To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing, 18: Making a Decision
Title: To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, sexual situations)
Summary: After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
*~*~*
I want you to want me/I need you to need me/I’d love you to love me/I’m begging you to beg me
*~*~*
JPOV
My hands drifted restlessly over the leafy ferns, my body feeling the call yet again to turn into the wolf. The forest felt so familiar, so easy, that I nearly slipped more than once into phasing just to run. It would be so good to feel my paws pound the earth, my speed increase, and to hear all the sounds that reminded me of home. It would also remind me of that time of being afraid of feeling so out of control, of being something so unnatural. It was a conflicting thing. I didn’t miss the patrolling; I didn’t miss the sleepless nights and the fear of being a monster.
I missed my brothers’ at times, but we still talked often enough. I didn’t miss the constant emotional struggle with Bella and Edward.
I exchanged that with a constant emotional struggle between me and Bella instead. She threw me for a loop by admitting her feelings to me and saying outright that she was in love with me. It was something I knew, but to hear her say it… it had been a dream comes true for me.
I was elated. My first initial impulse had been to haul her into me, to kiss her senseless, but I had ended up shocking myself with my reaction. I had backed away instead. I had felt guilty seeing her face fall, but she had examined me for a moment, and she seemed to understand I needed to process this.
There was never a doubt just how much in love I was with her, but suddenly that hit me when she said it. My feelings for her had increased - if that was even possible - when we began living together and she began healing. It was seeing the little things; her routine of making sure the covers were perfect before getting into bed, brushing her teeth longer than anyone I had ever seen brush their teeth, and how she tucked her feet under her and stuck her tongue out a little while reading.
I had been patient, and I had helped her, and even though it came close to breaking me when she dated Brandon, I realized just how much more this could hurt when she admitted she was in love with me.
What if they did find Edward? Would I be broken beyond repair if she went back to him?
So even as much as I wanted to hold her and to kiss away every ounce of pain she suffered, I had to protect myself as well. I just needed time to think, and I wouldn’t do that to Lindsay again. I was tired of inadvertently hurting someone I cared about, so I told Bella I needed to think.
I just didn’t know what to do.
After awhile, I finally emerged from the forest, and I called Embry. I figured Quil would be with him, and I was right. “Hey man,” Embry said. “Hold on, let me put you on speaker phone.”
“Dude, we miss your hairy ass,” Quil said making me smile slightly.
“I’m sure you do, since that was the only thing you ever saw when trying to beat me in a race,” I replied causing Embry to howl with laughter and Quil to sputter indignantly.
“How’s it going, man?” Embry said after they calmed down. He was always the one who could sense something was up.
I paused, not sure what to say. We weren’t really the type to go to each other for advice, but they had shared my innermost thoughts and desires when we were phased together and were my closest friends, so that cemented our bond even more.
“Well…” I hedged at first. “Bella just admitted she was in love with me.”
There was silence and then Quil cleared his throat. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“It is,” I said simply.
I heard the crack of a can opening. “We know how much you love her; having seen your thoughts so often it was pretty damn obvious,” Embry said. “But Bella has a lot of baggage and you could get hurt again.”
For a guy he was perceptive.
“I’m also dating Lindsay,” I said leaning back against a tree in the park. The sky had already begun darkening.
“There is that, too,” Quil agreed. “I’m going to sound like a girl saying this, but it could be worth the risk to have that kind of happiness. Being with Claire is different, but I’m incredibly happy when I’m spending time with her.”
We were all quiet for a minute. “That really is kind of girly, Quil,” Embry said and that broke the tension and we all laughed. “I agree, though, Jake. Bella’s hurt you before, but it was pretty obvious to us how she feels about you when you were here.”
We let it go at that and I asked them what was new. I had been more than absorbed by my father, of course, so I had only seen the guys when they stopped by to visit us.
“Well, Sam is planning on calling you, though he knows we would tell you first. He just told us that Emily is pregnant. She’s due in early August, I think, and they plan on getting married in late April this year. Short notice, but they’re tired of waiting,” Quil said with a chuckle.
Shocked, I tried to absorb the news. “What?” I finally managed. “They’re having a baby?”
