauled away. She couldn’t help being intrigued by this new enemy and she wondered who he was in the middle of her chaotic thoughts of distress at being captured.
“You… girl. You have the stench of Blake Cain all over you. There’s no denying who made you.” The vampire Lord spoke in an icy voice, but it had an alluring smoothness to it that drew Zoe’s attention to him as soon as he spoke. Zoe was chained up above his head on the stone wall over an empty fireplace in a large, bare room. She had an excellent view of his sleek black hair as he made his way over to her wall. He wore a flowing crimson robe on top of his bland black and white clothes and was very striking in the grey room. He looked up at her with dark maroon eyes unlike anything Zoe had ever seen before and he stared at her, as if waiting for her to deny her maker.
“Cain is dead. Why does it matter that he made me?” Zoe asked as harshly as she could. She then closed her eyes to try to get rid of the daze that he had put her in just by staring into her eyes. The vampire beneath her began to pace.
“Oh, but it does.” He crooned. “There’s only one reason that a vampire Cain made would be in these parts. He must have-” He suddenly stopped both pacing and talking and looked back up into her eyes once more. He seemed shocked. “No!” He exclaimed softly. “Cain would never have… he would never have wanted…” He trailed off and let the words hang in the air. Understanding passed between the two instantly and the room stayed silent. After a few minutes, he broke his gaze away and started to pace again. “What is so special about you, anyway?”
“Uh, before I answer any of your questions, I think we should talk. We got off on kind of the wrong foot here. I’m Zoe, and you are…?” He looked up at her once more and smiled eerily.
“You have really been in the dark. Cain must have died before he taught you anything. I am Lord Seth. This is my dominion that you have unwittingly wandered into and now you have to pay the penalty. Cain is my enemy and everyone he made inherits that status as well.”
“I thought we had just established that Cain didn’t actually-”
“The part of you that is a vampire was made by Cain!” Seth roared.
“I HATE CAIN. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?” Zoe shrieked back at him. “He made me into… into… this, and so I KILLED HIM. IT WAS ME!” Zoe took some deep breaths even though there was no need for her to get air into her lungs and she glared angrily at Seth. Seth looked interested at this twist and sprung up on to the ledge over the fireplace so that he was standing beside Zoe. He stared into her eyes, only centimetres from her face and spoke sweetly.
“You, my dear, have a great destiny.”
“What?” Zoe was confused at the turn of events. “Destiny?” She scoffed. “There’s no such thing. I can do whatever I want to do.”
“That’s not strictly true.” Seth lectured, moving his face away from hers slightly. “I’ve been around for a long, long time and in that time, I have figured out some of the mysteries of life. There is such a thing as destiny, but not in the way you’re thinking about it. You have to understand that your destiny is not something given to you by a higher power from the time you were born. Your destiny is something that someone will make you do by any manipulative means necessary - something that someone will control your steps to help you achieve. Your destiny… the one that Cain gave you is no doubt that he made you to finally defeat me. He made you to be his right hand… ah… woman. I can tell that he was searching for you for quite a while.” Seth gave a knowing smile and said nothing else, leaving Zoe to become impatient.
“Cain’s dead.” She repeated irritably. “So what do you mean by my destiny?”
“Girl. You are the winning piece to the one who gets to you first.” Seth slid his fangs out to grin at her. “And even though Cain got you first, you don’t belong to Cain any more.” He moved his mouth closer to her neck and Zoe squirmed uncomfortably up on the wall. The chains rattled and Seth seemed to be knocked out of whatever daze he was in. “I’d let you down.” He stated, hopping down from the ledge and back onto the floor. “But you would just kill some more of my vampires.”
“What if I promise not to?” Zoe pleaded. Seth closed his eyes as he answered.
“You should know, Zoe, that I am a very old vampire. I have some tricks to protect myself in my own castle. So if you swear an oath, then that has to be upheld whenever you’re in this castle until you are released from that. So, go on, swear you won’t hurt any of my guards.”
“I’m not stupid; I’ll only swear that I won’t fight them so long as they have no intent to hurt me.”
“Okay. I accept.” Seth clapped his hands together and walked out of the room, his robe trailing majestically behind him. All Zoe could do was stare as he disappeared through a doorway, and some of his vampire servants walked in with keys to release her from her chains. They weren’t very gentle, and when Zoe was free, she fell straight down to the floor. She stayed on her hands and knees, staring at the dust until she saw Seth’s crimson robe and his feet next to her. She looked up at him.
“If you want to win me over to your side, then why don’t you just finish the job that Cain started? Make me a whole vampire, and I’ll be forced to join you.”
“Doll, where would the fun be in that? You’re more powerful now than you would be as a complete vampire. You have no weaknesses. Why do you think Cain did this in the first place?”
“He doesn’t usually-”
“You are the only one that Cain had ever done this to.” Seth held out a hand to help Zoe to her feet. “After all, that is the way that he was made, and he can’t have all of his followers being as powerful as he is.”
“Oh.” Zoe accepted his hand and Seth pulled her close to him.
“Besides; if I turned you, I couldn’t be intrigued by your strange soul, could I?”
Alright, so I lied a little. My story has now been edited somewhat. I found three really obvious typos when I re-read it
Six vampires were holding onto Zoe tightly so that she wouldn’t get away, and Zoe couldn’t control the escaping of a small sob from the back of her throat. She was finally caught. The victorious crowd of vampires dragged her in front of their Lord.
