Previous entry deleted by me, so that I could
..create a journal specifically for posts of this nature. The following is my initial post and it has been *x-posted*
I decided to create a seperate journal for these entries for obvious reasons.
I'm 30 and married almost 6 years. This is my second marriage. I'm not cheating,
It might be helpful for a small recap: I married the first time at 20 to my high school best friend. 6 months into our marriage I started having crushes on other people. I never fully acted on any of them, but I did kiss a guy or two and a girl or two along the way, no intercourse, however. I knew I didn't love him the way he loved me and so the marriage was doomed from the get-go. I needed an escape and a great guy, he was both, end of story. We divorced 3 years later and are both re-married and still friends.
Current situation: my current husband (whom I fell in love with during my first marriage, but never acted on until we were seperated) and I are having problems, big time. We've had problems from the get go. I am not without fault, obviously, but my husband has serious anger and emotional issues. He knows this, I know this. He admits that our problems are primarily him and he readily apologizes and owns up. He's gotten help a couple of times and was on Paxil for a year but he's been going 6 months now with no therapy or meds. I won't go into full details of our problems, because that's not what this community is for (DUH..lol), but it plays into this situation because over the years, despite how much I love him and despite how much I want this marriage to work, I have been hurt and let down and just ripped apart so many times that I am finding myself craving someone else, both for emotional and sexual reasons. When I married him, the idea of cheating was at the other end of the spectrum. I knew it wouldn't be possible b/c I was so deeply in love and there'd be no way in hell I could hurt him. And I still don't want to hurt him. But obviously, my being hurt time and time again has changed my views on cheating. I love him, but I resent him for all he's put me and our children through (we have 2, although my daughter is from my 1st marriage). I'm not sure whether our marriage is doomed or not (he says he doesn't want to give up), although going into the realm of cheating would certainly lead one to assume so.
Thing is I recently met a man via lj who lives in my hometown. We've been spending a great deal of time e-ing each other and slowly things have gone to the naughtier side. It's to the point to where we're actively talking about being "friends with benefits" and doing heavily explicit flirtation. And part of me wants it sooo bad. But in my gut, if my husband were doing this, I would flip the fuck out. Then I try to justify myself by saying, "BUT, I haven't been the one damaging the marriage. I haven't pushed him away. I haven't hurt him or let him down or made false problems", so it's very different than if he were cheating. I'm not saying it's his fault (we are responsible for our own thoughts/actions, I know), but it can't be denied that his emotional pushing has had some effect on my current views. So this guy I've met, he's super intelligent and funny, which is what first captured me. Then I saw photos and he's not a bad looking guy. We're both in situations to where there'd be no chance of us trying to form a long term thing and I don't want that at this point. But the thought of meeting him for the sex and friendship has me so consumed with fantasies that it's unbelievable. Fantasies are okay, I know. But I'm to the point to where I'm deleting emails so my husband doesn't find them. (RED FLAG: Obviously I know what I'm doing is wrong) It feels all so sneaky and wrong and yet at the same, so very good. I know you don't fix your marriage problems by going outside the marriage, so why then have I allowed myself to become so close to jumping to that other side? I know it's the hurt and frustration, of course. But beyond that, I just want some raunchy good sex. Our sex life is decent, but not great. We have sex maybe 4x a month and that's because of him, not me. I'm far more sexual than he is and in many respects my needs aren't being met, and yes, I've shared this with him. He's very quick in bed and I'm almost always left hanging. Foreplay died out of our marriage 3 years ago. He's not into anything beyond the normal sex routine and yes, I'm bored.
I was honest with him to a degree and told him that I feared having an affair because my emotional needs aren't being met. When I told him, his head dropped and I could see the fear/hurt/anger/ in his eyes, but he said nothing.
I'm not sure I have a question about this and I'm certainly not looking for permission, though it'd be a nice bonus!
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel stuck.
I don't know whether to put and an end to any possibility or just roll with it. Part of me is disgusted with myself for even thinking of it, let alone doing all the dirty talk I've been doing with this other man, but another part of me feels totally justified. If the situation presented itself (and of course, it'd be premeditated) I don't think I'd have the willpower to say "no".