Embry laughed. “That was our reaction, too. We haven’t seen much of Emily lately, but apparently none of us was smart enough to realize Emily was pregnant. They were keeping it quiet to make sure everything was going to work out okay. Something about the first few months,” he said. I could practically hear him shrug.
“Wow,” I said not knowing what else to say. “That’s great for them.”
We chatted a bit more, but I knew I was going to have to go back home. It was getting late, I was tired, and I couldn’t avoid stuff forever. Once I got back to the apartment, Bella was fast asleep on the armchair, curled up on her side. I draped a blanket over her and crashed on the couch, sleep overtaking me quickly in the wake of all the emotional shit that had just crashed down on me.
When I woke the following morning, Bella was already heading out for work, and I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. Maybe that was best for right now. I showered, debating what I had to do.
Work felt long and tedious, made more nerve-wracking by the fact that I worked with Lindsay and didn’t know what to say to her. At the end of the day, though, she cornered me in the break room and slipped her arms around my waist.
“Hey stranger,” she said lightly, pulling me down for a kiss. “How’s your dad?”
“He has a lot of work ahead of him,” I said quietly. “But he’s doing what he has to do a day at a time. I’ll probably visit him in again in a few days.”
She brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. “That’s good. If you need anything, you know you can ask,” she said. I nodded, smiling at her thoughtfulness. “Anyway, I’m busy tonight, but I’d like to see you soon outside of work,” she added.
My stomach clenched at the thought of what I had to do.
I nodded again weakly. “Yeah, that would be good.”
With one more kiss she was out the door.
The guilt and worry was beginning to drive me nuts, so I went for a run after work. It wasn’t any easier at home since I was faced with Bella who was quieter than normal. Every time I met her eyes I could see the indecision in them; afraid to talk to me about anything other than the basics. We were in a state of limbo. I had talked to Sam, so I told Bella the news and there was a genuine smile on her face for them.
The next couple days weren’t easy at work or with Bella, so I was almost glad when Lindsay had time to get together. We were at her place, and I was trying to decide what I should say, when she leaned over. I felt the press of her lips against mine, the touch of her tongue. It always felt good with her, but I just couldn’t keep doing this; to her or to me.
Her hands were on my shoulders, and I felt her pull back to look at me. Her face fell a little bit and she sighed. “Linds…” I started to say, but she interrupted.
“You’ve been a little distant lately,” she said, her hand sliding down to entwine with mine. I started to answer her, but she laid a finger on my lips. “I guess I’ve started to realize why. You’re in love with Bella, aren’t you?”
I guess I wasn’t surprised she had picked up on it.
My mouth opened, but nothing came out. She looked away. “I’m sorry,” I finally managed to say. “Things have been so off between us the past few months and I really began to care about you…”
She glanced up at me briefly, eyes damp with unshed tears. “You know, we both agreed this was casual.”
“I didn’t expect to fall for you as much as I did,” I murmured honestly.
“And I didn’t expect to fall for you, but I did.”
She stood up, wrapping her arms around herself. I stood as well, feeling a little numb. “So she finally admitted she was in love with you,” she said looking out the window.
I looked at her surprised. “What do you mean finally?”
She shrugged. “I could tell she was in love with you, but I guess I was trying to fool myself in thinking that you weren’t in love with her.”
“Lindsay,” I said helplessly. “I don’t think any of us were ready to admit certain things or to truly move on right away. There’s a lot of stuff between me and Bella. I never knew what to expect from it and if I would ever truly have a chance with her when she began dating.”
I took her hand again. “I also never expected to meet someone as amazing as you, and I truly mean that. We were both in a weird position, but we somehow managed to fall for each other. It’s just… I’ve been in love with her so long…”
She glared at me fiercely. “She better fucking treat you right.”
A little shocked at the anger, I squeezed her hand. Her face crumpled a little, and I wrapped my arms around her tightly. She laid her head against my chest and sighed. “You should go. When you’re ready to try again with her, tell her you deserve the world.”
I smiled a little shakily. “And don’t smile at me,” she mumbled. “It makes it harder.”
“It’s hard for me, too.” I felt a little choked up. “Do you think eventually…?”
“I don’t know… maybe. After a little while. It’s too hard to stay mad at you,” she said.
