(no subject)

[eyes_of_silence]

I don't know how I do it. I really don't. The weirdest thing happened. I'm over JJ's.. he's in the shower right now so I'm just hanging out in his room. But before he was tickling me and I was fighting back n waht not.. and the next thing I knew he was on top of my pinning both my arms down and grinning. I freaked. And I know I did. I didnt mean to cause I know that J isn't John. And I know that J doesn't want to hurt me in anyway.. but I get scared.. and he saw it.. but to try to keep it not so tragic I hid the feeling behind a mask (not quick enough for him to notice though) and told him that I didn't like how we were.. so he moved. Everything seemed fine.. and then he got very twitchy and looked very upset and it took me a while to get it out of him.. but he said that he couldn't beleive how I looked at him when he had my arms pinned and he knew what was going through my head and tried to feel what I was feeling.. which made him really upset. Which in turn made me upset cause I don't want anyone to feel how I felt for a split second. I hate feeling like that.. I hate people being so intuned with me they can pick apart feeligns cause then I think that they get hurt when that happens. I don't like how I made him feel though. I really don't. He told me afterwards that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me or anything bad to happen to me which made me feel better but I couldn't voice anything in reply which I feel bad about. I did tell him that I loved him once which put him in shock cause I actually said it.. but I couldn't today and its not cause my feelings changed because they didnt.. I was just afraid to again.

On a different note.. my cat bit me and scratched me to hell and back.. its funny.. cats really don't like bathes. who knew? okay well i'm going ot putz around on the internet and fight my urge to cut/cry right now. bye!