Hmm, that wasn't so brief, now was it?? lol
I decided to create a seperate journal for these entries for obvious reasons.
I'm 30 and married almost 6 years. This is my second marriage. I'm not cheating,
It might be helpful for a small recap: I married the first time at 20 to my high school best friend. 6 months into our marriage I started having crushes on other people. I never fully acted on any of them, but I did kiss a guy or two and a girl or two along the way, no intercourse, however. I knew I didn't love him the way he loved me and so the marriage was doomed from the get-go. I needed an escape and a great guy, he was both, end of story. We divorced 3 years later and are both re-married and still friends.
Current situation: my current husband (whom I fell in love with during my first marriage, but never acted on until we were seperated) and I are having problems, big time. We've had problems from the get go. I am not without fault, obviously, but my husband has serious anger and emotional issues. He knows this, I know this. He admits that our problems are primarily him and he readily apologizes and owns up. He's gotten help a couple of times and was on Paxil for a year but he's been going 6 months now with no therapy or meds. I won't go into full details of our problems, because that's not what this community is for (DUH..lol), but it plays into this situation because over the years, despite how much I love him and despite how much I want this marriage to work, I have been hurt and let down and just ripped apart so many times that I am finding myself craving someone else, both for emotional and sexual reasons. When I married him, the idea of cheating was at the other end of the spectrum. I knew it wouldn't be possible b/c I was so deeply in love and there'd be no way in hell I could hurt him. And I still don't want to hurt him. But obviously, my being hurt time and time again has changed my views on cheating. I love him, but I resent him for all he's put me and our children through (we have 2, although my daughter is from my 1st marriage). I'm not sure whether our marriage is doomed or not (he says he doesn't want to give up), although going into the realm of cheating would certainly lead one to assume so.
Thing is I recently met a man via lj who lives in my hometown. We've been spending a great deal of time e-ing each other and slowly things have gone to the naughtier side. It's to the point to where we're actively talking about being "friends with benefits" and doing heavily explicit flirtation. And part of me wants it sooo bad. But in my gut, if my husband were doing this, I would flip the fuck out. Then I try to justify myself by saying, "BUT, I haven't been the one damaging the marriage. I haven't pushed him away. I haven't hurt him or let him down or made false problems", so it's very different than if he were cheating. I'm not saying it's his fault (we are responsible for our own thoughts/actions, I know), but it can't be denied that his emotional pushing has had some effect on my current views. So this guy I've met, he's super intelligent and funny, which is what first captured me. Then I saw photos and he's not a bad looking guy. We're both in situations to where there'd be no chance of us trying to form a long term thing and I don't want that at this point. But the thought of meeting him for the sex and friendship has me so consumed with fantasies that it's unbelievable. Fantasies are okay, I know. But I'm to the point to where I'm deleting emails so my husband doesn't find them. (RED FLAG: Obviously I know what I'm doing is wrong) It feels all so sneaky and wrong and yet at the same, so very good. I know you don't fix your marriage problems by going outside the marriage, so why then have I allowed myself to become so close to jumping to that other side? I know it's the hurt and frustration, of course. But beyond that, I just want some raunchy good sex. Our sex life is decent, but not great. We have sex maybe 4x a month and that's because of him, not me. I'm far more sexual than he is and in many respects my needs aren't being met, and yes, I've shared this with him. He's very quick in bed and I'm almost always left hanging. Foreplay died out of our marriage 3 years ago. He's not into anything beyond the normal sex routine and yes, I'm bored.
I was honest with him to a degree and told him that I feared having an affair because my emotional needs aren't being met. When I told him, his head dropped and I could see the fear/hurt/anger/ in his eyes, but he said nothing.
I'm not sure I have a question about this and I'm certainly not looking for permission, though it'd be a nice bonus!
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel stuck.
I don't know whether to put and an end to any possibility or just roll with it. Part of me is disgusted with myself for even thinking of it, let alone doing all the dirty talk I've been doing with this other man, but another part of me feels totally justified. If the situation presented itself (and of course, it'd be premeditated) I don't think I'd have the willpower to say "no".
Hmm, that wasn't so brief, now was it?? lol