I tilted her chin up and planted a quick kiss on her lips and slipped out of the room before I could do anymore damage. When I got home, I was wiped out emotionally, so I ate dinner and went straight to bed. I needed a few days to sort this out in my mind before I said anything to Bella and I wanted to respect what I had with Lindsay.
*~*~*
BPOV
The days after I confessed to Jacob that I was in love with him were torture. I was trying to give him space and time, but it was difficult. What was taking him so long? I tried to backpedal, knowing how much I put him through and that he was still dating Lindsay, but the waiting was driving me crazy. I also felt guilty for disrupting his life yet again after what just happened with Billy.
Everyone said to tell him my feelings, but I wished I hadn’t put so much on him after everything that had occurred recently. So I would give him all the time he needed to think things through, and I would have to deal with it when he told me.
The days at work were a little difficult; everyone was treating me with kid gloves, afraid I would go off on a crying bender again. It was sweet that they cared, but I was tired of saying I was okay and dealing with the side-eyed looks. Dana had pulled me into her office when I came back to work to find out what happened.
“I told him,” I said quietly. “He didn’t seem to know how to react. He needed some time to think and disappeared for awhile. He’s been pretty quiet since.”
I picked at a hangnail nervously.
“Well you’re just going to have to wait it out,” Dana said squeezing my hand. “You two have been through a lot recently, and he was hurt, so it’s not unusual.”
“I know. I hate that I hurt him so much that he’s now unsure. Not for my sake, but his. He’s always been an incredible friend.”
I went to my yoga class the usual night with Dana and tried to focus my mind on bending and stretching. It helped clear my mind. When class was over, I picked up Chinese food and ate another quiet dinner with Jake. This was going to drive me nuts, so I readily agreed a few nights later to go out with all the girls’ from work just so I had something to do.
I left Jake a note and changed into a blue and green swirled skirt that Dana had loaned me - and insisted I wear - along with a simple scoop-necked, white blouse. My hair was loose and I added a touch of lip gloss. They picked me up and we ate dinner at a small Italian restaurant; laughter and happy chatter surrounded me and in some ways I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I had spent some time with Angela and Jessica, but I had never let myself truly get to know them or to be a real friend to them.
I regretted that. I could have benefited from having true friendships, but at least I was beginning to have that now. After dinner we went to a nearby club - which really wasn’t my thing but I knew they wanted to dance - so I agreed. I ordered a coke and perched on a stool, watching my friends dance for a little while. I allowed myself to be dragged out there with them.
I was attempting to loosen up and mimic some of their moves so I didn’t look too horrifyingly stupid when I felt a hand touch my back. The familiar warmth took me by surprise and I turned, looking up to meet Jake’s eyes.
“Jake!” I exclaimed. I knew I didn’t have to scream over the music for him. “What are you doing here?”
He smiled slightly and bent down towards me. I tried not to shiver as his lips brushed against the shell of my ear. “It was a last-minute decision of the guys,” he said nodding in his co-workers direction. “They thought we could all use a night out, so I grabbed something to eat with them and we ended up here. I just decided to tag along for a bit.”
He seemed a little more talkative, though still a bit more serious than usual, but I was still glad. I loved him, and I had to tell him that, but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. It was too important to me.
He held his hand out to me, and feeling a bit shy for some reason, I took it and he spun me in a circle. A smile crept out and we danced together; probably the lamest dancers on the dance floor which made me giggle. The song changed to something slower and I couldn’t read the expression in his eyes as he slipped his arms around my waist.
Hesitantly I laid my head on his chest and we moved slowly to the music. I could see the girls looking at us out of the corner of my eye and Dana gave me the thumbs up. We danced a little more, but it wasn’t long before he was ready to go. We had been dancing pressed together and I was feeling twitchy and warm at his touch, and I could see he was feeling the same.
“Let’s go,” he said quietly. A thrill shot through me and I slid my hand into his as he led me out the door. I gave Dana a fast wave as we hurried by, but he never slowed down.
Outside we got into the Rabbit and headed home. Jake’s fingers were still wound with mine as he drove with his left hand. The car would have been utterly silent except for the rock song playing softly in the background. He parked the car in the lot and we got out.
Jake came around to my side, though he wasn’t making a move toward the apartment building. “I broke up with Lindsay a few days ago,” he said. He didn’t look thrilled about that, and I felt the guilt begin to eat away at me.
