Two years on...
Holy molly.
Looking back at my last post, I realise how little I have written over the past few years, not just here...but in general. Which is a shame because 2013 in particular was a fabulous and interesting year of my life. 2014, well, was a bit of an odd year to the say the least but a landmark year in its own way I suppose. And 2015 has been life-changing for more obvious reasons. Here's a quick rundown...
2013:
The year of travel and exploration. Of excitement, novelty, expanding horizons. Of transition, self-indulgence and freedom. So many new friends, interesting conversations and perspectives.
I spent a semester overseas at Wharton on an exchange program, throwing myself into the newness of everything - the city, the school, the social circles, the academics, the extra-curriculars. And then there was the graduation from my MBA program...and all the travel and relaxation I had scheduled into my life before getting back to worklife. So much travel.
Wrapped up the US stint with an epic 3.5k miles of roadtripping over 8 days (with a 2Y old & 4Y old in tow, to boot!) across 8 states...LA, Zion National Park, Yellowstone National Park, Lake Tahoe, SF, etc. Back to London for some pottering about, hosting family, trips to Greece for sailing, Jamaica for much-delayed honeymoon, India for family time, followed by MBA graduation...and then, oh wait - more travel! An epic South American adventure followed - Argentina, Uruguay & Brazil...a quick trip to Ireland, and the mind-blowing, soul-touching trip to Southeast Asia, my favourite part of the world to visit, through Thailand, Cambodia & Vietnam =) There were some quick trips to Ireland, Germany etc, and then I started working (reluctantly...) at this uber prestigious firm just in time for training, a bit of work and then vacations in Morocco and Philippines - gosh 2013 has got to be a landmark year in my life in terms of travel, in terms of the sheer amount of time and energy spent on just travelling, and being. What a shame I wasn't working on something creative alongside, like writing a book, or a photo journal...ah well.
2014:
The year of me turning into a hardened cynic, losing a lot of self-motivation and feeling really, truly, scarily lost at sea. Also the year of revisiting places, reunions, regrouping of thoughts... Started to fall out of love of my new shiny-glamorous-prestigious job early in the year, losing much joie de'vivre as a result as it was a love meant to be, it seemed from the outside? A company ski trip ended in a knee injury, an apt metaphor for the stumbling block this career move turned out to be, with 8 weeks in a knee brace, awful feeling of agedness and immobility just in time for my 30th birthday - I mean, really.
Cancelled trip to Russia, perservered with revisiting trips to Amsterdam and Vienna after 7 years...only new place visited in 2014 was Croatia, a momentous trip in its own right. Long overdue revisits to Singapore, Malaysia, New York...many reunions with old friends, but also a finality in us not wishing to move back to Singapore despite the appeal from a distance. A longish trip with R to India when we met many people who had made interesting journeys around the world to end back in India...food for thought.
The decision to start a family was rather swiftly followed by the start of incubation of said family - not so ideal that I was not in great shape going into pregnancy but everything ticked along nicely as I ballooned into a barrell. Incredible amount of educational preparation, mental steeling, communicating, focusing on maintaining some semblance of balance during the busy periods at work but increasingly disillusioned with work - very scary state for someone like me who identifies strongly with work, and knows the next stage of life would make it harder still to remain committed to a less-than-ideal job. Xmas break, while long, was spent staying put in cold London and playing host to an overly energetic group of family for my condition at 36 weeks' pregnant!
2015:
An interminable seeming wait was followed by an arrival that had seismic effect on my personality. Expectations and personality to date suggested a certain aloofness in my maternal personality - ha, how I underestimated the effect of hormones and biology! Turned into an overprotective, territorial, primal mum in the early days and the process of breastfeeding and caregiving thankfully completed the process of bonding - I guess my amygdala expanded too? Gladly, said hormonal transformation did not lead to complete abandonment of rationality and have been able to temper the initial bouts of paranoia and obsession. Have enjoyed being able to step out of self intellectually and observe changes in myself.
I am delighted to see baby grow into an increasingly social being, taking on some of my extraversion - she is happy to play partner-in-crime to my misadventures with wanderlust, independence and love for meeting people in all sorts of environments. Inevitably, there was a shift in dynamics at home and I had to work on finding new ways to balance relationship with R - all credit to him for being able to put up with my issues while grappling with shift in identity and agony over life and work. The birth of a daughter has somewhat hardened my stance as a feminist, always thinking of ways in which assuring her rightful place in the world requires much conscious thought.
I let myself truly enjoy 6 months of maternity leave bonding with baby, rather than executing on grandiose plans of pursuing hobbies, working on business plans, etc - the rational side of me is admittedly somewhat disappointed at the lack of ardour/passion/focus but I am simultaneously happy to know that I can learn to slow down a bit, and enjoy life for what it offers. I have been back at work for a week now, and I am now sure it's not quite for me in the long run, but also need to go through the necessary process of introspection to achieve clarity through the many conflicting aspirations and tradeoffs. Watching fellow new mums tone down expectations of themselves and the world is a real eye-opener on how motherhood is the real inflection point for most female careers - thinking about it consciously has also reminded me to not fall prey to the same thoughts.
Parenthood has opened us up to new social circles, new ways of thinking and a new way of life. Family has found renewed status and presence in our lives, and I'm thankful for all the filial support especially as I transition back to work in full swing. Juggling it all is not going to be easy and I did not expect it to be so. But will I find the strength to keep aspiring to more / better / higher if every day is stressful? Is it even worth it then? Hmm, lots of food for thought...let's find out.