“What are you doing you idiots?” He hissed icily. “Don’t you see how strong she is? Get her to the castle immediately and string her up.” Zoe looked back at the tall, dark and incredibly pale vampire as she was hauled away. She couldn’t help being intrigued by this new enemy and she wondered who he was in the middle of her chaotic thoughts of distress at being captured.
“You… girl. You have the stench of Blake Cain all over you. There’s no denying who made you.” The vampire Lord spoke in an icy voice, but it had an alluring smoothness to it that drew Zoe’s attention to him as soon as he spoke. Zoe was chained up above his head on the stone wall over an empty fireplace in a large, bare room. She had an excellent view of his sleek black hair as he made his way over to her wall. He wore a flowing crimson robe on top of his bland black and white clothes and was very striking in the grey room. He looked up at her with dark maroon eyes unlike anything Zoe had ever seen before and he stared at her, as if waiting for her to deny her maker.
“Cain is dead. Why does it matter that he made me?” Zoe asked as harshly as she could. She then closed her eyes to try to get rid of the daze that he had put her in just by staring into her eyes. The vampire beneath her began to pace.
“Oh, but it does.” He crooned. “There’s only one reason that a vampire Cain made would be in these parts. He must have-” He suddenly stopped both pacing and talking and looked back up into her eyes once more. He seemed shocked. “No!” He exclaimed softly. “Cain would never have… he would never have wanted…” He trailed off and let the words hang in the air. Understanding passed between the two instantly and the room stayed silent. After a few minutes, he broke his gaze away and started to pace again. “What is so special about you, anyway?”
“Uh, before I answer any of your questions, I think we should talk. We got off on kind of the wrong foot here. I’m Zoe, and you are…?” He looked up at her once more and smiled eerily.
“You have really been in the dark. Cain must have died before he taught you anything. I am Lord Seth. This is my dominion that you have unwittingly wandered into and now you have to pay the penalty. Cain is my enemy and everyone he made inherits that status as well.”
“I thought we had just established that Cain didn’t actually-”
“The part of you that is a vampire was made by Cain!” Seth roared.
“I HATE CAIN. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?” Zoe shrieked back at him. “He made me into… into… this, and so I KILLED HIM. IT WAS ME!” Zoe took some deep breaths even though there was no need for her to get air into her lungs and she glared angrily at Seth. Seth looked interested at this twist and sprung up on to the ledge over the fireplace so that he was standing beside Zoe. He stared into her eyes, only centimetres from her face and spoke sweetly.
“You, my dear, have a great destiny.”
“What?” Zoe was confused at the turn of events. “Destiny?” She scoffed. “There’s no such thing. I can do whatever I want to do.”
“That’s not strictly true.” Seth lectured, moving his face away from hers slightly. “I’ve been around for a long, long time and in that time, I have figured out some of the mysteries of life. There is such a thing as destiny, but not in the way you’re thinking about it. You have to understand that your destiny is not something given to you by a higher power from the time you were born. Your destiny is something that someone will make you do by any manipulative means necessary - something that someone will control your steps to help you achieve. Your destiny… the one that Cain gave you is no doubt that he made you to finally defeat me. He made you to be his right hand… ah… woman. I can tell that he was searching for you for quite a while.” Seth gave a knowing smile and said nothing else, leaving Zoe to become impatient.
“Cain’s dead.” She repeated irritably. “So what do you mean by my destiny?”
“Girl. You are the winning piece to the one who gets to you first.” Seth slid his fangs out to grin at her. “And even though Cain got you first, you don’t belong to Cain any more.” He moved his mouth closer to her neck and Zoe squirmed uncomfortably up on the wall. The chains rattled and Seth seemed to be knocked out of whatever daze he was in. “I’d let you down.” He stated, hopping down from the ledge and back onto the floor. “But you would just kill some more of my vampires.”
“What if I promise not to?” Zoe pleaded. Seth closed his eyes as he answered.
“You should know, Zoe, that I am a very old vampire. I have some tricks to protect myself in my own castle. So if you swear an oath, then that has to be upheld whenever you’re in this castle until you are released from that. So, go on, swear you won’t hurt any of my guards.”
“I’m not stupid; I’ll only swear that I won’t fight them so long as they have no intent to hurt me.”
“Okay. I accept.” Seth clapped his hands together and walked out of the room, his robe trailing majestically behind him. All Zoe could do was stare as he disappeared through a doorway, and some of his vampire servants walked in with keys to release her from her chains. They weren’t very gentle, and when Zoe was free, she fell straight down to the floor. She stayed on her hands and knees, staring at the dust until she saw Seth’s crimson robe and his feet next to her. She looked up at him.
“If you want to win me over to your side, then why don’t you just finish the job that Cain started? Make me a whole vampire, and I’ll be forced to join you.”
“Doll, where would the fun be in that? You’re more powerful now than you would be as a complete vampire. You have no weaknesses. Why do you think Cain did this in the first place?”
“He doesn’t usually-”
“You are the only one that Cain had ever done this to.” Seth held out a hand to help Zoe to her feet. “After all, that is the way that he was made, and he can’t have all of his followers being as powerful as he is.”
“Oh.” Zoe accepted his hand and Seth pulled her close to him.
“Besides; if I turned you, I couldn’t be intrigued by your strange soul, could I?”
Alright, so I lied a little. My story has now been edited somewhat. I found three really obvious typos when I re-read it