I couldn’t even say I was sorry because I was the one who started all this and it seemed so pointless; I was sorry, though, for disrupting his life so much, but I stayed quiet.
“I needed time to process that; I cared about her,” he said and he sounded frustrated.
My lip quivered a little, but I refused to react in a way that would upset him more. “I understand,” I said quietly.
“It’s been hard, Bella,” he added. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but it hurt.” He wasn’t looking at me, and I swallowed with difficulty. “It wasn’t fair of me to bring her home to flaunt in your face, though that never was my intention. I’m sorry.”
The memory of that hurt, but I just glanced at him. “I’m really sorry, too, Jake.”
“I know we should talk more…” he started to say, but he turned to face me instead. His fingers tipped my chin up and his mouth crashed down onto mine.
I breathed in his heat, his intoxicating scent, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. We weren’t far to the entrance of the apartments, but the little alley nearby was closer, and he hoisted me up. Before I even realized it, I was backed into the chain-link fence. I would’ve bounced off from the impact, but Jake’s body pinned me there.
My eyes drifted closed as our mouths opened in unison. The silky warmth of his tongue invaded my mouth, and I whimpered eagerly. This kiss was rougher than any others even the first kiss we had ever shared back in the woods in Forks.
His hands were gripping the fence by my head as my legs locked around his waist. He bucked his hips into mine, and I nearly saw stars just feeling him press against me right there. My hands fisted his hair as I bit his lip, sucking it into my mouth. Something was overtaking me, and I wanted it. I wanted him.
I needed to feel him surrounding me and apparently he felt the same.
His lips caught hold of my tongue, tugging and suckling on it, and I moaned into his mouth.
Suddenly his one hand was moving under my shirt, grazing along my bare skin, until it came into contact with my left breast. The squeeze left me gasping and arching my own hips, anxious to feel more.
“Jake…” I gasped as his lips left mine to press open-mouthed kisses along my neck.
His hand was still exploring my breast, squeezing and massaging, when his other hand began moving up my outer thigh and sliding right up under my skirt. There was no complaint from either of us when his fingers grazed the damp heat between my thighs, and we both moaned anxiously.
“I… I need…” I managed to pant as his tongue and teeth traced my collarbone. “You,” I managed to say before another moan overtook me as his fingers slid up the length of my slit through my underwear.
He moved his hands out from under my clothing, cupping my backside, and he carried me out and into the apartment building. I could scarcely believe this was happening, but I had no intention of waiting any longer for him.
I wanted this, and I realized I had wanted this for awhile now. The way his muscles flexed would transfix me, his hands that were so big would mesmerize me, and the way his backside looked in jeans had been making me warm. The most important thing was that he had always been there for me, always loved me, and he had continued to be the best friend I could always count on.
I had denied us so long, and I didn’t want to anymore.
I needed this. I needed him. Now.
The elevator ride was a blur of hands on bare skin, more deep and intense kissing, and soft hair tickling my face. He was still holding me and jammed his key into the lock and we nearly tumbled into the kitchen. He kicked the door shut, dropping his keys on the table as he sped through the kitchen and up the stairs to the bedroom.
He deposited me on the bed. We were both panting excitedly, both ready to rocket our relationship to the next - and very new - level. He stood over me, his buttoned shirt hanging half open, and he looked a bit wild.
I would have been scared if it was anyone but Jake.
His dark hair was loose, his huge and muscled frame shaking, as his eyes met mine in the near darkness. “Are you sure about this, Bells?” Even his voice, hoarse and hungry, was wild and it excited me in all these new ways.
“Yes,” I murmured instantly.
We were seconds away from plunging into a frenzy that would alter our relationship, and I wanted it so damn much.
My arms opened to him and we both took the plunge together.
*~*~*
AN: I really know how to end it, don’t I? ha. At least you mostly know what’s coming next! So hopefully that makes up for it a little.
Also, I’m kind of late in mentioning this (voting is through the 15th which is Tuesday this week), but just wanted to say this fic has been nominated for Highest Hanky Count on the JBnP Awards. There are some awesome stories that have been nominated in all categories if you want to check them out and vote. You have to be an 18+ member to do so. Link is: http://jacobblack-n-pack.ning.com and there’s a link there to go to the awards site which is http://jacobblack-n-pack.blogspot.com.