Looking back at my last post, I realise how little I have written over the past few years, not just here...but in general. Which is a shame because 2013 in particular was a fabulous and interesting year of my life. 2014, well, was a bit of an odd year to the say the least but a landmark year in its own way I suppose. And 2015 has been life-changing for more obvious reasons. Here's a quick rundown...
2013:
The year of travel and exploration. Of excitement, novelty, expanding horizons. Of transition, self-indulgence and freedom. So many new friends, interesting conversations and perspectives.
I spent a semester overseas at Wharton on an exchange program, throwing myself into the newness of everything - the city, the school, the social circles, the academics, the extra-curriculars. And then there was the graduation from my MBA program...and all the travel and relaxation I had scheduled into my life before getting back to worklife. So much travel.
Wrapped up the US stint with an epic 3.5k miles of roadtripping over 8 days (with a 2Y old & 4Y old in tow, to boot!) across 8 states...LA, Zion National Park, Yellowstone National Park, Lake Tahoe, SF, etc. Back to London for some pottering about, hosting family, trips to Greece for sailing, Jamaica for much-delayed honeymoon, India for family time, followed by MBA graduation...and then, oh wait - more travel! An epic South American adventure followed - Argentina, Uruguay & Brazil...a quick trip to Ireland, and the mind-blowing, soul-touching trip to Southeast Asia, my favourite part of the world to visit, through Thailand, Cambodia & Vietnam =) There were some quick trips to Ireland, Germany etc, and then I started working (reluctantly...) at this uber prestigious firm just in time for training, a bit of work and then vacations in Morocco and Philippines - gosh 2013 has got to be a landmark year in my life in terms of travel, in terms of the sheer amount of time and energy spent on just travelling, and being. What a shame I wasn't working on something creative alongside, like writing a book, or a photo journal...ah well.
2014:
The year of me turning into a hardened cynic, losing a lot of self-motivation and feeling really, truly, scarily lost at sea. Also the year of revisiting places, reunions, regrouping of thoughts... Started to fall out of love of my new shiny-glamorous-prestigious job early in the year, losing much joie de'vivre as a result as it was a love meant to be, it seemed from the outside? A company ski trip ended in a knee injury, an apt metaphor for the stumbling block this career move turned out to be, with 8 weeks in a knee brace, awful feeling of agedness and immobility just in time for my 30th birthday - I mean, really.
Cancelled trip to Russia, perservered with revisiting trips to Amsterdam and Vienna after 7 years...only new place visited in 2014 was Croatia, a momentous trip in its own right. Long overdue revisits to Singapore, Malaysia, New York...many reunions with old friends, but also a finality in us not wishing to move back to Singapore despite the appeal from a distance. A longish trip with R to India when we met many people who had made interesting journeys around the world to end back in India...food for thought.
The decision to start a family was rather swiftly followed by the start of incubation of said family - not so ideal that I was not in great shape going into pregnancy but everything ticked along nicely as I ballooned into a barrell. Incredible amount of educational preparation, mental steeling, communicating, focusing on maintaining some semblance of balance during the busy periods at work but increasingly disillusioned with work - very scary state for someone like me who identifies strongly with work, and knows the next stage of life would make it harder still to remain committed to a less-than-ideal job. Xmas break, while long, was spent staying put in cold London and playing host to an overly energetic group of family for my condition at 36 weeks' pregnant!
2015:
An interminable seeming wait was followed by an arrival that had seismic effect on my personality. Expectations and personality to date suggested a certain aloofness in my maternal personality - ha, how I underestimated the effect of hormones and biology! Turned into an overprotective, territorial, primal mum in the early days and the process of breastfeeding and caregiving thankfully completed the process of bonding - I guess my amygdala expanded too? Gladly, said hormonal transformation did not lead to complete abandonment of rationality and have been able to temper the initial bouts of paranoia and obsession. Have enjoyed being able to step out of self intellectually and observe changes in myself.
I am delighted to see baby grow into an increasingly social being, taking on some of my extraversion - she is happy to play partner-in-crime to my misadventures with wanderlust, independence and love for meeting people in all sorts of environments. Inevitably, there was a shift in dynamics at home and I had to work on finding new ways to balance relationship with R - all credit to him for being able to put up with my issues while grappling with shift in identity and agony over life and work. The birth of a daughter has somewhat hardened my stance as a feminist, always thinking of ways in which assuring her rightful place in the world requires much conscious thought.
I let myself truly enjoy 6 months of maternity leave bonding with baby, rather than executing on grandiose plans of pursuing hobbies, working on business plans, etc - the rational side of me is admittedly somewhat disappointed at the lack of ardour/passion/focus but I am simultaneously happy to know that I can learn to slow down a bit, and enjoy life for what it offers. I have been back at work for a week now, and I am now sure it's not quite for me in the long run, but also need to go through the necessary process of introspection to achieve clarity through the many conflicting aspirations and tradeoffs. Watching fellow new mums tone down expectations of themselves and the world is a real eye-opener on how motherhood is the real inflection point for most female careers - thinking about it consciously has also reminded me to not fall prey to the same thoughts.
Parenthood has opened us up to new social circles, new ways of thinking and a new way of life. Family has found renewed status and presence in our lives, and I'm thankful for all the filial support especially as I transition back to work in full swing. Juggling it all is not going to be easy and I did not expect it to be so. But will I find the strength to keep aspiring to more / better / higher if every day is stressful? Is it even worth it then? Hmm, lots of food for thought...let's find out.