Chapter 19
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, sexual situations)
Summary: After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
*~*~*
I want you to want me/I need you to need me/I’d love you to love me/I’m begging you to beg me
*~*~*
JPOV
My hands drifted restlessly over the leafy ferns, my body feeling the call yet again to turn into the wolf. The forest felt so familiar, so easy, that I nearly slipped more than once into phasing just to run. It would be so good to feel my paws pound the earth, my speed increase, and to hear all the sounds that reminded me of home. It would also remind me of that time of being afraid of feeling so out of control, of being something so unnatural. It was a conflicting thing. I didn’t miss the patrolling; I didn’t miss the sleepless nights and the fear of being a monster.
I missed my brothers’ at times, but we still talked often enough. I didn’t miss the constant emotional struggle with Bella and Edward.
I exchanged that with a constant emotional struggle between me and Bella instead. She threw me for a loop by admitting her feelings to me and saying outright that she was in love with me. It was something I knew, but to hear her say it… it had been a dream comes true for me.
I was elated. My first initial impulse had been to haul her into me, to kiss her senseless, but I had ended up shocking myself with my reaction. I had backed away instead. I had felt guilty seeing her face fall, but she had examined me for a moment, and she seemed to understand I needed to process this.
There was never a doubt just how much in love I was with her, but suddenly that hit me when she said it. My feelings for her had increased - if that was even possible - when we began living together and she began healing. It was seeing the little things; her routine of making sure the covers were perfect before getting into bed, brushing her teeth longer than anyone I had ever seen brush their teeth, and how she tucked her feet under her and stuck her tongue out a little while reading.
I had been patient, and I had helped her, and even though it came close to breaking me when she dated Brandon, I realized just how much more this could hurt when she admitted she was in love with me.
What if they did find Edward? Would I be broken beyond repair if she went back to him?
So even as much as I wanted to hold her and to kiss away every ounce of pain she suffered, I had to protect myself as well. I just needed time to think, and I wouldn’t do that to Lindsay again. I was tired of inadvertently hurting someone I cared about, so I told Bella I needed to think.
I just didn’t know what to do.
After awhile, I finally emerged from the forest, and I called Embry. I figured Quil would be with him, and I was right. “Hey man,” Embry said. “Hold on, let me put you on speaker phone.”
“Dude, we miss your hairy ass,” Quil said making me smile slightly.
“I’m sure you do, since that was the only thing you ever saw when trying to beat me in a race,” I replied causing Embry to howl with laughter and Quil to sputter indignantly.
“How’s it going, man?” Embry said after they calmed down. He was always the one who could sense something was up.
I paused, not sure what to say. We weren’t really the type to go to each other for advice, but they had shared my innermost thoughts and desires when we were phased together and were my closest friends, so that cemented our bond even more.
“Well…” I hedged at first. “Bella just admitted she was in love with me.”
There was silence and then Quil cleared his throat. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“It is,” I said simply.
I heard the crack of a can opening. “We know how much you love her; having seen your thoughts so often it was pretty damn obvious,” Embry said. “But Bella has a lot of baggage and you could get hurt again.”
For a guy he was perceptive.
“I’m also dating Lindsay,” I said leaning back against a tree in the park. The sky had already begun darkening.
“There is that, too,” Quil agreed. “I’m going to sound like a girl saying this, but it could be worth the risk to have that kind of happiness. Being with Claire is different, but I’m incredibly happy when I’m spending time with her.”
We were all quiet for a minute. “That really is kind of girly, Quil,” Embry said and that broke the tension and we all laughed. “I agree, though, Jake. Bella’s hurt you before, but it was pretty obvious to us how she feels about you when you were here.”
We let it go at that and I asked them what was new. I had been more than absorbed by my father, of course, so I had only seen the guys when they stopped by to visit us.
“Well, Sam is planning on calling you, though he knows we would tell you first. He just told us that Emily is pregnant. She’s due in early August, I think, and they plan on getting married in late April this year. Short notice, but they’re tired of waiting,” Quil said with a chuckle.
Shocked, I tried to absorb the news. “What?” I finally managed. “They’re having a baby?”
Embry laughed. “That was our reaction, too. We haven’t seen much of Emily lately, but apparently none of us was smart enough to realize Emily was pregnant. They were keeping it quiet to make sure everything was going to work out okay. Something about the first few months,” he said. I could practically hear him shrug.
“Wow,” I said not knowing what else to say. “That’s great for them.”
We chatted a bit more, but I knew I was going to have to go back home. It was getting late, I was tired, and I couldn’t avoid stuff forever. Once I got back to the apartment, Bella was fast asleep on the armchair, curled up on her side. I draped a blanket over her and crashed on the couch, sleep overtaking me quickly in the wake of all the emotional shit that had just crashed down on me.
When I woke the following morning, Bella was already heading out for work, and I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. Maybe that was best for right now. I showered, debating what I had to do.
Work felt long and tedious, made more nerve-wracking by the fact that I worked with Lindsay and didn’t know what to say to her. At the end of the day, though, she cornered me in the break room and slipped her arms around my waist.
“Hey stranger,” she said lightly, pulling me down for a kiss. “How’s your dad?”
“He has a lot of work ahead of him,” I said quietly. “But he’s doing what he has to do a day at a time. I’ll probably visit him in again in a few days.”
She brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. “That’s good. If you need anything, you know you can ask,” she said. I nodded, smiling at her thoughtfulness. “Anyway, I’m busy tonight, but I’d like to see you soon outside of work,” she added.
My stomach clenched at the thought of what I had to do.
I nodded again weakly. “Yeah, that would be good.”
With one more kiss she was out the door.
The guilt and worry was beginning to drive me nuts, so I went for a run after work. It wasn’t any easier at home since I was faced with Bella who was quieter than normal. Every time I met her eyes I could see the indecision in them; afraid to talk to me about anything other than the basics. We were in a state of limbo. I had talked to Sam, so I told Bella the news and there was a genuine smile on her face for them.
The next couple days weren’t easy at work or with Bella, so I was almost glad when Lindsay had time to get together. We were at her place, and I was trying to decide what I should say, when she leaned over. I felt the press of her lips against mine, the touch of her tongue. It always felt good with her, but I just couldn’t keep doing this; to her or to me.
Her hands were on my shoulders, and I felt her pull back to look at me. Her face fell a little bit and she sighed. “Linds…” I started to say, but she interrupted.
“You’ve been a little distant lately,” she said, her hand sliding down to entwine with mine. I started to answer her, but she laid a finger on my lips. “I guess I’ve started to realize why. You’re in love with Bella, aren’t you?”
I guess I wasn’t surprised she had picked up on it.
My mouth opened, but nothing came out. She looked away. “I’m sorry,” I finally managed to say. “Things have been so off between us the past few months and I really began to care about you…”
She glanced up at me briefly, eyes damp with unshed tears. “You know, we both agreed this was casual.”
“I didn’t expect to fall for you as much as I did,” I murmured honestly.
“And I didn’t expect to fall for you, but I did.”
She stood up, wrapping her arms around herself. I stood as well, feeling a little numb. “So she finally admitted she was in love with you,” she said looking out the window.
I looked at her surprised. “What do you mean finally?”
She shrugged. “I could tell she was in love with you, but I guess I was trying to fool myself in thinking that you weren’t in love with her.”
“Lindsay,” I said helplessly. “I don’t think any of us were ready to admit certain things or to truly move on right away. There’s a lot of stuff between me and Bella. I never knew what to expect from it and if I would ever truly have a chance with her when she began dating.”
I took her hand again. “I also never expected to meet someone as amazing as you, and I truly mean that. We were both in a weird position, but we somehow managed to fall for each other. It’s just… I’ve been in love with her so long…”
She glared at me fiercely. “She better fucking treat you right.”
A little shocked at the anger, I squeezed her hand. Her face crumpled a little, and I wrapped my arms around her tightly. She laid her head against my chest and sighed. “You should go. When you’re ready to try again with her, tell her you deserve the world.”
I smiled a little shakily. “And don’t smile at me,” she mumbled. “It makes it harder.”
“It’s hard for me, too.” I felt a little choked up. “Do you think eventually…?”
“I don’t know… maybe. After a little while. It’s too hard to stay mad at you,” she said.
I tilted her chin up and planted a quick kiss on her lips and slipped out of the room before I could do anymore damage. When I got home, I was wiped out emotionally, so I ate dinner and went straight to bed. I needed a few days to sort this out in my mind before I said anything to Bella and I wanted to respect what I had with Lindsay.
*~*~*
BPOV
The days after I confessed to Jacob that I was in love with him were torture. I was trying to give him space and time, but it was difficult. What was taking him so long? I tried to backpedal, knowing how much I put him through and that he was still dating Lindsay, but the waiting was driving me crazy. I also felt guilty for disrupting his life yet again after what just happened with Billy.
Everyone said to tell him my feelings, but I wished I hadn’t put so much on him after everything that had occurred recently. So I would give him all the time he needed to think things through, and I would have to deal with it when he told me.
The days at work were a little difficult; everyone was treating me with kid gloves, afraid I would go off on a crying bender again. It was sweet that they cared, but I was tired of saying I was okay and dealing with the side-eyed looks. Dana had pulled me into her office when I came back to work to find out what happened.
“I told him,” I said quietly. “He didn’t seem to know how to react. He needed some time to think and disappeared for awhile. He’s been pretty quiet since.”
I picked at a hangnail nervously.
“Well you’re just going to have to wait it out,” Dana said squeezing my hand. “You two have been through a lot recently, and he was hurt, so it’s not unusual.”
“I know. I hate that I hurt him so much that he’s now unsure. Not for my sake, but his. He’s always been an incredible friend.”
I went to my yoga class the usual night with Dana and tried to focus my mind on bending and stretching. It helped clear my mind. When class was over, I picked up Chinese food and ate another quiet dinner with Jake. This was going to drive me nuts, so I readily agreed a few nights later to go out with all the girls’ from work just so I had something to do.
I left Jake a note and changed into a blue and green swirled skirt that Dana had loaned me - and insisted I wear - along with a simple scoop-necked, white blouse. My hair was loose and I added a touch of lip gloss. They picked me up and we ate dinner at a small Italian restaurant; laughter and happy chatter surrounded me and in some ways I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I had spent some time with Angela and Jessica, but I had never let myself truly get to know them or to be a real friend to them.
I regretted that. I could have benefited from having true friendships, but at least I was beginning to have that now. After dinner we went to a nearby club - which really wasn’t my thing but I knew they wanted to dance - so I agreed. I ordered a coke and perched on a stool, watching my friends dance for a little while. I allowed myself to be dragged out there with them.
I was attempting to loosen up and mimic some of their moves so I didn’t look too horrifyingly stupid when I felt a hand touch my back. The familiar warmth took me by surprise and I turned, looking up to meet Jake’s eyes.
“Jake!” I exclaimed. I knew I didn’t have to scream over the music for him. “What are you doing here?”
He smiled slightly and bent down towards me. I tried not to shiver as his lips brushed against the shell of my ear. “It was a last-minute decision of the guys,” he said nodding in his co-workers direction. “They thought we could all use a night out, so I grabbed something to eat with them and we ended up here. I just decided to tag along for a bit.”
He seemed a little more talkative, though still a bit more serious than usual, but I was still glad. I loved him, and I had to tell him that, but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. It was too important to me.
He held his hand out to me, and feeling a bit shy for some reason, I took it and he spun me in a circle. A smile crept out and we danced together; probably the lamest dancers on the dance floor which made me giggle. The song changed to something slower and I couldn’t read the expression in his eyes as he slipped his arms around my waist.
Hesitantly I laid my head on his chest and we moved slowly to the music. I could see the girls looking at us out of the corner of my eye and Dana gave me the thumbs up. We danced a little more, but it wasn’t long before he was ready to go. We had been dancing pressed together and I was feeling twitchy and warm at his touch, and I could see he was feeling the same.
“Let’s go,” he said quietly. A thrill shot through me and I slid my hand into his as he led me out the door. I gave Dana a fast wave as we hurried by, but he never slowed down.
Outside we got into the Rabbit and headed home. Jake’s fingers were still wound with mine as he drove with his left hand. The car would have been utterly silent except for the rock song playing softly in the background. He parked the car in the lot and we got out.
Jake came around to my side, though he wasn’t making a move toward the apartment building. “I broke up with Lindsay a few days ago,” he said. He didn’t look thrilled about that, and I felt the guilt begin to eat away at me.
I couldn’t even say I was sorry because I was the one who started all this and it seemed so pointless; I was sorry, though, for disrupting his life so much, but I stayed quiet.
“I needed time to process that; I cared about her,” he said and he sounded frustrated.
My lip quivered a little, but I refused to react in a way that would upset him more. “I understand,” I said quietly.
“It’s been hard, Bella,” he added. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but it hurt.” He wasn’t looking at me, and I swallowed with difficulty. “It wasn’t fair of me to bring her home to flaunt in your face, though that never was my intention. I’m sorry.”
The memory of that hurt, but I just glanced at him. “I’m really sorry, too, Jake.”
“I know we should talk more…” he started to say, but he turned to face me instead. His fingers tipped my chin up and his mouth crashed down onto mine.
I breathed in his heat, his intoxicating scent, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. We weren’t far to the entrance of the apartments, but the little alley nearby was closer, and he hoisted me up. Before I even realized it, I was backed into the chain-link fence. I would’ve bounced off from the impact, but Jake’s body pinned me there.
My eyes drifted closed as our mouths opened in unison. The silky warmth of his tongue invaded my mouth, and I whimpered eagerly. This kiss was rougher than any others even the first kiss we had ever shared back in the woods in Forks.
His hands were gripping the fence by my head as my legs locked around his waist. He bucked his hips into mine, and I nearly saw stars just feeling him press against me right there. My hands fisted his hair as I bit his lip, sucking it into my mouth. Something was overtaking me, and I wanted it. I wanted him.
I needed to feel him surrounding me and apparently he felt the same.
His lips caught hold of my tongue, tugging and suckling on it, and I moaned into his mouth.
Suddenly his one hand was moving under my shirt, grazing along my bare skin, until it came into contact with my left breast. The squeeze left me gasping and arching my own hips, anxious to feel more.
“Jake…” I gasped as his lips left mine to press open-mouthed kisses along my neck.
His hand was still exploring my breast, squeezing and massaging, when his other hand began moving up my outer thigh and sliding right up under my skirt. There was no complaint from either of us when his fingers grazed the damp heat between my thighs, and we both moaned anxiously.
“I… I need…” I managed to pant as his tongue and teeth traced my collarbone. “You,” I managed to say before another moan overtook me as his fingers slid up the length of my slit through my underwear.
He moved his hands out from under my clothing, cupping my backside, and he carried me out and into the apartment building. I could scarcely believe this was happening, but I had no intention of waiting any longer for him.
I wanted this, and I realized I had wanted this for awhile now. The way his muscles flexed would transfix me, his hands that were so big would mesmerize me, and the way his backside looked in jeans had been making me warm. The most important thing was that he had always been there for me, always loved me, and he had continued to be the best friend I could always count on.
I had denied us so long, and I didn’t want to anymore.
I needed this. I needed him. Now.
The elevator ride was a blur of hands on bare skin, more deep and intense kissing, and soft hair tickling my face. He was still holding me and jammed his key into the lock and we nearly tumbled into the kitchen. He kicked the door shut, dropping his keys on the table as he sped through the kitchen and up the stairs to the bedroom.
He deposited me on the bed. We were both panting excitedly, both ready to rocket our relationship to the next - and very new - level. He stood over me, his buttoned shirt hanging half open, and he looked a bit wild.
I would have been scared if it was anyone but Jake.
His dark hair was loose, his huge and muscled frame shaking, as his eyes met mine in the near darkness. “Are you sure about this, Bells?” Even his voice, hoarse and hungry, was wild and it excited me in all these new ways.
“Yes,” I murmured instantly.
We were seconds away from plunging into a frenzy that would alter our relationship, and I wanted it so damn much.
My arms opened to him and we both took the plunge together.
*~*~*
AN: I really know how to end it, don’t I? ha. At least you mostly know what’s coming next! So hopefully that makes up for it a little.
Also, I’m kind of late in mentioning this (voting is through the 15th which is Tuesday this week), but just wanted to say this fic has been nominated for Highest Hanky Count on the JBnP Awards. There are some awesome stories that have been nominated in all categories if you want to check them out and vote. You have to be an 18+ member to do so. Link is: http://jacobblack-n-pack.ning.com and there’s a link there to go to the awards site which is http://jacobblack-n-pack.blogspot.com.
Chapter 19